A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am new to this site and joined it because well, I feel like I no longer have anyone else. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel or what is going on in my life. Especially my love life. I have been going out this this girl for about a year now, a little more. Things were always good but they started to change about half way through the relationship.I have always treated her right and never cheated on her. But half way through she dug up some dirt from my past and it made things completely different. Although I had never done anything wrong to her she lost trust in me and became a bit bipolar and needy. The following months consisted of fighting and arguing and me taking care of her. She's become extremely needy. This is her situation: she lives at home with her parents (as do I) she attends college, has no car, no job, has no friends, and her family is horrible. They tend to neglect her and this leads to a lot of problems. She needs me literally everyday and lately its gotten to the point where I am trapped. I do love her but she depends on me for a ride, food, money, company, etc. Mainly to keep her away from her home. I don't mind helping her but its getting to the point where I have to help her and I can't help myself. The world revolves around her and I've told her I don't want it to be like that but she says it's not her fault she just can't deal with her problems at home and she needs help. I no longer have any friends because I spend so much time with her, I have spent all my money on her, my relationship with my family has worsened, and my health has suffered. Last semester I would go home every night at 11:30 after being all out because she got out late from school and I had to take her home, then give her food with the little money I had for myself so I'd often skip meals and I'd go to work 25 miles away and drive back to pick her up and take her home 15 miles away..I drove an average of 100 miles a day because of her. I feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I know she loves me and I love her but I feel like theres no humaly possible way to keep her satisfied and help her. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the help and advice. Especially you CindyCares. I really appreciate it
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 July 2010):
 It's a good thing you can talk and communicate. Yet, as they say, "talk is cheap "- people keep rehashing the some stuff and nothing ever changes. Change needs action. Not talk.
You say she realized you are not her parent , just her boyfriend ? And she is sorry for having taken you as a parental figure ? Good, then now she has to prove it- Asking and accepting only emotional support- not financial- and keeping the emotional support she needs within reason.
If she has issues with her parents ( who doesn't ) she needs to address them directly with her parents.
And you need to let her try and fail and make mistakes and be disappointed. It's all part of the process of growing up and becoming independent, and by interfering with this process you may harm her and yourself.
So she is struggling, has trouble getting a job, getting a car. Tell her to join the club : you know how many MILLIONS of young people are in her same situation nowadays in the current state of economy ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do respect myself. It's just its not like I am afraid to talk to her and confront her with all these issues. I do tell her. And we communicate, she even admitted to me that I am supposed to be like 3 people to her her parents and boyfriend and she's sorry she's done that to me she is trying to find a job, she goes out constantly. And getting a car is something shes trying to do. She has been trying to be independent the problem is she has just failed. And that failure so far has affected me as well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 July 2010):
What is an exploitative relationship ? Yours. Yours is the "poster child " of exploiative relationships. A relationship in which you are taken advantage of, mercilessly used, and appreciated more ( or only ) for what you can give than for what you are.
Do we guys really think you should leave her ?....Why, do you have a better idea ? Do you enjoy wasting hard earned money, jeopardizing your health,compromising your relationship with your family and generally playing nanny to a grown up girl ?...
Maybe you think this is love. I strongly disagree. There is no love without respect. She does not respect you and sadly you do not respect yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat exactly is an "exploitative relationship"? You guys really think I should leave her? I don't know what to do because at times I am happy but other times I hate life because she needs so much yet she has no one else. Her family is pursuing their own selfish goals such as a $100,000 remodeling of her house yet it hurts them to give her money or a car. I am worried shell hurt herself. But sometimes I can't take it..she is mad I don't want to ditch my family on a 2 day mini vacation because to her that would be an opportunity to hang out and do all these things. She knows I want to be with my family and she knows shes being selfish but why does she constantly indirectly insist that I ditch them and chose her..always.
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A
male
reader, thereyago +, writes (13 July 2010):
This is what leads me to believe that this is an exploitative relaitionship." But half way through she dug up some dirt from my past and it made things completely different."once she found something to leverage she used that to get what she wants and apparently she continues the guilt game.You are too young to be giving away your resources( resources that you use to become a better person and set yourself up for the rest of your life). Those friends you are being cut off from could be people that help you meet other people, get jobs, have great experiences, start businesses with. Basically she is interfering with your ability to network.One of the reasons we "go out" with people when we are young is to see what kind of mate they would be for a prospective marriage. It seems to me that you are setting yourself up for a manipulative one.If she has time to volenteer then that could be time she was working... Does she get financial aid? Either way you are young and not rich enough to support a woman and if she interferes with your education then she will take away from you your lifetime ability to earn for what ever family you end up having. The other reason to get over whatever dirt she dug up and to change this dynamic is because she may in fact be "the one" and you will be able to find out by seeing if she is still around and important when you are not sacrificing your future and life for hers. If she is and improves things then great she is a keeper. As far as getting her to counseling and all that...that sounds like a lot of horseshit for a young unmarried guy in college to deal with. She should handle that, frankly if it is psychological get out now, on the other hand if taking her to the financial aid counselor to deal with her lack of money addresses the issue then it is a "real" solvable issue and I would see that as you two making a good team to deal with real problems together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the thing is, I have confronted her on this issue many times. Her parents neglect her and the most they'll give her to eat is 5 bucks every couple days. She knows it's not fair and she has tried getting a job but so far the job hunt has failed. She takes the bus if I really can't take her somewhere but usually that leads to her getting harassed by people on the street and she doesn't dress in any way to particularly get people's attention. I really want to try taking her to counseling and she has agreed to it but time still hasn't been able to be arranged for it. She volunteers and goes to school full time so it's not like she's a bum just living off of me. I really believe it's the neglect of her parents that makes her depend on me so much because I know she wants to be independent.
Thanks to all of you for your replies, I really appreciate it.
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A
male
reader, thereyago +, writes (13 July 2010):
Break up with her, she is a vampire. Some one who loves you would not do this to you. Seriously cut her off. God forbid you end up with a kid with her. You could try the friendship route but I think we both know that wouldn't work.
You will be pleasently surprise how many awesome , well adjusted , cool women are out there looking for a nice guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Oh dear :( , you can tell you really love this girl otherwise it would be easy for you to choose the answer honestly it think she needs help professionally, she needs to speak to her doctor for councilling sessions, this relationship of yours seems more like a job than it is a relationship wich obviously isnt the way it shud be..
explain to her how your feeling, tell her how you cannot cope even if you do understand the problems shes having theres only so much you can do..
i think you may need a break away from her, i know its a difficult time for her but can you really continue making yourself sick if you know theres nothing else you can do? .. i wish you all the best :/ xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Just a question on my end I'm a little confused over...if she lives with her parents why does she need food money? that aside, you've gone above and beyond for her. I can tell you right now her being 'needy' is more emotional right now because she is unhappy. but as much as you love her, don't sacrifice everything in your life for her because she obviously is very secure that you'll drop everything to take care of her, which is not good....yet. she needs her independence from her family, and a job to provide for herself. start by talking to her about all that, and preface it by telling her how you feel about her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): I'm this way to so I get it from your girl friends point of view but what helps me is you have to confront her and take a break just tell her everything like your overwhelmed you lost alot of friends for her and it's to much a break would help both of you... You the most she will be upset but some space will make her realize how good you are to her and you are not just a taxi cab driver for her she also will find people to talk to on break about your problems and will make it easy for you and her to spend time with your friends when you get back together. Hope this helps.
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