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I got my cousin pregnant - we're both 17 and don't know what to do! Help!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Pregnancy, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 February 2007) 40 Answers - (Newest, 6 May 2013)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, *azza writes:

My cousin and i recently were both at a party. After the party she came back to my house to sleepover as both our parents were away for the night. As you can already guess one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together, the only problem is i didn't use a condom and now she says she is pregnant. We are both worried about what to do. We are both 17 and first cousins. What can we do????

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A female reader, Simmi Australia +, writes (6 May 2013):

I know this was written six years ago but I couldn't help to write my opinion. I do hope the writers of this read this.

I am 18 with a 14 months old beautiful, healthy daughter to my first cousin. We have been engaged and together for 2 and a half years. We planned to get married next year and are very happy.

Don't be ashamed. You can't help who you fall for and being in a relationship or having a sexual in counter with your first cousin is not illegal!! People over react with the risks put in place as a precaution and possibility of deformity or health problems. There is no greater risk then non-related couples having a baby with the possibility of problems. My daughter is absolutely fine. Your baby will be fine if you decided to keep it which I hope. People will take it all differently because its not something you hear much but dies t make it wrong. Be strong and take everyone's opinion as it comes. People will come around trust me when the baby arrives they will be all drawling over the baby fussing Lol

Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2012):

Hey I think you and your cousin should really talk and think if you want to keep the baby or take another kind of decision. I am against abortions but in this case you and your cousin made a mistake and I don't think the baby should pay for it because the baby can be born with several problems since you guys are first cousins and It can be a big disappointment in your family and they might be against your baby and it will suck for the baby to grow up knowing you guys are cousins what examples would you show your baby so I think you guys should really talk about it sirious and look at the consecuanses there's also adoption and your cousin can lie and say it was her boyfriend or a friend that she's close to cover for her and then give the baby away since you guys are very young !

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A female reader, _maqic_ United States +, writes (7 January 2011):

im in the same situation you are...im 19 and currently 2 months pregnant to my own cousin and yes my first cousin i told my mom n his mom n today i have to tell my dad. i really dont care what anybody has to say. i been going out with my cousin for 10 months and i m happy and im in love so if your happy and you love him or her you should go for it and have the baby im having my baby and i dont care what others say it might be wrong but im just fallowing my heart...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010):

tell your parents what happen.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009):

look im so in love deeply with my brother cousin my mom and his father are brother and sister and they know that we dating but we say that's not true me and my cousin have sex without protection and sometimes with condoms but i told him that i wanted to do my life with him and wanted to be with him for ever because i do really love him with all my life hes the one that makes me happy...We have met before but just talk like cousins but them he came came back in couple of years and i saw him he started to make good cousins like best cousins because when he came he stood in my house because he need it a job so he stood here in ny now hes looking for an appartment to stay but hes staying at my house now...i love him so mush...now we want to have a baby but we scared that the baby could bor with unhealthy problems i nedd help we dont know what to do im 19 hes 24 but i dont care about the age i care about him and that i love him more each day. i remember that he teach it me italian and i teach him english we both hispanic hes mexican and i am mexican and american...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009):

this is incest for god sake!!!

you better have a little chat with your parents

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A male reader, Ricky1989 United Kingdom +, writes (18 March 2009):

I don't get it....if having sex with your cousin is legal, why is it considered bad by most people to have a romantic relationship with her/him?

I mean I fancy the pants off of my cousin and we have had sex once but neither of us have told anyone because we are afraid of what people would say.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008):

I know how you feel, Im currently 8 weeks pregnant to my own cousin. He's alot older than I am however and my family & I have gone through alot of trials. The best thing to do is to just sit your family down and give them the news. They'll be upset. But if they're a loving family they'll listen and understand. Also try and tell them the best way you can and make sure you tell them that you love them very much but you want this baby and you love eachother and thats all that should matter. But if the story doesnt go that way the best thing to do is to just try and get to know eachother till you do!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008):

This topic has been apart of me and my cousins for some time.we have been very close but have never engaged or even spoken about it due to such fears. Even though I am adopted our family has always regarded me as of blood . I personally have no reservations on cousin marriages however brother sister parental relationships are not of good order indeed

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008):

Dont judge ppl! follow your heart I have 2 kids to my cousin an we have been married for 2 years we are both happy an both kids are healthy!

