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I have trust issues. He talked and flirted with a girl. What should I do?

Tagged as: Dating, Flirting, Social Media, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 February 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

So my boyfriend and i have been together a little over 5 months. And things are absolutely stinking amazing! The only issue is.. I have a hard time trusting him and dont know what to really do.

Towards the beginning of our relationship he was talking to his ex, they dated 2 years ago.

But it was his first real relationship. Well he told me they had talked but completely lied what about. His ex sent me screenshots of the conversation the next day. We talked about it. He promised to not talk to another girl in that way. But he has.

One day i was staying the night over at his house and i had a urge to just look through his phone. I dont like being snoopy so when he woke up.

I put his hand over my heartbeat and he knew something was wrong. I told him i snooped. Told him what i found. He apologized said it wouldnt happen again.

And yeah hes not acting upon anything but you still shouldn't flirt while in a relationahipand idk how to go about this... Help please!!!

View related questions: flirt, his ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly five months in and their is no trust? I don't think their is any hope for this relationship. It is not your fault, and maybe not his either. It sounds like he is looking for attention elsewhere. Is he over his ex 100% do you think? Honestly you guys should still be in the honeymoon phase all over each other and not dreaming off snooping. I don't think this is going to work long term.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017):

As a guy who considers flirting to be the way to interact with girls, yet not go any further, I'm always quick to say to posters such as you 'cut the guy some slack! flirting doesn't always mean there's someting going on!'

However, this time, I can't say that. If he's being deceptive, then you have every reason to not trust him.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 February 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt You do not have trust issues, you have an untrustworthy biyfriend.

He lied once, get caught, promised not do to it again.

Fine, everybody deserves a second chance, or so people say.

Then- you caught him the second time ( in 5 months ! and in what it's supposed to be your honeymoon stage ! )... and, guess what , he promises that it won't happen again.

Uhm. Does everybody deserve a third chance ? Very debatable.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017):

You don't trust him. And he's not doing anything to gain your trust. You're both still young... You can continue dating him but I don't see it going far. Why is he even in a relationship?!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017):

Sorry, sweetie, if you are having major trust issues only 5 months into a relationship, imagine what it will be like in a year or two. You will never to be able to trust him and it's only going to get worse.

It isn't your fault.

That's first.

The problem is you chose unwisely. This guy is not trustworthy. Not worthy of your trust. You are absolutely correct. A man in a committed relationship has no business flirting with any woman, including an ex girlfriend. And not only was he in touch with his ex but he lied to you about it. Therefore it is perfectly natural for you to not trust him because he is lying, downplaying his actions and promising it won't happen again. All classic signs of a player.

He stays with you because you are his steady source of sex. He doesn't want to lose that for the time being while he is out playing the field. But sweetie, once he does hook a new girl (or his ex) he is going to cheat on you. And downplay it again. Hoping you will stay with him. In fact, he would be expecting that because you have already forgiven him his bad behaviour with his ex.

And for his ex to be sending you screen shots? Well, she may have some ulterior motives herself.

Maybe he is not over that relationship and has unresolved feelings. How long has he been broken up with his ex? Has he had time to get over her? Has he always been a lady's man, a natural flirt, somebody who makes you feel nervous when he is around other women?

What is the point in investing all of your emotions into a guy if you don't feel safe with him? You have to trust him with your heart in his hands. Do you trust him? Do you give your heart to him to handle with care and feel confident beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is not going to crush it? That he has your best interests ahead of his own? And would never put his selfish needs above yours? These are all questions you need to ask yourself and answer honestly. They will tell you if you should stay with him.

It does get worse. The anxiety builds and it eats away at you. Eventually you will drive yourself crazy wondering where he is, what he is doing, who he is texting while you are not around. This is not good for your mental health. It is already going that way. So, it may be best to free yourself from him. Be strong. Guys like this never change. We think that if we love them enough, they will be forever devoted to us and never again flirt with another woman. This is not true. You cannot change him. There is something missing or broken inside him to be seeking out validation from other women, when it should come from himself first, and from his own girlfriend. Either you accept his flirting ways and the potential of him cheating on you or your leave him. The sooner, the better.

Feeling unsteady and unsafe in a relationship is never going to make you happy.

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