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I have a little crush on my friend, but could never date him because he is overweight! How do I talk to him about his weight so he can be the perfect guy for me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 June 2012) 8 Answers - (Newest, 22 June 2012)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi guys. I would really love some thoughts and opinions on my situation.

First off i am 25 years old and after some horrible relationships iv finally found peace in being single and living life. I have joined volunteer work to void some of my spare time and i have met some amazing people in doing so.

One particular man, 2 years older than me, i have become quiet good friends with. His amazing personality and caring attitude draw people to him. He truly is amazing and i have developed quiet the crush on him.

I hope you can take into consideration i am far from a shallow person but here is my concern; i am a bit on the health diet side as im very athletic and weight concious. I also have overweight family who i have seen develop health issues and i hate it. This young man i have

developed a liking for, due to his amazing personality, is rather on the over weight side. He is infact very over weight. I feel sick even saying it because i am never one to judge, but as much as i have small feelings for him, i could never date someone as overweight as him not only due to the physical attraction, but also the health risks.

We get along like chalk and cheese and i generally love chatting to him, he makes me smile. I know he is interested in me and has asked me on a date in which i avoided as i am worried about giving him the wrong impression. It would be fantastic if i could encourage him to loose weight not for anyone else but even just himself but how do you bring up such a sensitive topic? Im sure his well aware but i just dont know what to do. As his friend i see such a talented man with such a future but his harming it by putting himself in danger of health risks.

Am i simply a horrid person to be thinking this way? I will always support him as a friend because you dont meet people like that every day but i feel like im being so shallow not going further than friendship. But you cant make yourself attracted to someone! Id love to offer to help him loose weight but that would be just so rude to say anything! I feel really stuck and confused.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012):

I remember being like that at your age...the guy had to look like this, he had to be taller than me because I am, he needed to have...the list was long...then somewhere along the line, I truly matured and that superficial list went out the window. I realized how many great guys I probably passed up and lost because of that thinking. Your superficial thinking and all the rest of your list, needs to turn into a deal breaker list...what your bottom line will not tolerate from a man in your life list and it should not include superficial things.

Look, if you are not sexually attracted to him, there is nothing that is going to change that and a friendship is as far as it will go, so move on and don't lead him on.

Like women, men also want to find a women who will love them for them, not what women want them to be or become. He deserves that as much as you do.

I think what is happening now, you are getting to that point of possibly maturing and you are realizing that there are men of substance that may not necessarily have the "look" you have normally been attracted to...you can either explore this or keep doing what you are doing and see how that continues to work for you. I think you should give this guy a chance and if there is really an attraction, honestly, you won't even see he's overweight.

Your lifestyle may not be something he even wants to explore (you being fit) and he won't want a relationship with you in that way, or he may embrace it because he needs someone like you to motivate him just by it rubbing off on him....

For many years, I was uncomfortable dating a guy who was shorter than myself, because that's what we all grow up seeing...every commercial, movie, etc., the guy is always taller then the girl...it gets drilled into your brain like it or not. Anyway, it took me 44 years to realize that was ridiculous.... I met a guy who is probably an inch shorter then me and we have been together now, three years. Go figure lol. I also am athletic and work out regularly...this guy was not in shape and slightly overweight and never embraced exercise in his life. Now, on his own, he is in shape and has lost about 20 pounds and I really think it's because I rubbed off on him. Never once did I suggest, expect or even care because I was, and still am, very attracted to him...he did it on his own.

Also, I highly suspect, because of the way you are judging this guy, you are concerned about people judging you if you date a guy like this....when you can stop allowing this to happen it will open you up to a whole lot you have probably been missing...food for thought....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012):

Would you mind if he shed his weight but he also shed his loving personality? all goods come with bads. If you want to start a relationship with him, then do it. I understand physical attraction is very important, so if you really cannot do it and feel disgust when you think of getting intimate with him then its best to be best friends with him. Otherwise, start something with him, make sure he knows you want to take it real slow and when the time comes and you still can not deal with his weight then explain it to him. Maybe he just needs a little push.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (21 June 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou really can't do much about it...

if he's not going to make the changes for him when he's ready on his own then it's not a real change.

you can model what you think it good behavior.

invite him for healthy meals

ask him to take walks

etc.

losing weight is the easy part KEEPING It off is HARD and it involves a permanent commitment to lifestyle changes.

and what happens if he loses the weight you guys get together... it's wonderful you get married and he gains it back.. because it's shown that happy content men gain weight.

My partner was 139 pounds when we started dating in December 2010... he is OVER 160 now... (he needed to gain a bit but not quite as much as he's gained)

I too was much thinner and have gained weight...

we still love each other...and nothing has changed in terms of how we feel about each other...

for you, your not attracted to him romantically because of his weight... well that's who he is... if you can't accept it then he's friend zone.... and that's OK...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012):

I have a little crush on my friend, but could never date her because she is flat-chested! How do I talk to her about her tiny tits so she can be the perfect woman for me?