Do what makes you happy! x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008):

you in the same boat my sister and my self was 2 yeao a go.

i was 18 at the time my sister was 12 year old she was pregnant but to day our mom and dad raise our kid as it ther own our mom and dad sat us down gave us a good talking to brother and sister dont have sex.would you belive it late at night my sister tip toe into my bed room we have sex again i think i love my sister

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008):

This is to the anonymous writer that just wrote on feb. 20th with the baby girl.

I am the one that posted under you. I had the same problem as you. The family broke apart--some believed me and some believed him...he lied and denied the whole thing. His parents took his side, mine took mine. sisters living side by side not speaking for seven years. my aunt wasn't speaking to my grandma cause my grandma believed me...and it went like this. It was a battlefield. I left, I met someone and moved away when my baby boy was two yrs.old. I never looked back. It was too painful living in the middle of that. Of course some took that and went the other way with it, said I must have been lying and couldn't face anyone because of my lies so I left. Gez, didn't think maybe it had something to do with the fact that I married a military man and we moved every three years because thats what UNCLE SAM said we had to do. whatevers. I had to find a father for my son--and he sure as hell wasn't going to do it. My son didn't grow up with grandparents or loving aunts and uncles. my parents were there for him, but his parents weren't. They were my aunt and uncle, so they were my sons grandparents/great aunt and uncle but wasn't any of that to him because they believed their son and turned their back on me and my son. "his" brothers and sister are my cousins but they're my sons aunts and uncles. so you're right, it is one big F*ck story!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008):

i got pregnant at 15 with with my cousins baby .. he was 19 going on 20 when it happen and i kept her.. shes a beautiful smart little girl .. nothings wrong with her .. but her dad tried to deny her after we seperated i dont care but it tore the family apart.. not cuz of me but because he started making up lies and no one knew who to beleive .. i mean it is family .. its tough but hope you stay together because the breakup was not good.. and now i feel horrible because his parents my aunt and uncle wont see her because of him and those are the grandparents .. w/e life goes on i guess. its just a cluster f***

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

Okay--just stumbled upon this page and was reading everything and was just wondering what happened with this couple??? did Jazza's cousin have the baby? I really wish he would come back on and update---tell us what the outcome of it was. I, too, was in this situation. I was the female that got pregnant at 16 by my 1st cousin that was 21. It is a very long and heartbreaking story (almost unbelievable!!!) but despite everything, I kept my baby and raised it. He is about to turn 30 in a few months. I regret alot of things in my life but the day he was born has never been one of them. He is the spitting image of his father and I have to look in his eyes every day and see that. we didn't get married---he lied and denied the whole thing, and left me alone holding the bag. My mother and his mother were sisters AND they lived next door to us--which made things even more messier. It was a battle and turned into a flat out war. the two sisters didn't speak for seven years. And my cousin, still to this day, has never seen his son and is still denying the whole thing. My son was born fine, no birth defects or deformatities. I would say the worst thing about this, was the way it tore the family apart. some believed me, few believed him...his mother (my aunt), went on a witch hunt all over town trying to discredit me--trying to find someone who would say that they slept with me, to get her son off the hook. she fought his battle for him--he moved out and moved in with another woman across town. He never NEVER faced me or my parents--she did it all for him. To this day, he has never seen my son, BUT he has never had any children. supposedly he loves kids but has never had any--except for the one I raised. I made a mistake---but I didn't make it alone. He walked away while I had a heavy price to pay. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and my son will too. I will have to post anonymous on this. thanks for listening. hope this has helped someone in some way. I would be happy to help anyone who might need some help or advice--going on what I"ve been through.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008):

I'm the same age as you, and did the same thing with my 1st cousin, except I didn't get her pregnant.But I Don't see anything wrong with having a relation with your cousin(s). I think if people fall in love, it doesn't matter if its a family member or not. Just let your heart and mind guide you to do the right choice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008):

if you love her in a non relative way then stay together keep the baby, my boyfriend is also my 2nd cousin ad i was 19 when i first bcame pregnant with his child!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007):

Hey Jazza, what ever choice you make will be the right choice for all involved, I had a termination a few years back and I am still getting over it but my situation was completly different, just let your heat make the choice :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007):

