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I have a crush on a student.

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Question - (1 May 2009) 13 Answers - (Newest, 22 December 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I just need to vent!!! I'm a male teacher in his late 20's and I have a crush on one of my female students who is about to turn 18. It's not lust.... I just think she and I have many things in common and we seem to have a great connection. She is also very pretty. I am just so sick of bottling my feelings up!!!! I can't take it any more. I know I can't say anything but I feel like I'm going to burst!!! Should I seek her out after graduation?? I know she is seeing someone now but I just want to tell her how I feel.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010):

I'll start off by saying that I am truly aorry for what you are going through (if you have not resolved it yet, if you have, then kudos to you). Although it is not even close to the same situation, I have some idea as to what it feels like to have a problem like this. My absolute best advice would be to wait. If she is still with someone then you will be infringing on that, and as it is still so close to when she was one of your students, you could spark problems with your school system. If this connection is as strong as you believe it is, then it will definitely last long enough for you to be able to safely (in regards to your job, which I am assuming you would like to keep) reveal your feelings.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009):

Hi,

This is the original person who posted the original question. I can assure you all that this IS an isolated incident. I never dreamed I would have this kind of tempatation or feelings. All I can say is this: This girl and I have something in common that is very special and very important to a relationship. I do not want to say what it is because if for some strange reason she herself were to ever see this post on this site, it would be a dead give away if I revealed what it is we have in common. One poster said that the connection we have may just be harmless flirting...he may be right but on the other hand I can't help thinking that there may be more to the story than just that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

Yes, but you don't have to say in your interviews..

"there's something you should know before you hire me.. i'm dating a former student."

I don't see how they would ever know or how it is even their busines who you're dating, as long as it is not someone from that school. Once she graduates, it's just a normal relationship. Just as if you went after another woman who was also once in High School.

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A male reader, ArmyMedic United Kingdom +, writes (1 May 2009):

ArmyMedic agony auntIt depends on if you want to be employed as a teacher ever again, I understand it is legal once she graduates but how many head teachers would employ a guy that is dating a girl that has just graduated from his class?

I wouldn't, I understand these are natural urges but professionalism must come first. You choose to be a teacher therefore you sacrifice your right to date a school girl because she is "old enough"

This is very dodgy ground and I feel it's a little irresponsible posting this kind of thing on a forum where young teenage girls ask if they're teacher will ever fall in love with them.

Oh and don't forget angry dads, most parents of a school girl wouldn't think to kindly of a teacher thinking like this about his little girl.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

At this present moment, it is not a good idea to act on your feelings for her. You are a teacher, and you will be abusing your position, power and authority as a teacher. Wait till she has graduated. Wail until it is legal in the eyes of the law. Wait until she is mature enough. There really isn't anything wrong with trying to pursue a relationship after she is legal and mature enough to make her own decisions.

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A female reader, xxInItForLovexx Australia +, writes (1 May 2009):

Hahaa you sound like a teacher I know at my school. my advice is wait until she graduates then GO for IT! You will always wonder what would have been and if she turns you down then you can always get a transfer and theres a very good cahnce you will never see her again so taek control!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

I think some people are jumping down your throat a bit much. Yes, you shouldn't have those feelings for your student, but its not like shes in second grade. She's almost 18, and you said it isn't lust, so how could you help it? My dad married my mom when he was 31 and she was 19. It didn't last forever, but did last for 25 years and he, even then, he still loved her. However, I do agree with the other people who are telling you not to go for it. High school relationships can be pretty serious in their minds, 18 is way off than being in your mid 20s (I'm also in my mid 20s and am totally different than I was in high school), and your first few years of college are meant to be single. I will assume that her parents live near your school, so you will probably run into her again at some time. I would wait awhile and see if it goes away or if she breaks up with her boyfriend and grows up a little. Also I would wait until there has been at least a few years between her being your student and dating her to save yourself professionally. If its meant to be it will be but be patient.You are probably not sick as some poster said, but I also hope this is an isolated incident.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

You could tell her, I suppose. As long as she's no longer a student of yours and is 18, it IS legal.

It wouldn't work though.. Guarantee. Even if you landed her as a gf, and that's a big IF, the way her life is going to change so drastically in the next few years would drive a wedge between you two. Your life, is at that town, teaching in that school. Her life, is in front of her, at whatever college or vocation she should decide. There is a conflict of interest and a conflict of goals inherent.

Also, if she already has a boyfriend, you are infringing upon that. You realize this, yes? You also realize that this..."great connection" of yours is probably only a little harmless flirting in her mind, yes? Girls (especially young girls) LOVE to flirt. I would think, you being a high school teacher, you would know that.

You must be new.

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A female reader, Vixen Green United States +, writes (1 May 2009):

Vixen Green agony auntThis is an ethical situation. You have an obligation as a teacher not to romantically pursue your students. I'm assuming you're a high school teacher? Sometimes we have feelings for others, but it's not always best to act on them. Think about how this child's parents may react.

If this child does not approach you after graduation...you should forget about it. You'd be better of pursuing someone your own age or older.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

I personally don't see a problem with seeking her out after she graduates. at that point, everything is legal... and if she doesn't concur, then you never have to see her again and nothing is awkward!

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A female reader, mylassie10 United States +, writes (1 May 2009):

mylassie10 agony auntHey...i can totally relate to what your going through only on the other end of it. When I was 17 I had a major crush on one of my teachers and he was in his late 20's. After i graduated I went back to visit and we kept in touch through email and me visiting him and eventually he gave me a hint he would date me and i told him that i liked him but he knew it was wrong to pursue that and he told me he didnt want to jeopardize anything and maybe in a few years he would run into me but my point is, i dont think its a good idea to pursue her right after she graduates. She will be legal and no longer your student but you would still have to keep it under wraps from the school and who knows what her parents may say. You wouldnt want a relationship with someone you have to keep a secret...too much of a hassel and someone at your age shouldnt have to worry about that. But in reality..what would you get out of the relationship? Your nearly 10 years older, shes about to go off to college. Honestly do you think it would last long and turn into a serious relationship because at your age, many guys want to find someone that could potentially be their future wife. I think its ok if you keep in touch by email or something and if your meant to be, the feelings will be there in another couple of years. I hope I helped a bit. Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

If she's seeing someone, I really think you should back off. Seriously, that would just ruin your relationship with her. It's frowned upon for teachers to see their students as it may deem unprofessional.

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A female reader, Lani702 United States +, writes (1 May 2009):

Lani702 agony auntIf you were meant to be with her, you would have met her in a different setting. You would not have met her while you were her teacher and she were your underage student.

It is not meant for you to be with her and for you to even look at her in that light is wrong.

You should NOT tell her, you should NOT contact her and frankly, you should get all thoughts of her out of your head.

Thoughts lead to actions. You are bordering on doing something not only morally wrong, but illegal.

I hope this is an isolated incident. If you begin to have thoughts of other students, you need to go to therapy and I mean that sincerely.

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