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I had brief intercourse with a stripper during a lap dance... should I tell my wife?

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 December 2007) 41 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2008)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I’m felling real guilty about what happened to me at a strip bar. I’m a happily married man, ten years married with two kids. I go to strip bars, my wife lets me and its never been an issue. She goes out with her friends too, and admittedly been to male strip bars a few times too. That’s not a big issue with us.

But this last time I had this stripper do a lap dance with me in a private room. Of course you get an erection, that’s part of it; she was feeling it and got turned on. Well during the dance she actually unzipped me and pulled out my penis! What was I to do? Throw her off me and protest? Well I could not stop her...she straddled me and inserted me inside her! It didn’t last long, but there she was riding me for a couple of beats, not even a minute. No I didn’t cum, but came very close. The dance was over and I paid the standard dance fee, and we parted ways.

First of all I didn’t ask for this kind of dance, I know she got carried away, we hit it off, and she liked me. She knew I was married. Please don’t judge me because I was basically raped for what it worth! My buddies who went to the bar with me know all about it. They know I’m mortified with guilt about it. They tell me I should forget it and not tell my wife about it. But I’m feeling guilty about it. I know I wasn’t asking for that…it was enjoyable, but I didn’t want it!

I know this is isolated and I have never cheated or wanted to cheat on my wife. I know that’s not going to happen again…that kind of thing never happens, until now.

I want to know if I should I tell my wife about it? I know this will kill her….I don’t know if this break us up. We are very happy together, and I never had an issue like this come between us. Of course I was worried I might have caught something, and I got tested, all clean.

In my mind I didn’t cheat….or did I? What should I do?

View related questions: erection, lapdance, married man, my penis, stripper

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008):

ok no problem you have understood thankyou love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (29 February 2008):

dearkelja agony auntI accept your apology. I was raped at 15. It takes a big person to apologize.

Can we end this now?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have already apologized for the rape comment, but it probably was lost in all the messages ...I know it was stupid to say that. I hope you can forgive me for that. It was dumb, stupid and you can hang me for saying it. But again I say I am sorry for using that word and implying that my situation was rape...it clearly was not, and I am admitting it. I do deserve to be stoned for making a stupid remark. I am Sorry!

No, I was not raped and I was WRONG and insensitive to true rape victims for saying it. I AM SORRY!

I want to make this absolutely clear! I AM SORRY!

After being mischaracterized as this evil JOHN, the least you can do is accept my apology if nothing else. Judge me for all the evil if you will, but I did not intend to hurt the feelings of rape victims in making this statement.

I would like at one at least one responder to accept my apology. I am not this evil insensitive monster. We all make mistakes. I made a mistake. I AM SORRY!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008):

Yes I bloody agree with love-him 110% Ive been raped love and It was not in a lap dancing club and I said no about 20times and he stiil continued and I had to then plan my get away by calming myself down so he would stop hitting me and then when he saw id calmed down suggested we carry on in another room!!!!!!!! I managed to escape the toilet I was trapped in and with no underwere and no shoes ran as fast as I could, You have no idea what rape is none what so ever, Im older now and have come past this experience but for the young girls on this site who are still dealing with it you sound hurtfull and stupid and disrespectfull and a bloody fool who is trying to convince himself he did nothing wrong to his wife

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A female reader, love-him United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2008):

love-him agony auntI CANT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD EVEN BE COMPARED TO BEING RAPED.. I WAS RAPED WHEN I WAS 12.. RAPE IS WHERE YOU SAY NO! YOU SAY NO TO THEM DOING IT AND YOU DO PROTEST TO IT! WHERE YOU SAID ''What was I to do? Throw her off me and protest? '' YES YOU SHOULD HAVE THROWN HER OFF YOU AND SAID NO!!

calmly.. after reading this, i actualy think you should not tell your wife, and look at the definition of rape. Your story made me upset, not because i feel sorry for you, because i am so angry you actualy reffered yourself to being raped.

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A female reader, brooke5426 United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2008):

brooke5426 agony auntand fyi, it says "ask for advice". IT IS AN ADVICE FORUM. not a general question and answer forum. you clearly do not know what the site is intended and have no intentions of using it for what it is meant for, you are attacking people and being far too personal and i have reported you. and i hope others will follow suit.

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A female reader, brooke5426 United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2008):

brooke5426 agony auntand how EXACTLY do you know what goes on in these places nowadays?

you remind me of one of those anti-gay groups who overly protest against gay people because they cant face up to the fact that they are gay themselves.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008):

Hi

This is soo funny you just have to laugh you both sound like an old married couple.

Agree what yes I think you have cured him, John hope you have learnd the leasson.

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A female reader, what Canada +, writes (28 February 2008):

what agony auntDear JOHN

Thank you for the complement I am very happy to hear that you would even consider being married to a me (I could never consider being married to a man like you).

I was surprised to hear that you would treat me no whose then you do your wife. You know spending all your spare time in the strip bar not at home. I thought by your answers to me that you did not like me.

