A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and things are great between us but recently I've realised that I'm too dependent on him.I used to hate school and was the first to take a day off when I wasn't feeling quite 100% but since he came into the picture, I've been rolling out of bed every morning just to see him. He makes me happier than anyone/thing ever has before and that's great but, as with all things in life, there's a downside to it.I'm generally quite an insecure person and so all it takes is for him to sign off MSN without saying "Good-bye" or not saying "Hi" or anything when I come online. Both examples revolve around online communication because that's where the problem lies; face to face, no problem. But the minute he does one of those things, something that seems unusual (I don't like change; I rely majorly on routines), I go from confusion, to worry, to sadness and then, sometimes, depression and the only way to make it go away is to see him and person and be re-assured "He's not mad at me. Things are fine."It's not THAT bigger deal but I hate the way my emotions are so dependent on him. If I can't handle little, insignificant things like this, how am I ever going to recover should we (God forbid) break up?To summarise after all that background info (I'm also a waffler (: Ahh so many character flaws :p): how can I get back to being more emotionally independent?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Leaving him be and allowing him to contact you..." That's the plan. My point is that I'm not going to block him on MSN so he CAN contact me. If I block him, he can't e-mail me. And where he's going, he can't call because it'll cost a lot.
And I can live without him, thanks. I just won't not talk to him for a week out of choice because if it was my best friend (who's a girl), I would be doing the exact same thing.
Thanks for the help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Why can't you go for a week without INITIATING communication with him while he is on vacation? Leaving him be and allowing him to contact you while he is gone makes you look less needy and more independent, less clingy and like you trust him and that you have a life of your own.
Those are qualities that most men value in their girlfriends, not displaying these qualities is a turn off, not being able to live without him is a BIG turn off...change now, or learn later, your choice my dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt isn't our only form of communication. It's the form of communication we use least, actually, because we both prefer face to face communication. And it's not that I need to speak to him ALL the time and I can't live without him so not speaking to him for a week wouldn't help. Thanks for the advise anyway but I'm not going for a week without speaking to him (:
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): About using messenger to communicate with him while he is on holiday, don't. Let him miss you, this is part of the neediness and clinging that you want to improve in yourself. Disable the IM and tell your friends to contact you by payphone or email or facebook which goes to your email. Wean yourself off of texting and IM by going cold turkey.Before your boyfriend leaves tell him you have decided you don't like communicating by text, etc, that you would prefer if when he wants talk to you to call you instead....and then see if he doesn't call you after missing you for a couple of days. Let him do he pursuing, using text in either text messages or IM is really a bad idea, unless you want to meet him somewhere or he is in a meeting and can't be disturbed, but it was never meant to be the only form of communication that people have Especially between intimate partners.Don't start making excuses and justifications why you have to have these things or you will never make the change. And I am telling you, it will change your relationship for the better and lift your mood.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionflorachan888
Well my boyfriend doesn’t know about my feelings. Sounds bad but.. he’s not doing anything wrong and I’m afraid if I tell him, he’ll feel like.. pressured into always saying the “right thing” when really, I just want him to be him. Plus, it’s nothing HE is doing wrong; it’s my own sillyness that means I worry at the smallest thing! But I will let you know if I solve it (: I recommend reading the other people who've posted's posts because I think they'll work!
janniepeg
I’m not really sure why you’re honing in on his money? Sorry if I'm misunderstanding you but that seems pretty shallow to me.. Plus it isn’t the issue as I’m 15 going on 16; we’re both pretty skint XD
Lexie88
Before I met him? I was.. not depressed but.. not happy either. My usual group of friends ostracized and I ended up being a third wheel to two best friends, hating my school life. If that happened, the transition between with him and without him probably wouldn’t have seemed so drastic but.. bad timing :/ Without him now, it’d be horrible breaking up but.. I can see myself moving on so I guess that’s a plus (: The friends idea is a good idea; I have no friends (at school) that aren’t friends with him so I’ll give that a go!
