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I found out my brother has been having an affair. Should I tell his wife or keep quiet?

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 January 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2017)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My brother has been having an affair with a single woman who is 15 years his junior. It has been ongoing for more than 3 years.

I am very close to his wife and kids and accidentally found out about it last week when he sent me a text meant for her.

It was rather explicit, quite telling and he called her by name.

I confronted him. I have told him he needs to stop. I am sickened by the thought of how much it would hurt his wife and family if it ever came out that he was in an affair.

And he seems like a totally different man. I can see that the stress is weighing on him carrying on this way but he still does carry on! He told me he tried to leave her several times towards the beginning but ended up going back.

He seems completely dedicated to her, to this affair. He says he can't leave her. He would feel lost. That she needed him. That she would be distraught if he left her. He has given all kinds of excuses. He seems to be addicted to this woman. And she seems to think he is some kind of hero! I do not know what it is that makes her so special that he is willing to risk his marriage for her!

Can any of you offer some advice on how I can deal with this? I am wondering if I should tell his wife? Or if I should not say anything out of loyalty to my brother? It is difficult for me knowing this secret and standing by, watching him hurt his family without saying a word. I feel very guilty.

What can I do?

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (26 January 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Ever think of talking to your brother?? After all he is your brother. His wife has nothing to do with you.

Go to him and tell straight up about what he is doing. Let his own guilt be his teacher.

If he refuses to listen, then sit back and watch what happens...Life will make you pay faster after you have been warned.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (26 January 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Incorrect. Affairs can drag on 10, 20 years , indefinitely... when it's simpler and more convenient to either party ( the married person who is cheating on a spouse ), or more seldom, to both.

Some people are excellent at sharing their life among neat, different compartments- and keeping it like that. It is obvious that a wife -and kids- fulfill different needs and occupy different mind / heart spaces in a man's life. So this type of man will try and, some times, succeed, as in your brother's case, to keep their cake and eat it too.

Over 3 years and he has not left already ?... Then I think that it is very unlikely that your brother will EVER change the status quo, unless he is forced. It works so well for him, as it is, why changing it ?.

That does not mean that the situation is just peachy- in fact, it's quite terrible, for the betrayed wife- and for you who get caught between loyalties.

While on impulse I'd agree with Honeypie and Youwish, and telling the wife would seem the right thing to do because you are her friend, - in practice I don't know if I'd be so brave to follow my own advice. Blood is thicker than water, and brothers more "valuable ", as cold-hearted as this sounds,than SILs. Maybe your brother would not take it kindly if you ratted on him, and would cut his ties with you. Or, maybe SIL would not try to forgive , to heal their relationship, maybe she would just kick him out right away, on principle ; and the disgregation of this family would be , not your fault- it is HIS fault- but your responsibility, if you know what I mean, you'd be what triggered everything ; a very uncomfortable role toward everybody involved.

So perhaps Youcannotbeserious' advice is the best. Put as much pressure as you can on him about ending the affair, and then, when you have tried your best, step back . If he is so besotted, so distracted by his affair,... well distraction very often turns into absent-mindedness and carelessness ; he'll slip up and get himself caught.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (26 January 2017):

YouWish agony auntOP, what you described in your follow up isn't unusual, and even though you characterized them as "reality", they're not. Many affairs actually last a long period of time, and yes, some do end marriages. However, ask yourself this -- why hasn't he left his wife and kids??

He says that his AFFAIR PARTNER has trust issues?! There's no such thing as trust in an affair! She wants him to leave his family. Many guys will spend years saying whatever it takes to quell the demands of the mistress to keep her in the bed and not angry. She could tell his wife, and that's an extra element of an affair if the person he's having the affair with is single.

If you're worried that his wife "will be hurt" by the affair when it comes out, trust me, she is hurting now! There are very few women who love their husbands who don't sense the distance, the pulling away, the alienation of affection. Not easy.

Would you feel this ambiguous if you knew your brother was embezzling money from his business over many years?? Why are affairs and betrayals any less of a devastation? Because they're glorified in film? Because divorce is so commonplace now? No. Anyone who has gone through a cheating partner knows that it's a pain unlike any other.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (26 January 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntAt some point, this affair will come out. Most affairs do, especially ones which go on for any length of time. Then the hurt to his wife and kids will be immense.

In your shoes, I would be putting pressure on your brother to end the affair, even though it doesn't sound like this will happen. I would then step back and leave him to it. If he has already accidentally messaged you instead of his lover, then he will slip up at some point again.

