A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Well, to start off, I am a twenty-three-year-old gay male with an extreme amount of insecurity about my appearance when compared to others. I have an anxiety disorder (mainly social anxiety), and quiet, shy, reserved, do not like big parties, and feel unattractive on a daily basis. My nineteen-year-old boyfriend is the exact opposite. He's extremely confident, outgoing, very friendly, "gorgeous" according to everyone he meets, gets phone numbers on a daily basis, has perfect skin, hair, etc. He's what you might call a "pretty boy." Well, we've been together for almost a year, and I feel completely invisible when we go out together. Girls hit on him constantly, and he openly engages in flirtation though he knows it bothers me. I feel threatened. Yet, his exact words were, "I'm just affectionate with my friends that are girls. And I'm a flirtatious person. If you have a problem with that, then it's your problem, not mine." I do not trust him because he asked my permission last October if he could have sex with an ex-girlfriend that was going to be in town for a few days. I of course said, duh, that's a negative. He did it anyway. I found the open condom wrapper on my living room table. I forgave him after some time, but he still brags when girls flirt with him or say (and I quote) "You are GORGEOUS. Wanna have sex?" I, of course, am standing right beside him being ignored by whatever girl is falling in love with him. I am completely invisible.I have never been in a relationship in which girls were threats. I have never been cheated on until he came along, and, like I said, with a girl. I cannot compete with a girl. In addition, he being the exact opposite of me, he has no issues with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or confidence. And he's extremely vain about his looks. He brings out every single insecurity of my own, and it's crippling. However, I love him though he makes me miserable sometimes. I'm not sure if he's with me because he knows I'm weak and easily-manipulated or what. But I hate feeling jealous and envious of him, even though I admitted I felt that way to his face. How can I make him understand a way he's never felt, you know? I don't know what to do. I just know I hate hating myself because I can never experience what he experiences, and I feel just as superficial for wanting that as he is vain.What do I need to do to help myself without pushing him away because of my insecurities/anxiety/depression/low self-esteem issues?
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condom, confidence, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, jealous, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Dump him.
He's not going to stop behaving like that and hurting you. He's not going to help you with your social anxiety problems, but rather make them worse. I think you're still pining to a one-sided relationship because you're too afraid of being alone, but here's a tip: being single is not such a bad thing! Breaking up with him will be hard, but also positive for both parties: you'll feel stronger and more confident because you got to stand up for yourself and make yourself be heard; and he'll realize that not everyone is going to be his pet and with a bit of luck it will decrease his massive ego.
There's somebody out there who will love you and help you overcome your fears, but you won't have a chance of meeting that person while you're too busy suffering because of this guy.
A
female
reader, tmariee +, writes (24 July 2010):
he shouldnt be treating u tht way to begin with! he cheated on u thts terrible my advice..move on find someone willing to treat u how u should be treated
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A
male
reader, jp21 +, writes (21 July 2010):
 I am a gay guy, i also openly flirt with everyone too like ur bf. I just do it. even when i was dating some one i would still flirt as i normally do. Some times i can be super shy too. with huge crouds. example :best thing to do is first find 2 ppl and talk to them for a while. Get to know them, say "hi", "my names jasper, do you mind if i hang out with you guys for a while i dont really know any one here and i feel out of place." Talk to them for a while or if they like to talk just listen, then when more ppl show up, friends of theres, say "i have to go and talk to some of my other friends, sorry ttyl bye." get there numbers so you can invite them for some coffee, your treet. your looks, "oh no am i uglly." no your not, you have to be cute to be going out with a hot guy that girls want and other guys want too. Your bf is attracted to you. look at how he looks at you, so softly saying i love you, with his eyes.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 Hi. I would suggest researching Narcissism. It sounds as if your bf may have issues in that area. If he does, it will be having a negative effect on you. Narcissists seek attention and adoration. They dont need therapy because they are "perfect". But those closest to them often end up needing it. Find out what his problem is and it will help you to understand and work on yours. All the best x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): He should not be doing that if he is with you, a relationship should not have bragging about others hitting on him. Id drop this guy if he is player and is out for attention. Plus he knows it bothers you thats not right and I think you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (19 July 2010):
I agree with raiders on this one. You may love him, but even if he does care about you he doesn't show it. If he cared about you he wouldn't have even considered having sex with his ex. On top of that he knew that you would find the condom wrapper on your table. He wanted you to find it. No one is stupid enough to just leave those things in a place like that and not want to be caught. To be perfectly honest he sounds like a tool. Also if he cared about you he wouldn't do all these things that he knows bothers you. You may see all these great things in him, but by the sounds of things you are a much better person than he is.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (19 July 2010):
 First of all I think you should go to a neurotic support group where they will help you, hear you out, and offer advise on how to deal with everyday situation.
If you already have low self esteem beleive me when I tell you that your partner behavior is not helpful. If he truly cared for you, than he would stop flirting since he knows it bothers you and makes you feel bad.
I don't think its you pushing him away, I just think that he does all this things because he knows he can get away with it. Your partner is the one with the problem, even if you have insecurities him flirting infront of you does not make it any better.
Work on your issues, learn how to value yourself, and drop the zero. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (19 July 2010):
Well for starters you can't be that bad looking or he wouldn't be still with you.
But more important - you have to accept that there is nothing you can do to stop him having sex with girls on the side.
All you can do is decide whether that is a deal breaker as far as you are concerned. If it is then split up. A period of celibacy while you reflect on other relationship possibilities might be no bad thing.
Another option would be to reciprocate his behaviour by looking for sex on the side thru internet dating etc if that appeals to you.
But is there anything you can do to make himfaithful to you exclusively ? No - so deal with it; regard it as useful experience and move on.
Above all you need to deal with your lack of assertiveness and self confidence. I'm sure there are self help groups or counsellors in you area for that - and if not then search online for a good community.
I actually think this is a more important issue for you to address than your bf's desire to spread his seed....
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