I have done some research on this subject and studys show that a normall couple has a 3-4% chance of having a mental babie and first cousins have a 5-7% chance. so yes it is a higher risk but not by much, and you two are second cousins so i think your ok. What i would suggest, if you havent done so already, is for you two to sit down with your parent and let them know what happened and how you fell. Believe me i know its hard but it will get better. you need the support of your family to get through this. it was the hardest thing for me to do letting my parents know that im in love with my cousin and now weve been together for a year still doin good and our family thinks we are weirdos but they still love and support us no matter what.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007):

You have to be strong and dont rely on what other people say if your willing to keep it keep it's your guys own decision you two have to decide, I know ppl that are together wich are cousins and have 5 childrean which they are healther than ever

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007):

Oh, Boy. First of all, I want to tell you that what you did, whether or nor it was your first cousin was wrong...but I guess you know that by now.

I can not judge you, because I had a baby by my first cousin, many years ago....similar circumstances. My child is fine. Healthy, normal and quite intellegent and successful. My child has been a great pleasure to my life.

I did not tell anyone who my baby belonged to. I married another and moved away and he raised the child as his own.

Just answer yourself this question....Do you love her? Does she love you? There is a lot of shame and stigma attached to these types of situations - However, remember, this is not your mom or your sister....It is your cousin...Different parents with differnt sets of genes. You will be ok not really anymore health risks than that of others. It is legal...it is legal for a reason.

My advice: Stick by her side. Help her raise her baby. Marry her if you love her. Get an education. Love and raise the baby. People will get over it with time. Keep your chin up. You chose to do the wrong thing...whether it was your cousin or not. Now choose to do the right thing. Trust in God...start doing what is right. It will all turn out ok. It will be hard at first (but it would anyway, whether it was her or someone else, right?). Trust me...it will be ok.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007):

I think you will be ok because my friend was pregnant with her first cousin and their baby turned out perfectly fine and NORMAL

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A female reader, superfly United States +, writes (13 June 2007):

FAMILY BABIES ARE 99.99999% certain to be birth defect babies.

Why? You can't cross similar DNA and expect uniqueness and differences. It's like super-imposing yourself on yourself, getting a flaw.....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007):

hi i need some advice, i have been seeing my second cousin (my mums cousin) for about a year now and we are considering having a baby together.is there any chance the baby will be deformed in any way or eill it be ok?

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A female reader, Horsegirl New Zealand +, writes (5 March 2007):

Horsegirl agony auntThe answers you've had so far cover evrything you could possibly do. I aggree with stina completly. The chance your baby will be deformed is AT MOST 4% more than if this was any other man's baby. I belive like many other people that it's murder to abort the baby and your cousin might really suffer if you decide t abort the baby. This is a good site to look at http://abortionno.org/AbortionNO/hurt.html . I believe that you should tell your parents even though it will be hard. I also think it's up to you and her if you keep the child or adopt him/her. I hope you are happy with your decision.

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A male reader, joejo United Kingdom +, writes (2 March 2007):

Dont listen to these people, i been dating my 2nd cousin for some time now and we're very happy together, i didnt even know she existed an wen we first met sparks flew. anyway, we talkin bout a baby now, but first we're going to speak to a GP just to clear things up, but ive read alot that the risk of defects is only slightly more than none related couples, so ignore all this talk of 3 ears 4 eyes rubbish.

but if you decide abortion is what you want, try not to think of it as taking someones life because it isnt, the brain isnt functionin and besides, all life is is experiences and seeing how a 25week old fetus hasnt experienced anything it isnt alive.

bit off the topic, but if a one yr old baby dies, does it stay one yrs old forever in heaven????

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A female reader, stupid United States +, writes (13 February 2007):

The mother of the child is the one that is going to pay for the rest of her life as with the child. I know I will get a lot of crappy responses to this email but, an overwhelming amount of teen guys doesn't care where and, some guys what their "penis" goes in to. After this girl has her baby, he will avoid her like a plague, because he can he's embarrased, think about the future for you and, your baby. Put the baby up for adoption, this mistake was not the baby's fault but, if you keep the baby and, he or she WILL figure out what the hell happened the child will suffer as the mom. The dad, he doesn't care he is looking for the next girl....look around happens everyday, usually the woman and, child suffers......

