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I have to tell him I am moving, but I'm worried he might see it as a big complication!

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 27 July 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I apologise in advance for the long post.

I've been dating this guy for about a month now, and things seem to be working out fine. We haven't yet defined what the relationship is, and I'm afraid of asking, because I don't want to seem desperate, or force things. I just want to see where it goes, and let it be whatever it may be. That been said, there's some factors that may soon complicate our relationship.

First of all, we live in different cities. Less than an hour away, which makes it not so bad. But still. We met through common friends, since his best friend is my best friend's boyfriend. I actually met him a few years ago, but we never really talked or anything until a month ago. He works all the time, he gets only one day off, and sometimes not even that. But we still manage to see each other fairly often. Traveling to his town hasn't been a problem for me this past month since I'm on summer break from college. And let's say that money is not that much of an issue for me right now, because I'm on my parent's house for the summer. He comes to visit me too, and I appreciate that he does, since I know he's got a lot of work, and not so much money. The thing is... on monday, I go back to college, which is in another state. It doesn't make much of a difference (in my opinion) because the city where he lives is halfway between my current city and where I go to college, so it's roughly just as far away as we are now. But I haven't told him I'm leaving yet. I told him the first time we talked, really casually, in the middle of a conversation, and I never mentioned the exact date, besides, we were in a party and it was before anything happened with us, so I think he may not remember. I'm really scared of telling him, because I think it may scare him away. He may think it's too complicated or something like that. I've said that it makes no difference for me, because it's "roughly" the same distance, but to be honest, right now, we are about 50 minutes away, but college is about 70 minutes away from where he lives. And the bus ticket is twice as much. I'm willing to continue with this relationship, even if it means been tight on money, because I like him so much. It's been a long while since I've liked someone this much. I really want to make it work, I guess I could visit him on weekends and it's ok if he comes to see me at college since I live alone. I wanted to tell him in person this weekend, but I've been sick and couldn't go see him. I'm running out of time. I don't know what to do! I've been trying so hard not to rush into anything, and trying not to make all the mistakes I always make when I start a new relationship... bottom line, this is the worst timing for me, I wasn't even planning on meeting anyone right now, but now I don't want this to end! please some advice!!!

P.S. Sorry for the bad grammar, english is not my native language.

View related questions: best friend, money

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (27 July 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt I second Chigirl's opinion. I can't see that 70 minutes from 50 minutes would make such a difference for someone who is interested.. As for the added costs, ditto, it is a complication but not an epocal complication, someone who is interested would find a way to budget his money, cut other expenses toward travel costs... or simply give up quantity of the trips in favour of quality. It sounds manageable, we are not talking about a relocation from New York to LA ! , I don't think that the relative grade of difficulty added would scare off a person who is interested ( and notice I did not say " head over heels ", " crazily in love " - just normally interested and curious to see what develops ). If 20 minutes more and a few bucks more are enough to scare him off - then alas he is not interested, so better knowing it sooner than later and avoiding wasting your time.

Plus, it's not as if you have a choice, you HAVE to go back no matter what he thinks or feels, - I don't think you want to drop out of college for a new love interest of all of one month, hopefully ?- so, just tell him already and what will be will be .

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A female reader, Mistresskiki United Kingdom +, writes (27 July 2014):

He knows you are at college? I would imagine if you met through common friends that they will have said you are at college, and he would surely have an idea about dates, etc., even if it is in a detached sort of way.

Anyway - you tell him. Apologise for not mentioning it sooner, but you tell him. Outline your idea for continuing to see him, and if he cares enough to make the time and financial effort to see you while you are at college then he is worht seeing; if it is a Summer romance then enjoy the memories and move on. If he tries to pressure you into moving in/not going back to college because it would be 'easier' for him then drop him like a hot coal and move on.

If you can't physically see him, could you skype or at least telephone him to talk about it?

It was a bit daft not to have this conversation earlier but I am pretty sure he knows you will be due to return so it won't come as a shock.

Good luck!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (27 July 2014):

chigirl agony auntYou are overthinking this. My guess is, he wont care. But even if he does, so what? You have to go, and thats the final line. So just inform him, just call him. I dont think it is such a big deal.

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