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I had an affair, I really regret it, Im so riddled with guilt and so scared my family will found out!!!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 April 2007) 31 Answers - (Newest, 15 November 2012)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

i need help! i am a married woman and i had an affair with a married man, i just hate myself, and i dont want my husband to find out, it would ruin him, and our kids also the guy i had an affair with has two kids, i would do anything if i could take it back, but i know i cant, i know it will never happen again,and i feel so guilty and stupid that i even found myself wishing i was dead so no one would find out. i know ive destroyed our family,and my husband dosent even know, but i've heard these things always come out, and ive been living my life in total hell, every time the phone rings im scared it could be him, every time we go out im scared we might run into him, im just plain scared! and i dont know what to do, if i tell my husband, it would break his heart and it would kill my kids to have to leave the home and place they love, i really messed up bigtime and i hate myself, can someone please tell me how i can go on living like this, is there some way i can move on without anyone finding out?

View related questions: affair, married man, married woman, move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012):

Hi this might be a very old post but I like to say what's on my mind shame on the ones who tell you not to tell your husband. If you loved your husband even if you respected him that alone would be enough to stop you from cheating. If you are so sorry then you would have came clean with your husband.so I quess you're not that sorry. Not only because you don't want to confess but also you disregarded your husband health by hooking up with someone else. He could have catched a disease because of your hearless choice. Telling him will make things worse but you should have thought about that before you decided to cheat. My only advice is don't be a selfish coward like the ppl who tell you to keep it a secret. And accept the consiquences of your actions and let him decide if he still wants you or not. I don't feel sorry for you I don't care how much it eats you alive I feel sorry for your husband he's the real victim here not you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012):

Cheaters do not change, they will find a way or an excuse to repeat their "mistakes" again and then blame others for their inability to stay committed.

For those who are thinking of taking those cheating spouses back you are simply wasting your time.

If a person gets busted and is given a second chance they will simply be more careful to cover their tracks. If they were so thoughtful of their spouses why did they cheat on the first place?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009):

I know you have kids so its different for me I was having an affair for a long time and just recently admitted it thinking I was going to leave my husband forever. I couldnt stand the secrets anymore and they were tearing me apart and I didnt trust anyone because I couldnt trust myself. Coming out was so hard and my husband was so upset but hes a strong caring man and after I had identified the initial problems to why I had done it he realised it wasnt just me that had created this problem. I'm not excusing my behaviour I am disgusted in myself but you can recover. Its early days and I feel so guilty all the time but at least its out and the fear has gone and we are both working towards the same goals. Hope this helps

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009):

All I have to say is that as a married man, I had an affair recently and I've never regretted anything more in my entire life. But it was short-term and it's over. I think that it's best to keep it a secret because all I'd be doing by telling my wife would be putting a tremendous amount of hurt into her life.

It was stupid to do and I can't believe I actually did that as it's completely unlike me. I'm filled with regret and will absolutely never do anything remotely like that again as I've felt sick with guilt ever since. It gets a slight bit better each day and all I can do is hope and pray that my self-inflicted emotional wounds will heal over time and my marriage will not be destroyed.

I know that there are pastors who sometimes counsel people to confess their affair but there are also a lot of them who generally think it will be more hurtful and damaging. And they've dealt with a lot of families that have been destroyed upon the confession so I'm inclined to hide my transgression and keep my wife from being hurt as much as I can. Again, I have never been this regretful of anything I've ever done but I think it would be the worst thing to tell my wife, especially with some of the things she's going through right now.

What's done is done and can never be undone but that doesn't mean it needs to be made worse. I understand your pain and hope you can put your emotions back together and live life the way it was before your transgression. I know how hard it is to live with this guilt.

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A male reader, lost it all United Kingdom +, writes (22 March 2009):

if this was a one night stand then it could just be you got carried away with the moment, if however it was ongoing then perhaps there's something missing in your relationship that made you wander, as for getting caught out, you say your not going to do it again so just get on with your life as he *the other man* is probably doing, don't send yourself crazy thinking what if, deal with it if and when it happens. but believe me if you do lose it all it will torture your mind every minute of every day, trust me i know !! so count your lucky stars and don't do it again, be thank full for what you have and try and make the best of it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008):

