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I found another man's underwear under the bed!

Tagged as: Cheating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 March 2010) 29 Answers - (Newest, 3 March 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I just found men's underwear under my side of the bed. I'd like advice on what to do.

This weekend, I was searching for a pair of old sneakers and they were shoved way under our bed on my side. I have no clue how long they've been there, I usually just push my older shoes under the bed skirt, and I guess i pushed the underwear under the bed. They are the same size as mine (men's M), but they are Not mine.

Do I confront my wife, upon which she can give be a plausible excuse (however, I can think of very very few legitimate reasons for another man's underwear to be under our bed), or she can deny it and will probably be more careful in the future if she's up to something, or if she admits it, who knows what will happen to our marriage, I guess I will cross that bridge at that time.

Or, do I install a hidden cam in our bedroom? I have the technology, I would just have to get a cam and I can hook it to my computer and record it, my wife would never find out, she's technologically illiterate.

Then if nothing happens for a while, I can just chalk it up to who knows what, of if I do catch and record her in the act of cheating, then I'm on solid ground with proof versus questioning her and getting who knows what for answers.

What do you think? Could this really be some stupid innocent thing, or should I spy on our bedroom to see what's happening.

Thanks.

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A female reader, Cheeks United States +, writes (3 March 2010):

Cheeks agony auntGood luck man. Underwear under the bed that aren't yours...to me, only mean one thing. I would just casually toss them on the table one morning & say "your boyfriend forgot these under the bed" & then go off to work. Let her stew over it. She'll have something creative to say when you get home.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (3 March 2010):

Miamine agony auntQ if you bend anymore you'll fall over and get dizzy.. lol

Secret camera's in the bedroom, distrust first and ask questions last... get evidence just in case you decide to divorce... is this what relationship and marriage is coming too..

Sigh... I just go with my guts, don't need a degree in electronics... One look at my man is enough for me to spot if he's done anything wrong. Maybe technology has blunted our ability to use they damn good comon sense that has been given to us.

Many suggestions here sound like, to paraphrase anon said, "sad, bitter people looking for revenge".

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

q1605- i was not caught with my hand in anything thank you very much! :) I was just thinking about the family- If it was your sister, or daughter, would you want to see that? I can see why you'd want to catch her in the act- from a divorce perspective, from a finding out for sure perspective, but a personal one? How would you really feel if you did that? whatever the outcome? I just think it would make the situation harder for YOU to deal with. It know its sounds ridiculously corny- but doing the right thing is always black and white. It is always yes and no. Is it the right thing to put a camera in your wife's bedroom, to double check she is cheating? No. It isn't right. You want to, and if she is hurting you as you suspect that you have a right to want to, but to actually do it? Don't do that to yourself. I hope you don't do that to yourself.

Every one seems to know from first hand or indirect experience about marriages that became horrible, and conniving and terrifying divorce stories- but the ones who get over it, the couples that make, and the one that move on, and i mean really- move on, are that ones that tried not to cross the lines. They may not have been 100% successful, but they tried and what they did do they took responsibility for. if she is cheating- then f@!* her. But don't do it to yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

-Leaving underwear behind happens only in amateur cinematography and a woman who screws another in your bedroom is no amateur.

-You could spy on her, but get ready for the mother of all drama when you get caught...and you could get caught because you sound too uncertain and troubled to pull the detective act to perfection.

-Then, if she is cheating on you she will be conniving enough to twist this around to lay the blame of your faltering marriage on your distrust and lack of boundaries.

-That is unless you are the one who is having an affair and are swaying your guilt onto her by imagining things that are not there..LOL

- OR maybe you both are having an affair, in which case the affairs will cancel each other out, and you could live happily ever after XD *** I can't wait to get married. It sounds so adventurous!!**

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

This is the last *anon* poster here. I see you're from another country, hence the wrong spelling of the word checks. In the US, a husband or wife can legally sign a check made out to the other. In fact, you can get a loan (except for mortgage) and sign both names yourself. I can take out a 100,000 signature loan, or buy a 40,000 car and sign both my name and my wife's. I believe the question poster is from the US, so my statement stands.

