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I gave my stepfather a BJ. Did he take advantage of me or was it my fault? I don't want to hurt my mum

Tagged as: Age differences, Family, Forbidden love, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 October 2007) 31 Answers - (Newest, 26 September 2011)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'm really confused about my relationship with my step father. He's 27 and I'm 16. My Mom Married him 3 years ago, even though she's 12 years older then him, and everyone was against it.

But anyway, a few weeks ago when i came home from school, my step father was just getting out of the shower, he was in his robe when we got talking about my ex, then we just started flirting and we kissed. Ive always fancied him since she brought him home 5 years since, but i was 12 at the time so i knew he wouldn't want me. Then last weekend my mom was at work and we just watched a few movies together, when he asked me if i'd had sex, i told him i had but it wasn't anything important, after a while we started kissing again and i gave him oral sex, when my mom got home i was really upset and i've stayed at my aunt's since, telling her that i need some peace and quiet, I really don't want to go home because i know something will happen again, but i can't stay away forever.

Please Help Me, i really don't know what to do and i can't tell anyone because i just know it will get back to my mom and i don't want to hurt her. I know it was stupid of me, but it just happened.

View related questions: at work, flirt, kissing, my ex, oral sex

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (26 September 2011):

eyeswideopen agony auntI'm willing to bet the farm that this poster isn't checking her responses any more, since it's been FOUR years now.

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A male reader, Zabi Brazil +, writes (26 September 2011):

Well, you have your entire life to regret. Tell your mother; honnor her with the truth. Let her do her part in this plot. About regretting doing things, you must move on with your life. You're an adult now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010):

I don't agree with what you did, but i do know what its like to love someone and them to take advantage of you. This was in no way your fault you were a minor which makes it statutory rape meaning he being 27 wanted the sex, you being 16 wanted the sex but since you were under aged it is considered rape. In my opinion this man is not safe if he knew what he was doing, i would suggest confronting your mother about it she will understand and divorce him since if this broke out in the open he would be considered a sex offender.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

I am a 37 year old mother of a 18 year old daughter now.I lived with this man for over 4 years and he and my daughter were ouhaving sex all that time. she was only 15 when it started. i didnt find out until she was 17. she finally broke down and told me the truth. i love my daughter with all my heart. i am very hurt but so is she. IF THE GUY REALLY LOVED YOUR MOTHER he would of never had sex with you. i hope every thing works out for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010):

uuummmm WTF preacher not everyone is religous i know for one i would fined what you said very OFFENCIVE keep the preaching to the chuch or thouse who want it

having sex with your step father is slightly sick but i was guilty of that when i was your age but i knew it was wrong

I would sagest getting a boyfriend for yours and your step-fathers sake

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A female reader, Sunystar4 United States +, writes (14 October 2010):

One more thing...all the advice of not telling her is wrong. If you have any belief in God, seek the wisdom of a Pastor. The bible is kind of like our instruction book in life. Many many passages speak of telling the truth no matter what. Confessing your sins ( not only for the ones involved, but for your soul and the day of judgement). Again, go to your aunt, counselor or pastor. Here are some verses to help you: You need to see the bigger picture here. There is much more than feelings involved. He needs to be confronted so he can also seek true forgiveness of all!

John 8:32

and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

John 16:13

"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.

John 8:44

"You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature; for he is a liar, and the father of lies.

John 4:24

"God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth."

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A female reader, Sunystar4 United States +, writes (14 October 2010):

