A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Most of my self-worth depends on me not looking stupid in front of people, and it is affecting my life. When I was younger, everyone told me I was smart. I was always reading and didn't have to try very hard to learn. I barely studied and still always got above-average grades (I didn't aim for perfection in case I found I couldn't do it - I was afraid to fail at that).When I started uni I found I had to try very hard to keep up. That made me feel so disillusioned, I wanted to drop out. But I became used to it over time, and now I get great marks by working hard. But in other parts of my life, not wanting to look dumb is still a problem. Mainly, I flat out will NOT let my boyfriend teach me things. It's causing friction between us. When I first met him, I felt quite superior. I'm 3 years older, and I was more independent as I'd already lived away from home for 3 years, working abroad as a nanny. He had only just left school. I got to look after him a bit and feel like the experienced older girl. But now he has caught up, I feel somehow threatened. This comes out in the silliest ways.Today he was trying to teach me to do a handstand. I desperately want to be able to do a handstand, but I just can't. I told him I want to practice in private until I can do it, and then reveal it to others. That's how I prefer to learn skills, so nobody sees all the times I fail. But he made me keep practicing in front of him and I started getting petulant, narrowing my eyes at him and giving him the silent treatment when he corrected me. He said I was being ridiculous, and technically I did know I was, but I wanted to make him annoyed too because he was making me feel stupid. It's like a defense mechanism to protect my own self-image. It stops me feeling like I'm losing.How do I learn to take advice and correction? I am now working as a house cleaner, a job I quite like because I can self-manage and am not observed. But soon I'll graduate and will need to find a job. What if it's a job where someone is watching me? Or I have to go through some training and get critiqued and corrected on mistakes? I'm not used to this, at least not in person - all my feedback on uni assignments is given online, which means I can always cry alone over anything negative. How the hell do I move forward here? I don't like feeling this way and causing problems with my boyfriend, but at the same time I'm stubborn and do not want to give in and look like the loser. And I don't know how I'll ever manage to be anything other than a cleaner if I don't want to be a beginner at anything. I want to improve on these habits, but I also don't want to be fake. I am who I am. I don't want to pretend to be someone else, just find a way to adapt. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2019): Narcissism is what you're describing. A feeling of superiority and creating an image of perfection; while looking down on others. You may not be there yet, but you're on your way.
There's a big difference between confidence and conceit. Confidence is having an awareness of your strongest or best traits; and having the characteristics that solidly support them. Being able to carry them with grace. While conceit is being vain. Impressed with yourself; whether you can live-up to who you think you are, or not. Blowing yourself up! Grandiosity! The problem is, you need to pull others down; to lift yourself up! You need to remind others of your superiority, and constantly flaunt it.
Naturally we want to impress others, that's natural. Everyone is very much aware that you have flaws and imperfections. In-fact, the more you try to hide them; the more you'll be scrutinized. Especially by those who refuse to be impressed. If anyone can find your weaknesses; it will be your nemesis, or your enemies! Their objective is to deflate your big-head! Tarnish your sparkly image. Conceit invites this trouble! You can't keep it up anyway!
Many young people your age grew-up after my generation; who went over-board with teaching children how special, beautiful, and smart they are. We pushed positive-reinforcement to the max! We put operant conditioning in over-drive! Filling poor kids heads with the belief they had to prove they could live-up to it! They are perfect!
Children were rewarded without actually accomplishing anything. They were spoiled, and given a medal for it. Granted prizes for showing-up to get one! Just to make them feel good. Even throughout your education, or if you played sports; parents insisted everyone give their kids special recognition. For no more reason than because they said so. He or she is THEIR kid! Make something up! My kid deserves a certificate of recognition, or a plaque! An honor for being born as my kid! Gratuitous praise and coddling makes kids exactly as you described you've become. Not your fault at all, my dear! Not at all! You love them, and want to please them. To make them proud! They love you to pieces!
It backfired.
