A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a fairly new member on this forum but thought I would post as there seem to be some people who talk a lot of sense when posting on here. I would be interested to hear your views on my situation.(Apologies in advance for the length of the post.)I am sure, if I was a child in this day and age, I would have been diagnosed with some sort of "ism" or other (I am in my mid 50s). Just doing a bit of research myself, I suspect I am quite high on the autism spectrum, although most people are unaware of this as I am able to keep it from others most of the time as I do realize my behaviour/tendencies can be a bit "odd". Examples of my behaviour which lead me to suspect autistic tendencies include doing the same things over and over again e.g. when I was a child and had piano lessons, and got a piece to practice at home, I would play the first few bars over and over until I was absolutely perfect at them, but not actually practice the rest of the piece much until the last minute before my lesson, when I would try to learn it. I would play with the same toy(s) all the time and read the same couple of books all the time until I knew every word off by heart. I tend to play the same 3 computer games over and over again, despite there being hundreds, if not thousands, of games out there. When driving, I read registration plates of cars I see in the phonetic alphabet. This behaviour doesn't get any better when dealing with people. I have a very low boredom threshold and, if I find someone boring, I find it very hard to disguise this fact and will go to great lengths to avoid them. The same if I don't like them for any other reason. I am definitely not a "people person". I love my own company and would quite happily spend days or weeks completely apart from the rest of the human race, with my animals (I live with a partner but we do a lot of stuff separately as we like very different things).I am also very pedantic about grammar and spelling, so much so that, despite being of foreign parentage, I am the one who is asked to proofread everything at work. (It irritates me immeasurably that these people cannot even write their own mother tongue to a passable standard when I learned English as a second language at school but have to correct their mistakes.)That's just background. On to the issue in hand.I work for a small company, where the managing director decided a few years ago that the best way to foster good relations in the company was to take staff out on regular "bonding" nights, either for a meal or doing something like bowling or go-carting. I like one or two of my colleagues, actively dislike a number of them and tolerate the rest. I lead a busy life (work full time, have horses and dogs to care for as well as a partner and a house to run) so, if I have a few spare hours, I would rather spend them with friends of my choosing than colleagues I see all day and don't even like. However, I am running out of excuses to miss these nights. I tend to go to some and miss others but my regular absences are starting to be commented on. The MD is a man who holds grudges, takes what he sees as "slights" very personally and will bring them up at regular intervals. I am very tempted to actually say something along the lines of, "Look, it's nothing personal but, as you know, I lead a busy life and, if I have a few hours spare, I would rather spend them with my OH or with friends, rather than with people I work with every day" but, while this will give me my "out", I know the MD will hold it against me. The other thing I don't like about going to company nights out is that the MD always wants to chat to everyone on an individual basis and he asks me the one same question EVERY time we go out: "So, how many horses have you got now?" like I have absolutely nothing else in my life. I lost two of my old horses in the past couple of years but I kept this quiet at work as I work with people who would not understand, who go to watch horse racing and think it is acceptable that horses die so they can have a day out and a bet, while I take in old horses nobody else wants and care for them until they need to leave this life.I just feel I have nothing in common with most of the people I work with (I really do not want to spend hours discussing designer handbags or other stuff I have zero interest in). Anyone got any coping strategies when you work with people who make you feel like you are from a different planet? And how do I get out of having to put myself through the ordeal of going on these nights out?Xmas is coming up and our Xmas do has just been booked. I am already dreading it.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (12 September 2016):
 Hi there. I certainly am in no position to diagnose you. Although you know yourself better than anyone else. If you think you may have autism than perhaps you do.
That being said, you stated "Anyone got any coping strategies when you work with people who make you feel like you are from a different planet?" From what I read here, however, it sounds like it may in fact be you who is making them feel from another planet. They just simply want to know you and hang out with you, and you want no part of them. The only things I've read from your post are about how they drive you crazy with their inability to write properly and the MD asking the same questions over again. So it sounds like it's you who makes them feel from another planet, while they are attempting to take the time to learn about you.
You don't have to like these people. No one can force you to like them. However, it unfortunately is your job and it can begin to look quite bad if you refuse to attend these events. And I would hate for you to lose a good position because you can't mesh well with others in the company. I think you should stop giving excuses and go. You said the Xmas one is booked. That's three whole months from now. That's 1/4 of a year away. I don't know how frequently you have these get togethers, but if they are only a few times a year I suggest you go.