I am shocked by some of the replys! This is not good at all. 1st...what if the tables were turned in years to come and your daughter did this with your husband who was her step-father? Would you want to know? 2nd...do you love your mom or him more? Do you love you or him more? Hopefully you feel that you love your mom and yourself more than him. This man violated you. And in doing that he violated your mom as well as you. But this can be fixed. He is a cheater period. And to do that with his step-daughter is just done right sick. My parents divorced when I just turned 13. Due to my dad's extreme abuse we had to flea the city we all grew up in. We left everyone and everything behind. Due to the hurts, I went and put myself in counseling at school. He was a male counselor. He told me something that really helped me. He said that young girls often seek the love of their father through other men and sexual activities. I saw many of my friends doing this. Girls that were 11 and 12 having sex with many people. I really took to heart what he said. My dad was never a GOOD dad. Knowing this allowed me to know that no guy could fill the void of my dads lost love. I was the last virgin of all my friends. I think you should talk to a counselor. I think you should tell your mom. ASAP. Don't let her live a lie. Lift is to short to be waisted on a asshole predator like him. I am a mother of 2 boys, 14 and 1 and 2 girls, 13 and 3. My oldest 2 are from my 1st marriage and my youngest from my second. My 13 year old is starting to change inside and out. She use to be a tom boy but know she is getting girly on me. She has done some things just out of not thinking that was inappropriate. Like wearing short shorts. My husband, her step-dad, put her in check real quick. However, I worry sometimes about this. She has started to try to smell like me and mimick some of my ways. This is natural for a girl to do. She looks to her mother as a role model, especially when there is a healthy relationship between the 2. But if I was in you mother's shoes and my daughter told me, I would embrace her and tell her how sorry I was that such acts took place. I would then kill his ass. Most mothers always see their children as that baby they had and was placed in their arms after delivery. AS my older ones are growing and changing and frustrating me with hormones and back talk...I still see the lil baby faces in them. I still desire to care and protect them the same as I did when they depended on me for everything. But your mom depends on you for something as well. Honesty and secure love. Its prob safe to say that their marriage will end some day if you tell or not. But your relationship with her is forever! Things you do and know are wrong need to be dealt with. If not, something called Strongholds will develop. This is a spiritual thing. I am not some big bible thumper. But after dying 2x from medical issues and being told that I am a walking miracle confirmed that their is a GOD. I always believed and I do even more. There are some good lessons in life as follows: Do unto others as you would want done to you. What you reap is what you sow. And then this: (From the bible)

James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

And with that....we are forgiven of sins, but you must truly feel you have sinned or done wrong to be 4given. You can't go out and kill someone and never think a second thought about it, then say, oh I need to be 4given for my soul sake and ask for it with out remorse. You have to try and right your wrongs. Honey, you mom deserves to know. Give her the chance to comfort you. She may not at first, she may not even believe you depending on her mental status and ways of thinking (such as denial) but she deserves to no. Just as you would want to know if a boyfriend cheated on u with one of your friends. This man has violated so many laws both on earth and heaven. He violated you and your mother. Do not let some pervert come between u and your mom. Do not let him hurt either one of you any more. I have experienced cheating. And what hurt worse was the deception of it. I sensed it happened, I asked and was lied to. Then I later found out I was right and they both looked me in my face like nothing ever happened. Having get togethers and spending time in the same area's....that pissed me off more than the act. No one wants to live a lie, especially in marriage and love. What will the future be like? If you marry and have kids and come over with your husband and kids to visit your mom and this a-hole! What if years down the line you feel the need to confess and she has all the extra years of hurt on top of it. PLEASE honey, tell your mother. Help her have the right to have real love in her life. Life is so short. I recommend that you tell her in a public safe place. I think you should go to your counselor and have them help you. Don't worry about his feelings, he didn't worry about yours or hers. He was in the moment and took something very precious and innocent. It doesn't matter that you have already had sex. IT IS NOT HIS PLACE. He asked that because he was setting you up. He was seeing if he could possibly have an easier chance at going there with you. Maybe you should tell your AUNT and let her help break the news. BUT IT NEEDS to be DONE. THE guilt will eat you alive over the years to come. What if your mom had sexual relations with your husband and father of your kids in the future? Would you want to know? Don't let KARMA come back at you...it can come in all different ways - strongholds. This is just not right. Don't be hard on yourself. But don't let it continue or you will through any pity right out the window. I hope you tell her. I hope you make this wrong a right. ALSO...he is not someone you would want around your kids in the future. He just is not right! You are his wifes baby girl. HOW dare he violate that. He deserves to be kicked to the curb - quickly. Let your mom begin to heal and move on. Let her find real love. She will always love you! And you can show her how much you love her by telling her the truth even though it hurts. BEST WISHES....if you want to talk some more, hit me up on my direct email. I will help you the best I can....SWEETIE, you are a treasure and you have value and worth. Grab it and hold it dear to your heart and allow your mom the key, not him. PLEASE do not let this continue. Put yourself in her shoes. Then follow your heart. I am sending prayers of protection and wisdom, care and comfort. Peace and release of what was done by the mind of an evil one. EWW, he is just sick and wrong. It would be nice if he would be man enough to tell your mom, but he won't. He sounds like he is just a taker and not a giver. Take back what he has stolen with your love and honesty. Blessings to you baby girl. Good luck and update please.