Now we have a generation of kids who are entitled, selfish, arrogant, and difficult to convince you have to work your way up to promotions and earn reward. It's not given to you for the asking, or on demand. Feeling entitled doesn't give you the right to have anything and whatever you want. My generation felt we were rebelling against our own parents; by not following their example. Resenting what we thought was overbearing, strict, unfair, and too hard-ass on us. So we weren't going to raise our kids like our parents raised us. I was one of the unfortunate kids who parents put me in my place! Used discipline, demanded my respect, and made me earn and work for things. I got spoiled too! They gave me whatever I wanted, because they could afford it.
Don't worry, my dear! You're not too far gone; you are beginning to realize it! You have a built-in pressure-gauge that is sounding-off like a boiling teapot!
You're not clueless, like some who actually believe it! Brats, no one short of having one MD-PhD in clinical-psychology, or an MD/PhD in psychiatry & behavioral science could convince them otherwise. Of course after charging them for many years of intense therapy. The damage is deep-seated! They sometimes become sociopaths! They get elected!!!
You'll be okay!
I wouldn't be too worried, if I were you. You've already recognized the behavior; and you don't like it. It's exhausting, trying to maintain a facade of perfection.
You're very young, but reality is setting-in. You're maturing and beginning to see the light. You're tired of it.
You can't avoid the realities of life; and you can't escape criticism, or the judgment of others. People drive themselves insane up-keeping an image. There is really nothing wrong with practicing or perfecting something before you make a presentation; but trying to create an image of perfection doesn't really fool anyone. We're all human. Your youthful naivete fools you into believing people think you can do anything you put your mind to. There are always conditions and qualifications to be met.
If I had gotten promotions I thought I deserved when I wanted them; I would have failed and fell flat on my face. I would have been totally humiliated; and ashamed to show my face. I got a grip of my arrogance and my ego; and I worked harder. I listened to my elders, took advice, found mentors, and I worked hard until I knew I was ready for it. It took hard work! Not just an inflated-ego or haughty sense of entitlement. I had to prove I was ready and able; and convince those who wanted to give it to me, they were making a good decision. It wasn't easy, and I had to humble myself. My parents taught me better; but I had to learn through experience, and a good dose of harsh reality!
You've seen relentless fathers pushing and pressuring their sons and daughters to be super-athletes. Mothers pushing their daughters to be beauty queens, or the dancer she never was. Parents trying to correct their own failures; or perpetuate their own vanities through their children! By piling it all on them to be better, faster, smarter, prettier, and more successful! Have you seen those videos of badly behaving parents, embarrassing their children on the soccer or football field??? Pageant-mothers going psycho?!!
We all know we have limitations; and nobody knows everything! Not everyone can do anything they put their minds to. You may not have the talent or the skills. If you can't sing, you can take all the lessons you like. You can learn to carry a tune, but it won't make you a diva or a pop star. You may be an outstanding high school athlete; but it doesn't guarantee you'll make it to the pros! You might be good, there's always someone better!
People tend to knock you down a few pegs when you get too big for your pants. Showing-off and being prideful is normal these days; but the school of hard-knocks calms us down. After learning we can't hide our faults and weaknesses. That alone will naturally humble us. Being caught fumbling or making a huge mistake for the world to see! It's actually a relief! You don't have to keep it up anymore!
We all have to go to the bathroom! We don't poop flowers and urinate perfume!
You'll lose your boyfriend if it's always a battle of wills or a competition. People just get tired of habits and behavior that creates conflict and incompatibility. You'll calm-down, and humble yourself; or you'll lose friends and romantic-opportunities. Relax, and show you're normal; and just like everybody else. You're not fooling anyone, but yourself.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 January 2019):
 Get some therapy. It's narcissistic to consider yourself superior or to want to be superior to people - especially family/boyfriend. Nobody wants to stick around someone who makes them feel inferior or who refuses to accept that she doesn't know everything.