You don't have to like it. But show up, be polite to everyone, and then say your goodbyes. I'm sure it's only for a few hours.
That's my two cents. Good luck.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 September 2016):
I'm going to present the simplest option: just...be honest.
Figure out beforehand if there are any concessions you can make that you could live with. Then, I'd go to the MD personally and have a talk. For example:
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"If you have time, I'd like to talk to you about the bonding nights. I think it's really admirable that you're putting in so much of effort into hosting them and making them fun for everyone. You've also noticed me not attending them and it's become my impression that you're disappointed by this.
So, this is the time where I'm going to take a risk and tell you something personal, because I really do appreciate your devotion to the staff. The excuses I've given are valid: I have animals to take care of that do not care if I have time or not; this is something that goes on 24/7. I also generally lead a very busy life.
However, this is not the only reason I tend to decline the invitations. The truth is that I'm in introvert by nature. And whereas an extrovert gains energy through social outings, an introvert is drained by them. An extrovert recuperates by surrounding themselves with people, with friends, whereas I do so by simply being on my own, in my own space, with my animals.
Now, if you feel it is vitally important for me to attend these nights regardless, I am going to do my best to attend a few of them, but I want you to understand where I'm coming from if I can't make it."
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If you feel that going to any of them is too big a sacrifice, you can leave the "I'll try my best" sentence out.
I wouldn't share the autism suspicions just yet, because you haven't been officially diagnosed and because I think slapping a label onto yourself could actually do more harm than it would fix.
It could be a big risk, but if he really appreciates your hard work, he'll appreciate you coming forward to him.
Just my two cents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2016): I find your question very relatable and to be honest I don't think you should have to explain yourself if you don't fancy these outings. What you want to say to your boss seems fine to me and if honesty is held against you then maybe that's not such a great workplace. Your personal/social life do not have to mix with business. I have a horse myself and especially with non horsey people I find that a great excuse- I have to leave to do x, y and z with my horse. No one questions it. If it was me I would attend the xmas thing out of politeness then make my excuses and leave early. You made the effort then so you should be covered not to keep going to other random outings.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 September 2016):
 Of course, his wife doesn't like it, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to do it. It's manipulation in a base form. She is trying to get you to do what SHE deems is the "right" thing by making you feel bad.
That doesn't MEAN she is right.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2016):
 I think it's simply a matter of choosing your priorities. I am afraid you cannot have it both ways: you want to be free to always do your own thing and only indulge your preferences and quirks ( understandable, who would not want to do that ) - but at the same time you want that your " declaration of independence " should not raise questions, curiosity and hurt feelings.
Eh that's a bit of a tall order. You know that your MD cares about these events and puts a prize on a social atmosphere on the job and good relationship among colleagues. That's important to HIM- and while you have all the rights to not make it important to YOU, and to not care about contributing to a friendly atmosphere , once you have performed your job satisfactorily as you always do...you can't really expect that he or his wife are elated seeing that basically you are pooh-poohing on their effort.
In other words, pooh-pooh as much as you like, because technically you are absolutely right, dinners and shindigs are not part of your job description : but, pooh -pooh at your risk and peril in terms of social acceptance and the more or less positive opinion they will have about you.
It's a bit like, let's say you were a person who privileges dressing comfortably at all times, and does not want to fuss with her appearance. So, you go shopping in your P.J. and slippers. Of course you can do it, it's your right. But you should not be surprised you get curious stares, or smirks.
The social and cultural norm is different, and you are breaking it, and that may draw attention on you, and not always it will be benevolent and positive.
Ditto for your office. You don't play by the rules, and you don't have to !, since this is after office hours. . But , realistically, don't expect them to thank you for snobbing them and shunning them.
I think you need to choose what's the lesser evil- whether to be bored to tears at social events , or being possibly thought of as "not a good team player " or" the one that does not fit in". Btw, both seem to me very bearable crosses to bear , tbh :)just pick yours.
If you want to know technically how to get out of these shindigs, easy : read " Bartleby the scrivener " and take inspiration from him )
Your version of " I would prefer not to " can be " sorry, previous committments ". Be adamant and consistent, and I think anybody eventually would get the hint and stop inviting you.