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A female reader, Not My Name Australia +, writes (2 March 2010):

Not My Name agony auntNo anon poster, ... couples can NOT sign each others names on cheques. That is fraud and carries very severe penalties! You might want to have legal FACTS before giving legal advise that could potentially land the OP in court or jail!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

You're getting a lot of advice on here, some good, some wrong.

1st, it is legal for you to record your bedroom. It's not legal to record a guest room, or a bathroom where strangers might expect privacy, but a husband and wife automatically give express consent to such things when you get married. Kind of like you can sign your wife's name and she yours on a check, but you can't do that with a stranger, or even a close friend.

So, now the legal issue is resolved. I would definately snoop before confronting her. I however, wouldn't put it in the bedroom. If she isn't cheating, you will have lost all of her trust. Put a cam on the front porch. Don't tell her yet. If she finds out, so what you did it for security. If you record some guy coming over the house at 8pm and leaving at 5am, you caught her. Good enough for court, you don't need to record the actual sex acts, just a male staying overnight or even for a few hours at the wrong time would win you the divorce and take everything.

If nothing happens, then just one day act like you just found them while searching under the bed. Who knows, she might be bad but it was only a 1 night thing, or it could be a total innocent funny thing. Did you have overnight guests over who put towels and stuff in a laundry hamper? I know the first impulse is to think the worst, but there are other possibilities.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010):

She is your wife. Filming her in your bedroom is the most disgusting thing you could ever do. And what would it achieve? Yes, you could send it out to all your her friends and family in an act of revenge. Lovely. I'm assuming you don't have children then.

What I'm trying to say is, you couldn't use it in court anyway (it is illegal to film someone in their own home without consent) and could see you with a fine or possible jail time. I'm sorry about this situation and you are obviously feeling angry and freaked out, but this is not the way to deal with it.

Ask her what the underwear are doing under the bed. You know her better than anyone here- and it is what a mature person would do. Any one who fuels the anger and bad feeling in you right now and suggests to even consider filming her in her own home and violate your marriage and her privacy as a human being is not helping you out.

That is not going to sort this situation out. Ask her. Someone would have to be pretty stupid to leave your house having been with your wife without pants on. It doesn't sound like you have even considered the fact that she may not be cheating. You are so much better than to sink to such a dirty level, talk to her. If you don't believe her, than you know she is either cheating or the relationship is in such tatters that its needs work or for you to walk away.

sorry about the bluntness- but i think some advice you might get right now is a little bitter and not offering you the best solutions. Being sneaky and underhanded will only make the situation messier, and harder for you.

best of luck- remember you owe it to yourself to talk to her, and sort it out that way.

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A female reader, Angzw Zimbabwe +, writes (2 March 2010):

Hey! I just thought of something. Perhaps there is DNA on the undies! Men usually leave nasty little crusty patches or skid marks (ugh, gag!). So when you confront her about whose they are, tell them you can have a lab test to confirm it!!! Psycho idea? Definitely! A little far fetched? Maybe! But it may scare her into admitting the truth if you are really Gestapo with your approach!!!!! Don't rule out the fact that the guy who left them there could have done it on purpose because why did he leave without them then not tell her to find them? My friend's husband once came home with knickers tucked in his jacket pocket and the mistress later admitted to planting evidence to create a confrontation because she was tired of being a secret.

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A male reader, Red Green 0289 United States +, writes (2 March 2010):

Ok, another story... Years ago I house sat for a friend, and had my GF over. We screwed like bunnies at their house.. and I left a ziplock bag of condoms under her bed. She thought her husband was cheating on her, but had the common sense to ask me a few weeks later... funny thing was SHE was the one having the affair, just not at her house...

