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I have chlamydia. How do I tell my boyfriend?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Friends, Pregnancy, Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 March 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 23 December 2009)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I feel physically ill right now, I just had a medication abortion last week. I got pregnant by my boyfriend of 3 years and we knew we couldn't support a baby.

I was off of birth control for only one month when I got pregnant. While I was at Planned Parenthood they did a routine STI check and they just called me and told me I had chlamydia.

My boyfriend and I broke up last april because he started smoking a lot of pot and he did acid behind my back. He stopped hanging out with me and would tell me he would come over at a certain time but never come because he was too busy doing drugs.

I told him if he didn't stop doing what he was doing I couldn't be with him anymore, and he decided we should just break up. We are back together now obviously and he doesn't do that stuff anymore and he's completely honest with me.

During the time we were broken up (a little over a month) I was so so so sad and I am an idiot and I started dating another guy I barely knew that I met at work. We had sex 2 or 3 times, unprotected. I either got the chlamydia from this guy or from my boyfriend if he had sex with another girl while we were broken up, which he swears he didn't.

I didn't tell my boyfriend I had sex with this guy, once again because I'm an idiot and because this guy was half black and my boyfriend told me if he found out I ever had sex with a black guy he would never speak to me again.. he knew I dated this guy and that's why he said it but I know he's serious. My boyfriend is Puerto Rican and really does not like black people,

I try to tell him it's not a big deal but whatever, that's not the point right now. He even said if it was any other guy but a black guy I had sex with he wouldn't care as much, but a black guy he wouldn't ever have respect for me.

But now I have to tell my boyfriend I have chlamydia and most likely gave it to him too so he's going to have to get tested.

I am hysterical crying while I write this because our relationship has become so good ever since we got back together we talked about getting married and evertyhing. I am terrified I'm going to lose him forever even though I know it's my own fault.

How should I tell him? He has hurt me so many times but I feel like I should have come clean about this a long time ago and the fact that he hurt me doesn't justify this. My chlamydia will be gone in a week I only need to take 2 pills but if I don't tell him he has it too I'll just get it again anyway.

I love him more than I even love myself, I don't know what to do...

View related questions: abortion, at work, broke up, drugs, got back together, sex with another

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A female reader, therapist United Kingdom +, writes (23 December 2009): him you want both of you to go to the clinic just to be healthy.

2nd tel him you slept with someone else it shouldnt matter black white asian.

3rd how can you be with a racist person that means you agree with his views.4th Love yourself he's just a boy

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A female reader, Nikitamarya United States +, writes (26 April 2009):

First let me say that you shouldn't love him more than you love yourself. This gets you into a lot of trouble and I have been there and done that. If he really cared for you, he would do whatever he could for you and be there for you. I had to learn this the hard way and I am still struggling with it. As I still love the man whom I just broke up with even though I just found out some bad news.

Be honest. I have learned that many people aren't honest about whether or not they have an STD. I just went to the doctor on Friday and when I told the doctors and nurses why I was there, they immediately stated that it was good of my boyfriend to tell me that (even though it wasn't something I wanted to hear) he had contracted chlamydia. He just came out and told me the truth. He said, "Remember when we had that little spat and we didn't talk to each other? I slept with someone else." I then asked him, "And you got her pregnant?" He said, "noooo". He then went on to say that he had chlamydia.

So you are going to have to hold your breathe, call him up and tell him. I think it may be best for you to tell him over the phone because from what I'm hearing he may hurt you if you tell him in person. You are going to have to be honest with him concerning this particular issue because if he does indeed have it, he can infect others and those others can infect others and it goes on and on from there. Plus when we as women contract this STD we risk our chances of ever having a child and remember we are asymptomatic to the disease (even the men are) which is why it is called the "silent killer". You may or may not want to get into the specifics like my "x" did, but he has a right to know just in case you infected him or he infected you. That's my opinion. "Good Luck"

You can always forgive and forget. I think me and my "x" learned alot from this situation. I told him, if he had just stuck with me, that what happened would have never happened. He's never been through anything like this before. An "x-girlfriend" of his came over to use his computer (they dated a few years back he said) and he messed up. He knows he was wrong and that he should have never done that and I quote from his mouth, "I messed up, I slept with someone whom I shouldn't have never slept with and not only did that hurt me, it also hurt you". So we both have learned a lesson especially him. So think of all of this as a learning experience. "Wear condoms, stay faithful, or better yet abstain and wait until you're married. You don't want to risk your life. In the end its not worth it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009):

Whilst its true that well-intended advice may not always be what the poster wants to hear -and that the poster shouldn't be aggressive in responce to a aunt who is genuinely trying to help, I think that the terms 'entitled' and 'right' are strange terms to use in this context.

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A female reader, kaylagal United States +, writes (11 March 2009):

kaylagal agony auntI totally agree with satindesire. Why did you ask for advice and then you get defensive and start bashing people who are only trying to help - seeing as you asked for it.

All the advice was given based on information you gave. You sound like you're in DENIAL and can't take the truth. If all is well, then good for you but in the future don't ask for advice then attack those giving it to you.

Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No, the most he'd ever done with a girl was kiss them. And he was in 8th grade at the time and so was she, it's possible he got chlamydia from her by kissing her but I realllllly doubt it.