Then again, as Honeypie suggests, what about tryng for a middle way ? Say, attending one event and skipping the next one . Or attending the big ones ( Xmas party ) and skipping the minor ones.
You will be bored a few nights in the year ? So be it !. I am sure that you are not under the impression that life is all fun and games, and that the Universe owes us to keep us always entertained ?
There's a lot of things that I find boring and I'll do them anyway , because there's some sort of pay off. I find boring washing and drying my hair, but I do it because I like having clean, shiny hair. Having your teeth cleaned at the dentist is boring, but it's good for your dental health. Washing dishes is boring, but you get to eat on clean dishes.... and so on and so forth.
In this case you would pay with a few hours of boredom the chance of establishing yourself as someone who is reserved but civil and easygoing, as opposed to downright hostile.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2016): Sounds exactly like the sort of company i used to work for.I wasnt interested in my snobby colleagues and their bitchiness and the MD was way too personal and asked too many questions for my liking. As i was labelled an "outcast" as i didnt have any of them on facebook or go out with them, i was badly bullied by management and eventually i found a new job and left. Im only 24 but these people were immature and cringeworthy .... You may find that its just the job and the workplace atmosphere making you feel this way. A fresh change in a new workplace worked wonders for me, i feel like ive made many friends , i am more popular and enjoy going to work and socialising. Sometimes in small companies people get too personal and expect too much. The MD once pulled me up because he saw a text message on my phone screen!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBig "thank you" to two of my fave aunties for your replies. Both helpful.
I have worked for this company for many years and am often referred to by the MD as one of the people he could not do without (I can help out in most departments) yet he and his wife, who also works in the company, get a real downer on me for not regularly attending the nights out. His wife has even commented that she does not like all the things they organise but she "has the manners" to attend regardless (meaning I don't).
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 September 2016):
 Just continue to use the same excuse. Over and over again. It will become apparent if it’s not already to your MD and your colleagues that you aren’t into socializing in the same way.
Or say this: “I appreciate your efforts to foster a positive workplace. While I can appreciate the value of ‘bonding’ nights, alas, for my schedule and my lifestyle, it’s just not feasible.
“From my perspective, a positive workplace will accept and be tolerant of those of us who cannot participate in these ‘bonding’ nights.
“I trust my contributions to the company and its goals speak to my commitment to the company and its people.”
Here’s an online assessment test I found after reading “The Rosie Project.” http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
If the MD requires attendance at ‘bonding’ nights then perhaps you are not in the right workplace, or the company needs some sensitivity training.
The answer to your situation may be as simple as telling the truth about your level of comfort and the ‘ism’ thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 September 2016):
All I would do is say, I'm sorry I have other plans. It's REALLY none of their business what you do in your spare time - it is YOUR spare time.
As for Christmas? I'd show up if there is a dinner and leave once you have had enough of socializing.
I get that they want people to get along and socialize, but it's NOT really part of your job and you shouldn't feel obligated.
In the military, they call it being "volun-told" and "mandatory "fun-day"... But the difference between military and civilian is that while serving... the military "owns" you.. in the civilian life your company doesn't have ANY rights to your "off time". In the military, your LIFE can depend on those other soldiers not only in YOUR unit but any unit.
I'm NOT a highly social person. I can get on MUCH better not having to see people I don't want to be around, and... there are a lot of those in my in-laws. Sometimes I go to family shindigs, sometimes I don't. I have however never worked anywhere where I didn't get along with most of my co-workers and I did do things outside of work with them. However, it wasn't a priority over family, friends, sports events etc.
YOU have to find a happy medium. With that I mean partake when you feel you have to energy, time and willingness to do so and GIVE yourself the right to beg off when you don't FEEL like it.
I think more than anything you are an introvert which might be why these "unwilling" outings is a drain for you, energy wise and emotionally. There are MANY things in life we HAVE to do whether we like it or not. It's part of the "human experience". Socializing is one of those. Work is one. Pay taxes, take out the trash.. etc. However, when it comes to socializing there are NO rules set in stone that you HAVE to go out with the co-workers every time you are asked or there is a night out for employees. You DO NOT OWE anyone that.
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