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doofus
writes: I am concerned about my daughter. She is 18 at Xmas and has been very friendly with a girl a year younger. They are good friends and I have let my daughter stay overnight at her place on many many occasions. Her friend has also stayed here as well.My daughter left the PC on and was on her screen. I know I was wrong and it hurts me now. I accessed her email and found a few emails sent to a friend in London stating that she is bi and has been having a great time with her girlfriend. She spoke of some explicit sexual things.I am now shocked by this. i cannot tell my wife as she will be devastated.My daughter is always asking if she can stay at her girlfriend's house. It is difficult for me to say no as I am not supposed to know what is going on. We live in a small market town, we moved here from London a few years ago. There is not much going on in the town , so I let her stay with her friends now and again.I cannot know face my daughter in the same way. I am sure she thinks that I have become grumpy and miserable lately. I am 59.I have thoughts of her not marrying and having children and bringing up a family. I am lost as to what to do. Should I let her stay at her friends house again? should I let them stay in our house and use the same room , which they do.Please help. Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): You're her parent so I'd put these silly feelings aside. Being gay or bi is not a feature of ill, bad, or troubled people, therefore there is nothing to worry about. It's just a feature of your daughter. Many parents worry about an offsprings sexuallity if its other than hetrosexual but never think why are they worried, if there is a reason at all. If you're worried because of what people will think you may need to do a bit of growing up yourself. I mean no offense by that but lets face it thats being a very weak personality. If its not that and its just you feel its not normal then its only because its not normal to you, it is to her and she's doing no harm. You've got to ask yourself why the worry if she's not doing anything wrong, illegal or just plain bad. You need to think about the reason for you feeling this way. I believe that's what the real problem is here and not the way your daughter is. And besides, would you really feel any better if she was staying in a boys room instead? You've have more questions to ask yourself than your daughter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): I read your comment and i think you should just bring up the subject ramdomly and see if she tells, if not just let her live life, it might be a phase shes going through? Bi, it means she likes boys aswell! Don't worry, my daugter, also bisexual, i have just learnt to live with it. i love her for who she is! Wouldnt you like to be accepted?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005): Oh dear, you poor dufus daddy, you... I am the mother of a grown daughter as well, and really feel for your situation, and can just imagine how much pain and dissapointment you must be feeling, but...She is only living her real self, if that is what she rekons she is, then no amount of talkng is going to persuade her otherwise... You just have to let her be who she really is and live her authentic life, rather than live her whole life in a lie. Good Luck, and dont read any more of her emails.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005):
Look- being Lez is trendy. She will grow out of it like bangs.
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reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (4 November 2005):
I know it must be hard for you especially at 59, but what's happening with your daughter is perfectly natural.You have grown up in an era when society made it seem unacceptable, but the fact is that today, bi sexuality, homosexuality, is no longer the issue that it was in your time. I admit that small towns can still hold prejudices, but that is not really your daughters problem.
Try looking at it as two people, finding happiness together.It's your daughter's life and all you can do is support her, and be there for her should she need you.
Love is for sharing, and who is to decide who another should share their love with.
And I wouldn't worry too much about the breach of privacy. Chances are she may have subconsciously wanted you to find out.
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female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (1 November 2005):
 You really need to speak to your daughter about this, as others have said. I think it might be a good idea to discuss this with your wife first, as you're obviously struggling to know how to handle the situation - you say she'd be devastated but I think you might be surprised. It's also a good idea for you to have a think about your own prejudices - bear in mind that whether she's gay or straight, your daughter may well choose not to marry and have kids; lots of women make this sort of choice these days, and it sounds to me as though it's actually the gay thing that is the problem for you rather than the family thing. This is a shame, and if you keep thinking this way you could very easily end up losing your daughter entirely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): Welcome to the 21st Century! Yes, there are actually people who are gay! And yes, they can be your own daughter.GASP! I don't see where the big deal is.It's natural for young people to experiment with sex.It's better for your daughter to be with a nice girlfriend who will treat her right, than a horrible boyfriend who will break her heart.Not everybody wants to have a family, and you should let your daughter chose the lifestyle she wants.If you had children so that they would replicate your lifestyle, then, that's regrettable.At 18, she has the right to find what feels right for her.Maybe she is just experimenting, maybe not.Maybe she will end up with a woman, maybe with a man.She is old enough to make her own choices, and I think you should leave her alone and let her see her g.friend.Obviously, she hasn't spoken about her bisexuality because she KNOWS you will not approve.Look for the PFLAG website and get advice and support from parents of Gay/Bisexual and Transgendered children.It's time to confront your prejudice about bisexuality and to open your mind to the fact that your daughter is her own person.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005): Hello,
Now i am sure your worried but you have to consider the folowing:
A. Your daughter is now 18 and is an adult and has a right to do what she likes.
B. I said she is 18 and an adult but just being 18 does not mean your mature and as i have never met your daughter i cannot comment on this.
C. Alot of girls are having this phase at the moment. Half the girls i know are bi but most grow out of this.
D. YOU should not be worried, as yes she is your daughter but she is not five years old now and you need to start letting go.
Seeing how feel on the subject You should let her stay at her friends house, she has to have some freedom.
But now letting them use the same house in your room is a diffrent matter. Personaly i would let them use it knowing she is home and out of trouble butif you feel you can't allow this to happen in your own home this is understandable.
Now confronting her about this isnot an easy option.
Depending on how close you feel with your daughter.
If you are close: Sit her down say for a cup of tea and ask her about it and wonder where she came to the conclusion that she was bi.
OR
If you are not very close: I suggest you ask in a indirect situation say infront of a film.
I would suggest one with a lot of shall we say men that all girls would like to go out with.
And ask indirectly how about him e.t.c you know think his good looking e.t.c
Then indirectly take the darling beauty of the film then ask e.t.c pritty and if you get something push on it but not too much.
I hope this helps
anon
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female
reader, kym +, writes (31 October 2005):
i think you should talk to your daughter in the open. ask her about her sexuality. However i also think if she confronts you and says she is i really suggest you respect her for that and dont change the way you treat her shes still you daughter and you should love her no matter what, also if she confesses i think your wife should know, if you wife loves her like she should she will accept it and understand. i believe its your daughters path and if shes happy you should be too.
(oh and if your daughter does confess, i say good for her, its absoulty nothing to be ashamed of....be proud of what your daughter is not who you and your wife want her to be)
all the best
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