A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Thanks for any response you can give me.I'm a 44 male never been married nor do I have any children. I recently took a new job and my new co-worker and I really hit off. She has been in a relationship for 9 years living together and has been engaged for about 3 years. After a couple of months of working and talking with her I had supected that their relationship was not as good as she thought it should be. So while I hadn't been in a relationship in over 1 1/2 years so I wanted to persue her. So on a company dinner outting and when everyone had left I whispered to her that I didn't have to home anytime soon and she said she didn't either and kissed me. So long story short I was right in that she was unhappy in her relationship. She told me that he had moved out over a year ago but that they were still together. He would come over everyday a spend time with her and almost everyday she would ask him "When are you coming home?" and he always says "soon, and I love you"....for over a year now. She says she don't want to loose the 8 years that were so great but she knows that she can't continue living this way. I have filled a void in her life but she can't let go of her (past) current relationship. What advice can I give to her? I care deeply for her but can she really still be in Love with him and the way he has been treating her? Last week we went out for dinner and he found out about it and he gave her the third degree. Well she fought back and he finally admitted that he was involed (living) with another woman but said " Its not what you think." to her. Something do with a court date with his son, who is living with the daughter of the other woman. He said that he was moving back home after the court date and for to hold on and that he loved her. In the mean time he keeps harrassing her about me to which she has only told him that we are just friends. Where do I go from here? How can I help her even if we don't end up together? I really just want her to be happy even if its not with me. She is so confused on what to do, please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 April 2007):
 Hi there anonymous,
Even though she's not married (guess whoever titled this read your question wrong), she still obviously cares about this guy - and he still seems to have some feelings for her. I think right now she is just very confused about what's happening and is sort of using you to make herself feel better instead of actually addressing the problem -- you're an easy fix. What she needs to do is talk to her fiance and figure out exactly where their relationship is heading.
I think if you really want to help this woman out, you need to step back and let her work out the relationship that she already has. Being "friends" with this woman is not doing her or you any good - it is just confusing the situation and frustrating the both of you. Have you actually thought about whether this makes you happy? If this relationship really makes this woman happy? If it does, is that short term or long term? Where do you see your relationship with her going? More importantly, where does she see your relationship going? She obviously would rather be with her fiance if she's constantly talking about him and wanting him to come home.
Look, I really think you need to give her some space and stop seeing her. I think you're just confusing her even more. I think that you are only a short term answer for a very complicated and deep set of complex problems that she and her fiance have in their relationship. So if you really want to help her, respect her - don't confuse her or "manipulate" her into being a cheater. She is weak and vulnerable at this moment - don't take advantage of that.
Like Eddie said, I think what this woman really needs is some couples counseling with this man. She cares about him. And obviously he still cares about her in some way, too, or else he wouldn't say that he's going to move back in with her and that he loves her. Don't get in the middle of this - you'll end up hurting her and yourself. You don't want her to resent you later, right? It would be even worse to continue this with a coworker...you're going to have to see her almost everyday after this mess is over with. You might as well stop this before it gets any deeper, and therefore more awkward and/or stressful at work.
She wants her fiance back. She loves him. He loves her. Every relationship has ups and downs - don't contribute to their problem by getting involved. If you really want her to be happy, then let them work on their relationship and stop confusing her.
Take care.
(And if they do end up splitting permanently, then *that* is when you should be there for her. And *that* is when you should start seeing this woman on a romatic and sexual level.)
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 April 2007):
 STOP...you're trying to paint yourself as a martyr to justify your sniffing around her.
"I whispered to her that I didn't have to go home anytime soon" You should get a job writing for a soap opera. Stop trying to enlighten her with your goodwill gestures. I don't know why people try to call them selves friends when all you want is to get in the way of her repairing her relationship. What kind of "friend" whispers that to another friend. I think that's a friend with a rotten plan and an erection.
Why didn't you buy her a book on marriages in crisis. Why didn't you suggest therapy for them?
"I really just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me" Come on man, listen to what you're saying. It's understandable that you like her. You're no friend though. Stand up like a man and say what the truth is....."I want her marriage to officially end so I can pursue her and eventually have her as my lady"
Don't try and see yourself this bill of goods that you're a helping hand in her life. At this point you're just another hurdle. Try to be more realistic.
Her husband is out seeing another woman, that's not great. Don't try and justify your actions by this though. Her marriage is none of your concern.
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