Personally, I like the idea of the nanny cam. there are lots of cheaper version on the market today. I'd set one up, check it for 2 to 3 weeks and if nothings on it. Put it away and hope to hell she never finds out. OTOH, if it's got her caught, I'd use the next 3 to 4 weeks to get my affairs in order, print 100 copies and send them out like party invitations...

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (2 March 2010):

DoubleM agony auntWell I think the hidden cam idea is genius. Wish that kind of technology was available during my first marriage, but that was 1965-66. Once I arrived home unexpected and found the bed all messed up, but I couldn't prove a thing.

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A female reader, Not My Name Australia +, writes (2 March 2010):

Not My Name agony auntIf my man secretly filmed me, suspicious or not, just cause or not, he would wanna hope that I was cheating coz if I found out about it he will have ended the relationship the second he set up a camera to spy.

If he did it thinking I can't be trusted, what he would have in effect done is instead shown that he can't be trusted. So OP, it could be your behaviour that ends the relationship - not hers- if you choose to go through with such a thing.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (2 March 2010):

Miamine agony auntoooo.... look shinny jewels..

yep, leaving it a prominent place and waiting for her reaction works well for me..

But you sound like you don't trust her already... without hard evidence are you ever gonna believe. And what happens if she is innocent, are you gonna forget about it, or will it play on your mind for years, as you keep looking of things to accuse her off?

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (2 March 2010):

LazyGuy agony auntWell, if you are sure they are not yours (and women, please, we men are not completely hopeless with our clothes we don't regonize year old underwear, we just pretend so you clean up after us... oops, ignore that... look shiny jewels!) then there really isn't any logical reason a pair of underpants would be under the bed.

And people who cheat often become very arrogant, thinking that they just can't be caught because everyone else is so stupid. If a cheater thought highly of the person they are cheating on, they wouldn't cheat.

If this was recent, put them in a position were she is sure to see find them, but "hidden" so she doesn't know you seen them, and see what happens to them.

If they disappear, you got your answer for sure. If they do not... well, that doesn't proof anything, she just might not recognize who they belonged to.

But be sure they aren't really yours.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (2 March 2010):

Miamine agony auntCould I come home with a strange mans pair of underwear... easily.. lol.. I'm very absentminded... nearly went home with a guy once when I was shopping, even though he's was the wrong colour and fatter and taller..

I got all sorts of bits and bobs in my house that don't belong to me. Grab up me stuff as I'm leaving, and I'll take half your house with me. Then I've got the hording disease, hate to see good things wasted and put in the rubbish. Strange men's underpants are great for washing me windows.

I'm not your wife, but if my ex showed me that as evidence of cheating, I wouldn't be able to lie, and I wouldn't waste time convincing him.. I'd be too busy laughing my head off..

But then again, men know that I'm no cheat.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):

Hidden camera, definately. She's banging a "friend" of your's, I bet. Catch them. I would install the hidden camera, and say that you have to go away for an extra long weekend. Give her a week or ten days to make plans ahead of time with her boyfriend. If she's cheating on you, her dude will be pointing her toes to the ceiling all the time your away. If you come home, and there's nothing on the video, great. Then, however, I would confront her with the underwear, and say that you know (...let her think you already know). See how it plays out... she probably feels guilty and, as a result, she will likely start spilling the beans. See what she says. It might have been a one time thing (though one too many for me, bro). I assume you can also watch the video camera "live" - that would be even better if you want to catch her in the act... I agree, too, that you need to think of the consequences and what your end-goals are... For me, I would kick her slutty ass to the curb.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (1 March 2010):

Frank B Kermit agony auntFor now, act like you did not find them. Do not put them back though. Put it in a plastic bag, seal it, and put it in a safe place in case you need to use it as evidence in the future.

First decide what you are going to do if you do find out she is cheating. That is first and foremost. If you are thinking of getting a divorce, you need to talk to a lawyer first in order to see what can be used against you, and what evidence you need to get the best deal for yourself. A divorce could be very harsh on you because of your gender depending where you live, and what the law requires of you.

