A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My original plan that I had for myself my whole life was to wait until I was married to have sex (not for religious reasons, I'm just traditional). I'll try to make a long story short: last year I met a guy and fell in love quick. I thought we had the best summer together, I know we did have strong feelings for each other the first couple of months. I've had a few boyfriends before but nothing like this (I thought). A couple of weeks before my 23rd birthday I had sex with him/lost my virginity to him, being pretty impulsive and thoughtless (not usually like me). A month or so after we started having sex I found out that he had spent 2 days with another girl and cheated on me. He wouldn't answer my calls so I texted him and I never heard back from him again, ever, it's been months (not that I ever want to see him or talk to him again, I definitely DON'T). We had sex maybe 10 times and I still feel almost as inexperienced as I did before I even had sex.I feel like if we would've had a longer relationship or if I had multiple partners I probably wouldn't even consider waiting again. But like I said, I still feel almost as inexperienced as before (not that I'm trying to claim to be a virgin again) and my experience wasn't a good one.I'm just wondering how a future boyfriend would feel about this, dating someone who wasn't a virgin but wanted to wait until marriage again but didn't have several partners (if that would even make a difference). Would it be pointless to wait again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): Sorry OP but as a guy I wouldn't be able to accept your reasons and would feel I'm being punished for how some other guy treated you.
I don't date girls who punish me based on their past experiences. I've had the misfortune of dating women with trust issues because they were cheated on, women who wouldn't open up sexually because they got used, the list goes on.
You see it would always make this guy better than me because he got to have something you refuse to give me.
Not only that but there's no chance in hell I'd marry a woman without knowing whether we're sexually compatible or not. OP sexual incompatibility is the worst thing in the world. There is no way I would condemn myself to a life of bad sex or no sex.
I'm too experienced to know that some people don't fit in physical terms, in terms of sexual style and even frequency.
I respect your traditional viewpoint OP, but imagine for one moment on your wedding night finding out that he's crap, or he needs it too rough to be nice for you at all, or physically you're just such a bad fit that you get very little satisfaction or finding out he's a selfish lover, or in the months that follow that he only likes sex once a month.
That to me is not worth the risk. You've already had a pretty bad experience sexually OP, surely this episode should teach you the importance of knowing whether you're sexually compatible or not. I mean you'd be surprised how little it takes to be incompatible with someone sexually. I dated one woman who would never take her top off, so I never got to play with boobs or see her naked and didn't ever want me seeing her face while we were having sex so again I couldn't get off by seeing the pleasure on her face.
My point is OP, waiting is a very good idea, waiting until you're in a serious, loving long term thing is a good idea. But signing a contract to be with someone for life is not a good idea if you only plan on reading the fine print after you sign it. You need to know the guy you're going to spend the rest of your life with is going to be a sexual match for you.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 June 2013):
You have a dilemma, if you hope to marry a guy who values the meaning of sex then he may well feel very undervalued by your choices not to be intimate with him whilst you could with a guy you didn't really know. If your future husband has had some sex partners he may understand you better and not take it the wrong way. But how long would you wait to get married? Probably when you meet the right guy and you both feel like you want to "be married" you will have sex because it feels right, and a marriage certificate won't make much difference. But for now making some personal rules for yourself is the best thing, so you hopefully don't end up with a string of casual flings.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (4 June 2013):
 you are not a virgin that is true. you gave in to a jerk putting another notch on his belt. your not the first girl that has happened too. the dynamics of a dating relationship changes after sex has started. "i am just wondering how a future boyfriend would feel about this,dating someone who wasn't a virgin but wanted to wait until marriage again didn't have several partners.would it be pointless to wait again?" some guys may not be happy waiting, but when you find that special someone that you want to marry he will wait for you. to respect you, and your wishes. is it pointless to wait again? let me put it like this not too many guys wants a girl with lots of experience , or a lot of partners. don't give your self regrets to look back on. the more sex partners you have the less choices you may have to find a good mate. the main thing is not cover your tracks with the past guy, and be honest with the future guy. tell him why you want to wait tell marriage, and that you made a mistake and gave in to the jerk in the past. i wish you well , and hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): A good portion of all the women on earth could tell a similar story about losing their virginity in circumstances "not usually like them" to a jerk they wanted no part of within a few weeks. A good portion of all the adult virgin women would love to be able to try out having premarital sex a dozen times, with the option of going back to being virgin if they don't want to continue doing it. Sorry honey but you are sexually active. Its