A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday, I broke up with my boyfriend. After 2.5 years I just had enough. He never kissed, hugged me, asked about my day. He never made an effort to talk to me. I had fallen out of love. I admit for the first 2 years I did everything he asked me because I thought if I just did a little more than maybe he would love me. He would always say he cared and loved me but I never felt cared and loved for and when I told him that he would just get upset. He would also go on random dating websites to find girls to text and exchange pictures with. He would text them more then me and was always secretive with his phone. Whenever I caught him doing something, or ask him about something he would lie and deny it and then I felt more worthless. Well yesterday we got in a huge argument over the text messages. I asked him about who he was texting and he got all defensive. And that was the final straw. I showed him proof and he took my phone and threw it across the room. To make an even longer story straight we started yelling at each other and pushing and shoving. I told him I am done and can't deal with his crap anymore. The part that hurts is that he just let me walk away instead of fighting for me. It's like he didn't even care. Now my question is, why the hell am I so sad? I know in the long run this is best for me but I couldn't sleep all night and been crying since it happened. I just want to drive over there to see him. I guess I want him to talk to me but he hasn't called nor texted. His mom told me that all he said was that we got in a fight and didn't say we broke up so now I'm confused. I know it was all out of anger but I wish he would change for me. I can't stop crying and I know it's stupid but after 2 and a half years, it's going to be hard no matter what. Should I text or call him? And if so what should I say?
View related questions:
broke up, hasn't called, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 June 2012):
 I thought mine would change for me too. Actually, not "change" but just be like he was the first few years we were together. I felt like he totally changed personalities after a few years. I know how devastating it can be. As you begin to see the good relationships you have with other people...and those around you...you will begin to see that breaking away from him was a good thing. I began to notice the warm feelings I had for the people in my life who were kind, positive, and genuine in their feelings for me. Then, I wondered why I stayed as long as I did. You should not have to fight or beg for someone's attention...especially if they claim to care. I felt the exact same way as you...completely sick, disgusted, hurt, and broken. I wanted him out of my life and then when I did it...I felt as empty as ever. That feeling will subside. There is a whole beautiful life out there waiting for you. I decided anytime I thought about my ex...or felt down about the situation...I would get out and do something. Even if it was going for a walk around the block. Take small steps and you will make it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 Eh, the first cut is the deepest, Rod Stewart said it too :)
Don't take it the wrong way,... but you remind me of that old joke ( it was Woody Allen's ? ): someone complains about an holiday resort that he has visited " The food was horrible, absolutely vile. And the portions were so small too ! ".
OP, if all the good you got out of this r/ship was Xmas dinner ( once a year ) and a few movie nights ,...compared with all the bad you have got.... there's really nothing to regret, you would have been stupid to stay .
What talks for you now is not love, it's fear . You are not used anymore to be on your own , and you have spent so much time and energy doing things to make HIM happy and putting his needs first , that you have forgotten how to make yourself happy and how to put yourself first. You sort of disconnected from yourself, now it's like all of a sudden you have to take care on your own of a an upset kid that you don't know and does not even speak your language. What can I do to make her happy, to make her stop crying, is there, will ever be there something , or someone, that can give her her smile back ?....
There is, or there will be ,have no doubts about it. Also because , if we have to think that the only thing that could make you happy is being treated like dirt by some selfish, uncaring prick like your ex... well, we 'd have to doubt your mental sanity . But probably is not about mental sanity, it's about good old self esteem or lack of the same. Time perhaps to bring your self esteem back to the shop for a nice tune -up ?
