A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am stuck and am open to advice.My cousin and I have been close as "brother-sister" while growing up. She is a few years older then me but we are both in our twenties.I have always had a crush on her but when we were teenagers while at her parents place I over heard her masturbating. Ever since then I masturbate to thoughts of her regularly and I am now thinking of her while having sex with my girlfriend.I just recently opened up to her and told her how I felt about her. She allowed me to flirt via text with her to vent my feelings which has helped. I asked my cousin if she is attracted to me but she said no. I also tried to sext or ask for a photo which she also said no to.How should I go about this? I had considered asking if she would let me masturbate to her but I don't want to come across as a creep. Is there another alternative that I can ask her to some how both of us compromise? Please advise as I would like to some how be satisfied so I can move on.Thank you for your input.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 January 2015):
 Asking to masturbate to her? How many "no"'s does she have to put up with before you get the picture?? She isn't interested in you like you are with her. To keep pushing puts you close to borderline stalking with hints of sexual assault.
From a woman's perspective, a guy who keeps coming onto her with sexual propositions will start feeling violated. Once she has said no, that's where it should end with you. Your personal fantasies need to be private. Asking her to masturbate to her is disgusting, and what you're doing is trying to get to her by the asking of it, like the voyeur who flashes his penis to strangers and gets off on their repulsed reactions or a guy who purposely gropes women or grinds against them in crowded trains or subways.
If you cannot control yourself, you need to seek professional help before you start doing things that will get you registered as a sex offender.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): I find this whole situation creepy already. First, she is your cousin. First cousin?
So what you heard her masturbating? It doesn't make you entitled to anything.
We all have fantazies, but we don't actually turn them into reality. What's in your head no one sees, but if you act on it then it becomes creepy
You can think of whoever while having sex with your girfriend if that's what you do, but it needs to stop at that. And she doesn't need to compromise with you on anything. She said, no, that's should be good enough for you. .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 January 2015):
 WiseOwlE put it VERY simple. NO mean NO. and that mean you STOP asking.
And honestly, there is NO way you won't come across as creepy.
My advice?
STOP thinking your dick is the center of the Universe and that woman are here to help you please yourself. Seriously! Get over it.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (28 January 2015):
Dont ask her, for all your sakes. You have a girlfriend, and your cousin has made her feelings (or lack of) clear. Arent they enough reasons not to?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): What you are doing is wrong on so many levels.
Firstly is sexual harrassment since she's already said no but you insist on forcing sexual elements into your relationship. Cousin or no cousin, she said NO. Accept that and leave her well alone. Your feelings are your problem. Deal with them without involving her.
Secondly, it is unacceptable for you to be soliciting sexual content of any nature with a woman other than your girlfriend; unless you agreed to have an open relationship. Do her a favour and break up with her. She deserves better.
Finally, women are not there to accommodate your sexual needs. Please start respecting them as such and do not force yourself on others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): "No" is a word that offers no compromise. It's point is absolute. If you hear the word "maybe," there is an open-end possibility.
Your cousin said NO to everything you've asked. Yet you persist.
You may need to re-study the boundary-lines of blood ties; and appropriate behavior within family connections. You know you will not stop at masturbation. You'll desire actual sex. You have not stopped to think of how this may be effecting her psychologically, or you may be frightening her. She knows you well, but when you're persistent; it's an indication you don't respect her wishes.
When it comes to sex, there are lines you shouldn't cross toward family. You shouldn't offend your cousin by seeking permission to do so. Opening up your feelings for her, was really more than enough. Having easy access and exploiting her closeness; places someone who cares about you in a very compromised and uncomfortable situation. You're forcing her to reject and want to escape from you. Hopefully, she will not be forced to tell anyone. Your behavior could be interpreted by others in so many ways that could hurt you.
You're too old to attribute your lack of judgement in this area to youth or innocence.
You didn't force her to do anything; but you have jeopardized the closeness you once shared.
She may feel obligated to respond when you contact her; but you must have creeped her out in ways words cannot describe. Get out and start dating women, and search outside your own DNA; if you want to involve sex in the relationship. You love her, and she loves you too; but not in that way. She allowed you (or relented) to flirt via text; but you pushed the envelope by yet again asking for something more sexual.
