A
male
age
41-50,
Tormented Soul
writes:Hi, I'm in a mess. I'm 46, have always wanted to be a father. My wife is 40, we've been married for 8 years and so said she wasn't too fussed about having children. I thought she'd come round and become maternal as the years went on, but looks like I was mistaken. The bedroom has become barren and we've not had sex in 15 months. My wife is inhibited about sex and such matters so it's so difficult to talk about the subject. I strayed last year when I met my 'first love' again, but that has fallen through despite a genuine promise to leave my wife and being happy to support my 'first loves' children. I find myself as being 'lost' and with no direction. I'm totally depressed and listlessI feel I'm close to self destructing, I feel frightened to leave me wife as she is caring in most other ways but I sense there has to be something else. This sounds like classic mid-life crisis I know. I've low self esteem, feel unattractive to women as I've lost much of my hair, yet I'm slim, athletic and I've been told I possess a good sense of humour and personality. I feel completely at odds with everything, I just don't know where I should go or where to. I'm not a bad person, I care but I need some advice before I just descend into total misery.
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female
reader, dearkelja  + ♥, writes (7 March 2008):
 No sex in 15 months and you want children and she doesn't. You need to both decide what you want in this marriage. Maybe if she doesn't want to have sex would adopting be an option? If not then could you convince her to be artificially inseminated if she is set agains sex?
If it is more than wanting a family and the sex is an issue, it really needs to be worked out. This lack of intimacy is only good if it works for both partners. It sounds like it is an issue for you.
You have a decision to make but you owe your wife a last attempt to try and work things out. Maybe if she knows how important this is for you she will work with you. After all you said she was caring in other ways.
A
male
reader, Tormented Soul +, writes (6 March 2008):
Tormented Soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou O Connor for your reply, much appreciated. So many good people on this site and you're one of them.
I noticed a typo when I saw the question,
"we've been married for 8 years, she did say she wasn't fussed about having children but I thought she'd come round and become more maternal, but looks like I was mistaken."
I'm a real mess here, I mean if I left my wife then I'd have to find someone else and settle down then have children, I could be nearly 50! I feel such an idiot and I wonder who really understands me at times.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  + ♥, writes (6 March 2008):
 wow - well children are such a desire for most ppl and when that doesnt happen on both sides of the marriage, it is natural for you to feel this way. while in one way it may seem a bit extreme to leave your wife over this - in another way it is not. and im going with the latter! the fact that you strayed and found a woman who shared the same wants as you shows you how much you really do want this life - no mid life crisis - just paternal instincts kicking in! i think that you should talk to your wife and tell her that you just dont share the same wants and you really do want to have a family before its too late - and while you do care for her and love her, you want the chance to fulfill that desire. there is no point in you staying together if you dont share the same goals in life, and you are probably going to resent her in the future wen you realise that wat could have been has passed you by. i know it may be hard and is easier said than done, but at the end of the day - everyone has a right to want a family!! i hope this helps, email me if you want more help or just wanna talk, hope everything works out for you, good luck xxx
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