Or maybe you a trying to tell me that you dislike me as much as your wife and that is why you would treat me the same????

You know spending all your spare time in the strip bar not at home.

If YOU think your answers make you look better now and YOU are now relieved of all guilt do you not think you should be thanking me for making you better. See I guess I am a therapist and my views are really good advice I CURED JOHN DID EVERYONE READ WHAT JOHN SAID HE'S CURED BY A CANADIAN AT THAT.

JOHN you know you did read the last reply and are reading this one now. You need that attention so bad you will look anywhere to get it.

Well I guess your right JOHN my job here is done and you are now cured (dam I am good). I will move on and cure some other poor guilt ridden cheating JOHN and relieve him of his guilt. Just think this cost you nothing and at the strip bar they charge to listen and give advise.

I will be looking for your next entry. "MY WIFE FOUND OUT THAT I HAD BRIEF SEX WITH A STRIPPER AND SHE IS DEVORCING ME...SHE WON'T BELIEVE THAT I WAS REALLY RAPED BY THE STRIPPER AND HAD NO CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION OR MYSELF...I AM A MAN YOU KNOW!!!!! WHAT CAN I DO????? LOL LOL LOL

I know the last part was real nasty but I just had to do it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear What,

You bore me.

If you were my wife I really would be spending half my life in strip bars....which I don't, but you can't read english, can you? Is it because you're Canadian?

But keep talking. Everytime you reply you make me look better. Wow...now i dont feel so guilty anymore!

Next time you have to preach make it shorter and to the point. No i didnt read you latest replies. I've been nice about reading what you said before but now you are just talking into the wind and nobody's listening! Are you kidding! Don't you have a better use of your time?

ENOUGH!

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A female reader, what Canada +, writes (27 February 2008):

what agony auntBROOKE5426

Bye the way these are QUESTIONS and see down below where it says ADD YOUR ANSWER.

I never said I was giving anyone advice. I am only responding to the question and giving a view on the subject. I am not anyone's therapist and if you are one then you can give advice.

I belong to many blogs and so far you and JOHN here are the only persons that I have run into that do not like the way I put stuff. Now I can promise you that I am not going away because I am not breaking any rules. This is the way I write my views and if you do not like them do not read them. It is that simple. Your choice.

There are a lot of other answers that are as direct as mine. Did you read the one from the dancer. Do not want to piss her off a JOHN. I do not see you attack their charters, intentions or objecting to their views. Could it be because I can discribe the situation and the place so clearly that it bothers you both. Hate to have the world really know what goes on in these places now a days. Reality can be nasty at times.

Now read the new answer. You see I am not the only one with a strong view. Are you and JOHN going to attack this writer.

We are all here because we enjoy sharing views so please keep it to subject and do not attack on a personal level. I do not care that you have the need to call me down or call me names. STick and STones will break my bones but you can never hurt me. Keep it clean and we can all respect each other and get along.

Hope you understand my point but if you do not then so be it.

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A female reader, what Canada +, writes (26 February 2008):

what agony auntOh by the way JOHN my husband wants to know if nothing goes on in these places because they are so well monitored then how the heck did you get the slip of the dick into the vigina? Were you bounced out on you head? Did the stripper get fired? Who was watching? Wheres the film? Were you stopped on the spot? You respected this women yet you had sex with her?

The stripper visa in Canada was canceled because of human trafficking in the sex industry. So are some of these women slaves YES YES YES.

It does not matter where a women is abused the fact is she is abused at all. Abuse is not just physical, it can be mental, emotional and spiritual etc.

By the way my husband was a musician for 45 years and strippers were all paying their way through school or had children they had to feed at home. It was a little more believable because back then they did not have student loans or welfare.

You say you would never cheat, lie, or disrespect your wife because you love her. So my question to you is was this. Was this original question a fake situation and you just need attention. Because you first say you did the deed and then you say you did not.

Believe me you deserve everything you get in life. I do not go to church but maybe it would be a good place for you to start. I am not the one who wronged my partner you are so take the crap you asked for and deal with it. Yes my words were strong and obviously they offended you. I doubt very much if you got the point. You are not very good at backpedaling. And why do you keep coming back for more. Go on with your life as you have chosen but you will never have my approval for what you did. IF I HAVE NOTHING INTELEGENT TO SAY ATTACK.

Do you understand anything I wrote or are you so ridden with guilt that you make stuff up. Do not read between the lines you tend to get very confused. I noticed you have nothing to say about From me: or my finial Human. Take a stab at it maybe you can find a way to justify yourself by damming that too.

You sure managed to make a 180 and get your life in order. Do I believe a word you said NO NO NO. You do not just start acting and thinking differently instanteously because you spilled your guts on line. It takes time to change. Hay maybe your one of those miracle cases. Calling DR. PHYLL....You are so full of Crap.

