A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I in early 60s, have been together 5 years, but nothing is moving on because he has a female lodger in her 40s been there 25 years! Pays little rent, no household bills and keeps dogs. She wont move out, we gave her 6 months notice, my bf wont do anything further. She basically rules the house for her and the dogs. My bf has asked me to move in but I wont with another woman there. She is quite strange,just lives for the dogs and works only part time. There is no privacy. Im going into sheltered housing eventually as im disabled, and my bf is willing to let this happen rather than get the 'lodger' to move out.I have recently found bits of a letter he sent (15 years ago) when he was away for 6 months, sending her his love, saying he missed her and 'was coming home to her' which has given me fresh worries about his feelings. I dont like going to his, we have had run ins over her tv on all night. We could be happy together in his place, it needs doing up but we are stuck. I cant keep going back and forth to his for ever, I dont feel comfortable there.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 July 2018):
 I have to agree that the OP is just discounting most things that are being said.
There’s 2 options here it’s really simple, you put up with the situation or you leave the guy. He will NOT change what’s going on. You’ve let it happen for 5 years so why would he change? You’ve raised your concerns and he’s ignored them. This woman is staying for the long haul. Either break up with him or deal with it, I’m not sure what else you’re expecting to hear.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2018): Sorry OP, but it honestly feels like you don't want to take any action with this out of fear of losing what you do have with this man.We could go all around the houses trying to figure out what may or may not be 'wrong' with the dog lady and why or why not your boyfriend won't turf her out, but, at the end of the day, it comes down to you giving him an ultimatum - you or her. Feels like when you respond to our input you are grateful but also deflect a lot of it or discount a lot of it because you simply don't want the discomfort of confronting the 'bottom line' which is that he carries on with this situation because you enable it.YOU are enabling this situation by no changing it. We can't make you into a stronger person, no matter what we say to you - all we can do is try to support the strength you already have. But the truth is you've already let the situation go on for far too long and chosen to ignore this 'red flag' (the dog lady) in order to try to get what you want - the trips out, the help with your wheelchair, hoping that you will get to move in with him alone. You can't legitimately play victim to a situation that you yourself have created and sustained. Passing the buck to us, as readers, to come up with some magic 'solution' won't work. It has to be you putting a stop to this at the end of the day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2018): FEEDBACK: I am aware of autism,I worked with special needs children. I don't think this applies here, but giving it any name doesn't alter the fact she can manage, drive and perform at dog shows, she must have moved before and had relationships, she can manage money and has a family member, that if she was that bad at coping, she would have got help surely.She isnt a family member where I would be sympathetic and understanding, and dont forget the 'friendly' letter my bf sent which I'm also struggling to deal with.Thank you for your input.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2018): Maybe she has autism? People on the autism spectrum can find it difficult to feel empathy for other human beings and tend to get on better with animals sometimes. They can find it difficult to be in the world because they are wired differently and can come across as very insensitive to others.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2018): FEEDBACK: I am used to being alone in the week as we are 20 miles apart I don't drive and my bf works,so Im quite independent, but would be agreeable to staying over his more in the week, helping him do the house up, cook etc but for her and her routine, which doesn't change or accept there are other people to consider. (Her tv is on
night)
She is not really approachable, ignores you and hides in her room. She already does the dog training, the front garden is full of her equipment. Thats her life. She doesn't need to earn anymore as her rent is minimal. Thank you for your comments.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2018): I think you are in the habit of depending on him for certain things. And this is what keeps you 'hooked'. Is there a way you could create new habits to increasingly lessen your dependency on him? How did you meet him in the first place? Is there a way to meet other people to go on trips with or where you can feel part of a community, rather than just connected to this one man? He seems to have homed in on you, sensing you are strong but also vulnerable. Your good standards will be a 'challenge' for him - one that he enjoys and wants to win, but not in any way that will inconvenience him.I also wonder whether the relationship with the other woman is more like father and daughter? The situation you describe is almost like a daughter who refuses to grow up. Instead of only kicking her out, would it be worth introducing her to things that may actually help her to gain more independence. For example, could she go on a course to become a dog trainer? Dog training is a really growing industry right now, very much in demand and quite high paying. If she could turn her currently 'odd' dependency on her dogs into an income, she may also get a sense of how weird her situation is and gain strength to move on.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2018):
 No you are not going mad, he is the one that doesn't seem to appreciate you or your relationship, I really hope you can find your happy ending.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2018): No offence taken aunt honesty, I know it needs addressing, but its always going to be addressed after the next trip that is organised or something stops me completely finishing it. I have a go at him constantly and he just gives lip service but when we are at my place its fine. What I was saying was why would he encourage me to move to his if something was going on with the lodger as it would be rather difficult with two of us there. I have told him I feel second best but he just keeps denying things. Always appreciate opinions, makes me feel Im not going mad with this.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (10 July 2018):
