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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone. I'm in denial at the moment writting this, but I need help.. So here it goes. I have sexual thoughts about underage girls.. I'm 21 now, and it's been going on for probably the last 8 years. I didn't want to admit it at first, tried to hard to deny it, maybe even believe it's just a phase, but.. It's not. It's still here and I still have these thoughts. Now that I have admitted it, and i'm aware of it completely, I want help, but I have no idea who to go to, who to tell, is this cureable?Wearing the title of a "paedophile" is so degrading, and so disapointing to me.. I almost feel like i've let everyone down.It's definately affecting my social life, because I dont seem to be that interesting in girls my own age, and i've met some nice ones, but even just casual relationships don't excite me.. However, I dont ever walk down the street, and see a young girl and begin to get aroused, and I dont think i've ever had an urge to persue a young girl, or try to be sexual.. I can control that and still do my day to day stuff without trouble. It's more with trying to find someone my own age that I feel it's effecting the most.What can I do, what are my options? :(Peter Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): First of all, I will commend all of your for sharing your stories, because I commend myself for the interest I've taken in my issue, and the steps I've taken so far. I know a little bit about addictions, and keeping your thoughts in the dark is what allows shame to fester, which causes one to isolate oneself, which can easily lead to a greater fixation on the issue one is trying to avoid. Avoidance is a sure way to get worse. So on the other hand, informing, educating, asking the questions and self-understanding is the way to possibly get better. The human condition is often times 'messed up', we are not monsters unless we desire other people to suffer. And it sounds like most of us here have relatively innocent sinful thoughts :-)
Me: I am attracted to young girls. Adolescents and younger. I was highly highly sexual as a kid. From the age of 4 at least I was craving to see my peers naked, and I was masturbating extensively long before I could even ejaculate. I don't know why I was like this - probably genetic rather then conditional because I lived in a relatively healthy family environment - non-abusive FOR SURE. I have a wild amount of creative/artistic energy, and personally I see a strong connection between that and my sexual energy. But that's another topic... I am in my mid-twenties, and I just never stopped being attracted to the girls that I was lusting for in elementary school. I am also very attracted to girls my own age and a little older. I've had successful relationships, but my anxiety with women and socializing is getting more intense and I wondering if the shame of this issue has a LOT to do with it. Shame disguising itself as a host of other forms of nervousness and self-criticism.
I've see that some of you have expressed the desire for 'practical' advice, not just someone else's story. Thinking about it, writing about it, and sharing about it is a process that has just begun for me, so I don't have much to say, but I hope that together we can generate a dialogue that is effective in understanding if not ameliorating the problem. So far, I have told several people about my issue. One was my best friend who had shared with me something very private about his sexuality. He accepted me with interest, sympathy, and appreciation. Another person I shared it with ended up saying he shared the same problem, in a way. The most recent person I've told was a councillor who I felt close to. He assured me that he was not going to reject me, although I could tell he was momentarily taken aback when I told him. I've been too embarrassed and ashamed to go see him again, but I am GOING TO. I am going to trust him and delve into this subject like a scientist. If you guys want, I will share anything I learn in my explorations.
I don't know about everyone else, but one of my primary concerns with striving to understand is that I may be subconciously trying to make excuses, which may lead to a self-justified action in that direction. I've read about 'grooming', something that pedophiles conciously or unconciously do. I don't want to do that. But for instance, a lot of my fantasies are about helping young girls to discover the pleasure of sensual connection in a safe and guided way so that they can become more mature, confident sexual beings rather than the misguided, confused, asensual women that I often meet (that the porn industry seems to set the bar for). On one level I really respect this growthful, constructive mindset - reminding me of the ancient Greek teachers who would teach their young students all of the sciences, arts, and sex as well. However, I am aware that these thoughts are right in line with the type of thoughts that offenders use to justify their offence. Honestly, I feel like I need a councillor or a guide or an outside opinion to give me feedback as I delve into the confusing world of self-discovery in a very very very taboo, charged, risky subject.
Any thoughts?