The lawyer will be able to tell you things like the law as it regards hidden cameras and such. Furthermore, you might want to, or have to, arrange your finances before you let your wife know that you suspect she is cheating.

Look up some Men's Rights Advocacy Group in your area via the internet. They will have more information so that you can make the right decisions.

-Frank Kermit

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A female reader, Angzw Zimbabwe +, writes (1 March 2010):

Let me tell you something my friend. If you were my husband, I would without a doubt be able to convince you that they were yours and you would even begin to question your own sanity. If you have no other proof, do not assume she will suddenly break down and tell all. Most women I know will go to the grave before admitting anything so circumstantial. For instance I could insist that they were yours from 1947, or I bought them for you for your birthday and forgot where I hid them, or my friend Betty found these in her husband's car and she suspects he's gay and asked me to hide them for her. Or my brother left them when he was visiting and I chucked them under the bed (I'd ensure Betty and my bro back me up), I could go on with convincing excuses. Bottom line, put the camera and also get phone records and maybe a recording device in her car like I did my X (and lemme tell you, I heard some nasty shyt). She lost her right to privacy when she became your wife. You have invested your entire life in her so you deserve to know if she is being true to you. Burying your head in the sand is not a smart way to deal with issues. Its better to know and be hurt rather than never know and be a fool. Set up the cam. Put the undies back where you found them then check in a few days. Good luck.

For those who will feel compelled to rebutt my advice, he has already received other opinions, this is mine.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):

Any 'benevolent' pals that could have planted the evidence there as some sort of a bad taste joke? That sounds so unrealistic but you never know. What's most believable up until now is, I think, eyeswide's suggestion... at least for a marriage as hers, which I'm sure is a great marriage.

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A male reader, GrimmReality United States +, writes (1 March 2010):

GrimmReality agony auntWell you might as well ask her. But of course if she is cheating she will lie to you.

Time to get a Keylogger on your computer. Undoubtedly if she is seeing someone she will have evidence on the computer. It never fails. if she is she will screw up at some point like most cheaters do.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (1 March 2010):

Miamine agony auntJust show her the underwear and ask her who they belong to... after all these years of marriage, isn't there enough understanding about your wife to see when she's telling the truth or lying?

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A male reader, spinnaker United States +, writes (1 March 2010):

spinnaker agony auntthe hidden cam thing is sort of the nuclear option. You pull the trigger on that and your marriage is over no matter what happens. If she finds it, you have a lot of 'splainin to do.

If she is doing something sneaky it is not right to do something equally sneaky in return. BE watchful and see where it goes from there.

I heard of stories of apartment dwellers that have accidentally picked up a pair of extra panties in the common dryer and ended up in embarrassing situations.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):

do NOT spy on her. if you find nothing is going on, and she somehow does find out you've been spying on her, even if you tell her its because you found mens underwear.. she will be furious and hurt that you didnt confront her about it and hid a camera instead! if she is cheating, of course, she is in the wrong. unquestionably. but seriously, you need to ask her. talk to her. theres a very fine line here.. it sounds ridiculous but there could actually be a genuine reason for it.. so many wild things have happened to me that i have an excuse for but without being asked about it, the totally wrong idea is put across. you dont want to be continually suspicious of her incase it ruins your marriage. of course, you dont want to have her cheating on you for years either. so, you ask her. see what she says.. then maybe write in again for advice on this. spying on her is a practical idea but i personally dont think its a good one. good luck! and i hope that she isnt cheating!

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (1 March 2010):

You need to do more digging into this before you can confront her. So watch her carefully, and maybe see about a hidden camera. If they are 100% not yours, then you need to find out how they got there, but be quiet and calm about it.

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A female reader, chloeapple United Kingdom +, writes (1 March 2010):

I don't mean to be blunt, but if you're prepared to film you wife's movements by putting a camera in her bedroom... do you not think that perhaps you don't trust her anyway? Ask her about the underwear.