What would you say to me if I asked you the above OP?

You talk about all the bullshit concern for his health you want, the simple fact of the matter is this guy is not good enough for you and you want him to change to suit you.

Read my first couple of sentences again, it's the exact same, you don't get a free pass on that kind of thing just because you're a girl.

If I came here and asked that for real the women and men on this site would tear me to pieces.

Leave him alone OP. You either like him or you don't but don't dare to assume just because it's healthier you have any right to try and change him into something you want him to be so that you can have the kind of guy that you want. Go find a guy who is already like that instead of putting down this guy the way that you are.

Seriously can you imagine a guy you liked and asked out suddenly started dropping hints about your boobs being too small? He deserves a woman who will love him for him, warts and all not a "fixer" who wants mold him into her kind of guy under the guise of doing "helping him be healthier" that's not your motivation at all or it would b easy as hell to talk to him.

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A female reader, ImmortalPrincess United States +, writes (21 June 2012):

ImmortalPrincess agony auntChemistry between two people cannot be forced, it's either there or it isn't, and it has nothing to do with how a person looks. It's a soul to soul connection that gives you the desire to get to know that person on a level that goes beyond friendship, regardless of any physical attractiveness. I think if he isn't the "perfect" guy for you, right now, then he wont be when he losses weight, either. There will always be something physically, that you need him to change, in order to keep you interested.

That's nothing against you, you're just not that into him, it's only a crush. You said you had "small" feelings for him. Leave him be, there is someone out there that he will connect with, and they will think he is the most perfect man in the whole world.....weght and all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012):

You are being shallow!

I'm a sexy, in shape girl, with an overweight boyfriend yet I love everything about him, including his stomach ;) That is what is called unconditional love. It does not matter if the person is young or old, fat or thin, it's what is in their heart and soul, and I for one would not trade my boyfriend who I hope will become my husband in the very near future!!!

So leave Mr Special for someone who will appreciate him as he is, and who will be attracted to him exactly as he is. The only reason he would change is for health reasons, and it would be when he is ready, not because you would need that before you would deign to give him a date.

Move on and leave him for someone more deserving of him. Weight does not a person make! You may be health conscious, etc. so find someone the same as you. Be his friend only. Let him down easy.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (21 June 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYou write: "...i am never one to judge.." then proceed to tell us how you are JUDGING this guy.... Caught in a fib..

On the other hand... there are good reasons for people to NOT be overweight, as you know.... You can (and probably ought to) discuss healthy living and eating with this guy, and see if he sees the benefit of it, and would like to partake of it.... THEN, be his "coach".... and see what the results are....

You should NOT predicate your feelings about this man upon YOUR expectation that he can and MUST reduce his weight in order to keep your interest. IF you do that, then be prepared to be disappointed. Taking up a relationship with someone, with the expectation that we are going to CHANGE that someone (outside of THEIR desire to change) is a recipe for disaster.... Just ask the thousands of divorcees who would tell you: "He (or: she) is/was just PERFECT except for.....")....

Good luck....

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (21 June 2012):

Tisha-1 agony auntSuggest outings in which you do some fitness type of things, hikes, brisk walks, bicycle rides. This will send him the message that you are an active and athletic person and are looking for an active and athletic partner. He can then choose to join you or not.

If you aren't attracted to him, you aren't attracted to him, don't beat yourself up for that. But don't lead him on either. I'm sure he knows he's overweight. He may or may not be able to take the steps to make himself healthier, here's hoping he does, it's a great transformational journey to go on. I highly recommend it.

The motivation has to come from within. You may be able to spark that inside him by modeling healthy behavior and habits. Don't expect it to happen.

I don't think having a conversation with him about his weight will be productive, and as you said it feel rude to do so. It's a rejection of his physical being, which at the moment is the manifestation of his inward life. He's overweight for a reason. Maybe he has a thyroid issue or other underlying health condition.

I know a guy who was morbidly obese, he managed to lose over 100 lbs through exercise and diet, and he had a secret goal he shared with me. I don't know him well enough to know his internal battles but the last time I saw him, he'd gained the weight back. I think in his case, food is comfort. I think he has an expectation of life and wants a girlfriend but is in some way afraid of it, of making himself vulnerable in that way. An injury may have been a set back but I had hoped the eating would have been modulated.

You can't force attraction. You may, in time, see past the weight, perhaps, but I understand that rolls of fat can be a desire-killer.

Sad, isn't it, when you like someone but there's no spark there. I guess that's just part of life, that there will be unrequited feelings for people. You've probably encountered men you find attractive who do not reciprocate the attraction. How would you have liked them to handle expressing their reason for not finding you attractive as well? Maybe think about that for a bit and see if that doesn't help you in dealing with him.

Good luck, stay healthy and encourage others to do the same!

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