A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Regretfully, I snooped on my girlfriend's emails to either confirm or deny some suspicions. I found out she had lied to me about seeing a particular guy I had specifically questioned her about a while ago. She even made me believe her lies. But now I know the truth I feel very hurt. We weren't exclusive at the time, but it has upset me. I know trust must exist in a relationship, and we've both broken that in some way.There was also some email flirting with other guys. She hasn't done it in a few months as her feelings for me have become more serious. She is generally a sweet girl and is probably lying to protect my feelings, but I get hurt easily and am not sure if I can forgive and forget.The question is, should I confront her about this and pretty much doom our relationship, or find it in my heart to forgive her? Very confused.
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male
reader, q1605  +, writes (26 February 2008):
If you were not exclusive then she didn't cheat.If she sugar coated what she did back then it was for your comfort and not because she is inherently deceptive As your relationship with her intensified so did her commitment to you. It followed a natural progression towards a committed relationship and she seems to have been at the appropriate level of respect wherever you look in on the arc of your relationship. you are looking to retroactively impose todays standards on yesterdays non committed state. It's not fair to her, and you will cheat yourself out of a woman that obviously means a great deal to you.
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (26 February 2008):
If you were not exclusive then she didn't cheat.If she sugar coated what she did back then it was for your comfort and not because she is inherently deceptive As your relationship with her intensified so did her commitment to you. It followed a natural progression towards a committed relationship and she seems to have been at the appropriate level of respect wherever you look in on the arc of your relationship. you are looking to retroactively impose todays standards on yesterdays non committed state. It's not fair to her, and you will cheat yourself out of a woman that obviously means a great deal to you.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  + ♥, writes (26 February 2008):
 Hi,
you only have to look at the plethora of posts we get here with jealous boyfriends/husbands obsessed by their partners past lovers , so it's no wonder a lot of girls will tell a white lie to cover up sexual relations in the past. And lets face it you say yourself you are easily hurt, so what on earth would she have to gain from telling you about a dalliance she had while you two weren't exclusive? It's a no brainer to me.
But you are right about one thing, if you confront her it will probably be over between you two ( you have betrayed her trust by spying on her which a lot of people will see as unforgiveable), but if you can't get it out of your head its probably best to let her meet someone else and you can try and sort out your issues as a single guy before recommiting to someone.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (25 February 2008):
 This is a tough one. I really understand where you are coming from on this: I've been in this situation a couple of times.
The first one, my boyfriend and I were living together and I just had this feeling about something he had said so I looked through his stuff and found a letter he had written to some girl at work. Never told him but I was pretty upset.
The most embarrassing thing was I stalked him at work a couple of times (drove by to see who's cars where there) and at this point I felt psycho. Of course, it all came out he was cheating on me and I broke up with him.
I made one promise to myself that if I ever had that gut feeling again, I would address the trust issue in my relationship directly and not degrade myself.
A few years later I was in another long-term relationship and I don't know what it was but I got the feeling he was lying about something or hiding something. I kept my promise and discussed it with him like a mature person.
Everything went well but then those doubts kept creeping back in. I ended up looking through a drawer he had in his room and found all sorts of pornography and receipts to strip clubs, etc...It all came out that he had some sort of sexual addiction problem, etc...GROSS, that relationship obviously was over.
What I am trying to tell you is that you should always stick to your gut feelings and you know now you can. Next time, you won't need to snoop like I did (because it makes you feel bad) and then it becomes a trust issue both ways.
I have had many relationships and those were the only two that I ever got like that. I don't go there anymore. If I don't trust, I bring it up, and if I still feel uneasy...I take a step back from the relationship and tell the person why I am doing it. If I continue to feel uncomfortable, it is usually for a good reason.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you fully appreciate how important trust is to a relationship and how that lack of trust can destroy it.
You also sound like a pretty decent guy. That first guy I was telling you about always searched through my stuff and I think he was just trying to find a justification to cheat. Most guys would use that info you found to justify cheating in return at some point, like an ace card.
You sound like a guy that really loves his girlfriend and wants the best for the relationship. I can promise you, whether this works out or not, you will find that special person because there are not a lot of guys out there like you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I think you have more or less answered your own question. You say you would get upset by stuff so she had just decided not to tell you rather than upset you. If you are closer now then explain how you feel and talk to her about it. You have to be open and honest in a relationship at all times, or it doesnt work. Just talk to her and i am sure she will be ok.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (25 February 2008):
Well you wernt exclusive so maybe she lied because she didnt wanna hurt you. Maybe she figured why tell him only to make him upset? If this behavior has stopped then you should put it behind you. If you are exclusive now and questioning her about her actions, well that is different confront her. But if you are content then forget it put it behind you. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Lucy2118 +, writes (25 February 2008):
 I think you should ask her again and if she lies again, confront her. If she cares about you the way you say she does she'll be mad for a while but let her cool off for a while, she'll want to solve the problem as much as you do. You both need to talk about this otherwise the problem will get bigger. Hope that helps :). X
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A
male
reader, FinnMcCool +, writes (25 February 2008):
 If she hasn't been seeing/ emailing other guys for some time now and you believe it is a result of her growing affection for you then you are going to have to deal with this by trying to forget. If she is worth it, you'll do it! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 The only person who don't tell a lie is GOD!!!!!!!
Don't be too judgmental of her.
Sometimes , you have to tell a white lie to make a person happy or we don't want to hurt them.
If you confront her, it means that you have been snooping on her and that is a worse sin than telling a lie.
It could also mean that her love for you would flew out the window.
The best strategy is to keep quiet and whatever she tells you , you will have to filter it and find the truth behind it.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (25 February 2008):
 Well, I have been here done that so I feel uniquely qualified to answer your questions...
First off is it really true that you were non exclusive when she was seeing this other guy and lying about it? If so, let it go.....she was trying to protect your feelings not to play you, but to keep you......and if you are now exclusive and it has been several months since she has seen him then you have your answer, she is being faithful to you.
If you admit to viewing her emails, then she will not trust you anymore, so don't admit to this ever, ever...and don't do it again, unless you absolutely think she is cheating...and be prepared to walk away from the relationship....if you can't trust her, if your gut is telling you can't then listen to your gut, she isn't the right girl for you, and no you are not too sensitive and get your feeling easily hurt, feelings are what they are and you are responsible for them....and how you handle them...if you cannot trust this girl, if you think your love for her is greater than hers for you, then find someone else, don't put yourself through this agony of checking, if you can't stop checking then there is something WRONG WITH THE RELATIONSHIP that either needs to be worked out or a decision needs to be made that it is not working....OK?
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