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A female reader, Jendorset United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2007):

Well, like everyone has said, get her a pregnancy test. Also, you cant be 100% sure its even your baby. If she has slept with you its likely she has slept with loadsa other guys aswell. Just sort the thing out with the baby first, get it aborted or adopted or keep it whatever. Then just stay away from her. If i was eiter one of you, i would get rid of it, for the sake of the way people will treat the child. The way the family will look at it, the way people will make fun of it and call it an imbred. This is not the childs fault though, and having someone far was adopt it would be good aswell. But its most likely it will one day find you both. If you have it you will both be tied in some way for the rest of your life, perhaps you should just abort it and stay the hell away from each other.

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A female reader, Jendorset United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2007):

Well, like everyone has said, get her a pregnancy test. Also, you cant be 100% sure its even your baby. If she has slept with you its likely she has slept with loadsa other guys aswell. Just sort the thing out with the baby first, get it aborted or adopted or keep it whatever. Then just stay away from her. If i was eiter one of you, i would get rid of it, for the sake of the way people will treat the child. The way the family will look at it, the way people will make fun of it and call it an imbred. This is not the childs fault though, and having someone far was adopt it would be good aswell. But its most likely it will one day find you both. If you have it you will both be tied in some way for the rest of your life, perhaps you should just abort it and stay the hell away from each other.

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A female reader, stina United States +, writes (13 February 2007):

stina agony auntHoly crap, people. Way to judge jazza and his cousin. Awesome. I congratulate some of you on being such sensitive agony aunts and uncles. Jazza came here to get help, not to be bashed by others and their morals. What isn't accepted by you, doesn't necessarily mean that it is not going to be accepted by others and vice versa. Did you know that there are cultures where it's the norm to marry first cousins? Yes, it's true. Absolutely hideous and appaling, isn't it? (note the sarcasm.)

So anyway, hi jazza. Here is a website that discusses the possibility of genetic defects of a baby when two first cousins are the parents (scroll down the page a bit): http://www.genetics.com.au/factsheet/26.htm Basically it says that there is a 5 - 6% chance that there will be a genetic defect. (Some other articles I looked up said 5 - 7%; I didn't see anything higher than 7%). So there's approximately a 95% chance that the child will be fine (BTW - parents from seperate families have a 3 - 4% chance to give birth to a child that has defects).

You need to think about telling your parents, too, if you are both positive that she is pregnant. I'm sure if they have a problem with you two getting together since your cousins, they will be disappointed but overlook that because they want to be there for help and support. Even though it will be a scary conversation to have, it's something that will need to be done. And the sooner, the better. This way everyone isn't surprised when your cousin just starts to appear pregnant. I think that would be even worse than your family knowing beforehand, don't you think?

I would also make sure that you both go to see a doctor and discuss what options are available to you. You two might decide to keep the baby, give it up for adoption (someone in the family might even adopt it, such as her parents or yours...), or have an abortion. You two need to decide after speaking with a professional and getting all of the fact straight what is in your and the potential baby's best interest. Talk to your family, too, if you are having a hard time. Just because they might be disappointed doesn't mean that they'll not help you out. We're talking about their potential grandchild here. Plus they already love the both of you - it's not like you and another girl they don't know are pregnant.

If you have a hard time figuring out if you could afford a baby, try researching about how much it will cost. Talk to other new parents (try the messageboards here: http://parenting.ivillage.com/messageboards/), going to the library to look at various pregnancy books ("the Mother of All Pregnancy Books" by Ann Douglas is a good one; not sure how it compares to the UK economy, though.) Also try just looking around online to see if there is any information you can gether that would help you and your cousin form a decision on what you want to do.

I think one of the hardest parts about this is going to be telling your family. Here's a website that talks about how to handle that: http://www.momdadimpregnant.com/ and this one has a little bit of info, as well: http://www.pregnancy-info.net/teenage_breakingthenews.html

Jazza, this is not the end of the world. Things will work out whatever path you choose. It will be stressful, but you and your cousin *will* be fine.

Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007):

1st thing, the idiot that said the chances of deformation is over *80% is plain wrong. The biggest problems don't come with 1 generation (although it is possible.) Incest primarily causes problmes in a generational multiplier effect. A single brother-sister or cousin cousin is actually a very low probability for birth defects (-course it's still very icky.)