You sound very remorseful, which I find refreshing having been on the other side of the affair. Even if you never tell him, you will know and the guilt eating you up inside will come out in other behaviors such as depression, fear and anger. Being truly sorry, you don't deserve to suffer for the rest of your life. Adultery lacks integrity, but you have the power to show integrity by admitting your mistake and giving your husband the choice of forgiving and continuing on in your journey of life together. When you had your affair you took away his choice in the matter. Speaking from experience, I was angry that my choice over my own health (sexual health), my right to be in a monogamous relationship and my right to an intimate relationship (sharing of secrets) had been taken away. This has caused a soul wound for you and him when he finds out, but in order to heal the relationship and restore trust everything has to be brought out into the light and dealt with just like a real flesh wound. Once he forgives you, you will have to forgive yourself. I agree with others when they suggest marriage counseling and a weekend alone together. I really hope your marriage can be saved. I wish you the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008):

I hate to say it, but the guilt is going to continue eating you up and you're eventually going to have to confess. The deed is done and just like any other bad thing thats done, it comes with consequences. If you don't tell him, there will always be that distance between you and your husband (like a big elephant in the room all the time). Leave the kids with your parents or his parents and go on a relaxing weekend getaway and tell your husband then. That way you have plenty of uninterrupted time to discuss what happened. I would also recommend talking to a counselor beforehand so they can help you figure out the best way to break the news to your husband. Make sure to tell your husband that you want to work things out and tell him how very sorry you are. Most likey, he will forgive you in time. And as for the kids, I would never tell them about it. This is between you and your husband only. Hope I helped. Good Luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008):

Unfortunately you will need to tell him. It is one of the hardest things you will need to do in live but it is for the best of everyone. The truth shall set you free. You will have to deal with the consequences of your actions but you will feel much better with it all in the open. It will give you a chance to begin the healing progress and give him the option to forgive you which needs to be done.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

I just found out 3 months ago , from doing my own spying and checking that my wife was involved in an affair for a little over 6 months. I confronted her and forgave her, tried counselling and only to find out she is still going out for a beer with this guy, trust me and tell him the truth. The lies hurt even more then the truth, the trust needs to be there for him towards you, tell him and support him and he will support you back.

My wife and I are still deciding if we are going to stay together or not, I told her simply if she is going to be with me , then it is only me , and this guy must be told to stop and go away or it will never work between us.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

Okay, so you cheated. Deal.

If it's really ripping you up as much as you say it is, then it's probably better to tell him. Even if you keep a lid on the incident itself it will become a huge emotional block in the relationship if it's not dealt with. Maybe just from your end of the communication if not his, but it will be there either way. (In this way, the affair is capable of continuing to drive you and your husband farther apart even if he doesn't ever find out about it.) Best to bring it out in to the open.

I give you some credit for owning up on here at least. At least you didn't sit here and try to justify your having a stupid cheap affair the way so many women do. That so often just makes me wanna retch.

Studies are beginning to indicate that there is a biological drive for women to cheat with more sexually desirable men than their husbands, and that in these situations their bodies are actually ENCOURAGING a pregnancy by the affair rather than the spouse.

I wish women as a gender would start admitting that when "I was just swept up in the moment" or "I just felt an emotional connection to him more than my huband at the time" this is really just dumb baby-making at work in their brains.

When men just get too horny and then get caught doing something stupid, they are so much more likely to at least admit that they're a dog and there was nothing justifiable about it. The kinds of stories that I hear from women all the time are no more valid/understandable/worthy of a reason to cheat than a husband who gets horny for his 16-year-old babysitter's lean body.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007):

I know exactly what you're going through, I have been there before. Except my story is a little bit worse. I had an affair with one of my co-workers. I ended up getting pregnant and my husband thought it was his. I wasn't sure whose it was "my hubby's or my co-worker's" I felt horrible about the affair I told my co-worker I couldn't do it anymore. My marriage got better and better. Finally my due date came. I had a beautiful daughter. Well Now she's almost two years old. About 6 months ago my husband and I were fighting constantly. Then out of anger he said "why does she not look like me?" he said that because everyone would always tell us "she looks just like you" refering to me. She doesn't have any of his features. One day he picked her up from daycare and took her to go get a DNA test. A couple weeks later we received the results. SHE WASN'T HIS!! I was torn apart. We both were, he loved this baby so much, he treated her with the most love and care anyone could give. We are still married, he decided to forgive me, THANK GOD!! And he still treats our daughter as if she was 100% his. The thing we're working on now is getting a hold of her biological father. We got a hold of his mom and told her what happened. She told him but he wants nothing to do with our daughter. Honey, I recommend you tell your husband the truth. It will definitely hurt but exposing the lie will set you free. I wish I would of told my husband when the affair happened. It was horrible he had to find out by a DNA test. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007):

You need to forgive yourself for your mistake. Telling your husband will not help with your guilt, it will make things much much worse. It may take a long time. My suggestion is that you focus all your energy on your husband and making sure your never tempted to do this again. I've been down this road, it is incredibly hard. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007):

Your husband needs to know.