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A male reader, spazzvv United States +, writes (14 September 2010):

honestly...u shouldnt tell her..not because you dont care, but because u obviously do care about her feelings. u should let him know this can never happen again..and if u tell your mom..she may forgive u but time will never heal that wound and she will never forget..

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A female reader, suzie _777 United States +, writes (3 July 2010):

Listen, we all do things that later we regret , and i'm one of those people who doesn't like to judge others for whatever it is that they do or have done, because i have not that right, but i can only say this to you my friend try to put it behind you and forgive yourself, ok? i know that the two of you didn't plan for this to happen because we are all human but the fact remains, i haven't the right to judge you nor that other person so i will not. but my heart goes out to you. and i know that it wasn't easy to talk about. but just try to put it behind you and forgive yourself. thank you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010):

This world is getting to be a scary place when we expect teenagers to exhibit the same type of self control that we expect from adults. There have been some very disturbimg replies to this post. Grown men that have even a small amount of integrity would never sleep with their stepdaughter regardless how attracted they are to them or how badley the stepdaughter wanted him to. If you disagree, then you are scum and a self centered,week and undisciplined man. Your job as stepfather is exactly the same as if you were her father. Any man that cannot control his sex drive when tempted by another woman...ANY woman needs to do a little growing up and realize the definition of a good man is strongly and consistently doing the right thing for the people who depend on you.A week man lives for himself and his own needs.

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A male reader, caterpillarchapstick United States +, writes (3 February 2010):

trust me you want to discontinue this now. you already made a mistake. don't make another one. this is the sort of affair that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

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A male reader, corebare United States +, writes (9 June 2009):

One thing I've noticed about the replies to this topic is that the parent or spouce of the parents who this certain thing has happened to seem to, in a round about way, blame the child as much as the parent. (Mostly, "step parent")

One entry has a mother of a 16 year old who had sex with her stepfather. The mother mentions many reasons why it's not just the stepfather's fault: Stating her daughter is "very smart." "Manipulative." And, "In Rhode Island the minimum age for consentual sex is 16." - Sounds to me like the mother is blaming the daughter!

Then, after giving more reasons why the daughter is more to blame than her husband, she also mentions that the child kept a diary which she kept with the intent on ruining their relationship. (He mom, you'd think the fact that he had sex with your 16 year old daughter would have ruined it already!)

And I noticed in her submission that she never actually types the words; "My husband had sex with my daughter."

There is no other way to look at this: Sixteen year old girls, no matter how cunning or smart THER ARE STILL CHILDREN! I lived with a girlfriend who had a very pretty 17 year old girl. Upon first living there, everything was pleasant, but at some point you have to act like the adult in the room and not be the "cool guy dating her mother." I also noticed that one week she'd hate me and the next she'd be my best friend, and that was fine as long as I stayed consistent with my behavior toward her. Then she started the flirting. At first I thought she was just being nice, but then I noticed it became innapropraite. (Lots of hugging and hanging on me) So I went to my girlfriend, her mother, with it. Once my girlfriend mentioned it to her, she denied it, called me a creep and hated me for months. Oh well. I didn't want her hating me, but her behavior wasn't going to continue, or possibly get worse.