I am sure you have already told him you are worried for his family. If he cannot see what hurt he is lining up for them, - and for himself - then there is nothing more you can do.

Be there for your SIL when the proverbial hits the fan. She will probably want to know if you knew and you will have to admit you did, but I would say that I hoped and prayed the affair would end before she had to find out and that you didn't tell her to save her the pain.

Don't be persuaded to cover for your brother in any way to enable him to carry on this affair.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017):

To add to my previous post,

If you do decide to tell her I would break it to her slowly. The shock can literally be mind-shattering.

I would start by one day saying "is [--] spending enough time with you here at home? His mind seems to be elsewhere these days" or saying "I really don't like the behaviour of my brother lately, he seems to be changing"...alert her to the fact that something's not right.

Drop those comments, then on another day drop the bombshell of "Do you ever wonder if he is having an affair?" She may say "Yes" or she may say "No, why do you say that?"

Then you can say you have reason to believe he may be having one, as you got a text intended for a woman...

I wouldn't break all the details to her at once.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017):

This is not an easy situation for you to be in as witness/bystander. You are understandably conflicted.

In your shoes I would probably first and foremost try to convince my brother to stop the affair, make him see the light. If it seemed like he was going to stop the affair I would probably hold my tongue. Reason being, I would not want to be the messenger who destroys a marriage when there are kids involved (even though it wouldn't really be you destroying it...it would be his actions...but still...).

However, if it really seems like he won't give this affair up, then like you I would be very torn on what to do. On the one hand you could tell her, however you risk placing her in terrible pain and perhaps a position where she feels the need to keep the marriage going for the kids in any event? Then would she have been one of the women who say they would have preferred not to have known? On the other hand, if you don't tell her, your bro continues to have his cake and eat it too, she may be blissfully ignorant of the situation but that is not fair either. She should at least know the terms so that she can cheat as well if she wants, or separate...

I have a feeling that whether you tell or not, this affair will come out somehow.

I guess you have to ask yourself, if you were the wife, would YOU want to be told by a sister? Or would you prefer not to know/ not to be told by someone who is not directly involved?

Then maybe this brings you closer to an answer.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'm with YouWish,

I would tell him: YOU tell your wife OR O do".

Give him the chance to do the right thing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017):

Thank you YouWish. It is the poster of the question.

To be quite frank, he told me his affair partner has issues with him, trust issues and they have had some trying times and arguments over the years. She has been pressing him for more time, more attention, hence the stress. Yet despite those doses of reality, he sticks with her. They have worked through every argument they have had. Always found compromises together and stuck with one another. He has told me she has a lot of baggage but he is willing to accept that as she has accepted his. So, it has become a relationship after this amount of time. I am worried that he is much too invested in the other woman to do the right thing. Many affairs do not last this long. I worry it is much more than a passing fling or it would have been done by now. What if he ever left his family for her?

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (26 January 2017):

YouWish agony auntDid you give your brother an ultimatum? A "you come clean to your wife or I will"?

Loyalty isn't merely to go along with whatever a sibling is doing. Sometimes, it's confronting them with the hard thing and making them better than they are. By bringing this to crisis, you are doing the best thing for him.

Addiction is *exactly* the word for it. Your brother is not your brother right now. The addiction to the illicit has him, and what you're doing, bringing him to crisis, ensuring he comes clean, and moving forward HONESTLY with the woman he has declared his love for and made his vows to. Intervention is the highest form of loyalty.

You're also right. He is devastating his wife, and if he has children, they will be the most impacted by this. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be. All of this free time he is spending with this single woman (in person and through technology) is taking it away from them, not only his wife. If he chooses this single woman and leaves his wife, the illicit nature of the affair will cease.

His affair is so powerful on him because it's not real life. He doesn't wake up next to her every morning and shoulder the tough parts of relationships and life with her. They only see each other at their best and "on their game". He's not arguing with her about bills, kids, jobs, etc. That's as intoxicating as any heroin, cocaine, anything. That crashes back to earth. Always.

I say give him the ultimatum. Let him do the right thing first. If he doesn't, then tell his wife in person and NOT in front of her kids. THEY are the highest priority in this entire issue.

Most guys who have having affairs don't stop to think that once their wives catch wise and leave them, after the gut punch of pain, their lives go on. Your brother is so besotted by this pretty single that he hasn't contemplated what he's throwing away. She will rebound.

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