I have a question for anyone who has posted here about your attraction. Has it always been there - beginning before or during puberty, or did it just happen at some point in your adult life? I read a book about pedophile offenders - and the book just covered the issue of men who 'snap' one day and become attracted. Sounds like my situation is different, that it was something frozen since a young age.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): This thread is very comforting to me. I've been finding it hard recently, so i am glad i searched for this type of thing. i suffer the same issue with liking girls i guess as low as 13. i seem to be attracted to girls in their 20s (i'm 31)in daily life and don't ever really think of girls underage. but i look at teen modelling pictures and their videos of the 13+ girls when i;m home with the internet. its up and down the amount in which i will do this, i've been feeling this load for about 13 years now, and at one point i went over a year with not looking. i fell in love with a girl around this time. i always delete any files downloaded in disgust and try to constantly understand why this has happened, i don't really see any thing in my past to cause this. it feels like a really hard puzzle and i wish it had not picked on me!i had a gf last year and the sex was not great but i do think this was an attraction issue on a normal level. so i am looking to try again with someone at some point soon and hope it can put a stop to this thing we all find hard in our lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): Incarcerate, castrate..stay far away etc is all I see when i read about help for people with our problem, and I admit it's a problem and not ok. I am attracted to underage girls as well. I am not interested in being violent, or hurting anyone. I am also attracted to girls my age..im 28 but I am much more attracted to girls ages 10-12 both older and (rarely) younger. I work around kids and have never, and will never do anything remotely innapropriate. I dont have a gf and havent for since i was 20ish, my self confidence is very low around women. I socialize with both men and women but I am unable to get the courage to ask a girl my age out. I don't have any recolection of sexual abuse when i was young, so i dont think it applies to me. When I was 10 my family moved, we had serious financial, problems and were unable to even tell close friends where we were going. I got along very well and had many friends and my first gf prior to the move. Once at my new house 1000 miles away my father passed away within 2 months and my mom was very ill on and off for the rest of my childhood. We also had serious financial burdens from that point forward. I was the 'man' of the house and took care of my Mom through her medical problems. I was also emotionaly the only support my Mom had. I wonder if im attracted to girls that age (10) because its the last time i felt truly happy before my family moved and my father passed away? My attraction is not purely sexual and many girls that i am attracted to I have known for several years and have strong (fatherlike) feelings I care very much how they are doing in school and want the very best for them. I know im not a monster, I have never acted on my feelings or pursued an innapropriate relationship with an underage girl. I would rather die than hurt someone. I have not told anyone this and dont think its possible to. I have abused alcohol trying to "self medicate" which clearly doesnt work. I wish I could just take a pill and be normal but I cant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): I commend you for coming forward with your thoughts and desires, most people keep them to themselves and can have these attractions towars young underage girls for years, which can lead to severe depression.There is nothing wrong with you for having these feelings, but it is not a thing you can talk about in public, as many people will not understand and will label you a monster.I, myself (im 44 yrs old) kept my secret attraction to young girls hidden for years and years, and ended up having an online fantasy chat with someone pretending to be a 13 yr old girl. The person I was chatting to sexually turned out to be a police officer trapping paedophiles, and to cut a long story short I ended up serving 9 months in prison, lost my job, my flat, my friends, my family, and had to move and start over again.I am not a dangerous animal, I would never even consider pursuing an actual underage girl, as that would be totally wrong, immoral, illegal and sick.The police, however, gave me the number of a help line for people who are concerned about their thoughts towards children, if i had known about this years ago, I would never have ended up in the state I got into, as they are really good, and it is totally anonymous.The help line is called STOP IT NOW, and their freephone number is 0808 1000 900If any of you are concerned about your thoughts towards young girls, then they are definitely worth talking to.Hope you find this usefulAn EX CON
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reader, ME1986  +, writes (28 December 2009):
Hi,
This post is to everyone (so far) that has replied to this thread.
I'm the original poster, and I haven't actually come across this page in a couple of years. To see all the replies, thank you so very much. You have all made me feel like i'm not a monster, but someone who just has some mixed up feeling/thoughts.
Thank you for all the words of wisdom.
I just wanted to share a bit more about myself, and let you all know how i'm doing so far in life.
To the annonymous posters who mentioned that people with thoughts like ours seem to be blacklisted, and stereotyped into child hating people that want to destroy their innocents, i agree, but i'm glad that I, and even some/most the people on this forum aren't like that. I say that because, it's the people out their actually stealing the innocents of children that deserve to rot, whereas, he WE are, wanting to find an answer..
In my original post, i never mentioned that I think my brother may of been sexually abused when we were very young. my mum told me this a long time ago.. He's an apsolute nut case now, and I really hate him for a lot of things. But, his actions seem really similar to the behaviours of other sexual abuse victims. Like, he's just out of control (11 months older than me). He hits the drugs hard, he's violent, he's.. just out of control.
I remember that we were both highly sexualized kids.. we'd talk about sex, we even had a neighbour (female) who we wanted to have sex with, and we were like 10! Maybe... Maybe I was sexually abused as a kid as well? Also, the same man who did these things to my brother, also got turned on by my cousin - who was about 10'ish when we were still fairly young.
