A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel so bad for thinking about my ex and I know people are going to bag me out for it. If it was someone coming to me, in which I am often the person, it is what I would be telling them.I tried to give myself time to heal after we broke up, 2 years. I've been with my current gf for 6 years and I care for her. Sometimes I cant understand why I'm with her at times but feel so lucky at other times. She treats me very well and it is a much more stable relationship.I was with my ex for 3 years, my first love, and the last year was messy and was messy for another year after we broke up. I know she loved me also but her immaturity and rational thinking was surreal. To put it she was book smart but no common sense.I try to hide my feelings for her but they slip out ever so slightly on occasion. I love her, I know this, but but my gf does not deserve it. I've learnt a lot about myself and about psychology. I suspect she was BPD, narcissistic and towards the end very much gas lighting me. My ex apologised to me after 2 years of being in no contact, 3 years after we broke up. She said a few things to me but the biggest stand out point was that "she doesn't like drama" yet she was the biggest contributor to it. I can't be sure she has changed but I sure she probably meant it but continues to perpetuate in the process.I was not perfect myself. I was working hard, immature and a functioning alcoholic dealing with depression. I may have had mild depression for many years prior without knowing. My aim was trying to save for a house as I grew up poor in which she did not.
View related questions:
alcoholic, broke up, immature, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 June 2017):
 It's because she was your first love. You could live a lifetime and never forget her. I'm married now, and I love my husband, but he was not my first love. If I ever sat and had coffee with my first love, I know for a fact that the memory of those feelings would still be there. There's always a smoldering coal for a first love. It's just that there will come a time when that coal won't matter, where you have the roaring 10-alarm fire of the person you're in love with, and while the coal makes you smile and feel a bit nostalgic over what was, the real truth is that you would never leave the true fire for the coal.
I'm not saying that the girl you're with is that true fire, and that's a separate issue. Don't be with her because she cares about you. Know that you love her. If you DO love the girl you've spent 6 years of your life with, then cherish HER. Don't go pining for the ghost of a coal of a first love, because you're grasping at what no longer exists.
It's been 8 years since you saw your ex. Neither of you are the same person, and life isn't some lifetime love affair epic romance movie. Your first love was toxic and volatile, and leaving her was you preserving your sanity.
Now re-file that first love back in your memories and live for today. DO NOT CONTACT her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2017): Thank you for your detailed response and I completely agree. It is hard letting go of someone you once loved so much, but I do need reminding every now and again that it is best left in the past. Thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2017): I have to tell you, I had a similar thing happen to me 10 years ago. Was in love with a man (first love) were together for 3 years, lived together, spoke about marriage, kids Etc. and then one day we began fighting and for about 1 month we fought non-stop then decided to break up. I left, he felt angry and hurt and we never got back together again.Same situation as you, never got over him. And I have to tell you this...you probably will never get over your ex....on the surface you will but not deep down. But the more time (years) the two of you are apart the more you will grow apart from each other. It took me 5 years being alone before I found out that I didn't need my ex in my life any more. Yes, I do still think about him everyday (as you probably do too) even if it is just for a brief moment or if something reminds me of him but you have to remember you just can't be together again. It didn't work once, so it can't work again. One thing we fail to see is all of the faults our ex partners had. Think of all of those niggly things that used to drive you insane. Chances are those faults are still there in your ex partner.One lesson I learnt after about 8 years is that we DIDN'T WORK for a reason probably just like you and your ex. You have to realise things WEREN'T perfect between the two of you, hence the reason why you two aren't together. I really believe that you learn a lot from someone you have loved.I learnt what I want and don't want in a relationship, I learnt how to be more mature as I was young and naive when I met my ex 10 years ago. I also learnt that a good partnership requires good team work and selflessness too.I think in saying all of this, you also need to reassess your situation with your current partner. If you've been together for 6 years and don't feel like the love is there, it might be time to move on.I think in the end, you just have to be happy that you got to experience your ex partner even if it was only for a short period in your life. As much as it hurts you just have to be happy for them and hope that they are enjoying their lives.One of the most difficult things for me to see is occasionally driving past his home (which was once ours) and seeing his new wife and their new family car and their newborn baby.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2017):
 ...Erm...and ?
It's over. O-V-E-R. All this was 3 years ago. It made you suffer, it affected you, no doubt- but : you csn't change the past. You can never go back to what it was. You can never bathe twice in the very same river- water flows, and goes forward. Life too.
That's why I think it is futile and unnecessarily painful for you, rehashing what happened and what she was and what she did wrong and what you did wrong... It just did not work. You weren't made for each other; you weren't compatible, in practice. Love ? Love means nothing and accomplishes nothing, without mutual understanding and compatibility.
She aid she does not like drama, and she may be in perfect good faith. You feel that she contributed greatly to make drama- and that's possible, of course, then again drama comes from flaws in comunication and clashes in personality and incompatible ways to handle conflict; it is perfectly possible that , with another more suitable partner, she is not making any drama- same as you are not making dramas with your current partner.
Speaking of whom, yes, if you still have these strong lingering feelings for your ex, you should end it with your current gf. It's not fair to her. She deserves someone who can love her all of the time, not just part of the time.
Maybe you need to be single, and to work on yourself some more, and most of all to tackle the issue of your mild depression. Which may be in remission right now. but sort of lurking beneath the surface. It is possible that your mild depression has played and is playing a distinctive role in your relationship. One of the biggest problems with mild depressuin is that you remain functional, you work, you have sex, you go out , you do everything normally ( as opposed to severe depression ) but - there's anhedonia. The incapability of finding gratification and pleasure in the normal pursuits and interests of your daily life. Probably what turns you off from your current r/ship is precisely its stability, which you may think you want, rationally. When instead it is / was difficult for you to feel strong feelings, strong emotions, in a regular, stable, unchallenging situation. You need, or needed the fireworks, the battle, the conflict- the drama. It can become addictive- it could be THIS that you are missing, not the ex per se.
Like... people with chronical mild depression can't ever enjoy thoroughly, say, a nice trip to the local petting zoo. No- they need a safari to wild Africa- even if it means (... or BECAUSE it means ) being half chewed up by a disgruntled lion :).
Perhaps you should be single for a while, until you haven't sorted yourself out a bit better. I take your word that your ex may have been a real nightmare to deal with : BPD , narcissistic, immature, gaslighting, all you want. But... it takes two to tango, and normally a guy with a balanced outlook on life and a strong sense of self worth, looking back to a past relationship like yours, would most probably say " Pfeewww! I dodged a bullet ! I am rid of the BPD, narcissistic sociopath ex, yay ! " rather than
" Oh I miss her so much ... She was so good at making my life a living hell "...
So maybe there's a few little things you have to change in yourself , before being in relationships again...
...............................
|