To be honest, if you re-read your question, its sounds as if you already know and even accept that she may already be cheating. Ask her about the underwear. Is finding this pair of underwear the only reason leading you to think she's had an affair? If so, then I would call off the spyware and talk to her about it. Be calm and don't accuse. If her answer doesn't satisfy you, then ask to look at her mobile phone. As I have said before, i would be pissed if my husband thought i was having an affair and asked to look through my phone, but I would let him look.

Under no circumstances is it EVER ok to film someone without their knowledge, especially in their bedroom. It is also illegal.

I hope you are ok, i and i hope you get the answer you want x

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A female reader, Moo's Mum New Zealand +, writes (1 March 2010):

Moo's Mum agony auntI agree with eyeswideopen that there could be a perfectly innocent explanation for this but I can totally understand how you are feeling too. I think I would go with the hidden cam thing. Or you could leave the undies on the bench (NZ for counter) for her to find and see what she says.

As you say deal with whatever comes along when it happens and try not to panic too much. All the best!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):

I have an idea. You'll have to do this carefully, but it might tell you a lot about what's going on for very little trouble.

Leave the shorts farther out into the room somewhere. Not too obvious, but just enough that she will see them and she won't assume that you have already found them.

If she doesn't do anything about the shorts, that may or may not mean she's cheating. (She may or may not remember that they are the other guy's shorts and not yours.)

But if the shorts disappear as soon as she finds them, then you have your answer. She knew they got there from some other guy besides you, and she didn't want you to know about it. Then you can start trying to get them on tape for your lawyer to play with. (But I don't suggest watching it all the way through if you catch them on the tape. That'll probably just hurt you unnecessarily.)

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (1 March 2010):

eyeswideopen agony auntLet me tell you my story. Years ago my husband found a man's gold wedding band on the door mat by our door. He half jokingly and half seriously wanted to know if I was having an affair. I assured him of course not, I had three little kids at home and I worked part-time, whenever would I be able to find the time to have an affair? He sort of agreed but still looked upset. Mean while I was racking my brains to figure out where the ring could have come from when it dawned on me that the sweet little old apple cider man (circa 87 if he was a day) had been selling his cider a couple of days ago and I had bought some. After lots of phone calls around my neighborhood I was able to find out the old man's name and called him. His daughter answered and said he had been so distraught over the loss of his ring, because his wife had just recently died. Happy ending.

Are you sure they aren't some old pair of yours that you have just forgotten about???

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):

Well, not to make you sound stupid but could they be a very old pair of your underwear? There is a high likelyhood of that surely.

Also, most people ESPECIALLY if they are cheating with someones wife- will be careful to not to leave things behind- ESPECIALLY their under wear!! I would imagine that the man in question would have noticed that he didn't have his pants on when he left.

That said, if you wife was cheating then her lover could have given her the underwear as a gift and she didn't have time to dispose of it and could have stashed it under the bed so that it wouldnt be spotted (especially considering that all the old stuff seems to be shoved under your bed). She could also being sneaky, stash the underwear there in the hopes that if you do find it you will think it is yours. I would imagine if you asked her she will say that they are an old pair of your underwear and that you must have forgotten.

Okay, so what to do?

Just confront her. ITs the honest thing to do- despite the circumstances. I wouldn't really set upa camera and film her for two reasons

1. You REALLY don't want to see your wife with some other guy. Trust me. You might think you want cold hard proof but it will just leave you an emotional mess. Finding out your wife is having an affair is one thing but to actually see it happening is quite another. Save yourself the heartache.

2. She might not be cheating and by putting up cameras you will just be invading her privacy. Yes, she is your wife but providing she is faithful, what she does in the bedroom when she thinks you are not about is her business. Invading the privacy of someone you love and care about is not on.

Show her the underwear. Ask her about it. You will know by her explanation what the deal is.

Good luck. Keep us posted. Interesting one this!

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