Even if you successfully kept a lid on this, the fact that you're so completely wrecked by it will not go away, and there will be continuing emotional consequences. It will become an "elephant in the room" (or at least in your mind) every time you have a warm moment with him for the rest of your life if you try to keep a lid on it. It will drive an emotional wedge of guilt & distance between you & him for years to come even if he doesn't know, just because YOU still know and that fact cannot be deleted from your memory.

He deserves the truth. If he wants to get past it and try to rebuild things, it's his choice. And if he does wanna patch things up & stay with you, then his decision will be built on honesty and the two of you can begin the process of moving past it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

You poor woman, the guilt you feel is self inflicted,however i understand why you feel like this. You are clearly looking to rid yourself of this awful feeling by telling your husband, all that will do is cause pain and suffering to more innocent people. Live and learn from your mistake and try to move on with your life by focusing your energies into marriage. Good luck you can do it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007):

you do need to tell your husband other wise you are still being dishonest in the marriage .my husband had an affair you have to know why it happened .you need to give him the option to stay or leave .i chose to stay in my marriage and if he does you and your husband will have a chance to build a better marriage .my husband will tell you that guilt is the hardes emotion in life to deal with alonne .jesus is the only one who can set you free and then your husband

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007):

I have just committed the same mistake. I am deployed overseas and alot of the guys and gals here live like there is no tomorrow, though with our mission there will be a tomorrow. I am regretful, If you women can believe I just cried in the bathroom. I never thought this would be me. I love my wife very much. I want to admit the guilt, but I know that it will only make matters worse. My mind was in another place, with the help of a little alcohol. But there is no excuse. I am a weak man for what I have done. My loving wife waits for me at home with a baby on the way and I just made the mistake of the century 3 1/2 months in this sandbox across the seas. I feel I should let her go to find someone worthy of her love and devotion, I should tell her so that she will hate me because it is what i deserve. But this is selfish, more selfish then the act I committed hour ago. I have never felt so regretful over anything. It wasnt even fulfilling. In this situation the other person was not "better" but only worse and not because she is a bad lover but because my heart was not in it. My heart is with my wife. My soul is wet with tears and bleeding sorrow and Id like to say this means I have not cheated. It doesnt help I know what I have done. the best thing is to move on and love my wife, love her all I can and try to get over this. It would be a relief to find out she has done the same. But I know she hasn't and probably never will and that is the curse I will have to carry with me. I am shaking and I am swelling up with tears again. I am nothing i am worthless this how I feel. But anyone who has taken the time to read this, I am not writing for sympathy I am writing for therapy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007):

Go to Marriage builders and start reading and order the books surviving and affair, and his and her needs.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

My wife is having an affair and I'm having to move out as she won't stop it. At least you are over it to some extent.

I hope this helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007):

Telling your husband would be a very selfish move. And you will not feel relief. If you truly regret it and you've dumped the guy, don't sully your home even more by burdening your family with it.

10 years ago I made a mistake and got involved with a guy who turned out to be a total nightmare. When I finally tried to dump him, he blackmailed me and stalked me. He even made death and personal harm threats to me and my husband. He harassed me at my work and on the phone during the night, calling and ringing the phone twice as a "message" to me, just enough to wake us up a few times a night. He called work mates and told them I was "f******" around. And I worked for a christian organization so I got fired.

I was a nervouse wreck, looking behind me, checking under my car and behind the backseat before getting in, my heart racing whenever the phone rang. There was nowhere I could turn for help because it was a secret affair -- maybe not illegal, but ceratainly immoral by almost any standard. But who feels sorry for an adultress?

I have my reasons, no excuses, for being weak. I ended up filing for divorce mostly out of misdirected emotion and fear my husband would find out or get hurt by the ex-lover. (We did not have any children.) I did not want to be more damaged or humilitated than I already was. I was scared, alone, and unprotected.

I managed to get rid of the ex-lover by telling him that I notified the athorities and already confessed to my husband. Neither claim was true. But it worked and he finally left me alone. I'm sure he moved on to another victim.