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A female reader, what Canada +, writes (26 February 2008):

what agony auntWhy is it that everytime someone takes a strong stand to something people get up set. I guess THE TRUTH HURTS applies and maybe SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL AND SPECK NO EVIL. This is an open discussion and I will state a view weather you like them or not. I am not here to pamper anyone but I will definitely give you something different to think about.

Brooke5426 should someone tell you that it is obvious to everyone here that you have never been in a strip club and you have never known a stripper. That would be a judgement with out any fact to back it up... now wouldn't it. Not like you I can hold my own and I do not have to resort to attacking an individual based on a lack facts. I do not know you and there fore I will not say your statements are lies like you have done to me. Before you start damming what I wrote maybe you better read the rest and do some research. Brooke5426 there are a lot of sites with information about the sex industry and plenty of research studies done on this topic.

I worked in clubs for years mainly B rooms and have been friends with many strippers/prostitutes as a matter of fact my best friends niece was a stripper. They are all nice girls but some are really messed up. By the way a bar in my daughters town Minnedosa Manitoba Canada called the South End had their liquior licinece for entertainment taken away because I reported exactly what I stated as going on. Seen this first hand.

Brooke5426 You may have known the ones paying their way through college or university and you have only experienced the so called better strip clubs A rooms. Have you gone in these private areas with your stripper friends and watched what happens, have you watched the tapes? Now I have seen with my own eyes and I have known the ones paying their way through pimps, drug dealer, alcohol and running from their pasts. The bars and the conditions they work under are not all that great. But that is a whole new topic for discussion.

I love my gender and that is why I can see how damaging and dangerous life is for the sex workers. If these occupations were so healthy for them then these people would be the healthiest people in the world. In Vancouver British Columbia Canada we have just had the biggest trial on the murders of 50 + women in the sex trade industry. In small towns there is even less protection for stripper/prostitutes when it comes to the bar life. I understand where you get your PRETTY WOMEN view from but you should now understand where I get My NOT SO PRETTY WOMEN view from and PRETTY DOES NOT REFER TO LOOKS EITHER.

As far as you go JOHN You asked and I told you. If you do not want any further input then take you question out and if you did not want to hear what others thought then you should never have posted the question. As far as your feelings go do not put your dirty laundry out there and expect just fresh smelling laundry back.

You did not ask me what I thought of your recent renewed love life with your wife.

I am not the one paying another person to fill my emptiness with their naked bodies. I do not pay for someone to rub their naked body against me to make me fill good. I do not go to the strip clubs and pay little girls to please me. You do. First you try and say how innocent you are then you tell us your raped and now you profess to know the life of every women in a strip club. You are so full of crap JOHN.

I do give talks to young girls on self esteem and self respect (and this includes my grand daughters and grand sons)

I do work in the soup kitchen.

I do take the time to talk to street people and buy them a something to eat or give them money.

I do sit in the hospitals and rock the little crack and HIV + babies to sleep.

I do walk the streets and try and help get the prostitutes to go to the shelters for food, clothing, and medical care.

I do go to the strip clubs and talk to the broken lonely girls taken advantage of JOHN.

From what you have told me JOHN do none of these things so do not judge me. You know you are guilty and you believe your guilty. You do not need anyone to tell you you are a liar and cheat. If you were hoping for understanding and compassion for your transgressions that is only something your wife can give you not strangers and you still have not told her have you.

Do not try and make me look hateful and guilty like you I am not the one using another human being as an object of entertainment and pleasure you are.

I sure gotten under a few peoples skin and let me reassure you Brooke5426 and JOHN that is what I can do and I obviously do it well. Captain of the winning debate team 3 years in a row.

I could have taken JOHN's side but I chose not to. By the way JOHN you never did say what your name was so I thought JOHN was good. Want me to use another name then pick one.

TRANSFERING BLAME AND DENIEING ANOTHER OF THEIR RIGHT TO STATE THEIR FACTS SHOWS THAT YOU DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

Your wife is too trusting. You are a sad man having to go to one of those sleazy dives, but to do what you did is sick. Rape? you don't know the meaning of the word.

Strip clubs are for dirty sad old men. Strippers ARE prostitutes, they get paid to take off their clothes and god knows what else.

Have some self respect, as for your wife, she should be told.

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A female reader, brooke5426 United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2008):

brooke5426 agony auntoh and to the person who asked for the advice in the first place: I'm glad you have been able to move on from this and put it behind you. Also, I too refered to you as "john" but i meant it in a broad term as in, it could be any Tom, Dick or Harry in your situation. But re-reading what "what" wrote, i'm guessing calling someone A john can be a derogetory term? never heard of that and it looks like she meant it in a totally different context to how i meant it. just clearing up that trans-atlantic slang-barrier!

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A female reader, brooke5426 United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2008):

brooke5426 agony auntwoah woah woah woah WOAHHH! What: i'm sorry but i gotta butt in here. That's not advice that is an attack. And you are being unbelievably ignorant about strippers. I know strippers. They are good girls who work nights at strip clubs to pay for the university courses they work so hard at during the day. One of them is graduating this summer and will be a lawyer, another graduates in december when she will be a fully qualified nurse.