If you read my last response you would know I already told him, and I don't see how we're incompatible at all?? Really, maybe you should reread every response I've posted because we actually are very compatible. Please refrain from giving me detrimental advice, thanks.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I do want to clarify that my boyfriend isn't a bad person at all, and it's just as bad for you to judge him that way as it is for him to judge black people, please remember that. The things he has done weren't really justified but I understand why he did them. He isn't a womanizer that could have given me this infection b/c he slept around, in fact he was a virgen when we met which is why he would know that it was ME who gave HIM the infection. He has respect for women, and he lets me be who I want to be. I told him I don't agree with his racism and we've been in arguements over it before. He experienced racism from black people and I believe that's why he feels that way towards them, whatever, that wasn't the point.

And I also know the world doesn't revolve around him but I love him and care about him so obviously I am upset that I've given him an STI when he was a virgen when we met and I'm sure he NEVER would have thought he would get one from me. He has had a hard life and I feel terrible for making it harder.

Our relationship isn't bad anymore, and looking back I think he said those things about my ex that was half black because he was hurt that I "moved on" so fast after we broke up.. which isn't true at all because I still wanted him back and I didn't take him back without some preconditions. He was probably jealous that I found another guy. He does have feelings you know, I feel I should defend him because he would defend me.

But I've already told him, I just told him that I may have gotten it from one of my previous partners before we met and he took it very well actually, so I guess this little white lie won't hurt us. I know it's dishonest but it's saving us both heartache..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009):

Just be honest with him, explain it to him like to you explained it on this page. There is no way around it. I'm not sure if you should tell him the guy is black, or maybe you should.

He is a racist and he is Puerto Rican, wow - that's funny.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009):

Hey girl. Hmmmmm, you should def tell your boyfriend about the chlamydia. I mean after all, even though you could have gotten it from the guy you had a fling with... your boyfriend seems far from perfect and may have contracted this infection from another girl... and if this is the case he should find out if the other girl (if she exists) gets checked out.

Ok honey, you've been through a roller coaster. I can def relate... i've dated guys like this before....

It's not cool that he can tell you who you can or cannot date or have sex with. Dont you have your own morals or beliefs?

I mean he is not squeaky clean, he takes or used to take drugs, he's a racist....that's disgusting and so ignorant.

Tell me, is that what you believe in?

You dont strike me as a racist person, you obviously had nothing against the half black person you slept with, so just like he threatens you about being with a black person why dont you stand up to him and tell him that you dont agree with what he says and you dont want him talking to you that way.

Anyway, sort your body out angel, use protection, but dont be with someone who doesnt allow you to be yourself... dont lose yourself, and please don't put him before yourself.... please be a bit more selfish...

the world doesnt revolve around him...

if its puerto ricans you like... there are many puerto ricans out there who respect themselves and respect their woman and respect other races... you dont need to settle for this one....

At the end of the day... its your relationship and i dont know what special moments you share with your boyfriend... but please dont let him bully you... stand your own!!

Good luck!!!

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (11 March 2009):

k_c100 agony auntFirst things first you have to tell him, he needs to get treated and if he doesnt, he will only end up passing it back to you if you sleep together again.

You shouldnt feel bad that you slept with that other guy whilst you were broken up, yes it was silly to not use contraception but I'm sure you have learnt your lesson now! But you must remember you were single at the time, and lonely. Your boyfriend had hurt you by doing drugs behind your back, he cannot get mad at you for sleeping with someone else when he was behaving like that.

I'm guessing that there must be some culture thing going on if you mention he is Puerto Rican (do all Puerto Rican's not like black people?!)? Or is it just that he is racist? If you are in a good phase in your relationship right now and want to continue it then just dont tell your boyfriend that it was someone that was "half black" as you say. Tell him it was a guy from work, thats all he needs to know. And if he gets mad, well tell him that you have forgiven him for hurting you and doing drugs behind your back, therefore if he cannot forgive you then he is not the man you thought he was.

Explain to him that you only slept with this guy because you were so hurt by the break-up, that you never cheated on him at all. And explain there is no way of telling whether the chlamydia came from this guy or your boyfriend - that way he will have to come clean if he did cheat on you.

If your boyfriend really loves you and is a good guy deep down then he will be able to get past this; it was something that happened whilst you werent together. technically he cannot be angry about it. While I dont believe in lying, sometimes it is ok to omit parts of the truth i.e. not mentioning the part about this guy being black wont do any harm.

If your boyfriend wont forgive you for this well then you are better off without him. Only a complete jerk would leave their girlfriend who has just had an abortion over something so small and insignificant as this.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well the reason he did all of those drugs was because he was molested a lot as a child and he was extremely depressed and they helped him forget. My "awesome" brother was the one who got him into them, go figure. To be honest he has black friends, I think it comes from him living in a neighborhood with mostly black people and he got beat up a lot when he moved to that neighborhood because he's Puerto Rican or something, he lives in a pretty bad neighborhood and you know the politics of that kind of stuff. I'm not justifying his racism, I'm just saying it's not like he walks around with a KKK hood on or anything like that.

We've been through why he did the drugs he did and why he did what he did and it actually made our relationship stronger, even though if I could go back and change what he did I would. He told me about how he was molested the day he came to me and told me he wanted to be with me again and would do anything for me and how sorry he was for what happened between us. I am the only person he's ever told and I think I helped him get a lot off his chest when we talked about it.

I am telling him about it no doubt about that, I was just wondering maybe if you think he was exagerrating when he said he would never talk to me agian, do you think maybe since I took him back after everything he's done to me he would show me the same courtesy? Or should I prepare to be alone again?

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A male reader, ArmyMedic United Kingdom +, writes (11 March 2009):

ArmyMedic agony auntJust be up front with him, even though he is a racist scum bag, shame it's only chlamydia you could have given him!

You really must tell him otherwise his going to go round infecting lots and lots of other girls!

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