A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I had an emotional affair with a work colleague.My wife just WON'T let it go.I have reassured her that I've never loved anyone but her but she won't believe me.I've booked for lunch tomorrow but I sense from her attitude tonight that it will be yet another disaster. She has been very distant and I know that this is a signal she is thinking of my 'affair'.I foresee that lunch will be another opportunity for her to 'grill' me and rub in what I sincerely want to forget as a bad mistake.I love her to bits but her attitude is eroding that bit by bit.How can I convince her that I am sincere? I've tried everything but she is set on believing it meant more to me than I will admit?You will see from my dates that I am no spring chicken and knowing time is not on my side, I just want to make amends and give my wife the love she deserves and live happily ever after what time we have left.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): 'If she keeps throwing it in your face,walk out.The one who loves you will never throw your sins in your face."...SO said a cheating man. bs like this baffles me. can you define a mistake"
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): There are people who forgive their spouses after he goes and PHYSICALLY f**cks and s**ks some other girl's stuff.Emotional cheating is still cheating.If one of my lady friends can forgive her guy after he PHYSICALLY cheated on her,I am sure your woman can do much better.
Murderers are forgiven and still people trust them.You came back to her.You are not interested to continue your affair.You can't do penance for an entire lifetime for a mistake you have done.If she keeps throwing it in your face,walk out.The one who loves you will never throw your sins in your face.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): .....So how was your lunch date with your wife? Did she bring up your affair and how did you react. I personally think you should PM one of the aunts here who is actually struggling with this same thing. I think she may shed more light on her situation, swap notes. Will benefit you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Mate if she can't forgive you,you need to let her make her own choices.You can't live the rest of your life as if you took a knife and tried to murder someone.She can't live the rest of her life thinking about your betrayal and killing herself inside.Be sure not to repeat this again.I am sorry I don't think she will let it go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): I had an emotional affair with a work colleague. -WHY, what did she give you that you felt your wife couldn’t? What did you invest with this other woman?
My wife just WON'T let it go. – Your attitude and unrealistic expectations are a bit too far fetched.
I have reassured her that I've never loved anyone but her but she won't believe me. – how can you say that you have only loved her. Surely this other woman (what doo I call her, your mistress?) meant something. Surely you invested time, energy, affections, thoughts and desires for this woman.
I've booked for lunch tomorrow but I sense from her attitude tonight that it will be yet another disaster. She has been very distant and I know that this is a signal she is thinking of my 'affair'. – why can you not see her raw pain and suffering. Your betrayal is like a surreal. She cannot believe that YOU her beloved hb had an affair. She cannot comes to terms with what you did. So why did you?
I foresee that lunch will be another opportunity for her to 'grill' me and rub in what I sincerely want to forget as a bad mistake. – you now want to conveniently forget that you betrayed your married vows. You now want to forget that you invested in another woman who was not your wife. You now want to forget that you preferred this other woman to your wife. “ Grill you” why shouldn’t she. You have pulled the carpet from under her. Her world has fallen apart. Her marriage is in tatters and you just want her to quit “grilling you”. You DEMAND too much, don’t you?
I love her to bits but her attitude is eroding that bit by bit. – HER ATTITUDE. Darling you cheated, you betrayed your wife and now you complain about her attitude. WTF? How dare you ? Your attitude needs to be evaluated. You eroded your marriage. It was YOU.
How can I convince her that I am sincere? – Sincere that you will not hook up with some one else again or sincere that you would not get caught again. What are you truly sincere about? Sincere that this other woman whom you invested time and effort at the expense of your wife meant nothing. Lies, just a pack of lies uttered by you.
I've tried everything but she is set on believing it meant more to me than I will admit? – you are deluding yourself into believing that your other woman meant nothing. For how long did you lie and cover up your affair? Six months, 1 year?? What investment did you make in your relationship with this other woman. Emails, calls, text messages, any lunches/dinners, time stolen from your wife for your other woman??? How about trying to be 100% HONEST!
You will see from my dates that I am no spring chicken and knowing time is not on my side, I just want to make amends and give my wife the love she deserves and live happily ever after what time we have left. - you may claim to apparently “love” your wife but do you respect her. Where is your compassion for your wife. You are married for a long time I am assuming, perhaps 30+ years. Where was this apparent love for your wife when you were running around with this other woman. Please change your attitude towards your wife. YOU brought in a 3rd party into your marriage. YOU lied continuously and you just expect her to move on. Compassion /Love/ Respect – is this what you have for your wife. You claim her attitude is eroding bit by bit. How foolish of you to expect her to just get over it. Foolish or arrogant or maybe naive. Whatever the case YOU have unrealistic expectation. Can you not feel your wifes pain, her turmoil , her suffering. If you want changes then this change needs to start with you. If YOU change your attitude, and confess fully to the true extent of your affair maybe, just maybe your wife might see some truth in your words. Not being a spring chicken did not stop you from embarking on a life destroying affair. Your mature age is now just an excuse.
