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I have issues with my girlfriend's past

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 April 2013) 10 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2013)
A male Hong Kong age 26-29, *hehunter writes:

Ladies, Kindly please help.

I am a Virgin, She had 2 past relations.

Just recently, my girlfriend told me about her past two relations:

1) She never planned to marry them nor was serious with them. It was just for fun.

2) Initially, she had thought of marrying some rich old guy. So she just had random relations and sex.

3) She said she never wanted sex with them but being gf/bf she thought sex needed to happen. so she had sex.

4) She keeps saying to me since we have been together her view on love has changed and I am the only one. She says to me "you are special" and she never ever dreamed she would get a guy like me. She loves me and can do anything for me.

I really do want to marry her but her past makes me sick and makes me doubt her character. I love her but hate her for her past.

kindly please suggest me what to do.

Is she worth it all? Is she trustworthy? Am I making a wise decision? Am I being manipulated? Ladies,Please post your views on her.

Gents, Please help me make a wise decision because the last thing I want to do is regret and feeling like a Last Option.

View related questions: her past

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013):

it’s such a painful thing...I know...even for us who have messed around with tons of gals in the past, when that special somebody appears and she is broken, you feel darned cheated. one thing is for sure though, you only get to worry about a girl's past when you love her soo much you want to settle down with her.

I am in love with this amazing girl. She is so sweet and through-through a darling. But before me, she had two guys. The first just broke her virginity, had sex with her a couple of times and then dumped her like a used toilet paper. The second dated her for 1 and a half years, impregnated her without telling her he had a wife. She had to abort the baby when she found out.

Fast forward to meeting me... I realized she was lactating when we first made love... then she did not want to tell me about the abortion but had no choice because I pressed.

Now that I know the truth. I love her enough to want to settle down with her but the thought that she was with someone else before me just hurts me.

Someone posted somewhere that probably cheating on such a girl will help ease the pain; I tell you that's a big lie. Such pains are harder on people who have been playas before than regular normal guys.

Before I met my woman, I had fooled around with about 8 girls. Just like the previous 8, I initially didn't care a bit about her past when I first met her because I only intended to have sex with her and go my way. But then I somehow stayed and fell in love with her.

Now, anytime I think about the future, in which she is always present with me, a sharp pain pierces my heart. SOMEBODY F^^^^D MY WIFE BEFORE ME!...the guy who took away her virginity did not give a care about her... he just F^^^^D her and went his way. She, who is MY WORLD, meant nothing to him! He USED her and DUMPED her.

I feel so sick and sad...aside from her past, she is an angel. I try very hard to walk away, but I just come back...I would be hurting her if I walked away, and the last thing I want to do is hurt her...but my ambivalence is more painful. The pain is too much!

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (2 April 2013):

Yos agony auntHer story is very normal for a woman. There's nothing in your story that should make you doubt she'd make a good long term partner.

Since this is making you sick: if you want to stay with her then you need to find a way to stop thinking about her past. If don't want to stay with her because of this, then don't! Either is fine. Just don't stay with her if you're not willing to let her past go, otherwise it'll just create pain for you both.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013):

female anon said:

"Her reasons for having sex with her ex's sound perfectly reasonable. Surely you would feel worse if she had planned to marry them!!"

Um, no, he would probably feel much better if she had been planning on marrying them at the time. At least that way she would have been living by the same values that the OP has. It seems that sex is pretty much meaningless to her.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (1 April 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntif her past makes you sick, then do her a favor and let her find a guy who can cope with it.

I don't see anything wrong with her past.

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A male reader, clueless in colorado United States +, writes (1 April 2013):

It sounds to me like you love this woman. The thought of her being with another man makes you literally sick. That's a sure sign. However I would caution you, (and others in here) if you can't get that image our of your mind when you're with her, the issue is not hers, but yours. You will need to get to the root of this, because if not, it will plague your relationships for the rest of your life. There's nothing wrong with a person having a few relationships under their belt. ( no pun intended) You will need to be ok with the fact that this girl existed and had a life prior to your meeting. Don't worry, if the love is strong, you'll be ok.

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A male reader, foray China +, writes (1 April 2013):

If I were you, being a virgin or not is not any concern.

Do you love her?

Do you want to make love to her?

Will you enjoy being with her?

Does she make you laugh, happy ?

My wife had few past relation before, so that was the past.Period.

I have had many past and also current relationship.

Does that make me a bad person?

As long as I do not bring trouble back home I think I am there.

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A female reader, R1 United Kingdom +, writes (1 April 2013):

R1 agony auntHer reasons for having sex with her ex's sound perfectly reasonable. Surely you would feel worse if she had planned to marry them!! Most people have lost their virginity by the age of 21 so it is there a reason why you haven't? You question why she has when she has had a normal past.

You like her, she likes you, what the hell are you worried about lol!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013):

She tells you how special you are and how much you mean to her which is big.

It sounds like she was just lost before. USA girls have been known to do a lot worse so you have nothing to worry about. As for her not being a virgin well that's all about whether that's a deal breaker for you.

Put yourself in her shoes and think about how much she trusts you to tell you about her past like that and how scared she must've been to even tell you in the first place.

She did the right thing by telling you.

She seems like she's trying to move on and start new. And if you're being manipulated well I don't think so but does she ask a lot from you like expensive gifts? She may just be someone who's a little flashy and all you have to do is not buy anymore and see if she leaves. And I'm waiting till marriage to have sex and if you feel so strongly about her past maybe you want to try that to so you know shes right for you.

I wish you luck and that she's a good girl for you. Sincerely Your-BeenThereBefore

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (1 April 2013):

llifton agony auntperhaps it's a cultural thing - i'm not sure - but damn man, she's only been with two other guys! that's nothing. i don't think i understand what the problem is here.

she doesn't sound untrustworthy, manipulative or anything else you mentioned. she sounds to me like a normal person just like everyone else.

to be quite honest, a lot of women i know have been with tons and tons more men than her before they finally settled down. chalk it up to experience and now they know what they want.

you can look at this however you choose, but from my perspective, i see no issue here at all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013):

I hate to say this, but...I was virgin (I'm a 22-year old F) and my boyfriend wasn't. We dated for a year, I loved him, but I recently broke up with him because I couldn't get over it. I know I did the right thing...how could I marry someone if I thought about him having sex with his exes all the time!?

I know it's possible to get over, because I know some people have, but it wasn't working for me. Now I just wished I had saved myself for someone who was also a virgin.

Please figure it out now, before you sleep with her. Talk to her about it...and maybe a counselor too?

ps. don't doubt her character, or think less of her. it's part of who she is, but it's also in the past. don't hold it against her. but if you can't handle, you should move on.

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