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I found out my husband fathered another child! What should I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 October 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2011)
A female Ireland age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm so confused.

I've been married to my husband for nine years next month, and we have two boys together, who are five and three. We were a happy family up until last night when my husband told me that he'd fathered a child, another boy, with another woman. I didn't react, because I think I was shocked, but now I've come out of it, I'm so angry, hurt, embittered and, more importantly, upset for my little boys. It's not their fault that their dad is such an idiot. But I don't think I can forgive him. From what he's told me, it was a one night stand with a work colleague when he was away on business, but that still doesn't forgive him, does it?

I'm so confused and don't know what to do....how on earth will I get through this? Do I bother saving my marriage for the sake of my boys or do I go my own way with them?

View related questions: one night stand

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011):

this man doesnt respect you. believe i have been in your place. the best is to save time, get a divorce and that way the woman wont get child support from YOUR money too. if you both are still married, you will have to support his child too. it's simple. it's his loss. be sure you dont make it your loss too in the long run. get out now!

ps- i am very sorry this has happened to you

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (25 October 2011):

Honeypie agony auntDid this happen before you were married? How old is the child? Is he paying support to the mother?

Can you forgive it? Well, that is totally up to you.

I don't see he has ANY excuse to cheat. And being DUMB enough to not even use protection?

I think the ball is in your court. It's your choice.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (24 October 2011):

chigirl agony auntWhat has your husbands response been? How far on the way is this other child? Is it already born perhaps? Why did he not use protection?

Has he gotten himself checked for STI's? Get yourself checked too. Was it a one time thing?

Is he begging to keep the marriage? What are his plans concerning this other child?

Your little boys will eventually meet this other sibling of theirs. You can't keep them away from it, certainly not if you leave your husband, because he'll probably end up having to take care of all three children together on several occasions.

Hypothetically in your shoes I'd have the husband moved out temporarily. If he wants to repair the marriage he at least needs to show whether or not you should even consider it. If he's eager to move and live with this other woman then no, you can't keep him around. But if he wants you and his family he needs to fight for it... So ask him first what his plans are, if he wants to fight for the marriage, in which case you will think long and hard.

If he just wants to move out and have a divorce then there's not much to think about.

If he wants the marriage, have him move out, and maybe take the kids off your hands for some days, to give you space and time to think. Maybe you should go somewhere where you can have peace and quiet to think about things. Keep communication lines with him open.

You can get through this. But you need time to think, and time to let it sink in, and time to reflect and find out what you want in all of this, and how you can achieve what you want.

And get your frustration and anger out in some way, preferably not by throwing things at him, but by working out, running, hiking, doing something physically tiring. You'll think better when you are moving as well.

And write. Write down your thoughts and reasons to do what you wish to do.

You'll get through, one way or the other, you will get through this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2011):

The question is can he be trusted again? i mean would he have told you if he hadn't fathered a child?

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A male reader, landomando United States +, writes (24 October 2011):

WEll was this before your marriage. Or did he cheat on you?

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