A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend I'm very attracted to. I am separated, she is in a failing marriage. I don't give her advise or temp her to leave her marriage, but I want her to. Because of our situations, we see each other a few times a month. This is a big secret. If her husband knew we met once in a while it would be a big problem. My estranged spouse knows I see her and does not care, right now our friendship is just that, friends. It bothers me she won't tell her husband she is going to meet me because I would rather not hide our friendship. I've known her since we were in grammar school. I realize it could make her home life hard if her husband knew we went out for coffee, but there is nothing going on, even though I want something to happen, and as much as I do, I don't lead her on or have any sexual conversations with her. I'm starting to feel I should put some distance between us because I am sexually attracted to her. I hide that very well from her. I do feel a sense of attachment from her and I'm thinking this can't be helping her marriage if she decides to try and fix it. I tried to fix my marriage and had some guy constantly after my wife which made reconcilation impossible for me because my wife continued letting this guy into her life. I don't want to be that guy. Should I tell her how she makes me feel as a reason for distancing our friendship. I don't want to lie to her but I don't want to give her any ammunition to help sway the outcome of her marriage. As much as I'd like a relationship with her, I'm starting to feel I'm like the guy who put himself into my marriage. How do I tell her we need some distance, tell the truth or tell a fabricated story. Reply to this Question
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reader, TimmD +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Tell her just enough to allow you to break things off amicably. Do not tell her "I have always loved you but I will respect your marriage..." because that will just cause more stress for her and her marriage. In contrast, you cannot just simply stop talking to her, that will hurt her also and create questions.
You need to just be honest in telling her that you feel your meetings are unwise to continue. You are going through a difficult time with your marriage and you know her marriage isn't great either. You both need to take some time apart to sort out each other's feelings. And leave it at that. Denise is right, you're both married... her more so than you, so let her work out her marriage.
PS: You may think you are hiding your feelings from her but odds are she knows. Some things you cannot fully hide. If she feels the same, she will figure it out and end her marriage if she chooses. THEN you are free to pursue her...
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (13 July 2010):
 She's married - and whether it's "failing" or not, is beside the point. You're married, even though separated, and that also is beside the point. Married is married.
Until and unless you BOTH get divorced and then you would be free to pursue a relationship, but not before. So, the right thing to do is to tell her exactly that. Sure, you can keep her email or phone number, BUT don't call her, and don't accept any calls FROM her - UNLESS it's sometime in the future to let you know her's/your's divorces) are final.
Will this be difficult to carry out? Certainly. However, it's the honorable, fair stance to take.
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