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I just found out my partner was a prostitute

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Question - (5 January 2012) 31 Answers - (Newest, 18 January 2012)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, *yotai writes:

Just found out that my partner was a prostitute - apparently a one off that she dreadfully regrets...I love her but am at a loss what to do now...sorry so short but I'm too upset for many details.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012):

I am thinking that if this is indeed an inner, self worth issue and you are an insecure man to begin with- no advice on this site will help.

For some, weaknesses if left untrained and untreated, can be our greatest downfall and has more to do with our life choices and how we problem solve and make life choices.

I already can see a pattern of behaviour in previous posts and in this post.

I suggest the BEST thing you can do for yourself and future plans and happiness is to seek professional therapy.

With the willingness to be open, honest, and forthcoming with your dating history and your own shortcomings- can real progress begin.

Take Care.

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A male reader, myotai United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2012):

myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@chaliceofdamnation

We met on a 'dating' site but NOT an escort type site. Known her for over a year. 'Dated' briefly then things took off very quickly. We were/are very happy and making plans for the future - I've posted here to establish if it's me that has to deal with MY issues or to get help in realising I'm getting into something I'm going to regret in the future. I'm unclear why you seem to think I'm using avoidance? I wouldn't be in here if I was! Also this is not how she earns her money, it's was a one off so I am told.

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (17 January 2012):

So your partner has a friend that works in the escort agency and basically acts as a pimp? or does she just "connect" her mutual aquaintences? Is this friend responsible for your girlfriend trying this line of work? I would be mega uncomfortable with this. Maybe this friend has a coersive influence as well. Hmm, whilst you dont want to be paranoid or a dictator I think you need to put some distance between your gf and this so called friend of hers... Can you move to a different town?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012):

I have noticed you AVOIDED answering some questions of mine previously.

How did you meet her? A date site, what type of date site?

How long have you dated her for? Are you Long Term or still 'dating'? You live separately?

And if its an occupation- her way of making a living- then its YOU that has to rethink being with her.

You don't just date someone without knowing how they earn money or expect them to change their life to be with you. You discuss this BEFORE locking into a long term relationship.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (17 January 2012):

CindyCares agony aunt Oh yes. There is an end to the tests. When you declare it. Stop. The end. Game over.

All the Aunts here raise valid points and I agree that's not right to crucify a person all her life for a past mistake.

But reading your update , if I were in your shoes I'd feel very uneasy too.

One thing is accepting that in his/ her past your partner HAD some dalliance with drugs, another seeing him/ her hanging out with pushers. Makes you wonder. If the past is past- better , and more natural, to distance oneself from it and all the people who would bring it back even just as a temptation, even just as a memory in fact. Because supposedly it is a bad memory .

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A male reader, myotai United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2012):

myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update*

So last night she tells me she's off for a coffee today with the woman who made the booking for her to see her 'punter'. Is there any end to the testing I am having to go through here??? She yet again assures me that the woman in question was an old friend anyway and used to work in the same office together. Also that a mutual friend will be there too. Is it me or is she being extremely insensitive to my feelings by telling me she is seeing a woman who still books girls in to see men???

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A male reader, bruce lee Nigeria +, writes (14 January 2012):

bruce lee agony auntYou know, I think we all worry to much about these kind of things. It's not like somebody died.

So, just think about how much you love her when you kiss her. Not that one minor mistake she made.

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (11 January 2012):

Hey, as I said on a similar topic a few months ago, many women, including my wife, had sex with strangers in exchange for a couple of beers, or less. It didnt mean anything to my wife at the time, and I expect it didnt to yours. There is an impact on the "meaning" of intimacy, but not on how deeply she can love you. I would however, be uneasy about the profile updating after you met, but if this is resolved you have to try very hard not to beat yourself up over this and stop labelling her. Att one level most women in the world exchange sex for something, love, security, money, etc, try also not to interogate her, she was different then and if you add to her hurt over this she will lose trust in your compassion. Time heals, believe me, but it will be a year or two before you will be able to understand and reflect on the past without feeling sick.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012):

This website edits comments and does not always give you all the feedback you receive. That is why the "male psyche" gets attacked in threads like this and you get mostly criticized for not brushing off this whole thing.

