A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some help! I'm currently sat here in tears... most of my weekends pass this way. I broke up with a guy about 3 years ago. I loved him deeply but messed everything up and after a lot of trying he gave up on me. I haven't moved on. I miss him terribly all the time and feel lonely and alone. I've changed things in my life I worked harder and got promoted and I go to gym classes five days a week to keep me from getting depressed and keep busy but the point is everything feels empty and I can't help but feel unsatisfied with life. I haven't been with anyone since we broke up not even a date but no one is him. I've not even had a meaningful connect which may lead to a date. I'm worried because its been 3 years now and I don't want my life to pass like this. Everyone around me is getting on and getting married and having kids, just progressing in life and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I still want to be with him. We email each other sometimes and he says he loves me still but we can't be together. I don't know how to start moving on and have relationships again. I'm scared I'll never meet anyone I like and I'll always be wishing for him. I'm getting older too and I want a family.How do I move on and stop missing him and start having relationships again? How do I just stop feeling like this?
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reader, GhostChild  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 I generally agree with everyone else here.
Unfortunately you can't "just stop" feeling like this. It's going to take time. And it sounds to me like you haven't moved on for a number of reasons.
When you break up and end a relationship that had a lot of meaning to you, it's a lot like when a loved one dies. You need that period of grieving and mourning for the loss before you can move on - and it sounds like you haven't really let yourself do that. Focusing on work and the gym etc. are all good things, but they may have also distracted you from accepting the end of your relationship. Staying in touch with him has also caused your progress in life to stagnate.
I know that it's so much easier said than done. But you need to break off contact with him as well. Like others said, staying in touch with him leaves hope, but it's also stopping you from moving on. You need to shut the door on that part of your life otherwise you will never be able to fully move on. Break off contact as soon as you can.
Do you still have things around from your relationship with him? i.e. Do you have photos up, gifts from him, things that remind you of him still around your house? If so, I strongly recommend getting rid of them. It's hard (I know from experience) and if you can't bring yourself to throw them out, then at least take everything and box it up and put it into storage. Out of sight - out of mind.
I hope this helps. It's a hard road, but you can do it. Goodluck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Your guilt is holding you hostage. Your continued connection with him keeps you desperately clinging to a tiny glimmer of hope that he will take you back.
You must think that If you hold out long enough, he will come around. Your mind cannot comprehend the fact that is not going to happen. You've managed to completely bury yourself in denial.
My dear, he has moved on. He remains in your life; because you will not let go. You're desperate. It has become your lifeline. No matter how long it takes. You have encased your heart in cement; and will not allow anyone else in. You are holding out for him in vain.
You are pleading for his forgiveness. You believe his refusal to take you back, means he is withholding forgiveness. So you are stuck in emotional-limbo.
Self-imposed at that.
He can shove it where the sun don't shine. He encourages you by allowing you limited access to his life. Although he has no intention of ever re-inviting you into his space.
You are mature and intelligent enough to you that you can't force forgiveness out of anyone. All you can do is try. Then you give up, and forgive yourself.
If a person is cruel; and doesn't have the capacity or the compassion to forgive. That is apathy. An unforgiving person will play on your guilt to watch you squirm; even if you suffered for the rest of your life. This is destructive and very toxic behavior.
You claim he gave up on you. So why don't you give up?
So why is he still in-touch with you? Are you stalking his life? Refusing to leave him alone? Persistently pursuing him?
How else could someone be stuck for three years after a breakup? At some point he would want you to go away.
It seems you'd be a constant reminder; of how you messed up so bad he finally had to give up on you. Telling you he loves you is a trigger word. It drives your false-hope.
You've fed your addiction by maintaining contact, hoping this will not allow him to forget you.
It is wrong for you to be in touch with him. That is also feeding your obsession. You are addicted to the man, and you have convinced yourself you cannot live without him.
Your obsession, or addiction; may require some therapy. I would like you to find a book by Howard M. Halpery,Ph.d.
The book is titled: "How To Break Your Addiction To A Person." The book will give you some insight into your feelings, and the malfunction in your brain that is holding you emotional-hostage.
You have convinced yourself that you cannot be happy with anyone else. You also avoid contact with other men; because you fear you may become vulnerable, and unable to keep up your defenses. Someone may successfully penetrate your armor. It is impossible to remain immune to all men. So I can almost guess cheating may have been the issue.
You are running from life. Pretending to be living. When my partner passed away, and I shut myself off from carrying for anyone else for nearly six years. I simply felt like I would be cheating. I also had a fear of becoming attached, and they would suddenly die. I did finally allow myself to care again. It didn't last long, but my feelings were revived; and nothing has held me back since.
So you're isolated and trying to show your ex-boyfriend that you will wait. You are serving time in isolation for whatever you did. You're taking 100% of the blame for what you believe, or have been lead to believe, destroyed your relationship. You have become a martyr, and slave to his will.
Something has been damaged within you; it isn't healthy to be cutoff the way you are.