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 June 2012):
you are better off without this loser, you will see in time
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to every single one of you kind hearted people. I am going through a very hard time b/c this is the first time I am experiencing heartbreak. I thought I was sick of him and wanted it to end but I guess the reality was that I imagined he would want to change for me and fight for me. I still can't stop crying. I keep thinking how I won't spend another Christmas or thanksgiving with his lovely family, or how I'll never get to sit down on the couch with him and watch a movie (it was one of our only times we actually bonded). Nothing I say to him, and I mean nothing will change his mind. I feel so worthless. Unappreciated and unloved. It hurts to know he was pretending the whole time. Seeing and hearing him laugh while I cried was one of the worst feelings in the world. When will it ever get better?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): That is what my ex told me...he wanted to be "friends". The problem is...when one person cares more and the other doesn't, the person who cares more has to suppress all of her thoughts, feelings, and desires. In other words, suppress who you really are around him so you can have a friendship. It didn't work for me because my feelings were always stronger. You can try it and see how you do, but I always felt like I could no longer be myself around my boyfriend. I couldn't be passionate anymore, I couldn't tease him like I used to, anytime I brought up something from the past he wouldn't talk about it. It was really hard (and confusing) trying to figure out exactly what I meant to him, so I just called it quits. Mine would talk to me too, but it was all just superficial talk like "what did you do today?". Not anything special like we used to share. Actually, I would not even call it a friendship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess only time will tell. He's been talking to me but he told me were just friends. I told him exactly how I felt and how it hurts to think JRs unaffected by all of this and he said he's not. He said he's just as sad but that this is for the best and that it was time to go our separate ways. His friend told me he has been talking to another girl but he claims there is no other girl. I was also told that he was never really into me. It's just all too much to bare. I keep thinking if I wouldn't have said anything in the first place I wouldn't be in this situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): It is really hard to walk away from a relationship where you feel you have done everything you could and it still wasn't enough for the other person. That is what happened with me. I also felt like you...that I didn't do enough for him and so that prompted him to stop liking me or wanting to be with me. The truth is...we weren't at all alike. You don't mistreat or use people you care about. You don't avoid people you care about. It will be hard for awhile, but I agree that you should get out and see how other people treat you. I came to the conclusion that complete strangers would treat me with more kindness than my ex. It was very confusing for me, but those acts of kindess from others really helped me to see how bad the relationship was. Sometimes you cannot see how bad things are until you see how good others treat you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Candycane1234  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 Hi hun, all these feelings are natural and part of being human. I know it hurts, but at the end of the hurt and pain you will think what was I bothered about that for? You deserve better every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. I got over a relationship by talking to a male friend, he saved me from my grief. The guy I was trying to get over is so far in my past right now. I've been cheated on and everything but I came out the other side and me and the guy who cheated on me are friends now. Infact I am friends with most of my exs. To be honest it looks like I'm heading for a break-up of my own, through different reasons to yours.I once had a boyfriend who I thought adored me, he moved house and didn't even tell me I was dumped. I realised after I didn't miss him, I missed his words, like the other person said you don't miss him you miss his presence.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 June 2012):
What do you do ? You stay the heck away from a guy that , not content with doing wrong to you ,throws objects and pushes and shoves, that's what you do !! ( Now ,I realize perfectly that you say WE started yelling, pushing and shoving. So I will amend my sentence in "... and that also brings out in you the ugly, violent part of you that can yell, push and shove " ). This so called r/ship has crossed the line, or went a hairwidth close to cross the line , of physical abuse. If you have a minimum of common sense, that's the kiss of death : enough.
As for the rest, no, he did not stop loving you because you stopped catering to all his whims. Reread what you have written. " For the first 2 years I did all he asked of me because I thought that if I did a little more, then maybe he would have loved me ". But, that never happened. You bent over backwards for 2 years, and he still did not get to love you the way you wanted. So, it's not what you did, or stopped doing. Simply, the deck was rigged to begin with, there was no way you could win. ( Well, you should not have accepted to play at all, but that's another story ).
Were you good just for washing, cooking and cleaning ? Naaah, I don't think he is such a brute. He must have appreciated your companionship, your affection, your good qualities, the good times you must have had together to last over 2 years.
But, I'll stay with the theory of my previous post . ONLY to an extent. ONLY until when you don't bother him, don't challenge him, don't rock the boat , don't call him out on his shit, moral, only until you totally suit his convenience, with no hassles.
And, what was in it for you,then ?
The emotions you are going through right now are very visceral and instinctive, not rational, and it could not be different. Don't fight them, cry your heart out, vent with all your friends- but when you feel you can take a breather between cries , just stop and think " What was I thinking of ? what ever came over me ? I let myself be punished for over two years without having done anything wrong. No more of this crap ,ever ".
