A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I’m so lost right now. A year ago I met an amazing man, instantly I felt a connection. It sounds silly but I wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship and they say it’s when you stop looking you find it. I’m a 25 year old business owner- I actually have two company’s which became/are very successful very quickly. I met this man at the gym looking for an escape from my daily stresses. We started dating (around 10 months ago) and it was passionate/exciting but also very different to anything I’ve had before. I connected very deeply with this man, and likewise him for me. He’s almost like the guys you read about or see in films- he has a heart of gold, he’s beautiful on the inside, kind, caring, I can’t evwn really put into words how beautiful of a personality he has. However it became apparent he struggled with his own issues. He has battled depression for years, never had confided in anyone, relationships had all been for show. He has his own successful career, lovely parents- but it shows depression can get anyone regardless of circumstances. Long story short we dealt with it, he saw a therapist, confided to his parents and made amazing progress. It was hard dealing with this during a new romance but we did it and came out stronger. During our short 9 months we’ve had issues with his ex girlfriend causing trouble wanting him back, his depression and the therapist. At times I wanted out but I’ve stuck it out. Things seemed to be sorting out finally, and now all of a sudden our sex life has gone. That was the one thing we had, no matter what, was a brilliant sex life. I had better sex with this guy after one months than I did in five years with my ex partner. We just work together, it feels ‘right’ I guess. He can no longer keep an errection. The first time was after alcohol so I put it down to the drink, it then happened the following day when fully sober. He blamed a torn groin muscle he was getting physio on. Since then it’s happened 7 times. Now we we have sex I feel anxious, stressed and on edge that it’s going to happen again. It’s obviously mortifying for him but equally it’s embarraainf and has affected me also. We’ve talked openly about it and I’ve tried to support him. But now I feel like I’ve lost what we had, whilst I’m trying to not let it effect me it has. I no longer want to have sex with him over the fears it will happen again and how we will deal with the situation. The awkwardness that follows. At 25 I’m being awful selfish here, but I’m worried that this could be my future. Supporting someone through depression/therapy and now no see life. I have feelings for this guy but all of this in 9 months has been tough. I don’t know how to deal with it and I have this constant feeling to get out and run. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2018): Impotence is something all men struggle with, whether they would like to admit it or not. At this point Id highly recommend Viagra. He needs that reassurance that its totally possible to get an erection. Or maybe extensive oral. In any case, you are in no obligation to be there.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2018): You are very compassionate to have stood by him while he dealt with his issues. But you are not obligated to mother him for the rest of your life. That does not mean you are being selfish, it means you’re being realistic. You are the only one who is going to look out for your future. You are a young woman and have every right to have a normal, happy, fulfilled relationship and life. Do not stop pursuing your wants and needs.You don’t come right out and say it, but you love him (or at least you did love him) and you see that he has many very good qualities – in fact he is potentially “the man of your dreams”! If only things could get back to normal… You’re a very capable woman and you’re facing another challenge. Here is a two pronged plan of attack for you to consider: (1) try to help him through this latest problem, and (2) at the same time prepare for the possibility that you and him may part ways.You believe that he has many redeeming qualities, so it is probably worthwhile putting your considerable talents wholeheartedly into trying to help him resolve his problem. It definitely is not normal for a young man to suddenly lose his virility – there is a reason. The easiest explanation would be that it is a side effect of a drug that he is taking. For example beta blockers (prescribed for high blood pressure) are known to adversely affect sexual function. It could be a vitamin or mineral diet deficiency; it could be a mental issue. Once again enlist the help of anyone you can think of, including professionals such as a doctor who practises Functional Medicine. Make sure that he is putting as much effort into resolving this as he did for the depression issue. If he does not recognise the problem or put the effort into it, or if at any time you conclude that your efforts are futile, then those would be grounds for you to end your efforts and strongly consider dropping him.For the second part, quietly make any preparations necessary so that you could very quickly pull away from him, just in case you made that decision. Hopefully you have maintained your own apartment. Quietly move anything that you consider valuable or irreplaceable back to your apartment. If you don’t have your own residence, then quietly put together a game plan that would be feasible to implement on short notice. As well, you could consider pulling back from him a little bit. In your own mind, clearly think of yourself as an independent person again, rather than as his ‘mate’ or however you have been thinking about it – and keep that in mind when you make day-to-day decisions. And perhaps start doing a few more of the things that you used to do on your own. Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, SoHelpMeCupid23  +, writes (5 September 2018):
There are a lot of factors as to why he is having trouble with sex. His depression, meds (if he is on any, whether it be for depression or his turn grid muscle) ,his said torn groin muscle, or perhaps the times you two decide to have sex or even the amount/ frequency. Perhaps continue hitting the gym again if you guys have stopped. Consider seeking professional medical help to figure out what's going on. Maybe try something new in the bedroom. Maybe cut back on that alcohol intake.Until the cause of this issue is figured out, nothing can be done.(sadly)It ultimately comes down to your needs.If sex is a big factor for you in terms of a long term relationship, I suggest you weigh out the pros and cons. Your goal is your happiness. I think you should ask yourself "Is putting up with his depression and sexual troubles worth his golden personality?" Then there is the question "we have only been dating a year, will his golden personality change?"If so... "what am I left with?"What you value is what will make you not only appreciate things, but will make you happy.I don't know your whole story. This is just a snippet of your book. But from my perspective of this snippet, I didn't see you say you loved him.You said you felt a connection. You admire his personality. But you also said "that was one thing we had, no matter what, was brilliant sex". Is this all interrelated? Do you feel a connection overall or is it primarily a sex connection? You admire his personality, but is it as a person or in the bedroom?The fact that you feel like running away means something. Figure out what is it that you want run away from. And figure out what keeps sticking around.And in the answer to that,you'll find out that the reason you feel like fleeing, is because of something that makes you unhappy. In contrast you'll find that the reason you're sticking around, is what you find valuable and is what will make you happy.Now all you need to do is figure out whether or not the reason you're sticking around, is worth it, or if it's even still there...Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2018): Hi. Is he on any meds? Or having financial issues? Some men suffer “down there” when they feel their masculinity is in jeopardy. I’m also curious about the ex. How was she in contact with him?
I also want to tell you to be careful as perhaps it could be based on lust or infatuation. It’s crummy to say but I tell you from personal experience, some people seek out caregivers. It’s like codependency.
I hear you say, at least there’s the sex. Don’t use it like a bandaid for the real issues. It’s a hard, painful pill to swallow. Trust me I know.
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