STOP!!! WHEN A WOMAN SAYS NO, SHE SHOULD ONLY HAVE TO SAY IT ONCE!
Others have been gentle with you, but I will firmly suggest that you pursue this no further.
Apologize to her, and never approach her in that way again. No one can tell you how to think, or what to fantasize about. Let that be enough. Start dating, and open yourself up to women willing and available to satisfy your sexual needs. You're far past your adolescence; so you now have to allow maturity and restraint to prevail. Continue, and the consequences may be very difficult for you to deal with. Assume you have already come across to her in a creepy way. That's very hard to undo. Showing respect and restraint helps. Put some distance between you; while you regroup your feelings, and retract your advances. Having crushes on cousins happens all the time. Making heavy passes at them is different.
Inappropriate messages are evidence you are still coming on to her, after she clearly resisted. Please remember that.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 January 2015):
Deal with your minor obsession in a way that doesn't make you seem like a creep... Because asking your "brother/sister" cousin if you could jack off to get is going to make you sound like a creep no matter how you put it.
And let me tell you: if she allows it you're only going to want more. It's not like it'll go away.
If you can afford it counseling would be a good idea. If you can't then just stop indulging yourself. With time it should go away.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Agreed with Ciar - you have already put your cousin in a very awkward situation by confessing your feelings to her, and I guarantee you are coming across as creepy even if that's not your intent.
She is under no obligation to "compromise" with you about any of this. The fact that she's related to you doesn't give her any extra duty to try and work with you on this, it just makes things particularly awkward for her because she can't cut you out of her life the way she might be able to do with an acquaintance who made uncomfortable requests. I have a feeling you wouldn't continue to hound a stranger for sexual concessions after being rejected, so why on earth would you do it to a family member who in your own words is like a "sister" to you? People, ALL people, have the right to choose whom they become intimate with, whether that intimacy is physical or emotional or both. BOTH parties have to want the intimacy or it's harassment at BEST and a crime beyond that.
Suppose your girlfriend (or your mother, or your best female friend, or your little sister if you have one) came to you saying a man she knew but didn't have feelings for had asked her for sex and, after she told him no, demanded nude photos of her as a "compromise." Would you, with her best interests in mind, suggest she send him the photos? Of course not. Well, this is the position in which you have put your cousin, and she is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to deny you.
What you are doing is not fair to your cousin and it's also not fair to your girlfriend, so you NEED to move past it, and you need to find a way to do that without pressuring your cousin for pictures you have no right to request. If you find that moving on from this is causing you difficulty you may wish to speak to a professional counselor. In your shoes I'd seriously consider it.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (27 January 2015):
Dude, the idea of having someone you have a brother sister relationship with jacking off to you is not pleasant or flattering. It is creepy and gross.
Your fantasies are yours and yours alone. Keep them to yourself and stop telling her about it, FFS. Nobody is stopping you from masturbating to whoever you want. Plenty of guys masturbate to Meghan Fox but (hopefully) they don't all track her down to tell her about it, and the ones that do are creeps.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (27 January 2015):
 To be honest, you already are coming across as a creep.
You confess to, not a romantic attraction, but a sexual one to a cousin you've admitted to having a 'brother-sister' relationship with. She's already declined your previous invitations to use her for your own sexual gratification, so what makes you think she might acquiesce to this one?
She has no control over your thoughts so why should she have to endure the discomfort of them?
Bloody well grow up and leave the woman alone, for God sakes.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 The more you feed this inappropriate desire, you won't move on.
She is your cousin and, even worse, you claim to have a "brother-sister" relationship. A teenage crush is one thing, and normal, but this is growing because you're nurturing it and she, whatever her intentions, is enabling you. She has said no, there is no compromise and never should be one. You don't get over a crush by satisfying yourself with it.
She needs to realise what she's doing isn't helping and you need to back off and focus on your girlfriend or break up with her and be single. Either way, you need to let go and move on, WITHOUT a "compromise".
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Don't ask her! She isn't attracted to you and you already have a girlfriend.
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