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (7 June 2012):
I know how you feel being emotionally exhausted. When you get to that point, it is time to say goodbye. Sometimes people "check out" of relationships. I thought my ex would have the decency to talk with me too, but the fact is, talking doesn't help. I realized this after I thought about how I would feel if he actually came and apologized for things he'd said and done. It wouldn't have helped...it would have made me more confused. It definitely would not have provided closure. When someone does not care enough to work on a relationship...it is over. It is hard to accept, but is this the type of relationship you want in your life? Do you want someone treating you this way everyday? Try to understand what is good treatment and bad treatment and realize you tried everything in your power to make things work. Sometimes, even when you do everything you can, it still won't work. I know it is difficult, but try to think of other things you once enjoyed and get back into doing those things. It was devastating for me when I broke up with my ex, so I understand the heartbreak, but the only way you will have closure is if you say to yourself...."I loved him, I gave him all I could, but it just wasn't right." Hard to come to terms with, but you will eventually. It may take a year or so, but you will.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't understand why I was so unhappy while I thought things were fine. Everyone said "oh stop catering to his every need" and I did and that's the reason he fell out of love? Was I only good enough to cook, clean and wash clothes? It all hurts very badly. I've never felt with this sort of thing and I guess he loved me enough to get scared of me wanting to leave but it's what he wanted all along. He said he didn't plan it but it sure as hell feels like it. Everyone says to cut him off but it's hard. That hole in your chest, that feeling gets harder to bare. Every song reminds me of him, every place. I just can't. I have slept and I can barely eat and I don't know what to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 June 2012):
22 is young, but not a child. Quite possible to act as an adult, or at least give it your best shot :)
It sounds like perhaps you did not really want to break up with him, but just " scare " him, get some sort of reaction out of him... bad policy. He did not get scared, and his reaction was not at all what you hoped .
The good news is that he made you a big favour- the relationship was not working and was making you miserable, and compromising your dignity , by slamming all the doors on you he has forced you to accept reality ( he is not the right person for you and you were wasting your time and to move on ) - thank him mentally. Really. He has helped you, but it will take you a while to realize it.
As for your disappointment because he did not care enough to fight for you, I know that's easy for me to say because I see things from outside your r/ship, but- duh. If he had cared enough, he would not have lied and flirted and sexted and ignored you to begin with ! Many people stay in relationship they don't really care that much about, just out of conveinience, security and sheer laziness, and why not, if they can still get to do all they want and don't have to make any effort to keep the r/ship afloat- the partner is doing all the rowing. It's a bit naive thinking that they care just because they STAY.
It's normal that after 2.5 years you feel sort of frazzled now and as if tehy've pulled the rug from under you- but, it's temporary. hang in there, you did the right thing and you won't regret it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am actually 22. But anywho, I talked to him today...somehow I knew it wasn't going to help. He pretty much could care less about the whole stuation he's happy and he's been happy except this time he's single. No matter what I said he kept telling me no and I don't know what I did to deserve any of this. I guess the fact that he isn't even bothered by the situation hurts more than anything. I am just emotionally exhausted. I don't know how to make myself feel better I just want it to go away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am actually 22. But anywho, I talked to him today...somehow I knew it wasn't going to help. He pretty much could care less about the whole stuation he's happy and he's been happy except this time he's single. No matter what I said he kept telling me no and I don't know what I did to deserve any of this. I guess the fact that he isn't even bothered by the situation hurts more than anything. I am just emotionally exhausted. I don't know how to make myself feel better I just want it to go away.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (7 June 2012):
I was in a situation similar to this and know how you feel. My ex never looked on sites or anything like that...he just blatantly ignored me after 7 years. You left a bad relationship, but you really cared about him. Sometimes we find we care or love more than the other person and it's ok...it just hurts a lot. Be good to yourself...and like some of the other posters have said...allow yourself to grieve. Do things and be around people that make you happy. That is what I did and it has helped a lot. It's still hard, but put yourself around those people who really care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 June 2012):
 I know there is so much talk about closure when a relationship end. The thing is you never truly get closure from another person, you find that within yourself. Because no matter what the "other" person tells you it's not going to make you go "aha THAT makes total sense now". It will only leave you with more questions and/or more hurt.
Calling him won't give you closure.
Give yourself a GOOD long time before you even consider talking to him again, for now, FOCUS on you, FOCUS on moving on.
Stop second guessing yourself. You did what you though was right for you. It wasn't a healthy relationship for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 June 2012):
OP, you accuse him of being an immature 27 y.o., but you are around his age ,26-29, you've got to be mature too ; own your actions and stand by your decisions. Yesterday you broke up with him, and it was not on a whim, not because you had PMS, not because you are crazy,moody and humoural. It was because you have realized that you were done with putting up with all his crap, lies and flirting; then BE done, and STAY done.