Something tells me there is a lot more to this than you have told. You won't even say what it is you did that was so "messed up." You must "forgive yourself" in order to break this psychological-bondage. You don't need it from him; because if he can't forgive you after three long years, there's something wrong. Forgiveness can be given without taking you back. Staying in-touch, only keeps your wounds open and bleeding.
Sympathy for your situation comes freely, but you also limit the full benefit of advice; because we have little to go on. If sympathy is all you want, you've got it.
Avoiding intimacy and remaining celibate to prove something to a man; who seems perfectly fine knowing you're suffering. This is manipulative behavior on his part. Dangling a carrot before you, always so close. Yet he yanks it out of your grasp by saying, you can't be together.
Adding fuel to the fire by telling he loves you; but...
Sometimes this is the work of a person who has a narcissistic personality. They control the strings, and manipulate remotely. He maintains contact, receiving narcissistic supply by letting you suffer trying to please him. They can convince you that everything you you is wrong, and you are completely at fault when anything goes wrong. They are always the innocent victim. They can do no wrong.
Therapy will help you to deal with your grief and sense of loss. He knows your weakness, and knows how to push your buttons. By telling you he still loves you.
Three years, and he hasn't taken you back. You are pretty stubborn.
Your addiction to this man is killing you from the inside. You are trying to prove to him that you're a good girl. Try proving that to yourself. That's where it is more important. It is vital to your psychological well-being.
If you are the victim of a narcissist, therapy will help you immensely. Therapy is required regardless; to help with your emotional shutdown. That alone needs attention.
It has to be recognized first. This is pure speculation on my part. You're hiding details to avoid being judged. I see through that very easily.
Read the book, if you don't decide to seek professional help. Do what I did. Just go on a date. Do something you've always wanted to do; in the company of man other than your ex. Make a male friend. If only as a workout partner.
Enjoy having a "real" male-friend with no pressures. Just for the fun and hanging. No friends with benefits bullsh*t. I'm tired of cop-out tactics. That's for people who've given-up to their insecurities. They're jaded and laden with trust-issues. Sometimes you just have to rely on your own strength and trust yourself, if nobody else.
This exercise is simply to override your compulsion of self-deprivation. It will feel awkward, even forced. That's how it was for me. The person I was with, somehow instinctively knew how to open me up. I was determined on my own to try.
I am grateful to him; because I thought that was impossible. I was dead inside. So I thought. It was my partner who passed away. Not me.
It took allowing myself to be with someone else to discover that. Even if only for a short-time. It was a therapeutic experience looking back on it.
You may only need to try but only once, and you will have some sense of your own power. Right now, you have surrendered all of yourself to your ex. This too, is strictly speculation; based on limited details.
I also sense that you've written about this before. You may be leaving out details not to reveal the similarities to a previous post. I sincerely apologize if I am incorrect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): Yep, stop talking to the ex. It's only keeping you hopeful when it's not leading anywhere. Also stops you from moving on. Tell him you can't move on while you're still friends and then just stop contacting him completely. Only then will you awaken to the existence of other men.
Also, try breaking out of routine. Go on a spontaneous holiday abroad with a traveling company with a group of strangers or something. Or do something completely out of your comfort zone that will get you out of this rut and routine. It will jumpstart you back to life.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (20 April 2014):
 You say you messed everything up. I'm curious what you feel you did in order to have done that. It sounds as though you're harboring a lot of guilt and it's making it hard for you to let it go.
Usually when people break up, it isn't because of solely one person. There's usually something both parties did that caused the breakup. Or that both parties mutually couldn't make it work. It sounds as if you really did try to do your part, but it still didn't work out in the end. But it sounds as if you're fully blaming yourself and I think that may be part of why you feel so stuck. You can't fully blame yourself for your relationship ending. it wasn't just you. Give yourself a break.
Also, I suggest thinking of seeing a counselor. After three years, it seems you aren't able to work past it on your own and may require the assistance of an outside source who can give you a different perspective than how you see things. There's nothing wrong with going to therapy. I think everyone should go. It's good for the mind and body to have someone to listen to you and be an unbiased party. I would look into that, if I were you.
Also, force yourself to go out on dates. I wouldn't normally suggest this, but it may be good for you. Even if it's just one date and you don't want a second. Just keep getting back out there. You may realize that you really actually do enjoy other peoples company after all, and it may remind you that there are other fish in the sea, after all.
Life keeps on going, and you either have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get going also, or fall into a pit of despair and never get back up. I know you don't want the latter. So the alternative is to do the types of things that get you the results you desire. Working out is a great start. Now keep on going with the rest.
Also, cut your ex out of your life and don't communicate with him anymore. I know that may be hard, but it's probably only reminding you of how much you miss him when he tells you he loves you but can't be with you. To move on, you need to fully let go. That means fully cutting contact. At least until you are over him and can't speak to him as a friend.
Anyway, I wish you all the best. Life will get itself sorted out and you won't always feel this way. And you're not too old to still find that someone and get married and have a family. but you do need to start working on yourself first, before that happens. You will find happiness. Just make the appropriate steps.
Best of luck to you! Keep your head up!
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