New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I get pouty when we are apart and he doesn't text!

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Social Media, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 January 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 17 January 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

MOD NOTE: 2 Submissions combined.

I'm embarrassed to even ask this question, but how often can I expect my BF to text me when we're not together?

A little background- we've been together about 4 months. He's very kind, patient, considerate, and I love being with him. Most of his closest friends live in the area, so sometimes it's hard for him to juggle events with them and me. I do get invited to events with his friends though. We typically go out 4 time during the week and weekend, so I don't have complaints about how much I see him.

When we are together everything is great. However, when we're apart I get very bummed and pouty. Although I have friends here, they are much busier than his and don't plan as many social events as his do. I KNOW this is childish and unproductive. However, whenever he is not with me, I feel myself pout.

Hi all, I posted the previous question about getting in a bad mood when my boyfriend isn't with me. I hit submit too quickly and didn't get to type the rest. My question was, how often should I expect to hear from him when we're apart? At work, I understand that we can't have full texting conversations. However, when he's at an event with friends or something he always texts me good morning and goodnight and will say "I can't wait to see you tomorrow or miss you" but it takes him an hour or two to respond when he's out with friends. I'm sure this is normal, but I just would like your advice on the matter and how not to pout when we're apart.

I know it's healthy for couples to have their own time and friends. I'm just afraid to be left and wish we could text more when we're apart.

View related questions: at work, text

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntFemale anonymous, I think you have misread the question and also what N91 is saying. The poster has asked how she can stop herself pouting when he is with friends at a social gathering. It sounds to me like he is showing her love and affection she just doesn't like it when he is not around.

OP is this your first relationship? It is okay to feel like this. But I do think you need to find a new hobby or distraction. If he is doing something with friends then tell him to enjoy his night and text you good night when he is home. Then you should distract yourself. Watch movies. Catch up with a friend. Or even try new activities or hobbies.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (16 January 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYes, women tend to need more contact than men, but nobody should actively interrupt their work/social event to keep in fairly constant texting communication with their partner. Anyone who expects that is unreasonable and potentially needy.

If they go to the bathroom or are left alone for a couple of minutes, they could definitely send a text, but they shouldn't keep checking their phone while at work or out with friends/family.

I'm a woman and I find it hard when I can't talk to my boyfriend much (we're long distance), but I understand that he has to focus on work or is spending time for himself (either alone or with friends/family), sometimes.

Yes, it can hurt, but I know that it goes both ways (if I had friends/work).

He texts me when he goes to the toilet at work, or occasionally when his friends are on their phones, so he's not distracted at work or rude to company.

Women often desire more contact than men, but we also need to learn what's a reasonable amount to expect/ask for. They should learn to adapt to our needs (and us theirs), while we need to learn that we don't need so many texts to feel cared about or important.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2017):

N91 agony auntYep fair enough anon that makes sense.

I don't have any experience of being in a relationship so I can't really empathise with the poster and female anon, hence why it probably sounded harsh. I do however have experience with clingy and needy females which is very, very offputting.

I wouldn't class myself as stupid because I didn't see it from your point of view, like I said I have no relationship experience therefore I have these kinds of things to learn for myself, just as op and female anon need to learn to have a life away from their boyfriend so they're not feeling as down as they are doing when they're not in contact with their BF.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017):

N91, I have to disagree. Not all men are like you. Most smart men know they need to communicate with their women. Women love this. And when they don't, women start to resent them little by little. They do take it personally because unlike men, women need to feel close and they need to feel loved. Men need to pay attention. This is from relationship manual 101. A guy who doesn't get that is stupid and ends up alone.

Women are different from men that way. Women place value on their relationships and relationships are primary in their lives. Men, on the other hand, have other priorities. They place their jobs and everything else above their primary relationships and that is how they are able to remain detached and not as connected. They compartmentalize everything. Women tend to focus on the man. Men don't focus on the woman. And therein lies the problem. Women have emotions and this can be very hurtful to us when a man withholds his. Whether it is in words or by lack of communication by text, phone call, whatever. Some men use this to emotionally abuse a woman. To ignore her, withhold love and attention. Once men understand that women need to connect and always feel connected, they will have a successful relationship. It is called compromise. We need to feel safe and know we are with a man who is accountable to us. Open, transparent and willing to share his life with us. Lack of communication sends red flags our way. When men start to be men and not tap into and empathize with the emotions of a woman - nothing to do with him or how he is - but to keep her happy - then he's done his job. Happy wife, happy life. Women will take his lack of communication as disinterest if it becomes chronic. And eventually, they will dump them and find a guy who pays attention. Because we women want to feel special. Why be with a guy who treats you like you aren't? Because he is not that way? Because he is busy? Because he has friends? Because he's a guy and God forbid he talks about his feelings? Maybe a guy who doesn't communicate with you just isn't that into you? Well, let him get back to all his priorities then. We should never have to beg a man for his attention nor should we ever have to feel bad that he doesn't contact us. Men who love you willingly keep in touch. In fact, they can't stand not talking to you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2017):

N91 agony auntI've just read female anons answer:

"Even if he is with friends or busy, that would be an even better time to make sure he lets his girl know he has not forgotten about her. The guy does not have to text non stop or even a novel but a text or two is good enough. We just want to know we are on their mind. And that they love us."

