A
female
age
51-59,
*ortified
writes:my husband left me over 2 years ago because of a midlife crises,he has been so so nasty to me,he is still living with his parents but does have a girl friend 13 years younger than him self and they are seemingly engaged and planning to marry next year.i have recently found myself wanting him back as i do still love him.is there anything i could possibly do.
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engaged, fiance, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Hi there,I agree with all that has been said and understand the difficulty in "moving on". Your relationship was 21 years of your life and a massive chunk of your identity. Give yourself time to explore life with a new vision. Getting some help through this process will help you work out if this indeed was the marriage or relationship you deserve. So I encourage you to get some couselling. You have only been apart for 2 years which I feel is really early days in your recovery.It sounds like your husband is perhaps rather childish with his affairs and as a result just hurts you even more. You don't say why your marriage broke up other than him having a mid life crisis. I would also suspect that if that was the case, he isn't over his crisis yet. Racing into a new relationship to the point of getting engaged, without being responsible tidying up the past marriage is perhaps a sign that he has his own process to go through. So his behaviour to you - being nasty, may just be him not handling his new life choices and decisions.Try to focus on your life, your children and a new start. Start to rebuild the women you want to be. Give yourself time to greive and heal. Take little steps to a better future. It is totally natural that you still have strong if not love feelings for him but I really think it's early days and is a confusing time for you. Try not to rely on emotions which make you wonder if you still want him back before you consider who your husband now is. All the best, you'll get there! xx
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Nice guy, your husband. If he's not divorced, he can't marry this other girl.......yes, you do need to move on......
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A
female
reader, mortified +, writes (10 March 2011):
mortified is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes we have 3 children and he only really comes to see them when he can be bothered,i really do need to move on but find it so very difficult to stop loving him since we were together for 21 years,thankyou for everyones help.x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 March 2011):
Every sign here points to him having moved on. There really isn't anything you can do. And even if there was, I wouldn't suggest it because I think you'd be mad to go back.
You appear to be struggling to accept that your marriage is over, and perhaps the time has come for you to get help for that. Sadly, it's painfully clear that your ex husband has ended whatever you had, and is now making significant plans to marry and move in with another woman.
And, as you have said, he is also so nasty to you - so to take him back would be like shoving your head in a Lion's mouth.
I would strongly suggest that you get yourself some counselling. It's an unhealthy and dangerous sign that after being treated so badly, and with him so obviously moving on, that you are still after him. That's a sign of low self esteem, and perhaps an inability to face the upsetting fact that he has left and isn't coming back.
Your own life is now ahead of you. Don't waste it on a guy who ditched you, lives with his parents, has been nasty and is now marrying another woman. You'll waste years, and years.
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A
female
reader, mortified +, writes (10 March 2011):
mortified is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe are not divorced,i will not pay for a divorce and he has done absolutely nothing about a divorce either.evry time i spoke to him he kept telling me he would sort it out but never has
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 March 2011):
YES! There is indeed something you can do.
You can recognize that he was, as you said, very nasty to you and (presumably) you are now divorced. Why would you want someone back who treated you like dirt, and who in fact has a younger girlfriend he's planning to marry?!
Where's your sense of pride, your self-esteem? Surely you aren't that much of a glutton for punishment?! Nah, I can't imagine you are! You deserve much better than him!
Forget about "loving" him, and go on with your life......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): You may feel this primarily because you may be a good person and that you may have loved him truly. That love hasnt faded away and true love doesnt fades away so easily too. But it should be equal and sharing. If he had forgotten you, then why worry about him? You contacting him again may cause problems for both of you, and also the the other girl indirectly. But you should think thorough before finalizing anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Do you really want him back or is it the fact that he it moving on with his life. Perhaps you haven't got over him leaving as yet. I would put aside thoughts of wanting him back - he had a midlife crisis and is now with a younger woman, apart from the fact he treated you badly. The best thing you can do is think about yourself and finally move on. It is hard, but put your thoughts and energies into your own life and he will start to disappear into the past where he belongs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): In all honesty ... leave well enough alone. You say he's been "so, so nasty", do you think he's miraculously changed since he left you? The familiar is always so seductive, it opens its arms and beckons us back, but rarely is it what we need.It hurts, of course it does, to see him moving on with his life. Feel sorry for the poor soul (13 years younger than him) he's engaged to ... do you really think her life with this seemingly selfish man is going to be all wine and roses?He left you without a backward glance ... keep that thought and let it make you angry and give you the strength to get rid of any thoughts of winning him back. Move on, build a new life for you (you didn't mention if you have children?) - you are worthy of more than this man can offer.I wish you strength, health and happiness.
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