A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll start off by saying that I'm a 23 year-old male currently in college and fixing to graduate in May. My undergraduate degree is in very high demand and, barring something unforeseen, I should have a pretty well-paying job when I receive my diploma and have performed very well in an academic setting. Yet, for what should be a cause for celebration in my life, I am as depressed as I have been in a while. Time after time again I deal with the feeling of rejection, and I have yet to hold a successful relationship with any girl. This is despite the fact that I am a relatively attractive person and have been approached by good-looking women with the intent of starting something with me. Even with their initial advancement, I exude some sort of aura or personality that causes them to quickly run in the other direction. Whether I am just being myself, or trying to act confident and secure, my actions yield the same results.My problems with women are well-documented, and I am still a virgin despite the aforementioned advancements. After a prolonged period of time, these problems tend to erode my sense of self-worth and confidence. I can try as hard as I can to act confident on the surface, but deep down I am as turbulent as ever emotionally and also have extreme anxiety build up when the time comes close to take "action". I honestly feel like it isn't even worth it anymore, and I'd be better off just staying secluded in my condo staring at the wall listening to my refrigerator hum in the background. I'm too altruistic to take my own life, but if it were to end today I wouldn't give a damn and there isn't a single girl on the face of this Earth that would either. I feel like everyone else around me has experienced love at least once. Even if it was just a fleeting moment, the brief moment that everyone describes as pure bliss where you are simply holding onto someone that truly cares for you is something I would give anything for in life. And I am constantly told to "keep waiting" and everything will work itself out. I have yet to see any definitive proof to suggest that to be true. I've done my part and have taken great care of everything else in life to set myself up for the future. Nothing good has been produced from this, and my social skills remain awkward. I continue to bury my confidence into a hole that has no bottom and become a nervous wreck the moment I am approached by anyone I find attractive.To condense everything down and get to the question though... I believe I know what my problems are deep down, but how do I fix them? Confidence, social skills, and shyness are all key elements that have held me back to this point, and I have tried as hard as I can to fix those issues with no luck. Perhaps the biggest hurdle of all is my analytical mind that refuses to let things happen naturally and almost always plans steps way in advance in order to secure a desirable outcome. It's served me well in life... just not with women. Combine that major hurdle with the other three things I mentioned and it isn't hard to see why I am having trouble finding someone out there for me. But identifying a problem and finding a solution are two completely separate things. I have yet to find a solution that is remotely useful for my particular case and I honestly feel like I have run out of options.
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confidence, depressed, period, shy, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Have you tried online dating? I know there is still some stigma attached but honestly I believe it is the easiest way to meet someone, and it is the best practice out there for people that struggle with dating. You get approached by women, and you get to approach them without the issue of face to face rejection. You build a rapport through messaging, and then you go out on dates. And because it is online dating there is an accepted knowledge that you date multiple people at the same time until you have found someone you want to get serious with.
So there you have the perfect opportunity to learn how to communicate better with women through messaging, without the face to face issue. And then you get lots of practice with multiple women on real dates. If one doesnt work out - onto the next. New people sign up daily, so there is a constant stream of people for you to talk to.
Have any of these women ever told you why they 'run in the other direction' as you have said? Just interested to find out if you know any reasons why you are so unsuccesful.
To me it sounds like you worry too much and it doesnt come naturally to you - but that isnt a reason why ALL women would not be interested in you. If you are doing well in college and are on track for a good job clearly you are not that socially troubled, otherwise you would never be able to get a good job or interact with your professors to get that good college degree. So it seems it is just women that is the problem, and I personally am struggling to understand why!
Why do you think women are not attracted to your personality? Being shy and a lack of confidence cant be the problem, because you have said even when you are trying to be confident it doesnt work either. You say you know deep down why you are unsucessful, but I cant see why you are - is there something else you are missing out?
Or perhaps is it that you have already decided that women are not interested, therefore your negativity comes across so strongly that you appear stand-off ish to women and you give out vibes that you are not interested?
I honestly think you just need to broaden your methods of interacting with women i.e. online dating, going to more bars/clubs, joining more groups, doing new hobbies etc. That gives you more access to women, therefore more opportunities to talk to women and practice with them. The more you interact with women, the more comfortable you will be and then confidence will follow suit.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (8 February 2012):
Honestly?
The fact they approach you gives some hope. If nothing else, you don't look like a hunchback, don't have bad personal hygiene, and don't have the aura of a serial killer.
So, what happens after that point is where you need to look at adjusting your behavior.
Most women want either:
1) A manly stud who's aggressive, dominant, and will father studly sons.
2) A emotionally and economically supportive male who will listen, help them out when asked, and be generally a co-relationship sort of person.
Most likely, whatever vibe they are reading doesn't fit into either of those categories.
My suggestion is to get involved in something--a group activity, something--that involves a lot of women you don't plan dating. Then use your analytic mind to listen. It can be a school activity, work activity, volunteering activity, etc. As long as you're one of the few (straight) males and you listen, you will learn a lot. Make female friends, then network.
Then try baby-steps on dating.
Don't focus on the virginity thing either. The only people that are going to really care--in a positive way--are going to be people who have a thing for virgins. Unless you're chasing older women, probably not a class of people able to teach you much.
Good luck though.
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