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I hate him looking at porn, how do I get him to stop?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Pornography, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 June 2010) 15 Answers - (Newest, 2 July 2010)
A female Australia age 18-21, anonymous writes:

ok so i've been reading some of the posts in the pornography section and i have a question to ask myself.

I am a 17 year old girl. I have been with my partner for 2 years now and we have a 10 month old baby together. I haven't got the best body i won't lie. (I am not fat but i do have a few stretch marks from the pregnancy) I have average sized boobs. I have long black hair and have been told in the past i resemble amy lee from evanescence. I have caught my boyfriend looking at porn in the past and I was extremely JEALOUS! I have tried to accept it (not working well) I have tried to reason with him and I have tried to threaten our relationship (not a smart move i know). I actually told him id rather he have sex with another girl than look at porn. And that he did, in front of me! I honestly didn't feel near as jealous as when he watched porn. I felt very uncomfortable and awkward... but yeah i dealt with it. I have put photos up of myself and this other girl in his phone for 'inspiration' when i am not up to helping him! This was not good enough. The other day, i found 4 porn videos. He said he hasnt watched them for 2 months. He told me he likes porn because they do things that i wont do. Now, short of eating his poo... i've just about done it all. Every fantasy he has i've gone there whether it be wrong or not. He has shagged another girl for god's sake. He got his threesome, he had anal sex with me! Hey, me and my friend even suggested we get naughty outfits for him WHY would he want to watch porn?? The only thing i can think of now is that i am not a size 6 and i dont have fake boobs. Thats all! Can anyone shed some light on my situation and give me some help here? LOL

View related questions: anal sex, boobs, jealous, porn, sex with another, stretch marks, threesome

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A male reader, girl watcher United States +, writes (2 July 2010):

Alot of guys I know look at porn because they want what there seeing. Maybe be a little more open to expeirmenting in bed. If you want to keep a guy it has to be mutual but you have to keep him interested in bed. Be willing to try lots of new things.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010):

he wont change it because these are the types of women he finds attractive. really dont know how i ended up with him actually cause i look nothing like them. im more your weird gothic outcast type, hes really into skanky paris hiltons. That is what upsets me. I have suggested we watch it together, that will never happen cause he doesnt wanna watch it with me. I have also asked if he wants to look at some tasteful stuff instead of sick crap.. and hes like oh yeah ill change and have a look at hot girls instead and then 2 months later when i read through his phone... its the skanks. Just so over it.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2010):

Miamine agony aunt"it makes me sick to think he gets off over girls who stuffed my life up"

But that is faulty thinking.. He is not looking at women you know, these women are not the women who bullied you. He is looking at women who put on make up, slim and sometimes get surgery on their breasts, they do these things so they can get employment in the pornography business.

You are mixing up the past with the present.. these women in the video's and magazines are strangers to you and him.

If this is what is bothering you, then explain this to him. He may not stop, but he'll probably change the type of pornography that he may be interested in.

There is a wide variety of people in pornography, it's more democratic than the movies or TV. Speak to him about the porn issue, tell him how it brings up anger in you and why that happens.

PS: He may not be lonely, you two may not suit, but if you find alternative partners who share your values you both may become happier. However, if you don't sort out these problems from the past, you will continue to have issues that have nothing much to do with the pornography issue.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010):

already am, on antidepressants for the shit they caused me. it makes me sick to think he gets off over girls who stuffed my life up. But, i dont have a problem with him having sex with other girls so obviously its not a jealousy thing like people always say... im just so confused dont know what to do but its like this, he can have me and all my friends, or he can have porn and be lonely.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2010):

Miamine agony aunt*can't

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2010):

Miamine agony aunt"They look so mean and ugly.. a lot like the girls who bullied me for 6 years in high school."

Then you have an issue with bullying from your childhood, you need to sort that out. You do not know these women, you can judge them as mean and ugly, just because they remind you of someone else..

You hate your partner looking at porn because they remind you of childhood bullies? I suggest you take up counselling to restore your self image and self esteem which was damaged by some girls when you were at school.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010):

He isnt an asshole, honest he says he felt kind of pressured to have sex with her because i wanted him to do it rather than watch porn. 'fantasy' gets me angry more than 'reality' because my friend doesn't look like a 2 bob scrubber. I DESPISE the girls in porn. Not the actual porn itself. They look so mean and ugly.. a lot like the girls who bullied me for 6 years in high school.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (22 June 2010):

Miamine agony auntYou arranged for him to have sex with someone in front of you, and that dosen't make you jealous, but the porn women on the screen do...

mmmmm... very strange....of course you must leave this guy.. but how come fantasy makes you more angry than reality?