Up to now you have been trying to sweep your affair under the carpet. Time to be a real man, stop hiding and come clean. I believe you have not been completely honest with her, your story doesn’t tie up, your feeble explanation is just an insult to her. Maybe then your wife and you can start the long, hard process of marital healing.
Yes I am hard on you. But why are you not realistic. What do you expect from your wife? Are you expecting too much??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR WIFE? ..........for her to JUST GET OVER IT?? seems like you are not remorseful and that you did not learn anything from your affair. you may not be a spring chicken BUT you are a cheater and a betrayer. You need to acknowlege your wrongdoing, you need to acknowledge that you did WRONG. you need to acknowledge that you betrayed and hurt and humiliated and possibly destroyed her. only when you can do this can you slowly start to re gain her trust. you may want to sweep it under the carpet and may want to forget you cheated BUT you need to respect her and work on your marriage. you did not respect her when you cheated, when you lied - why now must she believe you. after all how many lies did you speak. how much did you betray her. you killed a part of her and if you truly truly love her and respect her you will CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE towards her. put yourself in her shoes. what would you have done if she replaced you with a younger model. seems like you wanted to play around without accepting the consequences of your actions
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 February 2010):
Firstly, how long ago did it happen? Huge difference between 6 months and 3 years. But the bottom line is; you were the one who wronged her so you cannot determine the pace at which she recovers. Secondly, men make the mistake of ignoring or not saying anything to the wife during those melancholic moments, fearful they might trigger a fight or remind her of something she would rather forget. But on the contrary, those moments of sadness are the exact moments where you should step up and approach her and offer comfort and the 1 millionth apology and still going. When you ignore her sad moments and leave the room or change the subject, you are basically confirming for her that you don't give a damn about her feelings. So if you are listening Mr., try and offer a soft gentle remorseful apology when she is obviously down; you know its you she is seething about so why ignore it? It will make her feel a lot better and make you appear sensitive.
Thirdly, if the other woman's name still comes up, then as far as you are concerned she is nothing but a piece of trash. If you slept with her then it was the lousiest experience of your life. She is nothing compared to your wife... She smells bad too... You get the point? Coz defending the other woman or extolling her virtues and saying she did nothing wrong is a slap across the face for your wife.
Finally, do little things for her to let her know you care, even if you never did them before or if they are cliché; the fact is they will illustrate that you are making an effort, however clumsy. Examples are leaving her little love notes where you know she will find them, coming home and hiding her favourite chocolate under the pillow, bringing home her favourite dessert, calling her during the day to check up on her etc. Also, sitting her down and telling her you will do whatever she asks that will make her believe you are changed. She will probably keep saying there is nothing you can do but keep offering everytime you see the sad moments. All the best.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (18 February 2010):
 When I was cheated on by my husband we went for countless meals and every one degenerated into a grilling for my husband. You see women cannot move on until every little nitty gritty bit has been discussed so they feel that they know everything that went on. Sometimes you will have to do this over and over especially when she thinks of new questions she wants to ask. Once we feel we have the entire picture ie/ why it started, when , all the info about it only then can we run through the whole scene and decide if we can deal with it. It has to be discussed on your wife's terms until she is happy with it. It takes many many months and sometimes years before a wife will be satisfied that it is over and that she feels that she is top dog again. Often it is the thinking process behind the 'affair' that most upsets the woman and they want to get inside the man's head to see why he did it in the first place. Really the only way to get this over and done with is to discuss it ad infinitum and willingly so every question your wife has is satisfactorily answered.
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A
female
reader, Ria1 +, writes (18 February 2010):
Well, its not going to be better over night! It's not nice when somebody cheats on you, would know if she did it to you! I would suggest, you find out from her, what she is feeling and how she wants it to be! It might be she's having doubts about you and her which is possible! Or she may just need you to leave her alone! You need to talk to her, she has the answers you need!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Well any form of cheating is like having a knife cut through the fabric of your life, it cant just be a kiss and makeup, you need to remind her you are the man she once fell for, she only sees herself as a piece of meat thats not good for anything, cant give her husband the love he wants.How would you feel if this was reversed???
How long has it been since it happened. If your wife has agreed to give your relationship another chance then its up to both of you to move foward, councelling might be a option, you need to have a talk with her, saying that reminding you of your wrongdoings when your trying to make things right aint going to change anything. If she cant or is not willing to move foward then your relationship has no chance. its as simple as that
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2010):
Well as you can imagine it will have come as a bit of a blow to her, and it will be hard for her to let it go. I would suggest that you sit down with her and ask her how she feels and what she would like you to do. And really listen to her. Tell her that you would like her to just be honest and tell you how she feels, and say you will do whatever it takes to fix it. If she won't let go, it's because her mind is still full of all this. She may just want you to listen.
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