It's over. The end. Enough. What do you care why he did such and such on any particularly instance ? As long as he is not mentally insane, there is basically only ONE reason why he did what he did , and is: BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. And that should be more than enough to give yourself your own closure.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): I completely understand about the wanting to have closure. But you can find closure your own way. You can even write him a letter and express all the pain and everything you feel at the moment. You do not have to send it you can just burn it when you are ready. You have power in the situation you can control your own destiny. You can leave the situation as it is, do not get to caught up in how he is feeling honey he probably is not too worried about what is going on with you at the moment. Seems he is always elsewhere and also I think you need somone who will communicate with you more. Do yourself a favor and walk. Just take some time to learn how to make yourself happy again. And give yourself time before entering into a new relationship. Do not give too much of yourself so soon.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing that hurts is that during the course of the relationship I was always left with unanswered questions. To guess what made him do the stuff he was doing. He left me paranoid and anxious and completely ruined me. You'd think that a 27 year old man would want to sit down and half an adult conversation and act mature about it. That's what hurts the most. Is that I'll never get the answers I'm looking for and I'll never get that closure that I need to fully move on.
Thank you to everyone for your kind and helpful words. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 If this is the way you feel then you have not decided yet and believed that what you did by leaving him was the best for you. If you did, you would not feel this way.
Why not give yourself a time to think clearly rather than do things you will regret later.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's just very hard because after all this time I would think he would at least have the decency to want to talk to me. I am very confused about the situation and alot of things were said out of anger. I know he cared because he got angry but I wonder if he got angry because he got caught or what. I am just very hurt right now and I feel like I need to see him and talk to him. I don't know why I care for someone who doesn't care enough to want to have a mature conversation.
...............................
A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 You did the right thing. You're hurting and missing him because you've been with him for so long. He became a part of your life, and now you're missing his presence. His PRESENCE, not him. He treated you horribly and was incredibly disrespectful. I can't imagine anything improving or changing if you called him.
He let you walk away because he doesn't care. That is obvious, and I think deep down you know that. He didn't care if you left, and he's not going to care that you're gone.
I cannot stress enough that you made the right choice. You deserve better, especially now after all that effort you put in and got nothing in return.
It hurts to end a relationship, whether it's mutual or not, whether the person you're leaving was horrible or great to you. Let yourself cry, and feel shitty, and miss him. Sooner than later you're going to be proud of yourself for leaving him, and I for once think you should feel nothing but.
...............................
A
female
reader, sweetiebabes +, writes (6 June 2012):
You are in love with him and you are grieving but it is very unhealthy if you will go back to him. You will be emotionally stress and I am very sure you will not feel happy just like you are now. What is the difference of what you are feeling before and now with him? There is no difference. You are unhappy before and you are still unhappy now. But the big difference you can make is HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. You cannot just stay with your BF and beat yourself up and be nice to him hoping he would change. Why don't you make a change and try to evaluate what are the things that makes you happy? Start off from this. Start by not depending or getting your happiness from your outside world but instead from within you. You can do this by knowing WHAT YOU WANT( one that works for you and not against you). You know already that you made a good decision for yourself, the best decision to leave. Be firm with your decision and do not look back. It may not be easy but the changes are within you, don't be weak. Be aware always of where your mind is taking you.
...............................
A
male
reader, one woman guy  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 I agree with YouWish..and i would also like to add that the rason you are missing him is simple...its only cause u were in a relationship with him for 2.5 years!!that is a lot of time..you are used to having him in your life..u know what i mean..?He was not love..He was a habit...a bad habit...and u mended it by breaking up with him..like You Wish said..DO NOT TEXT OR CALL HIM!!u deserve someone who would love you like u would love him....Be Strong!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): No sweetie you should not contact him. Let him contact you. Its normal to be feeling the way that you. Do not just sit around, get together with friends or family and enjoy yourself. And if you really do not want to be bothered with anyone, grab some funny movies and popcorn. Cry if you need to but whatever you do,do not lock yourself in your room.
Seems you are always trying to pursue him and he is not doing right by you. You deserve better. He disrespecting you by communicating and exchanging pictures to other females. He should not be looking anywhere for other women. He had you. I think you really need someone who will treat you better. I am sorry you are dealing with so much at this time...I wish you the best:-)
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2012):
 No. You broke up. Don't talk to him anymore. He was unfaithful to you and physically abusive. You do NOT want him to fight for you. You do NOT want him in your life. You did a HEALTHY thing by leaving him. Stop talking to his mom too.
Yes, it is going to hurt, because the death of a relationship is a true loss. Instead of pining after him, find your friends and YOUR parents/loved ones to seek comfort with. Not his.
Here's what you do when you start getting all longing and stuff: You write or type up a list of all the things he did to you in your relationship and the reasons you broke up with him. THink about all of those things that drove you crazy.
Do NOT text him. Do NOT call him. Delete him from your Facebook and all other social sites. No contact whatsoever.
...............................
|