They are not prostitutes and your description of what their work involves is so far off the mark i didnt even read all of what you wrote! This particular stripper who John writes about crossed the line and could lose her job for having sex with a customer. Your ignorance is astounding and your answer was not helpful or contributory at all.

"She first sexually arouses the JOHN by stripping then by rubbing her naked body all over the JOHNS face and genitals. If agreed upon he can touch, kiss, fondel, suck and lick her breast, butt including the anus and Vigina."

that is a blatant lie. NONE of that happens in a reputable strip club.

i took extreme offense to your answer, so i can imagine how John felt at your attack on him and i'm astonished your answer was even published. the rest of my opinion on your narrow-minded, never-made-a-bad-decision-in-your-life, better-than-everyone view on other peoples lives will be made clear in a private message.

peace and love

Brooke

xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear What,

i got respect for what you have to say, but i seriously think you are over-dramatizing the situation here. I already told you its resolved now and yesterdays news. You talk about women being the object of hatred but all I heard in your reply is pure hatred not only to me, but to the women who work in strip bars like they are prostitutes. Hey, I'm no angel and neither are many of the woman that work in this business, but to call me a John and them prostitutes is going way to far, and shows me that the real hatred comes from YOU. What happens in these clubs is more innocent than you want to believe, and what happened to me was isolated and one questioner even doubted me…that’s how isolated a situation it happened to be. These women are not in this business like slaves... They are in this job because they choose to do it, and they make good money doing it. The conduct that men have in strip bars is enforced by bouncers who watch over these women constantly. If you do step over the line, you get kicked out. This not a situation of men abusing women. And if it ever happens it is stopped on the spot.

More real abuse to women happens in real marriages and relationships not strip bars. You should be talking about battered wives. You should be talking about women who are beaten by the monsters who happen to be their boyfriends or husbands. Children are abused by bad parents too, and the abusers, women included, should be locked up for life in my opinion.

So after all your name calling and hatred spewed, what you fail to understand is I do love my wife more than you will ever know, and I respect her and would never harm her the way you seem to characterize me. I would never harm or abuse my kids. You are talking about some other guy, not me. If you walk into my shoes you know I’m not this monster you made me out to be.

And these women who work in strip bars…show a little respect for them. They happen to be average women who have kids and are trying to make a living and do some good in their lives. Lets be a little nice here. Your rant reminds me of the freaking church lady wanting to call everybody Satin. You got problems lady, it ain’t me.

You can hate me all you want. I don’t have to apologies to you, and I don’t have any shame, and I’m sorry if that bothers you. Save your hatred for someone who really deserves it.

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A female reader, what Canada +, writes (25 February 2008):

what agony aunt You are not a man but you are a liar, cheater, disrespectful and a loser. You lie to yourself about what you really are.

I feel sorry for your children to have a parent who would rather spend money on booze and sex rather then spend it having a good time with them. Maybe you should spend more time with your wife also. You never know maybe you would really love and even like her. I will not except the statement that your wife agrees seeing since this is coming from liar, cheat, disrespectful, quilted loser and not her.

I would not say for a minute that you and your wife have a marriage of value, substance, trust and respect. You are looking for outside sex and you got some.

Do you feel guilty or are you bragging. Men love to say no one gets to have sex with a stripper as if the stripper is someone so above the rest of the sex industry workers. What a pile of crap. Men can justify anything and buy making us believe that sex is not part of a strip club activity or the reason they go there then it makes it alright.

Strippers are prostitutes and that is a fact. Lets clear the air about where you JOHN hang out. Strip Clubs are just another name for whore house, slut clubs, skank joints, sex bars, porn bars etc.

The prostitute/stripper is an above average looking female so she gets to strip and show her goodies to the men prior to purchase. The prostitute/stripper prances around on stage and master bates, fondles, plays with herself and acts out sexual acts to specifically sexually arouse the men and she involves the men directly in her performance at times. Then she goes out into the club and sells her body. Some sell a little more then others but they all pretty much do the same.

Now lap dancing ALSO KNOW AS DRY FUC..ING is done with the prostitute/stripper. She first sexually arouses the JOHN by stripping then by rubbing her naked body all over the JOHNS face and genitals. If agreed upon he can touch, kiss, fondel, suck and lick her breast, butt including the anus and Vigina. When he is ready she grinds her vigina, breasts, face or anus against the clothed mans penis which is UNDER HIS PANTS usually the man has a condom on so he can ejaculate in it.

YES FOR THOSE OF YOU IN DEINIAL THIS IS SEX BOUGHT AND PAID FOR. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE PENITRATION TO HAVE SEX. Sex comes in many forms VIGINAL, ORAL, ANAL, SPOKEN, VISUAL,

FANTIZIED ETC.

