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I have a very big problem with men who have a history of one-night stands. Am I giving myself no hope of finding love?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 October 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi, I’m 23 and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I hope it’s just a matter of not meeting the right person, but I’m beginning to worry that I’ll never meet anyone.

Because of my family and religion, I have very strong values. I like the idea of being with only one person, who I can love, trust and commit to. There are some things I think I could compromise on, but I’ve found that I have a very big problem with men who have a history of one-night stands.

One-night stands have become a deal-breaker for me. I get why people do it but it’s something I personally would never do, so I struggle to see past it. I think sex should take place between two people who love each other. One-night stands seem cheap, and I see men who’ve had many as weak, disrespectful and untrustworthy. It also makes me feel very insecure about myself and the person in question. Surely anyone who has had so many different partners will struggle to commit and be loyal in a relationship?

I just find that I’m in the minority with this opinion, and I worry that I’m jeopardizing my chances of meeting anyone. I meet men who seem lovely but then I find out that he’s slept with her, and her, and her. It’s so off-putting; I find myself writing men off before I’ve barely given them a chance. Then I feel cynical, naïve and stupid. I worry that I’ll end up alone and lonely.

I hope I don’t come across as narrow-minded or unfair, I would just like to know whether I’m being unrealistic. Am I giving myself no hope of finding love?

View related questions: cheap, insecure

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015):

I have to laugh when people complain about being "judged" for sleeping around. Sleeping around is a deeply personal behavior that is involved in mental and physical health issues. And it is done TOTALLY by choice.

Those same people complaining about being judged have usually never hesitated to cross someone off for the most superficial and/or uncontrollable things about a person. Their height, attractiveness, age, race, background, etc.

I think someone's track record of behavior with their own body is one of the most appropriate and smart things you possibly could judge someone for.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015):

Dear Miss Minority,

You are indeed in the minority, but that does not mean you are wrong. You are to be commended for sticking to what you believe in.

You are very fortunate that your religion and family have given you the knowledge and values that you have regarding sex and relationships. But the point that you may not understand or be aware of, is that the majority of men and women today have not received this basic education on sexuality and relationship building. How can they if they do not go to church or if they do not learn it from their parents? If they watch television, they are subjected to a steady stream of highly inappropriate sexual behavior and they perceive that as normal acceptable behavior. Consequently many men and women today are proceeding into sex and relationships with very little or no understanding of the appropriateness or potential consequences what they are doing. So you must take this fact into consideration in your thinking – a great many of them are simply uneducated.

Knowing this, possibly a male having a one-night-stand with a willing female could be forgiven – he just didn’t know it was not appropriate. However it would be a different story if the male pressured the female into sex or coerced her with promises of love and commitment when he had no intention of following through. Or if the male bragged or simply even told other people that he had slept with a certain women. Or if a man or a women breaks confidence with their friends and freely gossips about who slept with whom. Indeed these would be signs of disrespectful and untrustworthy people.

Perhaps you can see where I am going here. If you meet a man who may have had a one-night stand but otherwise seems to be (in your terms) “lovely”, then I do not think you should immediately write him off as irredeemable. If you start by being a friend and slowly build a relationship with him, you may find that he is very loving and respectful and eventually willing to make a commitment to you. It would be up to you to set the ground-rules and I think most males would respect your wishes. Essentially it would be in your hands to educate him regarding relationship building and sex – if you don’t feel you are up to that task, then learn more about it!

If you do meet a man who has not had a one-night stand, chances are he will be eager for sex and will be just as clueless as the rest about relationship building. Your strategy would be the same.

In summary Miss Minority I do not think you are being unrealistic, you are being very realistic in what is necessary to have a fulfilling long-term relationship and I wish you good luck.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (30 October 2015):

Are you having sex with them on the first date? If so, you should expect as much. If you are discovering that these guys have been sleeping around with her, her and her, they probably know the same about you. So you are naturally attracting this kind of guy.

Date a guy for a least the first three dates without sex. If a guy is really interested in you for more than sex, he'll wait until you are ready.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 October 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI think there is absolutely nothing wrong in not wanting ONS or casual sex, but an actual relationship.

YOU get to set YOUR standards. Everyone else does too, so no need to "judge" others for preferring something you don't.

I do think in this day and age of Tindr and other "dating apps" it's so easy for people who aren't serious to get access to a lot of people, who both ARE serious and those who are not. And unfortunately there are MANY girls who think that IF they have sex with a guy asap he will then fall for her and want more. Only to find out... well, he didn't. Yet they KEEP having casual sex, because they think well maybe the NEXT guy is serious so sex is OK - or the guys have learned to "gloss" over what they are really after - they might even "sell" themselves as being "serious" only to decide after the sex, nah I'm not ready to date.. (yet he is still on the dating app etc.)

So yes, it's quite a mine-field to be dating these days. Mainly because casual sex has become a "trend" same as FWB and other... well, not serious way of conducting relationships - it's become very disposable.

Is it unrealistic to find someone who is looking for a real relationship? I don't think it is. I think they are out there, but finding them..... MIGHT prove a bit hard.

First piece of advice, would be to NOT have sex or be "too" intimate the first couple of dates maybe even the first 4-6 months of dating. Because if a GUY is willing to get to know you before sex, intimacy he probably is more likely to be looking for a relationship than someone who tries to pressure you for sex on second date, because... he bought you dinner.

In those 4-6 months you BOTH get time to figure out if you share enough mutual core values, if there is chemistry and something to build a future on.

Now you mentioned your religion, so maybe you need to look closer to "home", meaning someone with the same faith and/or religious values as you and go from there.

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