I did end up speaking with a councellor via email at the Kidshelpline.com.au web site. It helped, although I never followed anything through. He was a good person who I emailed.
Also the fact that I felt like career wise, and financially i was doing really well. I had a very good amount of money behind me, i was interested in all the normal things any 20yo would be, like socialising, drinking with the boys, I had my head screwed on, I was succeeding in my job, and doing really well, so, I felt like my thoughts for younger girls was a bit set back.
Reading through all these posts, i feel almost inspired again, to go talk about my problem.. I mean, society might brand me as a beast, but, i'm a pretty happy go lucky guy, and, I don't care about what society says... my attitude right now is "Well, i know i have this problem, no point being a sad case about it, where do I go to correct it?!"..
A lot has changed in the last 2 years.. i feel i want to tackle it..
I am more confident in life, and I am attracted to girls my own age aswell. Maybe this whole thing had something to do with my condince as well??
TO answer the question of the guy who asked what my motive was, or why exactly turns me on about them, thanks very much for asking. It will help now that I think about it.
It's not about taking innocence - i'm not a violent guy. It's not about power because i'm not a dominating person, it's really the fact that, seeing a young girl, with a developed body, reminds me of when I was in high school, all the girls were so Toey! I think thats what it is, the fact that these young girl, 11+ are developing, feeling aroused... that's what turns me on. It's like I want to be apart of that, explore with them there sexuality.
Is that normal?? Serious question here..
NOT ALL OF US ARE MONSTERS! Some of us know we have these thoughts, just don't know how to deal with them.
It makes me wonder as well what the guys in prison, who HAVE commited such violent crimes against children are thinking... were they once like us, wanting help, but then just took the wrong path, and landed themselves in jail?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Its like lusting after a Ferrari.If you cant afford one it doesnt mean your going to nick one.
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reader, samuri yoshi  +, writes (27 December 2008):
I know how you feel Im the same as you when it comes to those feelings but you can't let that mess up your life.
Your not the only one out there who has the same problum and ill give you props for keeping yourself in check. I for one am proud of you for comming forward and talking to others about it.
I got so depressed over it that i even put my shotgun in my mouth so i could keep from hurting anyone under 10,13,ect.
You may not be that bad but if i could shake your hand i would and give you a pat on the back for takeing the next step in finding help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): Personally,
I don't see it as all that weird. I've maintained many of relationships with men far beyond me in age and I think it's a little rediculous to assume that at eighteen a young woman is suddenly mentally prepared if that wasn't already the case.
You must keep in mind the person, not the body, you're getting involved with though. There HAVE been times where I've pursued and older man for sexual purposes but that's not EVERY GIRL. that's where things may get tricky...
Good luck to you and I just hope that you do whatever you do within reason.
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reader, Beery  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Look, heterosexual men tend to be attracted to all kinds of post-pubescent women (including girls who are technically under-age). That's a fact of life - we are wired to be sexually aroused by larger hips and breasts, no matter how old the person bearing them is. Some men (like myself) are attracted to fully grown women with small breasts and a more subtly defined female shape. There's nothing illegal or wrong about any of that.
The law exists to prevent harm to children whose brain development hasn't caught up with their physical development. It doesn't mean that being attracted to underage girls is wrong - it just means that forcing under-age girls to engage in any sort of sexual act is wrong. As long as the attraction stays in your mind, and as long as it doesn't result in the potential for child abuse, you're perfectly normal. In fact, I'd argue that it would be abnormal NOT to be attracted to post-pubescent but underage girls. The trick is in keeping your sexual desires in check - not hard to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Well when I was a teenager I only even wanted sex with women over 40,now I am 40 I am strong attracted to girls 14 and over,but despite what society say's I think it's natural,nature says when girls are ready not the law,and in Britain so many gorgeous looking young women out in pubs and clubs at night are 14-18,they all look 18 and get in,but if any man had sex with a girl 1 day before her 16th birthday he's be labeled an evil predatory peadaphile that deserves to rot in hell,but peadaphiles like girls under 10,but women in this country have knowingly had sex with boys as young as 12,and society excepts it and the women don't get labeled the same way or charged,but for a man to even look at a young girl is seen as bad and can get you a bad reputation,so if you can't help your feelings get castrated or take anti psychotic drugs straight way to rid yourself of your evil feelings,I can't get sex with anyone because I'm so ugly,so am trying to find someone to castrate me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): Dear Peter,
I found your email fascinating, probably because we are all led to believe that people with these fantasies are terrible people so thanks for giving me an insight into the other side and allowing me to be less fearful/judgmental/ignorant for the future.
Really glad for you that you are aware of yourself and having the courage to look at something you feel is causing trouble in your life.