But as you JOHN have told us the lap fuc..ing you got was done NO condom directly into the Vigina. The PIMP IS THE CLUB OWNER, the PROSTITUTE IS THE STRIPPER and the JOHN IS YOU.

These women do not give anything away for free.

And buy the way she was not into you JOHN she is into your money. THIS women makes her living pretending. THIS IS YOUR FANTASY NOT HERS. You paid for sex and you got what you paid for. On your way to the private room you JOHN and the prostitute/stripper decided on what the money was buying. So do not pretend that you did not know what was going to happen.

Now what you need to ask yourself is how many other men that day paid for the same and were they all disease free? Not all prostitutes use condoms and in your case this is a fact. Well I have always said losers attract losers and boy does this ever prove it.

Do you have any females in your life example daughters, sisters, nieces? Would like them to be prostitutes/strippers, escorts etc.? These women you use for your sexual gratification are someones daughters, sisters and nieces. The majority of these young women could be your daughter or niece. Do you understand the point I am making.

I would like to mention at this time that if you and your wife were married in a Christian ceremony then you better read your bible or go to bible study and learn what a Christian marriage is. You will find out that you have both broken the laws of marriage and one of the ten commandments. If you had a civil marriage then it is what you both agree to that counts.

1. YOU WERE NOT RAPED YOU ARE A JOHN...sex was bought and paid for.

2. YOU ARE A CHEATER...because according to you your wife and you already decided that this is OK

3. YOU COULD BE DISEASED AND SPREADING IT... and this is why you should tell your wife

4. GO SEEK HELP FOR YOUR SEXUAL PROBLEMS AND BY THIS I AM TALKING ABOUT THE 3 MINUTE TIDY.

I HAVE TO ASK.

1. WHAT KIND OF MALE uses PROSTITUTES/STRIPPERS FOR SEXUAL RELEASE?

2. DO THEY HAVE PREMATURE EJACULATION PROBLEMS??? COME ON 3 MINUTES!!!! COULD THIS BE THE BRIEF INTERCOURSE THAT YOU JOHN REFER TO IN THE TITLE lol?

3. IF YOUR NOT A STRIPPER AND YOU WOULD ACT THIS WAY MEN CALL YOU A COCK TEASER INSTEAD OF A BEAUTIFUL DANACER WHY?

4. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE TO SPEND TO GET OFF IF IT COST 20 BUCKS FOR 3 MINUTES AND IT TAKES YOU 15? DO THE MATH.

I could ask forever but you get the picture. Guys find yourself an nice lady go to a movie, dance and or dinner and have a real relationship with a real women. Love with sex with the right person will cost nothing. The movie, dance and dinner will cost you something.

From me: I AM A WOMAN AND MY BODY IS NOT FOR SALE. I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF TOO MUCH TO BE SOLD AS A OBJECT OF PLEASURE, TO BE USED AS A CURE FOR LONELYNESS, TO BE VIEWED AS A POSSESSION AND AS A DISPENSIBLE ITEM. I AM A HUMAN BEING NOT A COMODITY.

Did you know: WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE THE MOST ABUSED PERSONS IN THE WORLD AND THEIR ABUSERS ARE MOSTLY MEN. WOMEN ARE THE MOST DISLIKED PERSONS...WE ARE DISLIKED BY MEN AND BY OTHER WOMEN.

HAVING DESIRES MAKES US HUMAN

BEING HUMAN IS TO HAVE DESIRES

RISING ABOVE OUR DESIRES MAKES US MORAL

HAVING MORALS MAKES US RESPECTFUL

HAVING RESPECT AND MORALS MAKES US HUMAN

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008):

If your wife is agreeing ,with letting you go to strip clubs, she should be ok with the rest. That relationship, is not too healthy to me, if you need to have this kind of excitement.

I advise you to look into your own life, and see if you have any problem deeper down .. Maybe you are not in the right place right now. Take care

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (11 February 2008):

hello1 agony auntSounds all good, the reason I wanted you to tell her is because I don't feel you can be trusted in a strip club. As your not going there anymore, I see no problem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey, just wanted to say thank you for the responses. After weighing all sides I decided it wasn’t worth worrying my wife over it, so I have swallowed my guilt and decided to keep this quiet forever. The reason I’m not telling her is because I love her. Whether or not our marriage survives is not the issue. I just don’t want to hurt her, that’s all. It is over and it won’t happen again. I haven’t gone back to that place. And I’ve only spent time in those bars with my friends, which has been just a couple times since that happened. The guilt is gone, my wife and I are happy and that’s in the past, and I’m not looking back. I think I did the right thing.

But I wanted to address one thing that I got beat up on in regard to a dumb statement I said that what happened was “basically rape.” I did overstate that. That came out wrong and I deserved the beating. I didn’t say it was rape but “basically rape.” I never called myself a rape victim and maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that word. But as it happened I did not want to have this intercourse, and I don’t care what anyone thinks…it happened in the heat of the moment…this girl was on top and she did surprise me. Sure I could have shoved her off, but she could have called a bouncer and things would have blown up and who knows what. Yes I did freeze up there...so kill me. Fact is if I wanted to I could have taken it further then there and met her in a more private place to finish what was started. I didn’t. If I really were out to cheat on my wife I or any other guy would have taken advantage of this. I don’t expect a pat on the back for not taking advantage of this, but at least consider that.