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A male reader, myotai United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2012):

myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No, it was all planned and organised through an Escort Agency...also we don't talk about it anymore. I am over it - I love her too much to allow this to come between us. To be honest if I think about it, I feel sick. So I don't.

She's too good to lose and I love her far too much to allow my feelings to ge in the way of us.

Thanks for all your help, you really are a fantastic bunch!

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 January 2012):

YouWish agony auntWait WAIT! Hold on a second...

You said something really interesting...

"when I asked bentley if this was because it reminded her of him, ie something he did, she broke down and said she didn't want to talk about it! How can we move on from this if I can deal with her past but I also remind her of him?"

That's a really weird reaction from someone who planned from the start to have sex with someone for money (i.e. Indecent Proposal style or some other preordained transaction).

I could be really off, but what if she was raped (acquaintance raped) and the guy out of guilt or whatever at realizing that she wasn't okay with it offered her money or paid her off to keep quiet or to soothe his own guilty conscience? She would be traumatized and shame filled at the same time.

I will tell you this, OP, that you constantly bringing up the guy now that you know about it is really traumatic, no matter what the context. Yes, I feel for you, and this isn't a trust issue. It's that you look at her through different eyes, and I get it. But it sounds like whatever happened with this "one-off", it wasn't an impersonal business transaction that usually causes a reaction like this.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (9 January 2012):

Danielepew agony auntPoster, you are right, and I still believe you should leave her.

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A male reader, myotai United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2012):

myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Who said I was being anything other than compassionate??? That's a bit harsh. Am I allowed to have feelings here? I DO NOT hold it against her at all but equally am struggling with my feelings that are not purely egocentric! You can't change the fact that almost any man who loves a woman would feel the same. Short of changing the whole male psyche that is.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (8 January 2012):

person12345 agony auntShe cried and said she didn't want to talk about it when brought up? So you don't trust her because she experienced something extremely horribly traumatic? ... Even though I know this was a one time thing, maybe if you better understood what it's like to prostitute yourself, you'd feel what you should be feeling: empathy.

The majority of prostituted women report being raped while working. Over 65% suffer PTSD as a result of prostitution. Between 70-90% were sexually abused prior to entering. More than half have been beaten. I know her experience was probably not that extreme, but many prostituted women refer to prostitution as pay per rape so it's certainly feasible that it was highly traumatic.

What is it about finding this out that makes you feel like she's done something actively wrong that makes her undeserving of love and compassion?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012):

How did you Meet this New Woman? How long ago was it you met and how long before you became intimate? How old is the relationship?

This is to help us out to better answer you. Please and thank you.

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A male reader, myotai United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2012):

myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To answer a previous reply, no this is not the same woman I posted about some time ago - she is 'NEW' as you described her.

Things seemed go be going well and we have become intimate again. However, and this is very sensitive for me to disclose, but she says it's hard for her to allow me to touch her (intimately ... fill in the gaps!!!) when I asked bentley if this was because it reminded her of him, ie something he did, she broke down and said she didn't want to talk about it! How can we move on from this if I can deal with her past but I also remind her of him?

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A male reader, daddylonglegs United Kingdom +, writes (7 January 2012):

Hi there,

You have had some excellent advice and opinions,if you truly love her, you should be proud of her for being totally honest with you, the past is history,look forward to the future and build it together.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012):

Is this the same woman you claim to have fallen in love with as she ticked every box for you, especially the phyisical box as sex is very very important to you gal?

That you knew you were in love with after 3 months?

Or is this another NEW woman?

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (6 January 2012):

Danielepew agony auntThroughout history, men are known to have fallen in love with prostitutes. They are women, so why should that not happen at all?

Value judgments aside, the poster is not happy with what he discovered. It is clear she would never tell him that, because of the reaction anyone would be wise to expect. He fears that she is still in the business but will not tell him so. I think the sensible thing is for them to part ways. This is a problem with trusting her, and, in my humble opinion, it will always be there.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (6 January 2012):

YouWish agony auntOh no no no. Hold on a second.

This happened before you met. Before you met. She was not obligated to tell you about this any more than you were obligated to tell her about any casual encounters or one night stands in your past.

What does this even mean, that you can't be intimate because you'll see the same face the "one off" did? Really? Have you not had sex with anyone before you met her? What makes your sex any different than what she had? That she got paid for it?