rhythmandblues2
I think that is SUCH a good idea! I’m not that much of a computer addict anyway so probably wouldn’t be that hard. Thing is, I have friends who I can only contact online which means I NEED to use MSN. But I could get around that by blocking him or something? Myeh. I’ll give it a go in a week or two (he’s going on holiday next week whilst we’re off school and I don’t want to not talk to him for a week) but I’ll start like.. cutting it down now (: (I really do feel like this is a drug we’re talking about :L)
CaringGuy
School work is perfect as we have exams coming up and GCSEs in May (ohh dear! XD) so I’ll try that (:
Thank ALL of you; I’m going to try a combination of all the things suggested and I shall report back on how it goes (just incase you’re curious XP). Thanks again (:
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female
reader, florachan888  +, writes (10 February 2010):
I understand where exactly you're coming from because I am experiencing the same exact problem. My boyfriend of more than three years is always complaining about me not giving him space and being totally dependent on him. He doesnt quite understand that I need some reassurance too. When i ask for some reassurance he either ignores me and just gives me an attitude which makes me more paranoid. I am very emotional and whenever we start arguing,I cry which makes me unable to go to school the next morning because my eyes are too swollen and red. We are miserable together but we dont want to break up. I'm always sad and depressed because I have no one to talk to. If you can find anyway to solve this issue can you please send me a message so I can help myself.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 The ideal thing is that he is an heir to a billion dollar family. He does not have to worry about money and is willing to take care of you for the rest of your life. This is pure fantasy. You do have to think about your future, it's never too early. My mom always told me women nowadays cannot depend on a man financially. Do you know that one of the things that a guy attracted to a girl is that they have something they are crazy about besides them? He needs to know that your world does not just revolve around him, otherwise he would be stressed out to be the "everything guy" to you.
Finding something you like to do is easier said than done. When job prospects aren't good, people pick something practical as a career. So if you are interested in the arts or writing, you might wonder what's the point of doing these things when no one's going to pay for it? I am not digressing here, because when I was your age I was very clueless about what to do for a career. Maybe I was waiting for a prince to carry me far away from all my troubles, to well, without a better phrase, live my own life. It's hard to lump preparing for the future and emotional indepence together. But I do believe if you have a clearer idea of what to do in life, you will be independent and confident as a woman, and that having a man would complement your life, rather than something you can't live without.
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female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 To become a bit more independent you will have to realize that the world will not end if things with him don't work out.
You seem to have put a lot of your own emotional happiness and well-being onto him...and the minute that he's not reassuring you that things are fine, you start to feel down.
As CaringGuy said, you need something of your own. You need to find your own feet. You need to learn not to rely on this guy to make you happy.
It's great that you've realized all this, that's the first step. Ask yourself honestly...what would happen to you if things were to finish between you and him. Sure you'd be hurt and all but in the end you will still be you and you will survive. The moment you realize this, and realize that you can do things on your own, you will feel better.
How were you before you met him? Were you depressed? Perhaps you'd benefit from talking to a professional as well. You need a way to only depend on yourself for your emotional well-being. People like boyfriends should make your life better but they should not be the be all and end all of your happiness.
If you make an effort now to find your own feet, it will serve you good in the future. Do something on your own, make it just you...leave him out of it. Make friends with people he isn't friends with. It's not about setting yourself up for when, and if, the worst comes, but it's making sure that you will be ok if it does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): If your main source of saddness stems from using the computer to commnicate with your boyfriend then stop using those forms of communication.
Do you realize that only 20 years ago, even 1 years ago, people did not do this with their relationships. They talked either on the phone in person, or face to face.
This instant communication that we have available to us now is much like a drug that you become addicted to, and when it is withdrawn or doesn't give us the high that we want, we are like a crack addict and we simply want to die with disappointment.
Human beings brains are wired to be a creature of habit. Develop new habits. Tell your boyfriend you want to try giving up text messaging, MSN, social networking sites as a way to commnicate with each other. Either phone conversations or in person conversations and that is it.
I think you will see your mood and even your relationship with yourself improve immensely.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 February 2010):
By doing some other things. Start a new hobby, focus on schoolwork a bit more. Anything. The more you do by yourself, the more independent you will become. The when you do see your boyfriend, the time will be even more meaningful.
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