I do know the definition of rape and sexual assault. This wasn’t rape. Maybe I will call it a “semi-involuntary sexual encounter.” If I offended anyone by using the rape word, I’m sorry.

Was it cheating? I can still debate it. Was it rape? Definitely no! Am I ever going to tell my wife about it? Never. I already learned my lesson, and not only will it never happen again, I’ve become closer and nicer to my wife and things are already better. That’s all that matters.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008):

I think all the female opinions about how much control men have our sexual drive should be taken with a grain of salt. It's quite self-righteous of them to presume to know how much control men have. There is a reason a sex-hungry woman can easily get laid, even if she's unattractive...

As far as whether or not you cheated, only you can answer that. Unfortunately, there is no black and white. Personally, I tend to think that when I masturbate to porn that is a form of cheating. I am stealing something that really belongs to my fiance. But, I am not critical of people who have other views. I only use what applies best to my own life.

The overarching issue here, however, seems to be your feeling of guilt and your desire to rid yourself of it. I certainly do not hold with the idea that you should simply "tell her if you love her." Open communication is a necessity in an adult relationship, but you have your wife and your children to protect. If you can honestly say that telling her is the loving answer, then by all means, do so. But, real love would certainly necessitate honest self-appraisal in search of the answer to the question, "Am I telling her out of love, or just to relieve myself of guilt?"

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008):

Yeah, bro. You cheated. But everyone makes mistakes. You made one by going to the strip clubs in the first place. Those things are bound to happen in strip clubs, no matter who makes the first move. I hope everything works out with your wife, but you should tell her if you really love her. If you love her, there should be no lies or secrets. You should be able to tell her anything. And no, you aren't a rape victim. You weren't exactly forced into having sex with her. She didn't exactly hold you down, tie you up, or hold you at gun point to get some. It was just an honest mistake by both parts...or, like the person at the top said, some dancer trying to compete with the other dancers to get her customers to come back for more, which is disgusting. Though it isn't fair to judge you, only because too many people in this world cheat anyway, you must own up to your responsibilities because you are a man. So be a man! Man up, and own up to your own mistakes!

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A female reader, louloublahblah United States +, writes (15 January 2008):

Hi Mr Errection,

I am an exotic dancer. I feel disgusting when some horny men pull their penis out when I have a lap dance with them or in the room. I normally jump out of their lap and make a sign so the camera could recorded the violation the club's rule so we have a reason to kick you out before the time out and I have a chance to work with a clean and behave customers and still get your paid. In your case, i don't think that the dancer she was so horny like you think she was ..that her job to make you to believe. she took a big risk for big tip and try compete with other dancers and build her own customers to be back in dirty nasty way and that not even a minute and that could cause a death sentence for you and your wife if you get caugh by HIV or other desease as she does that to every customers for her own sickness making mad money that way.

I won't blame on you for that stupid moment, any horny guy could take that advantage when they paid and have some alcohol and put them in the dark room with beautiful girls and music on and that lucky day they get a dancer converts to be a hooker. If next time that happened...jump out of her and make a sign being unzipped with angry face to the camera if you can...go out and find the management and talk being rapped and you don't need that kind of dance and the dancer was violated..you may get a big money and a free room dance since club hates that troubles.

You don't need to tell your wife as you know what would be happened to both. Just don't let it happened again so you don't have a chance to regret or bring desease home by a hooker. Think ten times when you put your penis to a "strange hole". It could be a poisont snake waiting for the attack..

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A male reader, 4U2NV South Africa +, writes (5 January 2008):

Ok HERE GOES, 1stly Don't you dare compare yourself to a rape victom, coz you coulda stopped it, 2ndly DON'T Lie, You Wanted it otherwise you woulda put you dick back in your pants and and went Home. and 3rdly YOUR wife deserves to know, after what you have done to her, you can atleast do this one thing for her And TELL HER.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008):

Why would you want to hurt her?

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A female reader, eyesramazing United States +, writes (24 December 2007):

What you did was wrong. It IS your fault that you allowed this to happen. Hanging out with the guys and taking in some scenery is one thing... and face it... we can all get sex anywhere, anytime. You thought with the wrong head. Not only did you do your wife wrong, you did your kids wrong too. Ask God for forgiveness, don't let it happen again, and NO you should not tell your wife. Be a good husband and father by being faithful and loyal. How would you like it if she had done that? What if someone did that to your daughter or son? Ever heard of Kharma? Pray it doesn't happen to you.

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A female reader, brooke5426 United Kingdom +, writes (21 December 2007):

brooke5426 agony auntI dont think you should tell her. But only because she doesnt deserve it, not to keep yourself out of trouble.