Sorry, but my opinion is that you need to get a serious grip. She's not a prostitute. She had a casual sexual encounter that she regrets, just as there are things in your sexual past that I'm sure you likewise regret. If you've ever watched porn or bought a woman a drink or dinner or anything in anticipation of sex, then you have no greater moral footing to warrant your reaction.

As for her updating the dating site a month after you started going out, was it understood that you both were exclusive, and even more importantly, has she been communicating with guys on it on an ongoing basis, because if not, you're grasping for something to justify your moral outrage, and I'm sorry, but this doesn't justify you.

She's not a prostitute. She's not a whore. She's not a slut. She's not a street walker. She's not a loose, hussy, easy, sleeps around, fill in the degrading terms that she doesn't even begin to deserve. She made a personal mistake in her desperation before she met you, and it was before you met her.

If you can't handle it, you should let her go so that someone will love her and not judge her. But I have the feeling that you will come to your senses, see her for what she is...the woman that loves you and has been faithful to you. She's done nothing whatsoever to warrant the least bit of a tarnish of her in your eyes.

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A male reader, myotai United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2012):

myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the question

'apparently' it was before we met. But the website she enrolled in say she updated her profile a month after we were together and a week before my birthday. She says it was an 'auto update' !?

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (5 January 2012):

YouWish agony auntI agree. A one-off doesn't mean a prostitute. Sounds like she was desperate and did something that she deeply regrets.

However, there's something you might have left off. Did she have this experience AFTER being with you, or before?

If it was before she met you or started dating you, then that's part of her sexual past. She should not be branded a prostitute (or any worse epithets). Everyone has done things in their life that they regret.

If she did this after the two of you were together without your knowledge, that's an entirely different story. You would have to deal with it as you'd deal with any act of infidelity, with its own set of decisions and heart to heart discussions between you two.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012):

Not enough detail, but a one-off doesn't make her a prostitute any more than boiling an egg makes you a chef.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (5 January 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntHey TELLULAH, is that avatar a green butt?

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A male reader, myotai United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2012):

myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am in pieces here! I 'discivered' the fact wasn't told. She was desperate to keep a house over her head. And, yes, been tested. I just don't know how I could be intimate with her again seeing the sane face the 'one off' did

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (5 January 2012):

Danielepew agony auntI agree with Eyes. More information is needed. Do you say "was" as in "used to be"?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012):

It was brave of her to come forth with such a revelation. I would agree that to chose to do such a 'trade' would mean she felt so hard pressed by life she felt she had no other options.

Also like to point out that women who have been sexually abused/molested/raped as a child are more likely to resort to prostitution for a means to provide for herself. Beign they already suffer low self image of their body.

So I imagine it was pretty darned scary of her to give that truth. How many people would do such a thing? In todays society when the message is None Of Your Business, Its the Past, People should be allowed to have secrets.

I am thinking she is really in love with you and trusts you so much, she felt it fair, honest, just to come to you with that.

In Canada Prostitution is not illegal. It is seen as a viable means to provide neccessities of everyday life.

Is it something you just openly discuss with any guy you begin to date or is it something that is shared when the relationship deepens? When trust is also present. Hmm.

So what is the timeline of you and partner being a couple?

Does it really change who she is? Her worth? Her nature? Her love?

It would be shocking to hear and may even hurt but when do you think you would feel safe to share something of a nature you may feel shame and regret over with someone you date?

In the end, I suggest healing and dealing with this in couples counselling. This is something that can be overcome and bring you two closer. Hardships are meant to be battled together to strenthen and unify.

Hang In There.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (5 January 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntReally need more details I'm afraid. How long have you been together? "Partner" are you married? How long ago did this happen? Has she been tested for STD's?

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2012):

TELLULAH agony auntI can understand your upset, but as you said she deeply regrets this, and it is in the past! I have to admit it would be tough to forgive that sort of thing, but you have to admire the lady for telling you the truth! Not like she hid it from you. If your really in love with this lady, maybe you should give her a chance?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012):

If you cannot deal with it you need to get out. I know they say love conquers everything but theres a limit. I could not live with it.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (5 January 2012):

person12345 agony auntI'm assuming she did it out of some kind of desperation? Have you asked what kind of circumstances would drive her to put her safety in danger for money? People who do this need sympathy, not anger. When you say one-off, do you mean she exchanged sex for money once or she only did it briefly?

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