time for pregnancy and STI testing, not reasoning with yourself that you are still mostly a virgin.You are correct in worrying about how guys will accept you wanting to wait until marriage now. No guy is very pleased about waiting until marriage with a girl who slept with someone else already. You still have every to wait for marriage now. But there are a lot fewer guys willing to wait for you now than there would have been before you slept with this guy.However there is still a lot of value in being less experienced than most. Most men would LOVE for their woman to have had less sexual experience than she did before getting with them. Its a whole lot better for you to have too little than too much in the eyes of most men. If you throw the baby out with the bathwater and start sleeping around casually now then you will probably live to regret it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): I agree that with the others that it's ultimately down to your personal feelings rather than any partner's. I personally would have a problem with it if someone who wasn't a virgin wouldn't have sex until marriage - but that doesn't mean I'm right. It just means you and I are not compatible. You'd have to find someone who understands and respects your position because they are on the same wavelength.But I'm sensing that you are not sure about what you want to do so I'll help you see your question from different angles and then you can take the reins from there :-)'I feel like if we would've had a longer relationship or if I had multiple partners I probably wouldn't even consider waiting again. But like I said, I still feel almost as inexperienced as before (not that I'm trying to claim to be a virgin again) and my experience wasn't a good one.'To me it sounds like you don't regret losing your virginity. Nor do you necessarily regret the act of sex with someone you weren't married to. You just regret that you don't feel like a sex goddess after the experience with the one guy. It sounds to me like you don't want to pass yourself off as sexually experienced to someone and then disappoint them with your 'inexperience' since you believe they'd be expecting you to be a guru if you're not a virgin. You are looking at sex in black and white and you're not quite sure where you fit in...To help you decide whether you want to wait until marriage or not- I'll encourage you to focus on the quality of the relationship. Avoid these mistakes again;- I met a guy and fell in love quick. I know we did have strong feelings for each other the first couple of months.- I had sex with him, being pretty impulsive and thoughtless Get to know him for a good few months and take it slow. Don't attach heavy labels like 'love' until you know him at his best and his worst and until you're sure he has the sort of qualities you admire. Don't have sex thoughtlessly.I guess all I'm saying is not all sexual relationships outside marriage are as unsatisfactory as what you've experienced. Equally, marriage doesn't guarantee that sex in the relationship will be good.Don't worry so much about before or after marriage. Focus on having sex only with someone you know, love and trust completely, someone you can see yourself marrying; and then sex between you won't be regrettable - whether you do stay together or not in the long run.Hope that's helped
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 June 2013):
 This is YOUR question.... so ONLY YOU can answer it!!!!
IF you feel that you want to wait until you're married before you enjoy intimacies - despite this unpleasant experience that you've included, herein - then, do so....
It's of no importance what "others" say/feel/think or do about sexual experience..... Stick to your guns.....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 What a future boyfriend thinks is actually irrelevant. The entire point is that YOU want to wait for YOUR reasons. You don't feel comfortable having sex outside of marriage. Just because you aren't a virgin doesn't mean any guy you date from now on is entitled to have sex with you! You know that, so why even ask what a future boyfriend will think?
What do you mean by "if it would be pointless"? You still have that traditional mindset, so yes... it makes sense to only do what you feel comfortable doing. Just because you ate a food you dislike doesn't mean you have to continue eating it... you still don't like it and it isn't for you.
However, you'll have to explain. You simply say, you don't want to have sex before marriage. That you're not a religious person, but you feel it is the best thing for you. You're not comfortable having sex outside of marriage. That you did try it once, but that you concluded with being right all along: it wasn't for you. So you wont do it again.
DON'T go into details about how many times you've had sex, how inexperienced you feel, or how that guy cheated on you etc. Things like that are private, and a new boyfriend honestly doesn't want to know any more than you want to know the details of how many he's bedded, kissed, how many times this or that. He doesn't want to know, so don't tell. It's actually impolite to tell, because if you start talking about what you and your ex did in bed, that also means you'll start telling details about what you and your new boyfriend does. It is tactless.
One of the things my boyfriend pointed out when he started dating me, was how safe he felt. Because he knew I wasn't someone who did my laundry in public, I never brought up and ex or problems we had or complained to others about it (except for my very closest friends). So he trusted that if he made a mistake, or did something weird in the bedroom, I wouldn't make a laughing stock out of him in public. Because some girls do that, they share intimate details from the bedroom. And it is embarrassing. So by keeping shut you present yourself as a solid and dependable person. By spilling the details you come off as easy and unreliable.
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