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female
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anonymous
writes: I recently just broke up with my boyfriend,it was a whole mess and he cheated on me, and i gave my friend head when i was drunk and it was this whole saga.He ended it with me on saturday and im completely lost,we were together for a year but only has stuff been goign wrong in the last 2 weeks.I no im only fourteen and have my whole life ahead but i cant forget him.I feel lost.I dont want him back, it would hurt me too much.At the mo, being allowed to be his friend is amazing?What should i do?I need to get over him..
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 November 2006):
 Maybe the problem isn't "getting over him." Maybe it's deeper than that and has nothing to do with him.
If you're trying to grow up, too much, too fast, drinking too much, making poor choices and having sexual activities that mean nothing, then it points in no small way to poor self-esteem. And I think THAT'S why you're really unhappy.
Is it possible that you're doing all these things that you're clearly not emotionally ready to do because you want people to like you? Do you drink so people will think you've got everything under control? Do you get into sexual situations because you don't know how to say No Thanks? Or because you're afraid guys won't like you if you don't have sex?
And while we're at it, Did you actually write the phrase "being allowed to be his friend" without irony?
You sound like you're in over your head. I hate myself for sounding like your mum, but I can see the pain in your writing. I can see that you're hurting, but I don't think it has to do with this breakup. What I see is much more profound. Reading between the lines, I see a young woman who doesn't like herself very much, and secretly thinks no one else will either. That's why you're drinking underage. That's why you feel like you have to perform oral sex on guys you don't even like.
But, really-and-truly, that's what being 14 means. EVERYONE who's ever been fourteen has felt a need to act older, to pretend to know everything. But it's gone wrong now because you forgot you were playing a game. Now you need to stop playing at being an adult and start acting your age. By that I mean you need to stop pretending you're 22.
By wallowing in the pain of a break up and convincing yourself that you're the wronged woman who needs to drown her sorrows (all bull, by the way), you're making yourself feel worse. You need to know the truth.
Guys your age don't have the wherewithal to stick to a relationship. They rarely know what they want, beyond sexual gratification. One in a thousand might be capable of carrying on a mutually-satisfying relationship before age 16. Guys take years to reach a reasonable level of maturity, and you're expecting too much.
So don't get pulled down into that morass. Lighten up. You don't need a "relationship" at this time of your life. You need to learn to love yourself and the person you are. When you can do that, then relationships are EASY.
Enjoy your friends. Enjoy your family. Enjoy listening to music or chatting to friends, or creating something new, or whatever makes you happy. But be aware of this one thing: this relationship didn't make you happy.
Work on fixing you, and being happy with who you are, and the rest of this stuff? It disappears.
True.
-Bev
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