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I just can’t shake the feeling that he’ll be benefiting from me!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 August 2018) 11 Answers - (Newest, 25 August 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey, so I have a dilemma!

My boyfriend of 6 months is due to move in soon, I'm very happy and so is he, we adore each other.

I have my own place which is owned by family, I don't pay any rent, my grandmother pays for the service charge which is £2,000 a year, all i have to cover is bills. I have been living comfortably for the past 4 years by myself. I have bought all the furniture and contents, I love my place.

So my boyfriend is due to move in, it seems as though I should just cut the bills in half and then he pays his share, but I can't help feeling that he's benefiting from me loads (he lives in a shared flat the moment paying £750 per month) if he pays half my bills he will be paying just £190 per month, I just can't shake the feeling that he's benefiting from me, especially as me and my family own the place and I have bought all the contents.... I think this stems from a relationship that was very similar 5 years ago and he moved in and I felt he was taking the piss...

I really want to live with him but I don't know what to do, I don't want to ask him to pay more then I pocked the rest, maybe he pays more and I keep it for holidays for the both of us...

Any advice much appreciated. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2018):

It is way too soon to move him in.After only six months you really do not know him at all!A good rule is to always wait at least two years.If it is really love it will last.In the beginning of a relationship people always show there best and those rose tinted glasses are way to dark to see who he really is.It would be so much easier to wait then have a bad breakup when you have to live with him because it will take lots of money to evict him once he is a tenant.When you rush a relationship they usually do not last.so take two years and really get to know who he really is .be smart.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (24 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYes it sounds like you have lived very comfotably and you are lucky that you have such a generous family that you can 'benefit' from.

Yes your boyfriend would also be benefitting from your family if he moves in. I wouldn't say directly from you because it sounds like you have been handed everything on a plate. Lucky you, not many people get that start in life.

However you sound like you are not willing to share the luxury you have been handed in life, which sounds quite selfish. If he is someone you love and want to move in with you then it wouldn't be an issue. I mean yes all the contents you have are your own and you have spent your money on, but they will still be yours even if he moves in so I don't understand the issue at all.

No you shouldn't pocket the rest, fair enough if you wanted a flat mate, but he is your partner and you want to take money from him? I am wondering is it because you got a good start in life it has made you act spoilt and entitled to things.

Firstly I would suggest if he is moving in that you both open an account and add another £190 each to it monthly. Therefore you will still be spending £380 as will he and once it gets over the £2000 you pay your own service charge.

It amazes me that you feel begrudged allowing him to move in when your family do so much for you. He may one day be your family, but you don't seem to have the same generosity. Maybe you don't love him as much as you think you do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2018):

He went from boyfriend you adore to advantage taker in just a few sentences.

Are you worried he will save £500 per month and start saving for a deposit for his own place.

This arangement of living at grandmothers condo might not be permanent.

It may be that other family members will want to benefit from sale of the property should she pass away eventually.

The problem is that you are probably moving him in too fast.

Maybe you should consider getting married if he is the one for you.

Then you had better start saving for a deposit for a house of your own.

And children in the future will also need a home.

Are you ready for this commitment?

If not then what is the hurry to move him in.

You cant judge this man by his predecessor.

Be wary of giving mixed messages such as 'I love you and want to move you in so we can be together as much as we can.

But Ive just figured out that you will profiteer from this.'

If you get married the law protects you.

If you dont get married you need to talk money boundaries as soon as possible.

Its time to get your act together and to know what you want.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (23 August 2018):

N91 agony auntI forgot to mention. Why aren’t you paying the service charge? Sounds like YOU are taking advantage of your grandmothers kindness. Sounds very hypocritical to be complaining that your BF would be benefitting from the arrangement when you’ve got a cushty deal out of all of this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2018):

I’m sorry but you are not a generous person and you don’t love the guy. The idea of you doing something for him bothers you and it won’t apply just to money. Just ask him how much you want before he moves in.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2018):

Half is fair and that should include the yearly service fee of 2000 your grandmother pays.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think you should SHARE the cost that your grandmother pays and I think him paying HALF the cost is fair enough.

But I agree, him living with you will ALSO financially benefit YOU if you don't start paying your grandmother some of that 2,000 she shells out a year.

Maybe it's just too soon to live together? If this is hwo you feel about him?

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (22 August 2018):

N91 agony auntSo what do you suggest?

He pays more than he should be doing? You sound like you’re getting a great deal out of this whole thing also so why are you so adamant that he’s going to take advantage? If he’s paying half of the bills then I’m not seeing what the issue is. If you want to live with your BF then how else can you do it besides him living where you currently are or finding another place together?

I’m sure you’d rather him pay half the monthly cost of your current premises as opposed to both paying more at an alternative place.

I think you’re making a big issue here where it doesn’t need to be. If you live together and he’s paying for it then where’s the problem? I don’t get what you’re expecting him to do to make it more ‘fair’.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2018):

I would say let him move in and wait and see if he is going to chip in or not. Dont tell him about cost sharing and what not. Leave it to his discretion. Let this be a test of his intentions. Whether he is interested in a serious comitment or not. Because in my book once he is in then he should act as the man of the house and offer to bear all the expences himself. Then you can decide at your free will how much your contribution should fairly be. If he doesnt like the arrangement he can leave. I agree with WiseOwlE that you guys should at least pay the service charges to your grandmother since you are not paying any rent.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (22 August 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntThis is a difficult question. It really has more to do with your feelings than with the money. Here is a very old story about generosity and fairness. I'm interested in how you feel about the fairness of the situation.

"For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. 2 He agreed to pay them a denarius[a] for the day and sent them into his vineyard.

3 “About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing.

4 He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’

5 So they went. “He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing.

6 About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’

7 “‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered. “He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’

8 “When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’

9 “The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. 10 So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2018):

Charge him £850, and give that back to your grandmother for service charges; and split everything else in the household. You should pay your grandmother back some of her money; because you're living pretty comfy yourself.

It will show your family good-faith; and he doesn't get to take advantage of your good deal.

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