A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:hey! i am really worried about whether im alright or not so i decided to ask you for advice. thanks a lot if u take the time answering me.well i think i am really weird because sometimes i wish i had bruises on my face / arms so that people (the kids in my class and my teachers) would notice that and would think:"she must get beaten at home!"i know this sounds so weird and unsavory. sometimes some weeks pass without me having these thoughts. when i have these thoughts they are always like flashes in my head and they really shock me. i sit in class and suddenly i think:"would be cool if i had bruises so that people would feel sorry for me. oh god, what did i just think???" i sometimes have little daydreams (well really short ones) of me, being bruised on my arms and being in class. i imagine me joking around and being cool and happy and people looking at me thinking "poor girl, she must get beaten at home. she is so cool, she is so funny and positive although she must suffer at home."the thing is, i feel often very unhappy at home because i dont have a close relationship with my parents. my dad has beaten me - very rarely - when i was much younger, now he practically stopped. i'm 19 yrs old now. sometimes i play with the idea of hurting myself so i would have bruises and pretend i got beaten by my dad. i love to talk, to make others laugh, i love being the centre of attention. i dont have to be always the centre of attention, i also love to help others and to listen to them! sometimes i even have worse daydreams: i imagine that someone of my family died and the kids at school and my teachers comfort me and i could show everyone how strong and cool i am. sometimes i imagine me sitting in class, dressed in black, very pale, looking gorgeous and having tears in my eyes. everyone else feels sorry for me. i know this sounds totally weird and i know its a nightmare to actually lose someone in real life or be beaten at home. but i cant help i have these thoughts sometimes. they scare me too. i feel like a really crazy person sometimes :( i feel ungrateful too because i have the best friends u can imagine and i get a lot of attention at school. and of course i dont want anyone to die!!!what do u think about all that?i appreciate your help very much. thank u!!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (17 May 2008):
 Hi hon,
You're not abnormal at all, lots of people have thoughts like yours! Fantasizing about situations that would give people a chance to demonstrate that they care about you is not uncommon or unusual.
It's kind of a 'that will show them'! mentality, which I fully understand, because I remember having the exact same kind of thoughts too. Though maybe not being so lovely at the funeral ;)
Maybe it's a way of coping with unhappy thoughts about your home life or your school life or your friends, but thinking them isn't bad. Acting on them, that's another thing.
I think you know that these thoughts wouldn't be considered proper or healthy, but I think it's healthy that you recognize them as just fantasy. So you're on the right track, I think, and maybe as you get more insight into yourself through thinking these things out, and seeing a counselor if you need to, then I think you'll be just fine.
By the way, is your dad hurting you now in any physical way? Is he being emotionally cruel to you? I just want to make sure that this is something that isn't happening because if it was, then there is definitely an issue with your home life that people need to know. So that you can be helped better.
All the best, and I think you are very brave to even ask the question!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks a lot i will do that! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you...yeah i would not lie, i know its bad but just the fact i daydream these things make me feel so bad and ashamed. and i actually really love my dad although i sometimes think i hate him, that scares me too. i never hurt him or tell him that i just cry by myself and feel terrible and the hate - feeling stops very soon.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (17 May 2008):
 Oh and please feel free to email me. We have a lot in common past-wise and I am curious why we both feel similar present day. The psychologist in me I guess.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (17 May 2008):
You just like being the center of attention. If you had bruises on your arms everyone would worry about you and talk about you thus making you the center of attention. It makes sense and does not make you crazy but it is a little unhealthy. You are not close to your parents so you most likely look for the attention elsewhere. I understand how you feel somewhat, the wanting to get attention part. And you want the romantic feeling of it all- people talking about how brave you are and optimistic despite what you suffer. In real life it isn't like that. They would talk about you sure, but more in a- feel sorry for you having to have such a bad man for a dad, that sucks for her- way. And some would tell other people and it is quite possible your dad would be contacted by police for leaving bruises on you. I daydream a lot about things I do and what people think of me, so even if we aren't normal atleast you aren't alone, lol. Don't make anything up to be the center of attention. If you start lying someone will figure it out and that wouldn't be good at all. And of course you don't want anyone to actually die, it is just the attention you get from everyone once again. You just want to stand out and be different. That is fine but do it in healthy ways. Possibly see a counselor to get everything sorted out as to why you feel the need to do this. Good luck.
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