Lastly, a grown man, whether he is 23 or 46, who has sex with a minor is not only a jerk, but a pedophile. Meaning, he's an instant felon. Secondly, a mad who has sex with with someone while living with or being married to another woman is a cheater and a pig. Third, a man who is married to, or living with a woman and has sex with her underaged daughter, is a felon, a cheater AND a pig.

There is no excuse for it: "My daughter seduced him." NOPE. "He was very drunk." NOPE. "I was pushing him away and he was lonely." NOPE.

The entry I mentioned earlier, the "mother" mentioned that she is now trying to "patch things up" with the daughter who moved away because of the incident. Well, "mother", maybe your daughter moved away because you seem to, in a round-about way, blame your daughter if not more, then just as much as your husband. Maybe, just maybe, she thought you might prove to her that you love her just as much as your husband and kick his ass out. You are still living with a man who had sex with your own daughter! How can you do that?

It doesn't matter how smart, manipulative or sedistic a 15, 16 or 17 year old girl is when she has sex with her older (adult) stepfather. She is the child. HE is the adult.

Get it?

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A female reader, yummyyy United States +, writes (18 January 2009):

fuck himmmmm

in the vagina

but wholeee and mouthhh

dont tell anyone

just have sex with himm

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A male reader, 80113444 China +, writes (24 November 2008):

your stepfather did this to you with concerning no responsibility as a adult in marriage relationship.

you should talk to him and notice that you both did wrong ,and it would never ever happen again.

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A male reader, _Shad_ United States +, writes (31 July 2008):

If I were you I would just go back and explain to him how you feel and if he is a man he will understand. If you want to talk you can message me I don't mind to help I feel bad about not knowing what to tell you. I love to help people.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

Don't normally reply to forums like this, but here goes.

I'm 41, and I have 5 stepdaughters, from two relationships.

I have been attracted to two of my girls.

Of those, one has been attracted to me.

When she came on to me, I resisted. This is the right thing to do. I'm glad to say that she now has a good steady boyfriend, they have a baby, and more planned. I know the guy and I like him. There is no way I would ever say anything to him, or to her, now, about what never happened between us, because that would muck up what she has with him.

I love my girl to bits. She's young, she's gorgeous, and I love her like life itself; but I knew, when she said and did the things she did, that it was a temporary thing, that she was going through some bad stuff, that she would get over it. She did. I still have her as a daughter, and to me, that's way more precious than any random f**k.

I have tears in my eyes as I type this. The only thing that guys can do, in this situation, is to hold your girl and let her down in as gentle a way as possible.

She will find the right guy, and you are not him.

She trusts you, she feels safe with you, and that is why she comes on to you; because she has human sexual needs just like anyone else. But you must not go down that road. It isn't your job.

Some other man will provide for her sexual needs. You must not do that. If you do, she will lose her Dad. You can't do that to her.

Everyone in the Universe knows right from wrong. Don't f**k your stepdaughters, no matter how much they say they want it. In ten years, you'll both hate each other.

The long term perspective is that they need a father more than you need a f**k.

Be strong for them. Such is the essence of fatherhood.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008):

I find it hard to believe that a 16-year-old girl would betray her mother by having any kind of sex with her stepfather. I know most teen girls don't consider blowjobs to be sex, but it is sex, just a different type of sex.

Renee, I cannot understand why your daughter persued your husband, but teen girls do not always do things that make sense to adults. Did she initiate the first sexual encounter between them? I think you and your daughter and husband should get into therapy together to get past this problem. It sounds like she did this on purpose, so it sounds like perhaps she has abandonment issues relating to her biological father. Perhaps she thinks you drove him away, and she was hurt by the divorce, so having sex wtih her stepfather was a way to get back at you. If that is the case, I would worry about her having sex with her biological father as well. I wish you all the best and again, I suggest getting into therapy to deal with this problem.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