You could've said no. If it really did happen the way you say and this girl randomly decided she wanted to have sex with you (which should get her the sack btw)then you still could have stopped it. You are an adult male, not a child. You have control over your own body and what happens to it. If you dont want someone touching your penis...tell them! dont let them! you are blaming her to ease your own guilt but it is not her fault. she is not the one who has the wife waiting at home.

but if you really are completely sure you would never cheat again then dont tell your wife. she obviously trusts you very much since she lets you go to these places and you will hurt her more than you can imagine if she knows what you have done. if you can honestly promise YOURSELF it wont happen again then you should spare her the pain because she will only have your word for it and that may not be enough for her.

but stop going to these places. dont put yourself in that situation again.

take care

brooke

x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007):

Yes, you did cheat. You are an adult married male (over 40!?), and you had self-control...plain and simple.Listen, the other Aunts are right. Just stop doing the 'strip club' thing with your friends. It obvious that self-restraint is not a strong character trait of yours. Just happening to be in a private room with a lap dancer, was not an accidental event. There was clear intent, to get your rocks off and this dancer complied...simple as that. So I view it this way. You are a man who instead of building on a marriage of integrity based on solid trust, you have found a unigue way to destroy and demean that very committment and the promise you made to your wife and family. A good , secure, loving marriaige based on respect doesn't need or desire this type of activity.. It's time to start being more responsible man, one with some integrity.. Please take all your excess energy which has been used to derail your sense of commitment with seedy strip clubs and dancers...and begin putting more of that focus into your marriage.

Every single day, your first responsibility is always, always to your wife and family. But now, you've sexually penetrated a women whose sexual history is something, you have no knowlege of. It was unprotected sex. Don't have sex with your wife until you are proven 'totally and completely clean'. As said before, it takes a series of blood tests to ensure you will not pass on a deadly virus to your wife. If you have children, you don't want to risk their Mother becoming ill and suffering a deep, unrelenting loss. You did a stupid thing at the risk of endangering your life, your wife's life and the deep love, in your marriage or do you even comprehend the damage? If you don't, then you are a man with little conscience and i have to stae with sadness, "people are what they choose to do." Be a man and tell your wife what happened and ask for her to forgive you and promise you will never go into strip bars...or make inane decisions to have private lap dances. That all was well within your control. Work through the discomfort and self-humiliation of facing up to what you did. It will not be easy, because you have to face up to YOU, but it's the right thing to do. After doing that, both you and your wife, recommit to living a good, solid life together and start the process of growing up, becoming other involved people and act like a committed married couple. Stop this childish behavior of visiting strip bars and begin to practise something called ...marriage.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (21 December 2007):

eddie agony auntI'm not sure if the question writer understands his mistake. Actually I don't even think it's a true question. What I will say is this, the mechanics of what happened and that fact you were turned on is unimportant and to be expected. We're wired to become turned on. The problem is the lack of respect you showed your wife by allowing it to get to that point. As it was unfolding, you should have put the brakes on. You watched it coming and didn't stop.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007):

Er... my advice would be to not go to strip clubs x

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A female reader, LULU'S Advice United Kingdom +, writes (21 December 2007):

LULU'S Advice agony auntFirst of all,yes you could have pushed her off you,got up,pulled up your trousers and left.Second,if you had been raped,you definately would have known about it.I think this time you've over stepped the mark.It's entirely up to you whether you tell your wife or not.From personal experience,honesty is not always the best policy,but if your wife hears about it from some one else,she will read more into why you didn't tell her straight away.If you have a strong marriage and this is the first,real mistake,then I'm sure you'll be able to work through it but be prepared for trust issues for quite a while. xx

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A female reader, Serinity United States +, writes (21 December 2007):

Serinity agony auntIt amazes me how all the male responses to this post act as if this is no big deal and that it's normal for this kind of situation to happen when going to a strip club. 1st of all, your wife must obviously trust you if she's going to allow you to go to a stip club. After all, it's supposed to be a look but don't touch environment. I think I speak for all of the people who have been violently raped (AGAINST our will) when I say it absolutely disgusts me that you can even relate your situation to being raped. You were excited, you didn't try to stop her, and if she hadn't stopped on her own, you probably would have finished your business. If your situation were considered rape, then we'd have a lot more rape victems in the world. It's not rape unless you decline the invitation to have sexual intercourse and are forced to do it anyway.

In my opinion you are both wrong by going to strip clubs, period. In the bible it states that when your married, even the THOUGHT of adultry is a sin. But if that's the kind of marriage that you have then so be it, that's your decision. But you crossed the line when you LET that slut touch your penis, and you breached your merital vows.

Should you tell her? Of course you should. But will you? Probably not, because your more concerned about her reaction and the punishment that you may have to endure. That's your decision to make. Just remember, we all have to answer to God one day. And if you don't confess your sins and ask for forgiveness, you will be judged for them.

