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I just want to know if I’m a fool or should I just move on.

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Gay relationships, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 November 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 29 November 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, *ovesick18 writes:

So basically I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a month now, he's 22 and I’m 18. Were on the same course in uni but in different years, I’m in my first he’s in his last: S

We met when we were drunk and swapped numbers, he’s such a lovely guy tall sexy as hell and actually has a plan for his life. He looks good on paper but... he makes out with girls and is really overly sexual with his male friends like groping them it gets a lot worse when he drinks. He’s gay I know that but it makes me so uncomfortable and its just cringe. Were at that stage where I could call him my boyfriend but I just don’t know. The other night when we had a course social he came and sat down with all of us and he said like two words to me I wasn’t expecting him to be all over me but at least a conversation instead of blanking me. When I left to pick up my friend and came back he was all over me, later on when we went to a club he would randomly every so often kiss me then run off then when I was showing my friend who he was I saw him kiss his friend this girl. He told me before that he does this so it wasn’t a surprise but you think he would stop when you’re in a relationship. Then he was talking to this guy and they were pretty close and I’m not a paranoid person and my friend said it looked a bit dodgy he then disappeared again for the whole night I texted him and he didn’t reply. I don’t know what happened but I was talking to his drunk friend in his year and she said that his last boyfriend wen to prison or something but I didn’t push for information he also apparently goes for bad boys which confuses me because I’m not lol. She was then preaching at me how he never stops talking about me and how he tells her and his friends how amazing I am.

Its been 2 days and he hasn’t texted me back from when we had the social. I just want to know if I’m a fool or should I just move on. I do want to talk to him about this but I think I’ve all ready made the effort to contact him and I should wait for him to reply. I care about him so much its ridiculous, I’ve put all my eggs in one basket with him and he knows how I feel about him and I thought I knew but all I get is mixed signals. Help please!

View related questions: drunk, move on, text

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A male reader, Boonridge McPhalify United Kingdom +, writes (29 November 2010):

Boonridge McPhalify agony aunthe is all over the place, plus when he finishes uni is he going to stay there to be with you? you have 2-3 years left there, he has 1 at the most. think about it.

also i wouldn't trust him based on what you have described about him chatting a guy up and then disappearing for the night (which even your friend was suspicious of).

he wants you on a string like a pet he can play with when he so desires. he isn't capable of a committed relationship from the sounds of it. even if he is blabbing to his friends about you his behaviour is that of an attention seeking fool (if i was on a night out with my boyfriend i wouldn't be chatting up randoms)

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A female reader, Brooklyngirl United States +, writes (28 November 2010):

Brooklyngirl agony auntYou say you've been told "he goes for bad-boys," but to me it sounds as though HE IS the bad boy. He's definitely a partier, and possibly a player.

I don't think he is ready for a monogamous relationship; and maybe this is just the way he is and sees nothing wrong with his behavior. Some people are just very outgoing and affectionate towards everyone.

There doesn't seem to be much communication between the two of you. Does he know you are uncomfortable with this? Communication, Honesty, and Trust, are the keys to a healthy, happy relationship. And that includes being honest with one's self as well as with your partner. You know the old expression, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen?"

The point is, you cannot control or change him (or anyone for that matter) The only one you have control over is YOU. If you cannot be comfortable and accept him the way he is....then yes, you should move on and find someone more suited for you. It's unreasonable to get into a relationship thinking we will change the person or that "he will change with time." If we do that, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and heartache.

To answer your Title question...No, you're not a fool, but yes, perhaps you should move on!

You have your whole life ahead of you, choose wisely! I wish you all the luck and happiness for your future!


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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010):

The guy is a flake, what I mean is he's fickle and a wanderer. He sounds like the kind of guy that has to be everywhere at once, getting lots of attention from lots of different people. A rolling stone.

This is who he is and he's not going to change just for you.

It might be a case of incompatibility, you want to be a bit more settled, while he just has to flirt, kiss, go crazy and have no strings fun. To him it means nothing but to you it does. This kind of thing never goes away and from my experience it just gets worse.

I dated a girl like this before. Her idea of fun was going out and getting drunk, kissing her female friends, grinding on the dance floor with random guys and getting chatted up all the time, she loved the attention and was addicted to it. Now she never went further with them, she never kissed another guy but she did get too cozy and hugsy with them for my liking.

She didn't see any problem with it and brought up the "accept me for who I am" card anytime I mentioned it. Basically like your guy, she liked to act like a single girl and I found that unacceptable. She was mad about me and I know she really wouldn't have cheated on me or anything like that. She would dance, flirt and get cozy with these guys right in front of me in clubs. We fought about it quite a lot because I found it disrespectful, basically she brought up the "I am who I am", "don't you trust me" card every time. I brought up the why don't you respect my feelings, it hurts to see you do those things every time too. We never got past that because I couldn't get over those feelings, my friends thought she was acting completely inappropriate and even slutty.

The worst thing was though is that she was truly a lovely woman, really nice, caring and loving woman. But the more I grew to love her the more hurt I got that I wasn't the only man, I never felt enough, because she never seemed satisfied with only getting that kind of stuff from me alone. It got very hard indeed, anytime she'd describe a girly night out she'd divulge the full details of her night and the guys trying to chat her up, the girls she kissed etc.

Other than that she was literally perfect for me but things just came to head eventually. She was free and naive, she just couldn't see why I had a problem with it "if I trusted her" the fact is I did, but it was the guys I didn't trust, she was leading them on and while for her it was innocent fun these guys were looking to score and she fed off that.

It only takes one moment of drunken stupidity to suddenly find she's locking lips with one of them. But she never saw that, she thought they were just being nice and they knew she had a boyfriend but you know that doesn't matter when a person is being that flirty and cozy

-The thing is he's been like this all along, this is what he likes to do and he won't understand why you don't like it and he certainly won't want to change that, because he's happy doing these things. This is him, this is how he is and how he has fun. If you think you won't be able to accept that, if you don't like the idea of him acting like a single guy then you have to speak to him about it. You don't want to smother him or stop him having fun, but it's not fun for you to have to be left out in the cold like that.

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