I suppose if you can try and understand exactly what it is that turns you on about it, you can better understand what is motivating you. Did you get fixated on the look of someone you had a crush on at school, or is it more general,is it innocence, is it fraility, is it a desire to corrupt, a school uniform, flawless beauty, is it you being powerful, being the one who teaches her about sex. If you know what the yen is, there may be a few, and what this means to you, what it does for you, how it would make you feel, you can better know yourself and better decide if it's something you could also get from an 'older' woman, like someone says there are older girls who will have some of the characteristics that younger girls don't.
You might find if it's something about how you think you'd feel, like powerful or whatever the yen is, you may change over time and circumstance, so to use the example, if you are feeling powerful in other areas of your life or in relationships, the pull of younger girls may fade, and if you become less so the yen may grow. And this may also help you if you are trying to understand yourself.
Good luck with it all, please don't be disgusted with yourself, be proud of the fact that you are trying to improve your life, it sounds like you have a lot to be proud about yourself, and don't be too deterred if progress is slow - sorry I wrote too much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): We're out here. I'm 22. I seriously feel alone in this because I never hear about it. I never am around girls my age with my job and friends so it is hard to focus my thoughts away from this addiction. I am searching or help online as well, stumbling across this forum has given me some hope. :)
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reader, helpisontheway +, writes (20 January 2008):
 hey there..underaged huh?lolita and all!!haha well u dint say if its like 14 year olds or 16 .well if its 16 then i think your fine..your too young to lose hope,n honestly i think everyone of us has a kink so this is yours,your not stalking anybody or raping anybody so u know what your normal..if u were 60 yeras old and had dirty imges bout a girl who was 14 then id think you were a pervert,your fine,you dont have a damn problem stop being so hard on yourself,the very fact that you want help shows that your fine and normal..look i know its hard and u probably dont know what to do with all the advice right,to be honest going to shrink is gonna make you feel terrible like you were some abnormal dude which your not..as long as you can control yourself its fine,if i were you i would hang out with older women,youll know the difference u can always later find somebody your age,or if its just the "im a virgin"look that turns you on..there are so many damn 18 year olds and girls in their 20's who look younger than they actually are..that would be a better option..but seriously YOU DONT HAVE A PROBLEM!!!cos if you dint have a kink then your not human..dont worry and stop thinking bout it..next time a thought like that enters our head think of i dont know..math or something stupid and shrug it off..its gonna be fine just be positive..im sure theres somebody there for you..write back to me if you like..
best of luck peter
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reader, helpisontheway +, writes (20 January 2008):
hey there..underaged huh?lolita and all!!haha well u dint say if its like 14 year olds or 16 .well if its 16 then i think your fine..your too young to lose hope,n honestly i think everyone of us has a kink so this is yours,your not stalking anybody or raping anybody so u know what your normal..if u were 60 yeras old and had dirty imges bout a girl who was 14 then id think you were a pervert,your fine,you dont have a damn problem stop being so hard on yourself,the very fact that you want help shows that your fine and normal..look i know its hard and u probably dont know what to do with all the advice right,to be honest going to shrink is gonna make you feel terrible like you were some abnormal dude which your not..as long as you can control yourself its fine,if i were you i would hang out with older women,youll know the difference u can always later find somebody your age,or if its just the "im a virgin"look that turns you on..there are so many damn 18 year olds and girls in their 20's who look younger than they actually are..that would be a better option..but seriously YOU DONT HAVE A PROBLEM!!!cos if you dint have a kink then your not human..dont worry and stop thinking bout it..next time a thought like that enters our head think of i dont know..math or something stupid and shrug it off..its gonna be fine just be positive..im sure theres somebody there for you..write back to me if you like..
best of luck peter
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): well, I know what you are talking about. I felt some kind of atraccion for underage girls, who are bout 14-16 years old. I'm 23 now and I can tell you, for me was just phase, some kind of unpleased fantasy back there when I was younger and I was at school.
now I like girls about my age, and even older. my actual girlfriend is 25. girls underage are just kids to me now and are not in my sexual preferences anymore.
maybe you should see a psychiatrist if it helps you out to feel better with yourself. as others say, its different a thought in your head from an actual action.
