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I found out my wife worked as a prostitute

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 November 2014) 12 Answers - (Newest, 23 November 2014)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I got married 6 months ago. After marriage i found out my wife i

Was a prostitute im just shell shocked. I dont know how to cope with it? Im just gone mental. I told her how treeible im feeling roght now and i told her to end this marriage just asked her for marriage annulment. But she says shes not doing that she wont give up this marriage so easily. A d i can see her trying her best. Its sad thing for me. I want not to break up with her at times. And then i cant take out the the fact She was just A prostitute. To be honest i cant love with a prostitute. But i just cant believe she was the one. Please help me to get past this misery. Thank you all.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (23 November 2014):

janniepeg agony auntIt's not impossible for you to forgive her misrespresentation and move on from this. It takes mental discipline and it helps you love her for many qualities she has and that she is so much more than her past. But I think you will eventually divorce her just because you can and for the fact that many young women have never been escorts. You have no kids and are young to start over again.

I would have sympathy for her if she had a bad past such as being sexually abused. She turned to drugs for self medication and then got exploited into the business. She truly regrets her past and is a new healthy woman now.

I would not forgive her if she chose to be an escort as a quick way to make money for college, a luxurious lifestyle and then once she's past 25 she is going to find some sucker to settle down and to have a family. She's transitioning but have struggles. If she had had a boyfriend but still hiding her escorting that's a big no no.

I think any woman who chooses to be an escort has to be realistic that she has already ruined her future potential as a wife and not be surprised that men like you would react like this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014):

If you allow your partner to look at porn, then why not allow them to hire prostitutes, too?

That's the difference.

Also, being a pornstar does not equate to being a prostitute. There is lots of spillover these days but that didn't used to be so true. Lots of happy consenting couples make some very hot porn these days. Plenty of porn viewers like amateur stuff better than professional porn for these very reasons, it feels more genuine and leaves a better taste in your mouth.

And none of this helps the O.P. with his plight. There are men on earth who look at naked women on the computer, therefore this man has no right to take issue with his wife lying to him about her values and past?

The O.P.'s wife had no right to put him in this position. The O.P. being born with a penis does not take away his right to feel terrible about finding out that his spouse is not who she told him she was. And now she refuses to cooperate when he wants to split up. Its not his fault, its not his responsibility to deal with it, and its not likely to ever get better if he tries to tough it out. He should be divorcing her.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (22 November 2014):

YouWish agony aunt"Prostitutes are people too. But so are men. Millions of us have never hired a prostitute."

Not to be a devil's advocate here, and I don't have a problem with porn unless it's a spun out of control addiction like alcohol can be, but if you "millions" who have never hired a prostitute have ever logged onto the internet or watched it on TV, then you *have* hired a prostitute.

Porn stars have sex for money, just like escorts or prostitutes. They do it on camera and get paid. If you have been a consumer of porn, that makes you a John-By-Proxy.

Let me ask this - if this woman who was an escort in the past is 100% disease and drug free and faithful, why would that be any different from a guy who spent years having one night stands or is a porn user?? He is part of her "demand", right? What makes her automatically unloveable?

Yeah, I think this is the same OP. He was attracted to her because she is stunning, a fact which in the past got her many thousands of dollars. These same men who take issue because their girlfriends were escorts in their past, CHOSE them because their looks make them "trophies".

So what makes her unloveable, besides the fact that she sold sex? Is it ego or territory? The thought that many men had her prior and paid for it? If she's disease free, what is the difference? I'm guessing her looks as an escort are knockout exceptional, as most escorts are.

Not to be blunt, OP, but if you're the same guy who keeps posting about your wife, time to sh*t or get off the pot. I guarantee that if you divorce her, she'll have 10 more guys lined up.

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A male reader, lifesgreat United Kingdom +, writes (22 November 2014):

I feel you may have asked this before and your wife did not tell you she was one if I am correct.

in which case you have asked this a few times.

It sounds as if you do really care/love her but you can not get over this fact . IF it was me I would of ended marriage but that's me.

Yet here you are still wanting something or somebody to tell you something that will make it ok.

So in that case go to counselling like people have said because you are still fighting for her in your own head so to speak

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (22 November 2014):

Hi OP. I'm guessing by your age, the dates and your location that you are the same man who has posted about this several times before?

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-found-my-new-wife-on-an-escort.html

If so, then it doesn't seem to me like you are going to be able to get over this without counselling (if at all). Have you been for any?

One thing I will say is that it does sound like you have placed your wife on a pedestal and that is what you are finding hardest to let go of. You married her after a short LDR, in which it doesn't sound like you saw each other in person. I know you knew her from a long time ago, but that's not the same as knowing someone in person who you see every day. People can and do change.