It's good you came here for advice - it shows you CAN ask for help. So, go find a therapist to help you with your superiority complex.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 January 2019):
 OP, Newsflash!!!
EVERYONE hates being criticized and corrected! But for MOST people THIS is how we learn! No one (not even you) are born knowing everything.
You were told when you were little that you were OH SO SMART and SPECIAL and for a while you were able to "live" on those laurels. Then you found University and that you aren't super special. Thankfully, you didn't give up. You instead started to study and is doing good!
Parent/teachers DO tell their kids that they are the prettiest, the smartest, the funniest, the "whatever" OUT of love, but in some cases... it doesn't always help the kid.
You ARE a perfectionist. Maybe with a touch of OCD? I can see a lot of me in you. Though, my OCD was very obvious. I have taught myself SO many things, because I wanted to be able to do them and make it seem like it was easy. Yeah, I was a pretty competitive kid with a very athletic big brother. Our parent didn't compare us, didn't push or OVERLY praise us, that was just the two of us pushing each other.
Comparing yourself to your BF and thinking you are somehow SUPERIOR than him because of XYZ is not a good trait, OP. Because you are NOT. He should be your equal, your partner. HE will be good at some things, you will be good at others. He will have had SOME experiences and you other life experiences. HE can LEARN from you, BUT you CERTAINLY can learn from him too.
Age doesn't make ANYONE more superior. Skills, wisdom, knowledge or anything else, really is LEARNED/TAUGHT along the way.. someone who has dome acrobatics for 10 years is without DOUBT better than someone who started yesterday. But you can be 50 and a complete dumbass at things and someone who is half that age, be pretty good at the same things.
Crying alone IS OK. It's YOUR way of processing things. NOTHING wrong with that. IF IT WORKS FOR YOU.
But if you CAN NOT ask for help, you are going to be up shit's creek eventually. And be a very lonely person because it makes you seem like you have SUCH high walls around you that you don't really let people in.
Start by either telling your BF this, or show him your post. OPEN up to him. THEN ASK him to teach you how to do the handstand. If he laughs when you look like Bambi on ice while doing it, LAUGH with him, it will be good for the both of you.
LEARN to ASK people for help.
When you get criticized/corrected, go OVER the critique and take it apart. IS the "giver" of the critique right? If so, does he/she offer a way to improve on that? (if not ASK for that).
You might find this link helpful/interesting.
https://www.themuse.com/advice/taking-constructive-criticism-like-a-champ
The next time you receive constructive criticism from your manager or a peer, use this six-step process to handle the encounter with tact and grace.
1 . Stop Your First Reaction. (being mad or upset)
2. Remember the Benefit of Getting Feedback. (you will get BETTER from it, potentially)
3 . Listen for Understanding. (as you are NOT all knowing)
4. Say Thank You. (someone SPEND time TRYING to help you.) Now that doesn't apply for NEGATIVE criticism that is just given to hurt your feeling, but I'm sure you get the point)
5. Ask Questions to Deconstruct the Feedback. (THIS is how you improve)
6. Request Time to Follow Up.
And lastly, OP.... EVEN a cleaner has to follow orders and do things the "right" way. Using the right materials etc.
ACCEPT that in ORDER to be GOOD at stuff you have things to learn. LEARN from others who have in turn been taught by someone else, who was taught by someone else.. etc. etc. YOU are NOT EVER going to just know how to do stuff. THAT is not how life works. Intellectually, YOU know this, you just don't like the fact that there will be times that OTHER people are "smarter" or more knowledgeable than you. That you need to let go off.
SUCK it UP, Buttercup! Or you will be miserable in life.
ASKING for help is not a sign of weakness or lack of smarts... It's a sign of curiosity, willingness to learn and improve and to BETTER yourself.
Start small. Like asking your BF to teach you the handstand. Learning from him, him learning something from you will ONLY improve both your skill-sets AND your relationship.
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