-Anyway, You have 4 options: 1) abortion (no need to tho, the adoption lines are miles long for newborns, give the kid a life.) 2) Adoption, as noted above. 3) She keep the kid and you don't tell the father 4) She keep the kid and you do tell that it was yours (or even get a paternity test done.) None are easy, some are wrong. But thems your options. There is no option to continuing a relationship (unless you move out of country.)

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A male reader, Dr. John United States +, writes (13 February 2007):

Dr. John agony auntTough decision to make.

If I were in your shoes, I would have to say bite the bullet and tell both your parents.

If your parents love you as I am sure they do they will probably go through the whole gambit of emotions and concerns.

I am pro life so I have to say don't murder an innocent baby for your indiscretion.

Your parents can also be valuable assets in seeking a solution.

In this case you may just have to concede that the only option will be adoption under all these conditions.

Also, here in the US it is illegal to carry on such a relationship for the very reason that the birth defect rate is so high under these circumstances.

It was not a very responsible thing for this to have happened so I believe you need to keep your penis in your pants until IT becomes responsible. Hope things work out well for you both. Doc.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007):

i'm absolutly apalled at everyone's suggestion in getting an abortion. that's the same as murder and it's your responsibility for doing such a stupid thing in the first place. if keeping the child is out of the question the adoption should be your choice. abortion, as far as i'm concerned, is inhumane. adoption, i believe, would be your best choice at this point.

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A female reader, vina_101 United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2007):

vina_101 agony auntTry and convince her not to have the baby! You must!

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A male reader, jazza United Kingdom +, writes (12 February 2007):

jazza is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hi, thanks for your suggestions but it's not so simple, she took two tests which both came up positive.

She says that she would like a child and is seriously considering keeping it, but not telling any1 that it is mine, but i will always know.

Also i have read that first cousins DNA is like brother and sister, is this true, because if so wont the chils be deformed?

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A female reader, superfly United States +, writes (12 February 2007):

It was just tooooo GOOD, that you just couldn't pull out of her to avoid this embarrassing consequence, huh?

Well, if it is true, you did get your first cousin pregnant, then the possiblity of the offspring being mentally deformed, or developmentally delayed is well over 80% likely.

This is not good.

However, I don't think your parents will matter that much to learn about this bad experience, as much as they have come to understand that their family values is almost at the level of wild-animal behavior.

Resolution: Abortion!

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A female reader, vina_101 United Kingdom +, writes (12 February 2007):

vina_101 agony auntI know some people won't agree with me here but...Don't tell your family about this, until it is absolutely necessary. Get her to take a pregnancy test and if it comes up positive then you should both go to your local clinic, tell them you're situation and get them to suggest some solutions. Abortion is an option because I take it you don't want to raise a child concieved in such circumstances. Your family don't need to know. Sort it out with the clinic first and if there are any problems thats when you should tell your family. ok?

Get her to do a pregnancy test and then go together to your nearest clinic. Don't delay, do it as soon as you can. Next time use a condom and don't have sexual relationships with your relatives.

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A male reader, maxsteel86 United Kingdom +, writes (12 February 2007):

maxsteel86 agony auntWith your first cousin? Thats some unholy shit... get a pregnancy test done and if it comes back positive, get an abortion. Even though its legal, I doubt its something that your family would be too happy about and I'm pretty sure you dont wanna have a kid together, that's pretty freaky. Kenny hit the mark with everything he said below

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007):

You need to tell your family about this. Despite it not being illegal for first cousins to be in a relationship the pregnancy is bound to at first shock the family but they need to know.

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (12 February 2007):

cd206 agony auntIt's not illegal for you to have a baby together but of course you're going to face strong opposition from the family. First I think you both need to sit down and decide what you want to do. Do you want to keep it or explore other options. You could also both call Brook on 0800 0185 023. They can give you further advice about how to tell your parents and more advice on your options.

CD

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom +, writes (12 February 2007):

kenny agony auntthis is the outcome of having unprotected sex with someone. But what were you thinking having sex with a cousin.

Is she certain she is pregnant, i mean has she done a test and it showed up positive?

If its positive i would get her to go and see her local GP and get some advice on how to get it aborted.

I would put this experience down to a serious learing curve, and in future make sure you wear protection, and preferably chose someone you are not related to.

Good luck.

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