No, thats time for him to enjoy himself with his friends in his own time. Leave him be, he will reply when he's free.

"It is unfortunate but many women base how a man feels about them on text communication or lack of. We feel that if he doesn't contact us, he doesn't care. He is not thinking about us. It takes two seconds to send a thinking of you text. Especially if the woman has mentioned to her boyfriend that she likes when he texts her and keeps in touch and he knows it makes her happy."

I'm sorry but you sound very insecure to need constant validation from your boyfriend messaging you so you know 'he cares'. Most men arent that way inclined, they don't message regarding their feelings often, personally I hate talking about my feelings so would find it very hard to message things in that respect, your boyfriend may be the same so what else can you do besides suck it up?

Your boyfriend is away for 1 week. 1 week, 7 days. That's nothing. Think of people in the armed forces who can be away for years at a time and you're crying yourself to sleep because your boyfriend who you will see in 1 week didn't say good night.

I think you need to get a grip.

What do you do in your spare time? Surely you can fill it with hobbies or spending time with family/friends? Join a gym, read a book, play computer games, but definitely do not sit moping around over why your boyfriend hasn't text you for a few hours.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou'll push him away if you expect more than that, to be honest. When he's with friends, they need to be the priority, just like you are 4 times a week. Just ask for a 5 - 10 minute goodnight call, instead of texting conversations, when he's busy.

To stop pouting, you just need to realise that this is an adult relationship, not a high school one - which means you need to adapt and accept that his time is still his time and you shouldn't be the focus of it.

Don't get me wrong; it's no fun, but it'll give you a chance to develop your independence. You're a very new couple and you need to understand that even married couples often don't spend this much time together or see their friends as much. My parents spend maybe 1 - 3 hours a night together and that's it, after 22 years. Even then, it's sitting together, but doing their own thing, most of the time.

OP, I get where you're coming from, but you just need to be firm with yourself about clinginess and unrealistic expectations.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2017):

N91 agony auntYou really need something to fill your time when you're alone. We see this question all the time and personally I think it makes the poster sound so needy and desperate. Why do you need constant communication? You start 'pouting' when he doesn't reply for a few hours? Jeez, let the man enjoy himself with his friends.

I was speaking to a girl about 2 weeks ago, we were about 2 weeks in and things were fine at first, then I noticed she started to message me A LOT more than usual. I'm talking if I hadn't replied in 30-60 mins she would of messaged me roughly 3 times in that time. 3 separate messages. Safe to say we're not speaking anymore. It's so, so offputting for some people when they feel like they need to be speaking none stop.

I'm sure you can be doing something to keep busy in between texts? Develop your own hobbies and interests so you're not sitting around waiting for a response. You sound very dependent upon your bf.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017):

My boyfriend is out of town for a week. Where he is the internet is very expensive and hard to get. So, he has been sending me a couple of texts a day, which is a far cry from our usual communication. I am having a hard time with this. And last night he did not even text me good night.

I texted him good night at 1 in the morning. I haven't received a reply yet and its 7:30 a.m. EST. I am not sure why men do not understand that receiving a text or communication from them makes or breaks our day. It is amazing how one good morning or good night text changes everything for us. How much effort does that take? Not much.

Even if he is with friends or busy, that would be an even better time to make sure he lets his girl know he has not forgotten about her. The guy does not have to text non stop or even a novel but a text or two is good enough. We just want to know we are on their mind. And that they love us.

It is unfortunate but many women base how a man feels about them on text communication or lack of. We feel that if he doesn't contact us, he doesn't care. He is not thinking about us. It takes two seconds to send a thinking of you text. Especially if the woman has mentioned to her boyfriend that she likes when he texts her and keeps in touch and he knows it makes her happy.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. All because he was thoughtless and could not say a simple good night. It made me feel like shit.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2017):

Denizen agony auntIt is lovely you are so devoted. While you are apart you should be developing your own interests. Then, when you are together you bring something extra with you. There is a saying that trees do not grow well in their own shadow. Having you own interests which you pursue when not together will strengthen you. and strengthen your bond. It will make you an even more interesting person. It will fill the time while you are apart, and it will stop you, 'Pouting'.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 January 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThe most likely reason he will leave you is if you keep bugging him to text you while he is with friends. "Man up", as the saying goes, and let him enjoy his time with them. I am sure you would not be too pleased if he was texting his friends all the time while he was out with YOU.

You need to find some other interests, or even friends, to fill your time while he is not with you so you have other things to think about. Someone who gets "pouty" because you don't respond immediately to texts while you are out just comes across as needy and clingy.

Wish your boyfriend a nice evening when he is going out, and agree he will text you goodnight or when the evening is over. Do NOT make him feel guilty about not texting you while he is with other people. That is just immature and demanding. He will love you all the more for allowing him his freedom.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "I get pouty when we are apart and he doesn't text!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312578000011854!