Take heart. Get help or just live with it. Get spritual help and medication if necessary.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007):

Don't tell him. Break it off with the boyfriend. Go to a priest or other spiritual person for help dealing with guilt and remorse before you make more mistakes out of misdirected emotion.

10 years ago I had an affair. I was having marital problems and fell prey to a very bad man. The affair ended badly and the guy turned out to be a nut case, blackmailing me, stalking me, and harassing me over the phone at work and during the night at home. I spent months in a paranoid mess until I feigned telling the athorities and told him I already told my husband -- which I hadn't. He finally left me alone.

Here I was being stalked and frieghtend and was unable to go to my husband, my protector, who I really did love afterall. Rather, I filed for divorce out of sheer guilt and a feeling of having soiled my marriage beyond repair. (I was pretty tarnished and damaged too, but who feels sorry for an adultress?)

I had no children and my husband never found out, thank God. Though we had problems, I miss my ex-husband and my old life. I've moved on, but I have not forgotten and I will perhaps never fully forgive myself. Still, you have to move on and do the best you can.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007):

dont tell him.

I had an affair 8 years ago, about 2 years into my marriage, thinks were a little mundane i was low and i was flattered that somebody other than my partner took an interest and got swept along in the excitement, After about 4 months I came to my senses much like you, and went through the exact same feelings you did. I did not tell my husband and have chosen instead to put 100 per cent into my marriage. It took time, i felt guilty alot of the time, but hurting my husband now by telling him would achieve nothing. The guilt I have felt is punishment enough to prevent me ever doing it again. the most important thing is you know what you did was wrong, so now learn from it take a deep breath and concentrate on your marriage,

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007):

You say, "had an affair". I am assuming it is no more. You are regretful, and that is all the "confessing" you need to do at this point. Telling your husband could cause much worse damage. If it is truly over, you should not dwell on it coming out now. Is there a reason why it should? I have known people to confess to affairs, even long past ones, because they wanted the marriage to end. Needless to say, they got their wish. And, never use such a thing as a "test" of the strength of your marriage. That is playing with fire.

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A female reader, pollyanna Canada +, writes (16 April 2007):

pollyanna agony auntI don't think I would write it in a journal. Noooooo... what if her husband found the journal? Holy cow!!!! Nah... go talk with a therapist... that sounds better!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007):

Listen you are beating yourself up. I am currently having an affair with a married man for the last three years. I would be petrified it I was married, but your role is doing the best job as a Mum (sorry I'm English so I don't say Mom). You had an affair for a reason. I know it would kill him to know, you don't have to say it, or anything, do the best job you can as a Mum. Those kids have no judgement yet, so make them believe you are real, the best role model. I used to be like you hugging my husband, him buying me flowers when I knew I was being deceitful. I'm now divorced with a 5 year old girl, he cheated on me. I never told him of my cheating, but my main goal is to make sure my daughter understands what responsibility is, respect and consideration. You have everything to gain with those kids...don't ask why you did it, or how you felt, deal with today otherwise you will go nuts with paranoia. You chose to have children so be there and put all that aside.

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A male reader, agony_uncle_r United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2007):

if you tell your husband it will hurt him but at least it looks like at least you have regret. if you cover this evil act up all it will look like is a continuation of a lie.

you commited the sin, now face up to what happens, just hope he loves you enough to forgive you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007):

Please stop beating yourself up. Find some time for yourself and write all of your feelings down in a journal. Keep doing this until you are feeling better...its kind of like telling someone what has happened. You are regretful.....that is a good thing. Then this may never happen again.

Stop being so hard on yourself.....dont say anything to your husband or children.....just stay positive from here on forward.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007):

The only way I can see you getting through this is telling your husband. Wouldn't you want to know if your husband had an affair? He has a right to know. Yes, it would hurt him. Maybe it will destroy your marriage. But perhaps, it will make you stronger. I've never agreed with the idea that if you can't get caught out then you don't need to tell a person you cheated. That is not love at all, in my opinion.

You made a mistake, but all people make mistakes. What matters is how you go about correcting that mistake, and properly putting it in the past so that the pain can heal and you can move on from it. With guilt should come remorse, and the way to deal with that is to come clean. I suggest you seriously consider therapy of some kind, there were obviously issues that led to you cheating, and, if your husband wants to work with you then you should also have therapy together. Things will get easier, all the best.

