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I feel used by my best friend and flatmate!

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 July 2011) 1 Answers - (Newest, 6 July 2011)
A female Spain age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone,

I moved to a new country about a year ago. It can be a pretty lonely experience, but somewhere in the middle of all that I met someone I really got on with. Let's call her Polly.

Me and Polly got on like a house on fire and decided to share a house together with another guy. In absence of family, we really looked after each other. Or so I thought, now I realise actually it was me who went to the pharmacy for her when she was sick, it was me who listened tirelessly to all her problems (she is on anti depressant medication), it was me who cleaned up after her crap. Idiot.

Anyway, Polly and the other guy were originally the ones with the lease on the house (I moved in slightly later). A couple of weeks ago, she started behaving strangely. I'd broken the cupboard door by accident and she started shouting at me that I needed to fix it there and then when I was on my way to work (after I'd already told her I was busy but would do it the next day). I left and slammed the door. She didn't speak to me for three days until I apologised for the "incredibly rude" way I had acted towards her. Then she started telling me that she was the one with the lease, it was HER house and she would damn well write the rules and if I didn't like them, I could leave. This surprised me as I've always tried to be a considerate flatmate and actually am far tidier and more respectful than she is.

Since then, every little thing I have done has been wrong. The other day I left my shoes in the hall. This was a new occasion for anger and frustration at my incredible rudeness. I was very confused.

Then, today she announced that she's moving out and back home to Brazil, where she's from. The other guy is leaving in a few weeks as well when his Masters programme finishes, as he told me a while back. I don't know what to do. I can either take on the lease on the flat, or I'll have to find a new place to live. If I take on the lease, I'll have to find new flatmates, with the possible financial risk that I won't and will get stuck paying for the whole place. If I don't, I'll have to find somewhere new to live and move all my stuff. She's said I have until Friday (4 days time) to make my mind up before she speaks to the landlord, but I don't feel as though it's long enough. Although it's a really sweet place and I really like it, and the rent is good so if possible I'd like to keep it.

To make matters worse, the other guy in the flat is being completely useless. I've asked him politely to let me know when he's leaving and he can't be bothered to sit down with me and explain. Legally, he's not obliged to, as I'm not on the lease for the house, but I can't see why someone wouldn't take 30mins to help me out in this simple way. I just found out that he went on holiday to Paris this afternoon without saying a word, so I have no idea what his movements are.

I think I'm going crazy. Any advice from anyone, anywhere? I'm now stuck with the nightmare situation of losing my best friend here and feeling like I'm going back to square one in a country where I still don't know that many people (and a lot of our friends are mutual friends and no doubt she has told them all kinds of crap) and also having the practical nightmare of sorting out the flat. This is also a really busy week at work, giving me no time to think about these issues. What the hell can I do? I feel like I'm losing my trust in people completely. Normally I would talk to "Polly" about stuff that bothers me, but obviously that's out of the question and I feel lonely.

Sorry about the super mega long post... kind of a hard time.

View related questions: at work, best friend, flatmate, moved in, on holiday

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you loads for you advice, it was really helpful. I don't think I can talk to "Polly", though. I tried to talk and be sympathetic but she just got really verbally abusive and started blaming me for everything. I know that she started taking antidepressants two weeks ago, and was wondering if this could be an explanation for her violent mood swings. Much as it hurts to see a friend upset, and much as I really don't want to leave things on a bad note, I can't deal with someone who's so unpredictable - one day she's really happy, the next second she's really angry and hates everything about me she can think of. I try my hardest, but for example she was livid the other day because I left the cupboard door open. In the face of this kind of behaviour, I feel like there's not really anything I can do - to her, I'll always be in the wrong.

I've decided to keep the house, as well. Like you say, one thing at a time. And getting involved in some kind of community stuff is a great idea and I should really get on it. It's just hard - I'm far from my family, I have no boyfriend. And the worst thing about this situation is that I feel like I've lost my best friend, as well.

Thanks again for your advice, and like you said, one day at a time.

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