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A female reader, dearkelja United States +, writes (21 December 2007):

dearkelja agony auntI don't think you should compare yourself to a rape victim. Yes, you should have stopped her the minute she started unzipping your pants. What you had was a consensual act, not rape.

Should you tell your wife? Yes. Will she understand? I don't know but your marriage will suffer a lot more if she finds out from somebody else. You need to take some responsibility for your actions and in the future I think you need to avoid these situations.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007):

I'd probably be more concerned with catching a disease right now. DO NOT sleep with your wife until you get tested. Cause if she finds out you cheated and at the same time finds out she got a disease, that's going to ultimately devastate her.

First things first, you should go get yourself tested.

But look I don't know your wife. She sounds really understanding as she encourages you to go to strip clubs and the like. I mean that is something I would never forgive you for. But that's me. Your wife sounds like a totally different personality.

Anyways, of course you should come clean.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007):

If you were raped, you woudlnt be feeling guilty...but you ARE feeling guilty and its because you werent raped. I think you know what you LET happen was wrong, thats why you feel so much guilt. You never said 'no' did you?

You said 'what was i suppose to do'? Well you could of said no for starters and even pushed her away...its not like your a poor innocent 15 year old girl with no muscles and there is this older strong man on top of you...no its more like the other way around! A rape victim doesnt enjoy what happens to them- you got the point where you were about to cum....

Im sorry but you have to come to the realisation that you let this happen and you cant blame the stripper. I dont know if they are even allowed to do that, as far as I know, they arent suppose to...but either way...you cant blame her for you not saying no and trying to put a stop tto it. Sure you may of never planned it, but the fact is you didnt control yourself in the heat of the moment.

I would say this is cheating, no doubt about it.

Should you tell your wife? Well if you dont, this guilt will be you forever, it wont 'wash away' in a few days...unless of course you are a heartless person...but im sure you are not. I think its best to tell your wife. Sure life may be very hard for the two of you once you tell her and you might even break up, BUT if you dont tell her life wont be 100% rosey either, this guilt will make yo miserable and you might even be constantly worried she will find out. So I think you should tell her despiteh how hard it will be.

If you decide not to tell her, I think it would be a VERY bad idea for you to continue going to strip clubs...since you coudlnt control yourself and even if you think you can...its highly disrespectful to your wife.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (21 December 2007):

eddie agony auntAre you sure about this, it does not ring true to me. I've been to strip clubs too, and we've got the real deal here in Canada. First of all, I can't imagine the stripper putting it in you for fear you'd cum. That would be the last thing she'd want to happen in the middle of the strip club.......Anyway, you put yourself in a bad situation and let this happen. Nobody is to blame but yourself. This type of thing is what strippers do for a living, you knew that. Of course you cheated. If your wife went to strip club and some stripper slipped his penis into her while he was sitting on her lap, would you consider it cheating?

Also, HIV, to my knowledge, takes a few months to show up in the blood. If you went for a test right away it might not be accurate.

If as many people know about this as you claim, the secret might get out. I'd tell her.

Don't go to strip clubs anymore. You can not control yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007):

I have recently discovered my fiance had a similar encounter with a lapdancing 'hostess' while getting a'massage'on a stag do with friends in E Europe over the summer. He claims he didn't ask for anything more but didnt' stop her when she touched him in more intimate places. There was no penetration and it was manual relief with oral lubrication and that it was not to completion(or so he says). He says it's never happened before or will again (of course he does!)and that he was very drunk and not thinking straight. He claims he put an end to it within minutes. He says he loves me and that it was a mistake that lasted a few minutes (!) and should never have happened. We are due to be married in the near future and the only reason he told me is because he has discovered he has gonorrhea and I need to get tested. I'm devastated as I've never had reason to doubt his fidelty in the 10 years+ we've been together. I've had no issue with him visiting lap dancing places on this basis and would never have imagined he'd cross the line. I now find myself doubting him and our entire relationship and wondering whether this '5 min mistake' is indicative of bigger things...especially since I don't know what I can believe anymore. Assuming what he says is true and it really was a matter of minutes am I justified in questioning our relationsip/marriage or is this an overreaction?

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (21 December 2007):

hello1 agony auntWell I wouldn't tell her IF you stop going to strip clubs, she trusted you and you betrayed that trust. You also may see that stripper again. If you still want too go then your wife has a right to know what happened.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007):

I wouldn't tell your wife if it was me. Like you said you were basically raped, so its not your fault. Its a once of mistake and you said its never gonna happen again so just forget about it and move on from it.

Does your wife know you go to these bars by the way?

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (21 December 2007):

rcn agony auntThis is up to you. It's something that should not have happened. You ask us not to judge you for it, but you're judging yourself. You need to read the post you wrote and come to realization of it not being your fault then forgive yourself for this. Realize in the future stripper + lap dance could = trouble.

I don't know how long ago this happened. You said you were clean. Get checked again 3 months, 6 months and 12 months. There are certain things that could be caught which have a delayed detection. That way you could really make for sure.

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