My take on this topic (Teen step-daughter & Step-dad)is different than most others and it is because my 16 year old daughter persued my husband (her step-dad) for months last year. At first we just simply thought that she was finally giving him a chance to bond and get to know her. I was so happy. Then she started "hangin" on him in public. well, ok, shes affectionate...I even found a letter where she says that she knew she shouldnt have woken him up one night as he fell asleep in the recliner in the Great room while I was out, to ask him if he wanted a back-rub. This is when she admits to geting him "started"-- I was SICK- I noticed she was taking an unusual interest in him but I truly thought nothing of it. I actually thought it was a good thing seeing they'd never really had the best relationship before, she couldnt stand him, she felt he was in "our way"; I met him when she was just 6...Then she' started to drop these suttle hints like, "just wait, you'll soon find out what kind of guy/asshole your really married to" and I would beg her to tell me why she'd say something like that. She'd just say, just wait n you'll see..She was NEVER one to hold anything back..She is a very mature, inyelligent and outspoken young lady who lets NOONE get it over on her. Anyway, after mentioning to my husband these little "bombs" she would ever so slightly "drop"...he endedup, after much pressure and begging from me for the truth because my GUT KNEW something wasnt right, but Id have NEVER predicted this would happen to "our" family in a million years and thats the truth.My husband ended up telling me everything, I broke down, he broke down. This happened during a severly stressful time, but theres not a day that goes by that he doesnt show me sincere remorse. My daughter on the other hand said that she felt guilty" about it but he let me hear a phone message from her that said she'd do it again. Ive been a good mom and my daughter and I have always been best friends too and talked about everything. It kills me the most that I havent seen any true remorse come from her. I know she was only 16, but believe me, one with an extraordinary intelligence and maturity with an extremely manipulative nature. She is So angry with me that I am still with him. We had shared 13 happy years together and a beautiful innocent 8 year old son. I just wanted so bad to try and save what was left of our family. My husband was 28 at the time and she at 16 in RI was actually at the age of consent to have sex with an adult. My husband was always a good man, respectful & faithful. His emotional maturity is probably more underdeveloped than hers. She is scarily intelligent. I love my daughter so much but I also carry a resentment toward both of them deep down that I try hard not to show. She knew one of the MOST important things for me in my life was to have the tightest & closest mother-daughter bond ever, because I never had it with my own mom.. My daughter knows how emotional, and kind hearted I am. But, she also knew this would kill me..it almost did, and so I will NEVER understand why this happened to me.. thank Gof for my little man(8yo son). I had to survive and get up each day, HE needed me. And also it hurts knowing that she was working on a "plan" of destruction by waiting to acquire enough evidence to show me what a skumbag I was married to. Its been well over a year now and still there are days where if I were to think too much about it, I could sink fast. Ive had to go on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med which Ive never had to take in my life. I dont know if Ive made the right decision by staying, I know most all you will probably just call me a pathetic fool and an awful mother, Please, I love my daughter and I want nothing more than to repair our "damage" here, but they both betrayed me in the worst way possible. Beyond anything my imagination could even drum -up. As far as Im concerned, and as I may forgive them, I dont think I will ever be able to forget what they did to me and our family. Things will never be the same. She is now living at her dads here in Town..We are trying to repair and be "close" again, but it is so hard. I dont know how much is a lie.

I sware, there were moments I wasnt able to breath or even see tomorroww. This was over year ago now. I'm a survivor and I know Ill always be ok but I need my family.. We have an 8 year old son together, I am still with him but our marriage will never be the same. Ive tried so hard to put this behind me but deep inside it follows me ALL the time. I am ashamed to say that I actually feel more betrayed by my own here. But my God, I was her MOM, She loved, adored and worshoped me, or so I thought...