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A female reader, Spades Canada +, writes (22 June 2010):

Spades agony auntYou know what, scratch what I wrote. I agree with what celia said.

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A female reader, Spades Canada +, writes (22 June 2010):

Spades agony auntWhoa whoa..

You are bending over backwards for him. That is not healthy in any relationship. Not only are YOU bending over backwards, so are your FRIENDS. Under NO circumstances should you do something you are not comfortable with.

In order to have a healthy relationship there has to be balance. Maybe if you "allow" him to watch those videos, and in return you are now able to do something or have something you gave up. Something you sacrificed for that relationship such as a friend he didnt like you talking to. I mean it's only fair.

In my opinion, I don't think there is anything wrong with watching porn, but I can see where you're coming from being compared to women in those videos. Keep in mind though, those women have make-up artists and hair stylists on-hand. You don't see the akward moments when their hair is matted to their head or when theyre make-up is running down their face. And yes, as you say, they often have had surgical "inhancements".

Failing that, perhaps if you watched it together that would help you feel more comfortable with the idea.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (22 June 2010):

I think there are more problems than porn here. He just sounds like a pretty awful guy in general. And you're making a fundamental mistake. Yo're trying to change him. That's something he won't do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010):

Its not the porn thats the issue here. All men watch it. And those that say they don't or haven't are liars and not to be believed under any circumstances.

No, its the fact that you are so bothered by it that you have let yourself do things that are worse by far than watching sounds and pixels on a screen designed to look and sound like vaguely attractive people fucking.

Look, the best thing you can do is get as far away from this relationship as you can. Clearly its not gonna work out.

Men don't take porn seriously, the sooner you get your head around that, the happier you'll be.

But porn habits aside, this guy sounds like a dickhead and you'd be well to get rid of him.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (22 June 2010):

person12345 agony auntHe clearly has no regard for your feelings at all. I know you have a baby, but I don't think he's going to stop. He's not making an effort to think about you at all. Sounds like the relationship is with him and porn, not him and you. I can't believe he actually cheated on you when you said that! Ditch this guy. He's selfish and gives you nothing in return but pain. There are other nice guys out there who would respect you more.

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (22 June 2010):

Artistry agony auntHi there, I know you have a little one, but I have to ask you if you are satisfied in this relationship with him? Because it seems that you spend most of your time pleasing him. What do you receive from him? It should be a two sided thing, not him having all his wishes fulfilled, and you waiting for his next request in my opinion. He likes porn, those are pictures, men like naked women in photos, they get turned on. So if you don't like him oggling them and he won't stop then eithter you have to accept it or find something better to do with your life. Having sex in front of you is very disrespectful and that should be unacceptable to you as a woman. But thats your call.

He's caught up in his own pleasyure and if you ask me, he doesn't care about you? Face reality and think if this is making you happy. It's your call, but you seem to be chasinbg a ghost, somebody who is not what you want them to be but you keep hoping. Good luck. Sometimes we have to make tough choices.

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A male reader, ManAfterChrist United States +, writes (22 June 2010):

ManAfterChrist agony auntHey, I actually had a very long struggle with pornography that ruined my previous relationship. I know a bit about this.

This is going to sound bad, but you are being an enabler, you are not helping him. Porn is an addiction, and it's a lust-filled world that's hard to get out of. Instead of getting him to lust more often, he needs to lust LESS often.

When I had my girlfriend, we unfortunately became orally sexually active. Before we were dating, I hadn't looked at porn in over a year. When we started being sexually active (no intercourse, but we were still active), I started looking at porn again. Why? I was thinking about it more often. I started to view my girlfriend as an object of lust, not of love. And those thoughts transferred to my computer screen.

Advice? Be supportive. Keep him accountable. Ask him how he's doing, and instead of being jealous, be sympathetic. Porn really is a mental addiction. It will take awhile to help him through. But if you two make it, you will be better for it after.

I wish you the best of luck. You'll be in my prayers.

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