A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair with my boss. We are both married. It was clearly an emotional affair for five years and then we crossed the line. I know it was wrong and there’s different reasons on both sides why we went down this path - not an excuse though. His wife started suspecting but he didn’t want to end it. In the end, I didn’t like how I was not being communicated with as far as what was going on (after all I had a lot at risk too), and I couldn’t take the guilt of a double life. So I ended it, not very well as it was abrupt with little discussion. He begged me not to saying he’d change, but i knew it had to happen.He wants to stay secret best friends and he doesn’t want me to leave my job. I’ve tried to explain why I just want a clean break, but he doesn’t seem to get it. If we talk about things he tells me my marriage is going to fail and bad-mouths my husband - which I’ve never done about his wife - he has put the blame of his actions on his wife (ridiculous) - and he’s admitted that he’s staying for the kids and the money; but, that it’s a limited engagement until the kids are grown up. While he asked me to wait for him when the affair was going on, he now is telling me how I’ll get over him with time. He’s right that I still care - a lot - but, I am the one trying to move on. I wish he could be in my life but I know I can’t just shut those feelings off.How can he just pretend nothing happened? I know he doesn’t love his wife (everyone does) and I knew neither of us was going to leave our marriages for the other, but I did believe he cared about me. I believed he loved me. Him being so non-chalant now is making everything feel so worse.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2018): I see that this is left hanging and no one has answered here for a while. It is clear that you are in a difficult situation. You are obviously a capable woman, so I would suggest that you make it your mission to get your life together. I know, that’s what you’ve been trying to do, and it’s easier said than done, but it needs to be done for the benefit of you and your kids. The relationship between you and your husband may not be a particularly good role model for your kids. I strongly suggest that you seek help of some sort, maybe a marriage counsellor or something like that. Discreetly ask around for what kind of professional could help and support you.
Regarding your boss, I think you can see that is going nowhere good. Forgive yourself and him for transgressions, and move on. Again, professional help may be of great help here. In the meantime always be civil and professional in the workplace – nothing else. Regarding your husband, I see no point whatsoever in confessing to him and turning his life upside-down.
You do not have to accept that things will never get better. Be persistent in your quest to improve your life for you and your kids. Do not give up. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2018): I appreciate the feedback and you are all right to judge me. I judge myself regularly for these actions. I had feelings for this boss before I got married. I thought it was a silly crush that would dissolve and I knew he was married so I ignored them. Instead of going away, it escalated and I know I am a big part of that. My husband is great in many ways (amazing father, loves my extended family, cooks dinner everyday), but he’s not perfect. We have no affection, no sex (I get denied regularly), no emotional intimacy (there is little we talk about - including our future - if I bring up the kind of life I want our family to have I hit a wall with him), and most responsibilities fall to me (I am the bread winner, I pay all bills, I schedule all home repairs, I do all household shopping, I coordinate all activities/holidays with our families, I ask him everyday how his day was and I get a grunt in return). The truth is I want my husband to be “the one”. But I know I’m unhappy everyday. And even though I’ve tried to talk to him and tried to get him to go to counseling, it’s a brick wall. This boss could be a bandaid but it was an immediate connection - we want the same things in life, we share so many common interests, we can talk for hours on end. Again, it’s not an excuse - in fact, my actions are inexcusable. I know that.I just don’t know where to go from here. I do love my boss. But he’s not going to leave his wife. I want to give my marriage a shot - but I guess I question why if I’ve been miserable for the entirety of it.Do we have soul mates in this life? Or do we just make it work with what we get?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 December 2018):
 On another note: tell your husband. He deserves to know who he’s married to, so he can decide if he wants to stay married to you. Either way, a clean break from the married guy is necessary for you to move on - of course he won’t want you to because he wants the affair to continue, without him needing to leave his wife - you can’t trust him, but nobody can trust you either.
Please be fair to your husband and own up.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (2 December 2018):
He’s playing you. If you stay you will end up back in bed with him. He knows that all he has to do is bide his time and keep playing his game. The question is do you want your marriage to survive. I don’t know why you would as you clearly love this man and not your husband. If not stay. If you do find a new job and cut of contact with him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 December 2018):
All I will add is: “It was clearly an emotional affair for five years and then we crossed the line“ is rubbish. You crossed the line when the emotional affair started, not when it went further.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 December 2018):
 Stop focusing on him. But on yourself.
LOOK for another job and then switch workplace so you can cut all contact.
What he is saying and what he is doing isn't necessarily the same. Saying he doesn't love his wife but is only staying until the kids hit a certain age... YOU know it's bullshit.
He is using the "typical" almost silent treatment of you. Because it's a way to see if he can control you still, by making you feel like he all of a sudden don't care.
I'm sorry OP, I don't think he cared/cares for you as deeply as you want him to or that you think he does. What kind of man would USE a married woman like he used you?
What will his or your feeling really do to help ANYTHING on your life to get better? You have not only cheated on your husband, but your family AND yourself.
Focus on you, and your marriage if there is anything worth salvaging with your husband. Personally, if I were your husband I'd be out the door.
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