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A male reader, Dr. Mark Canada +, writes (13 April 2007):

Do NOT tell your husband. I know a couple of people here have given you that advise, but don't do it. Break it off with this guy, and don't even tell your closest friend. If you need to talk, you should go and see a professional counselor. Like I said earlier (I did the first anonymous posting), your friend isn't about to tell either, so you are safe there. If you are employed, and your work has an EAP (employee assitance program), take advantage of it right now. But do forgive yourself. You are not a bad person, and if everyone were honest the rates of this occuring are much higher than commonly thought. Anyone who has not been in your shoes, has at least fantasized about it, and often it is only lack of opportunity that has stopped them. Anyway, my point is, you are not a bad person. The guilt you feel is a testament to this! Don't tell him, dear!

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (13 April 2007):

Country Woman agony auntListen I think Midge has given you sound advice on this subject.

Regretting what you have done does not alter that it happened and living in fear for the rest of your life is not fair to your husband, children or even yourself.

They always say honesty is the best policy and believe me yes things do come out in the long run, it is 100 times worse to leave it and hope it never comes up.

I was on the receiving end and never knew anything for 2 and a half years but our relationship was not good and I was no fool but I didn't believe he could do it to me but the pain is horrible but the lies are even worse. I found out by mistake and I think if he had told me it would have not been good but at least the admittance would have made me see him as someone who wanted to work things out like Midge said.

You need time alone with your husband but before you do that perhaps you should go to some sort of relationship counselling on your own initially and discuss it with a professional and then perhaps tell your husband depending on the advice they give you and then go back to counselling together to work things out properly and for the sake of your children you at least need to work things out in a mature and responsible manner with your husband.

Life is not without it's problems and we are all human.

The one thing I learnt from counselling is that there is never one reason for an affair but numerous and the person who has the affair is the weaker party at the end of the day but why does it happen.

I knew that I was not giving any attention to my partner at the time but he was not supporting me through severe post natal depression and instead of talking he found solace in another woman. You did not talk to your husband you found comfort with another man but why could you not talk to your husband and why was your relationship suffering, find out the reasons and try to think of the answers.

Admittance is half the battle and getting help is the other side of it.

Don't hide away hoping that it will go away as this is one massive secret you will live in fear of for the rest of your life. Trying to end your life is not the answer as what does that say to your children, oh mummy screwed up and she bailed out the easy way, it is much harder to stick around and face up to the truth and work it out.

I hope some of what I have written and Midge has advised helps in any small way, keep us posted eh.

Best of luck and we are always here to help all of us OK.

Take care.

Country Woman

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A female reader, Midge United Kingdom +, writes (13 April 2007):

Midge agony auntUnfortunately the deed has been done. You cant take it back no matter what you do, but you are right, if your husband found out it would hurt him. However if he found out by someone else, it would probably kill him.

You cant continue living with the guilt. As difficult a task as it may be, you need to sit him down and tell him. The fact that you are telling him yourself and that he would see that you were remorseful will help your husband accept it.

I know it seems that it would destroy him and your kids would have to move etc, but if he sees how distraught you are and how remorseful you are, I am pretty sure he will forgive your mistake. He probably wouldnt be able to forget it, but he would in time be able to forgive you.

Perhaps go away, just the two of you for a weekend and tell him then. Away from the kids and the family, just the two of you!!

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A female reader, pollyanna Canada +, writes (13 April 2007):

pollyanna agony auntPlease do yourself and your family a favour.... go talk with a professional... get some help... learn to love yourself...and forgive yourself. Don't freaking tell them. Don't ruin their lives, ok. I did it. It hurt a lot of people. It can get worse if you tell. It won't make you feel any better.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007):

If you end this now, the only way your husband will ever find out is if you tell him, or if you talk about it with your friends. Usually peopel like to have one friend they confide in. If you haven't already done so, don't talk to any of your friends about it. You are safe on here.

The best thing for everyone is to make it 100% clear with your gentleman friend that you regret it, and you will not be doing it again, ever. He's not interested in his family finding out either, no matter what he may have told you. Just tell him it's over. You have to be firm here. He might think that he got you once, and it can happen again. Don't let it.

Your family is not destroyed. You need to realize that mistakes happen, and forgive yourself. Do not be so hard on yourself. Take it as a lesson learned. If you do need to talk to someone, see if there is a confidential EAP program where you can go and talk to a listening ear.... But above all, DO forgive yourself, and don't tell your family or his.

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