PLEASE help, Any advice, even advesary advice will be appreciated, Thank you, Renee

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

I would not be surprised if he married your older mother just to be close to you. Do not feel guilty that you make an older man desire you. Enjoy it! I bet you were happy to pleasure him with oral sex. If you do not want your mum to be hurt do not tell her and be sure you two only do it when it is safe. If you should get pregnant, just tell her you got drunk and must have been raped. Good luck and much fun

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A male reader, DR. MOSLEY United States +, writes (15 November 2007):

Alot of people are so quick to jump on the guy and say he should of known better and that is true he should of known better. but also you should of known better too. now that this has happened This is what i want you to do. go to him and tell him that what we did was wrong. it should of never happened and it will not happen again.

then drop the entire thing. we all have done somethings that were stupid. we ave the choice to hold on to them or learn from them. I think you have learned somthing here. It will do you no good to hold on to it. we all have sinned. I want you from now on to live by this creed

we cannot save ourselves we are the instrument of anothers salvation. and the hop that we give to others moves us from the darkness in to the light.

you are a good person. move on with your life

Sincerely

Dr. Mosley

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007):

Well, I think there are a couple of things at work here. And I disagree with those of you who say that this girl's stepfather took advantage of her. He simply seduced a girl who was sexually attracted to him in the first place and consented to have oral sex with him. It really is not that different from her giving a BJ to a guy her age, except that with her stepfather, the law forbids sexual contact between adults and anyone under 18 (or 17, depending on which state you live in). This girl has been sexually attracted to her stepfather for 4 years now, and it sounds like she has wanted to have sex with him.

First of all, you say you have fancied your stepfather since your mom first brought him home, so you are admitted you are sexually attracted to him. He probably sensed this. Also, although you say you both started flirting with each other, you didn't say who started the flirting. But regardless of who did, it sounds like you actively participated in it. And it sounds like he didn't force you to have oral sex with him, that you gave him a blowjob voluntarily, and you wanted to do that. So I don't think he took advantage of you.

Also, many men, have fantasies about having a sex with a mother and her daughter. This happens a lot to men with stepdaughters, espcially when the stepdaughter gets into the 16-18 age range.

So, let me ask you this question: if this man wasn't married to your mother, and you had sex with him, would it bother you, or would you want to continue having sex with him? If your answer is that you would still want to have sex with him, then you probably need to see a therapist so that you can break yourself of this attraction to him. It sounds like you are afraid to go back home because you are still sexually attracted to him and want to have sex with him again. You need to rid yourself of this feeling before you can go back to living with your mom and stepdad, otherwise it sounds like you are likely to have sex with him again.

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A female reader, thecraftysquirrel United Kingdom +, writes (1 November 2007):

he is definatly wrong 1. if he loves your mum he wouldn't ask you to do this. 2. if he thinks anything of you he would't ask you to do this. 3. if he thinks any thing of him self he would'nt ask you to do this

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

Hi Sweetheart,

This man has been in your life since you were 12 he took on a role not only as your mums husband but as a father figure to you, We all get crushes for you to think of him as goodlooking when you were younger means nothing but a childhood crush.

But for him to put you in that kind of situation and ask those questions about your sex life is really not right at all hunny, How many other young women on his travels do you think he may come on to if he did this so easy with you, breaking your mums trust with her daughter, He needs his head read, At this moment he knows why you wont go home Is he worried, well he should be.

You are staying with you aunt can you not confide in her love as this will not go away for you and its not your fault he should have known a lot better, Your mum is going to need to know what he is capable of while she is at work and why you wont go home hunny, He took the responsability of taking on a step daughter he did wrong love and the truth will have to come out in the end you canot live with this in your heart as it will hurt you as it is now, Talk with your aunt if you can hunny TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

Tell your mother!!!!!!!!

You do not possess the ability to make life altering judgements such as this, nor do you have the ability to consent to any sort of sexual activity, what he did was wrong and indecent, a testiment to his true character. No telling what else hes doing behind your mothers back..Id say tell her, and whatever happens to him, he deserves...

