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I just can't help being jealous and worrying that he was lusting over those girls....

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 June 2011) 3 Answers - (Newest, 19 June 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'm in a really great relationship with a guy who I'd been friends with for years. We've been together two years, we're both 19 and live together.

About a month ago, I asked if I could use his laptop to go on the internet, he said yes. Completely innocently, I went to save a picture from one website to upload onto another, and the folder that opened had about 30 or so porno photos inside!

It really hurt because I knew that before being with me he looked at porn, but since being with me he's always told me that he just looks at me and loves looking at me, and that (in his own words) porn is worthless. We spoke about it and he explained to me that he wasn't feeling in a horny mood, it was like 4 in the morning, he was knackered and he just had this unwanted boner getting in the way. He said he tried to masturbate without visual stimulation but as he wasn't feeling sexual at all he couldn't visualise scenarios like he usually does, so he looked at these photos for the stimulation. When I asked him why he didn't just look at the sexy photos I've given him like he usually does, he said he can't think of me as just a piece of meat and he finds it disrespectful to me to have an emotionless wank looking at me.

He's said he didn't feel like he was betraying me as he wasn't lusting over these girls or thinking to himself "Ooft, she's fit" and that if this had been the case he'd know that I'm not right for him, and he has no intention to waste his time in a relationship where the girl he's with isn't everything he wants..

My issue really is with the fact that he saved them, because to me it's like why save them if you weren't enjoying it or didn't feel like you wanted to keep them?

His response to that was that when he first started looking at porn, he used to save literally everything because he wanted to keep it. Over time he just carried on saving them regardless, then he'd come across it on his computer later and delete it (he has told me this before this whole porn issue so I think this is true). Back when he was into porn he says he used to save it just because it was a habit and that was his method of using porn.. In the past he's also told me that when he used to look at porn he used to c*me as quickly as he could, but that when he masturbates over me he takes his time and makes it last and really enjoys it..

When this is all written down in front of me like this it seems so trivial and I feel really silly for worrying because he's obviously not a porn freak and I know it wasn't some glorious passionate enjoyable wank but a release, despite this I just can't help being jealous and worrying that he was lusting over those girls.. He's told me that they could've been blokes but you couldn't tell or that their heads could've been cropped out of the photo, and that all he was looking for was female naked/half naked bodies to keep him stimulated..

He's said he didn't realise that I'd be this hurt by it and he's said there's no way he'll ever look at it again, but it still hurts and makes me sad..

Can someone please just reassure me here, I think part the problem is I don't want to put my trust back in him again if all of this is untrue. It sucks because now I'm worried that he's constantly checking out other girls all the time, something which never crossed my mind or bothered me before, but now when we go out shopping or if I'm browsing a social networking site I'm paranoid thinking that he's looking over my shoulder lusting after all these girls.

Please can someone put my mind at rest :( I'm doing his head in questioning him on the same things every day for the past 6 weeks, I just want things to go back to normal!

View related questions: horny, jealous, porn, the internet

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A female reader, nikkistarz United States +, writes (19 June 2011):

Men who don't look at porn are few and far between. If they tell you they don't like it, usually it's just to make you feel better. The honest truth is that if no one was looking at it, the sex industry wouldn't be as big as it is. I know it's hard to get past the thought that "he may be thinking about having sex with those women". But so what if he is? He'll never meet them and even if he does he'd never actually want A RELATIONSHIP with them.

As far as other girls are concerned... all men look. We like to think that our man only finds us attractive, but that's not true any more than your man is the only one you find attractive. As long as he's not disrespectful enough to gawk at women in your presence, leave him alone. Definitely leave him alone about the porn.

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A female reader, HoneyEyedLatina United States +, writes (14 June 2011):

HoneyEyedLatina agony auntI hate to say this but you are lucky. lol The only reason I say this is cause my fiance is addicted to porn. Porn has actually gotten in the middle of our relationship. See I have no problem with porn because it's absolutely normal for men and women, however, if it's interfering with your job, family or relationship then it is a problem. My fiance pleases himself to porn every single day. He can only ejaculate once a day so if he got off before seeing me then I don't get nothing! Selfish huh?

He doesn't save anything on his laptop and everytime his computer shuts off it automatically wipes out his history. His obsession is "busty latinas". Ummm I'm a busty latina so someone please explain to me why he insist on jerking off to women who look exactly like me instead of actually getting off with me?

We don't live together so that's another reason he turns to porn but I'm always willing to go to his house and get down. I'm great in bed (ive always been told that)I'm still tight as day one, in fact it hurts him sometimes and this dude still insist on using his hand. He says that he has an addictive personality and that it's hard for him to break his habit and that he enjoys looking at new women. Is he saying that he's bored of me or what? We have fought over this many many times and have broken up over it.

I am emotionally scarred over this and if we do break up for good then I can never get with someone who uses porn frequently unless he includes me with it. He says that he is going to slowly ween himself off of it and just do it "less often" instead of everyday. If he was able to ejaculate more than once a day and I got my share even though he had already gotten off, then I wouldn't be upset like I am now. What is the point of being in a relationship when you significant other prefers to get off to porn instead of having sex with you?

The first thing you would think is that something is wrong with you or that your lame in bed or your loose or something. But that is completely not the case with me. What I'm trying to say is that men will always look at porn regardless. Like I mentioned earlier, my fiance looks at busty latinas even though I'm a very busty latina. It hurts me something awful......

I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend is concerned that you are upset over this and recognizes that it hurts you. Out of respect for you he shouldn't save anything on his laptop where you can see it and if he wants to look at porn then he should include you with it. Some relationships are open and they have porn all over the place but your boyfriend needs to respect your wishes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011):

Don't worry. Guys look at porn...it's just what they do. It doesn't mean he cares about you any less, or that he thinks about the girls in those photos when he is with you, and wishes that he could be with them.

The girls in the photos aren't real to him. They are just body parts...no personality, no character, no charms. He loves you for the person you are, and respects you. That's why he told you that he didn't use the photos of you, because he didn't want to think of you as a piece of meat.

Cut him some slack. It's not worth the fighting. If you keep interrogating him, you'll lose him...and I'm sure that's not what you want. He sounds like a decent guy.

Good luck!

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