What sort of things did you talk about before you got married? Did you have a discussion about sexual histories? It sounds like you expected her to be a virgin/inexperienced (since you were shocked by her request to role-play)? Did you talk about your values? Your morals? Or did you just expect her to be the same sweet, innocent girl you knew as a child?

OP, it sounds as though you have married the idea of her, yet you didn't really know her well at all. Yes it must have been a shock to find this out, and I do feel for you, but it doesn't sound like she's lied to you. It sounds more like you have had a preconceived idea of her and that idea doesn't match who she really is.

If you want this marriage to work (and I'd understand if you didn't, but I think you do because you keep asking about it) then you will need to let go of your ideal image of her and find out who she REALLY is. If you can't or won't do that, then there is no hope. What can't happen though, is you can't keep punishing her and wishing you could change the past. If you can't let this go, then end the marriage and let her find someone who loves her for herself.

I'd also like to add one final point. In your follow-up, you admit that you yourself have paid for sex in the past. Don't you think that's a bit hypocritical? Why is it ok for you to buy, but the woman who sells (to men like you) is to be judged for it?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014):

A history of prostitution is not the kind of thing that falls under "well you didn't ask" or "I didn't know it would bother you so much".

What are men supposed to do, go around asking our dates if they have ever worked as prostitutes? Quite a few women would storm off or even slap us in the face for asking! Are we supposed to only ask when the answer turns out to be yes? We are not mind readers.

Prostitutes are people too. But so are men. Millions of us have never hired a prostitute. We have the right to avoid dating someone if their values don't match what we are looking for. Former prostitutes have a right to happiness too but not when they lie to their spouse and emotionally wreck him to do it. If everyone was honest with each other these problems would not happen.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (22 November 2014):

YouWish agony auntTo the OP, how do you know she was one? And was she an escort (i.e. high paying)?

To the male anon, I totally get where you're coming from, and I'd agree with you if she LIED to him about her past or misrepresented who she was.

However, if she is disease free and has been 100% faithful to him throughout their entire relationship, and it didn't come up, then if he didn't get to know her, then her past is her past, right? Didn't he also have a sexual history?

I know guys have a harder time with this sort of thing (porn stars and prostitutes), and to be honest, I think this is one of the most hypocritical things about guys' judgments, given that most guys watch porn, which is women being paid for sex. Just because the guy didn't do it himself doesn't mean he didn't contribute to the demand.

Prostitutes (in your wife's case, I'm guessing she's a FORMER prostitute) are women too. Should they wear a scarlet letter or a sign on their head?? I think if the OP watches porn, that makes him just as "unclean" as her, if you're inclined to judge that sort of thing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014):

I don't understand these "if you love her then forgive her"- comments. It's not fair she married you and was not honest with you about her past. Your marriage is based on a lie. I would forget about her and move on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014):

How can he love his wife? He was in love with someone who was not willing to be a prostitute. That was a factor in his feelings for her. Now he finds out she is really someone else. The O.P. is in a no-win situation. Its not his fault and his options are pretty awful for him no matter what he does.

Many people read these problems and say "If you love her then you won't leave her over this." But I say if SHE loved him then she wouldn't have DONE this to him!

If you love someone then you would be willing to SPARE them this hurt even if it means losing them. That is sacrificing for them. That is love. Love is not inflicting a permanent emotional hurt on someone because it gets you what you want from them, and then telling them it's their problem to deal with it once you reveal the truth.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (22 November 2014):

If you love your wife, I think you should forgive her.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (22 November 2014):

It's partially your fault for not getting to know her better before you asked her to marry you. You acted on your immediate feelings; and impulsively got married. You didn't take anytime to discover the person you were supposedly giving your heart to. Maybe you were infatuated with her beauty and overcome by lust. That's usually how this sort of thing happens. I speculate you married the woman for all the wrong reasons, and it has bitten you in the ass!

If all of a sudden you're out of love, you were never in-love with her in the first place. Whether she was a prostitute or not. You placed her up on a pedestal and idolized her; most likely because she is a "pretty woman."

Pardon the pun!

Give yourself some time to wrap your head around all this; so you will handle getting out of it, better than you handled getting yourself into it!

If you love her, perhaps you may have to learn to forgive her for her past. If you don't love her, she will find no happiness in being with you. I suggest you immediately pursue your legal options.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014):

Did she admit she was one or did u find out from someone else ? Has she told u why she did it ? And remember the words u used , she WAS a prostitute she ISN'T one now , u need to talk to each other about both ur feelings and how to move forward just don't get angry and argue that gets no-one anywhere

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