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A male reader, merlyn United States +, writes (21 October 2007):

merlyn agony auntfirst things first in this country you are able to give consent to have sex until you're 18 period end of story. now your step father is an adult and he knew better. he also needs help.

you aren't resposible for anything that took place one even if you have fancied him you are a young woman and your hormones are racing at this age... all of our hormones were racing at this age trust me... even if it was plesurable doesn't mean it was right and the feelings you are have indicate this 1 this is your mother's husband, 2 - he is supposed to be acting like a father not your lover, three there is so much for you to experience in life, talk to your mother she is the one that carried you for nine months and worried and fretted everytime you left the house, she was there when you banged up your knee or fell down when you were younger. let her her know how you feel about what happend and above all tell her because trust me you don't want her to hear it from someone else. and remember in a court of law this man raped you whether you were willing or not.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007):

This is a very difficult situation for you. You said you have fancied your stepfather since you were 12, so it sounds like you were acting out a fantasy. Did you WANT to have oral sex with him? And who made the first move, him or you?

What's difficult about this siutation is that if you tell your mother about it, she will likely divorce your stepfather or have him arrested and he could to go prison. So things might get worse if you tell her. But you also obviously don't want to go back home because you are afraid you'll have sex with your stepdad. So you should try and talk to him and tell him what happened was a mistake and that you don't want to have sex with him again -- if this is the truth. So the question is, are you still sexually attracted to your stepfather? You said you are afraid to go back home because "something might happen." Are you saying you are afraid you will want to have sex with him again if you go back home? If that is the case, then you should probably see a therapist before you go back home so you can deal with that feeling and get rid of it.

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A female reader, Yogichickk United States +, writes (20 October 2007):

Yogichickk agony auntWhat's done cannot be undone. Speak the truth. They are adults, they will handle it. You cannot.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

However, I do agree with Dapone1 that your stepdad should have known better. I mean that is the key obvious there. Now it's really on how you're going to go on about this. Whatever you choose, you have to remember, what type of man would cheat on his wife with her daughter? Then again, without sugar coating and pillow stuffing my words, exactly *how* vulnerable were you when you were sitting on his bed with a tower draped over his genitals, 'luring' you to give him head? Did it turn you on? Just because you were upset, doesn't mean you weren't willing.

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A male reader, dapone 1 United Kingdom +, writes (19 October 2007):

dapone 1 agony aunthi

the way i see it is he is a male adult, and your still at school,you should not have bj him, but because he is an adult he should have know better than to put you in that situation and take advantage of you,i now for a fact that this person should not now be married to your mum, because he has cheated on her, sorry babe their is only one way out of this situation, that is tell your mum what has happened, it is going to be hard for you but she should know what has happened to her little girl, the danger is if you dont tell her and they have a row and the truth comes out what will happen then , do remember THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT he should have known better as specially as he is your step dad.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

I don't think this is statuatory rape, and regardless of whether the stepfather is a horny bastard or not, the missing factor in this is whether Ms. 16 year old anon here went along with it or was she forced into it.

If a girl is ready and willing to have sex with her 15 to 18 year old boyfriend, she is ready and willing to have sex with anyone of any age. She said that she is attracted to the step father. The only reason from my perspective is that she felt upset because she felt guilty in helping the stepfather cheat on his wife which is her mom.

So before anyone point all their fingers at the stepfather and say he is a sick bastard, we have to look at this more objectively.

As for the Ms. Anon 16 year old, what you can do is break up the marriage and tell your mom the truth, or keep the marriage, and make yourself never do this again, and if you can carry this facade, then you must not continue to allow this to happen. If you do, then you are no better than the step-dad that you gave oral to.

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A female reader, ohwoesme United States +, writes (19 October 2007):

Sound's like your Mom had you at a young age. I think you should talk to your Mom, what happened is statuatory rape. Sex is a big deal and it should be between 2 people that care for one another ... when you get older..which believe me I wish I was still your age...not many woman are able to "just have sex"..feeling's come into play...emotional, not just physical..You should immediately tell someone you trust what happened..do you trust your aunt?..Your mother's boyfriend was wrong for allowing this to happen. Even if you feel attracted to someone ... you have to use self control when you know something is wrong.

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