sorry for my bad english.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): I feel for you man. I really do. Unfortunately I don't have an answer for you, which is sad because I think there are more of us than what people realize. Although you didn't say what ages you're attracted to, as for myself, I am attracted to ages 10-15. Growing up, I just got "stuck" on that age. When I was 14 I was attracted to 14 year old girls like a normal boy. But I got older but my attraction remained at that age. Also, like you, I have no urge to actively molest or pursue young girls. I have enough self-control not to do that. Society thinks that anyone with our condition is an uncontrolable rapist, thanks to the exploitive media. While they are quick to condemn, they don't offer any help or available counciling. We might as well be lepers. We want help but because of the stigma we are frightened to even seek it. Thus we are forced to live a secret life. Alone with our fantasies we don't know how to change (if indeed they can be changed) and living with the guilt of being this way through no action or fault of our own. I wasn't abused as a child. I never "experimented" with young girls. I'm not addicted to kiddie porn. I'm just attracted to underage females. I hope someone can come on here and give us some real advice because our condition is real and we are looking for help; we just don't want to be condemned for looking for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): Is the innoncence of the younger girls a big part of the attraction?Remember that there are grown women older than yourself who have never had any sexual contact at all. Innocence (physical, emotional, etc) is not solely present in the young.For that matter, there are some underage girls who are downright jaded and slutty already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Hi. (Peter here)Thanks alot for your replies. The last one in particular made me feel a bit more at ease. I was in a relationship with a chick the same age as me about a year ago, and i had no intimacy problems with her at all. She turned me on, and the sex was great. And i also dind't think about girls in the lower age bracket.. Yes, i feel like society had made a paedophile a stereo-type of someone cruel and sadistic to children.. I've un-installed limewire, and any file sharing program to illiminate the urge of downloading porn (had a bit of a porn addiction for a while) and also so i can't download any child porn. Like you, friend, I'll also admit i'll never have the guts to see a psychologist or psychiatrist.. I did a fair bit of research about it, and read somewhere that one possible cause is that it's a behavioural problem, and one form of treatment for this to re-learn that people of certain ages are a no-go zone, and when one is feeling aroused, they are encouraged to redirect those feelings into something more healthy, and appropriet. I've been doing this quite a bit today, and although this is only the begining, i feel like it will help.I tried looking for some type of support group, but was unsuccessful :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Hi, I'm age 20 and have the same problem. I am utterly disgusted with myself and have tried a lot of things. However I think where we differ here is I am in a relationship with a girl now and I still get turned on by her. When I am with her, I find that my problem all but disappears. Maybe this could be a starting point for you somehow?
But as far as your problem goes... I have been forcing myself to stay away from ANY material that indulges my desires - e.g. any type of erotica etc. I am not talking about child porn here but if that has become involved, then cutting stuff like that out will probably help immensely. I know that I will never have the balls to see a psychiatrist but in your case if you cannot have a relationship with a girl of your own age then maybe this is a necessity. It isn't illegal to have thoughts like the ones you are having but you know where the line is - you CAN see somebody about it and not be put in jail or branded a paedophile.
Also, a paedophile is somebody who is attracted to people who have no reached puberty. If you are attracted to girls that are merely underage, such as 12, 13, 14 year old girls, this is not particularly bad as having thoughts about girls younger than that. I suggest you read as much material as you can and maybe try to track down any occurence in your own life that might have made you start feeling this way. Do you feel like you are growing old too quickly? Things like that can often point to some kind of trauma in your life but that might not neccessarily be the case.
Try going to Wikipedia and typing in Ephebophilia and reading up on that.
Hope everything turns out alright.
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reader, snj6106 +, writes (2 January 2008):
 First off...i wouldnt call it a problem. thinking and doing are 2 completely different things. I personally thing age is nothin but a number. Just because you like someone "underage" does not make you weird. Its society making you feel that way, with how everything has a title. let me make this easier for you. My father, just turned 59 has had huge feelings for my best friend who is 1 1/2 years older than me. Im 18. He has been feeling this way for about 6-7 years. He is inlove with her. He actually cries because he is afraid something bad might happen to her and that he would never get the chance to show her how much he cares about her and loves her. He has never made a move on her. That is where you can say, "ok...now i know age means nothing but a number" You cant control your feelings, nor should you change them for anyone! If you are happy then thats what matters. who cares what anyone might think. Dont think bad about yourself. You have no reason too. You thinking about uderage girls just means your mind will never get old and you see the fun in life. You will have experience but will know how to treat a younger girl with respect, which MANY men who are the younger girls age dont feel. You are and will be wiser than them. And by the way, Pediphile (spelled that wrong haha) doesnt fit that. thats only if you make a girl do something with you thats underage...and i mean underage like 8 years old. But that goes under the catergory of rape.
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reader, starfairy +, writes (1 January 2008):
 First of all, well done for admitting you have a problem. Sometimes people bury their heads in the sand and hope it goes away while the problem grows and escalates.
There must be support groups, counselling, something like that specifically for people who feel like you do. Spend a bit of time Googling or on Yell.com.
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