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I found shemale videos in my husbands car! We've both tested positive for HIV.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Gay relationships, Health, Marriage problems, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 November 2007) 6 Answers - (Newest, 21 November 2007)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been married for almost 12 years. Six years ago, I found shemale videos hidden in my husband's car. He had rented a post office box in another town to order them. I confronted him then and he tossed the videos and swore never to engage in that activity again. I recently discovered tht for the past four years he has been using a false identity on yahoo and has been conversing with shemales. Three years ago (from the emails) he actually met a shemale in person. I can only guess that it did not go well because he did not meet another in person again. However, I did find more than 80 transgender groups in his yahoo groups and photos of him with items inserted in his anus posted online. He said that he only posted the pictures to get a better response. I am concerned that he is gay and in denial. I should also mention that we have 4 kids and are in the middle of closing on our house. He was also recently diagnosed with HIV. I have subsequently tested positive. He told the health official that he contracted the virus from a woman. In his eyes would this type of person consider a shemale a woman?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007):

if ur husband is into things like this u shoud defo think of leavin him he obviously is'nt interested in you u need to confront him think about it, hes the man who gave u h.i.v luv donnay x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Our twins (the last of our kids) were born in 2004. I had a very difficult pregnancy and was tested for everything -- I was negative way back then. I also ended up going through medical treatment and a subsequent surgery two years after the boys were born. I was negative then. My doctor feels pretty sure that he contracted the virus last year. I have had no symptoms and need no medication now - Thank God. He had a lympectomy this summer. I had no idea that he had HIV then. Our doctor suspected cancer. I find it so hard to look him in the face. The anger almost consumes me at times. I can't wait until we close on the house so I can start divorce proceedings. I can afford to take care of everything on my own, but I know it will be difficult to convince a bank to give a $250K mortgage to a divorced mom with four kids.

I have strongly suggested that he go to counseling to deal with the lying and to face his sexuality. When I thought he had had an affair and contracted HIV from a woman, it hurt. I felt betrayed. I was able to deal with the situation and felt that in time maybe this would make us stronger as a couple. I felt that our sexual life was over but I hoped that the friendship that we had would be enough.

When I found the information on the computer I felt physically sick. An affair brought on by an attraction is one thing. Living a secret life for the past four years is unforgiveable. Everything that I thought was real was fake. I just hope that I can make it through the next few months without losing it.

I have told my mother. She has agreed to keep this a secret from the rest of my family and has been very supportive. That means a lot.

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A female reader, love-him United Kingdom +, writes (20 November 2007):

love-him agony auntYou need to ensure that your children are checked now, just incase there is the possibility that he or you had the disease before the children were born. It doesnt make a differnce if he is attracted to transgender people, this does not mean he is gay, and the items being inserted could be that he is bisexual. If indeed he did pass this to you, which i feel for you that you have it, then this is the problem, and you now need to think about the future, and wether or not to tell your children. please, dont take any of what i said in a bad way, i wish you all the luck in the world :) .

Mail me if you would like to talk x

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A male reader, dominick5000 United States +, writes (20 November 2007):

I think this is a serious issue and you need to see a counselor ASAP. I need you to realize that you have been living a big lie with your husband. Nevertheless, you are taking the situation in a calm faschion which is the best thing to do. Grab the kids, sell the house, do what ever needs to be done but leave your husband. How could you look someone in the eye when they have given you HIV. Just thinking about this incident is freacking me out and I have through bad stuff.

Best of luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

What seems to have begun as a fantasy or a curiosity was taken far out of hand, to the point that a potentially fatal illness has been passed to you.

It is a sad situation and always a hard one when children are involved, but at this point you have no reason to have ANY trust for him. The best thing you can do is get yourself away from this man. It is very hard for people to break their addictions and it seems that this man is not only addicted to infidelity, but lying as well. You need to make a hard decision here, and he needs a psychiatrist.

Have you told anyone close to you as in family or friends? What are their responses to this?

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A male reader, TomWilkinson United Kingdom +, writes (20 November 2007):

TomWilkinson agony auntJust because he is attracted to "shemales" does not make him gay, it could just be curiousity or something that turns him on. I think you're missing the point here, whether he contracted it from a woman, man or "shemale", it doesn't matter, the fact of the matter is that he has passed a potentially fatal illness to you, the gender of the person he contracted it from is irrelevant.

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