OP I don't mean to be rude, so please do not take this the wrong way, but after five years together if you feel you have self respect then you should have this addressed much sooner. Five years is not rushing anything. I honestly would be heartbroken if I was with someone for five years and they still put another woman in front of me. I couldn't do that to myself. He said other girlfriends didn't mind, and maybe they did and maybe they didn't but you should go with your own feelings not what others have done. You are honestly asking why he would want you there? You are his partner why would he not want you there? It almost sounds like he has crushed your self esteem and confidence and made you believe that this is the way it should be. But OP try and look at your situation from the outside, he should want you to be there if he wants a future with you, he should want to build a home and life with you, that is how relationships work after years together. Yet he is still putting this other woman first and he is convincing you that it is completely normal. If you think it is easier for him to keep you away then why on earth are you with him? Surely you want more from a relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2018): I, for one, doubt he is having sex with the other woman. It doesn't make sense that he would do that. Controlling me who look for strong women to 'break' or for vulnerable women to control are, fundamentally, impotent (psychologically if not also sexually). It's not to do with sex as in the physical act. It's to do with him feeling like he is empowering himself by controlling two women. And, in fact, NOT having sex with them may be a way of controlling them. When I was very young and married to a controlling narcissist, he told me, when I was 21 years old and when other people were saying I was so beautiful that I should be a model, that he wanted us to be celibate for the rest of our lives together. He was the kind of man that passively aggressively controlled women by refusing to comply with normal expectations within a relationship. The man you are involved with shows similar tendencies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2018): FEEDBACK: I like to think I have a 'back bone ' and self respect, as I haven't rushed to move in with him. At first it didn't bother me much and as my bf says 'other girlfriends ive had were okay with the situation ' So I let it go. There is NO sexual relationship, why would he want me there, he couldn't cope with two women under his roof! It would be easier to keep me away surely. Thank you for the comments.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (7 July 2018):
Op he doesn’t love you, if he did then he would understand your point of view and he would ask her to leave. It sounds like he wants her there. What do you get from this relationship other than nice trips and him pushing your wheelchair? Does he show you love and affection? Do you feel like he truly loves you as a partner? It sounds like he is never going to let go off this woman, he is even going as far as letting you go in to sheltered accomadtion so she doesn’t need to leave. Surely you can see you deserve so much better. Op I would rather be on my own than be with someone who puts another woman first. After five years it is clear he is not going to take your relationship seriously.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): OP, not only do you not have any back bone or self respect but you are delusional. Of course they are having a sexual relationship! No man is worth all this shit. Especially not some old crow player whose best before date has expired by decades!!!!
Walk away! Leave them to their weird drama!! Stop lowering yourself!!
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 July 2018):
If he truly wanted a serious future with you, this woman would be gone. No man who loves someone would put them through uncertainty of this magnitude. He’s hiding something and only he knows what.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2018): Hi this is the anonymous female again, who wrote about manipulation - yes, I just want to confirm that you are absolutely correct - men like this find ways to create / encourage women to become dependent on them and they often confuse the women involved by making out that they are supporting and helping them. However, if they really cared they would find ways to help you to gain your independence as a person first and foremost, before even beginning to think about ways to manipulate you into weird living arrangements with them - he should be helping you to gain self respect and self worth by helping you to find activities and communities that you find fulfilling, not trying to coerce you into this weird situation just so that he can feel more manly because he feels "in charge" of two vulnerable women.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2018): FEEDBACK: Im sure there has been no sexual relationship, just maybe a close one. They have both had relationships, she has had bad ones, so she keeps her distance from any now. My bf has sworn there hasnt been anything, but maybe he wishes there was. Thank you all for the frank views.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 July 2018):
I have to agree with anon.
You are in denial here big time. It’s nothing to do with her ‘winning’. The question here is why is your BF valuing a lodger above your relationship? There’s a reason he won’t get rid of her and I’d be very surprised if it’s not sexually motivated.
Can you live the rest of your life as a second woman just because he treats you right? Are you going to have separate homes forever because he won’t kick her out? This is extremely strange.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): FEEDBACK: An interesting viewpoint regarding controlling/manipulation I do believe my bf is complicit in creating the lodger's situation. He has said to me'she couldn't cope' if she moved out, but if my bf sold the house or god forbid died, she would certainly have to cope then. In my respect, if I moved in I wouldn't have much money to contribute to the house hold and again would be vulnerable if the relationship failed, where would I go? So I do realise I have more power and freedom if I remain independent. So thank you for the warning.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): I think you are in denial i'm afraid, if you are the main woman in his life why would he not just simply tell her to move out, something fishy there.
You have admitted reading a letter which implies they have been more than just friends, i would hazard a guess SHE is his long standing girlfriend and is allowing him to sleep with others YOU!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): Your boyfriend seems to have a knack of finding vulnerable women and controlling them.I say this because the 'dog lady' was brought up in care and you are disabled. He is controlling both of you emotionally. He's created a situation where she is emotionally and psychologically dependent on him and has never really created a full life for herself. You are also emotionally and practically dependent on him due to your disability.He knows you will eventually go into sheltered housing, so he knows any arrangement he has with you in his home would only be temporary.I speak from experience - manipulative, narcissistic men get off on drawing vulnerable women to them but also get off on 'breaking' independent and strong women so that they can control them. And they do this by providing roughly half of what a genuine man would provide ie. they give you nice things - holidays, meals, practical help, emotional support BUT it always comes in half measures or it has a very heavy 'payback' price.In your case, the payback you have to give is to put up with this other woman. He can sense your strength within your vulnerability and he is trying to break it.So, if you think "she's won" if you walk away, then you are deluding yourself about what is really going on here. She cannot 'win' in a situation like this because all that's happening is she's being controlled by a narcissist who likes controlling weak women and breaking strong women. He gets off on the idea of having both of you, but he's not prepared to really lose her - that's why he's played along with the idea of evicting her, but he won't take legal steps to really put it into action.The ONLY way you can win in this situation is by walking away and cutting off from him. It won't feel like winning at first, it will feel heartbreaking and sad, but if you carry on with this any longer, he will keep finding ways to slowly and surely degrade you further and wear down any sense of self you have.I can say this to you because I know how men like this work - very hard to extract yourself from the situation, and much easier for other people to see things you can't see because your too embroiled within it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2018): FEEDBACK: You all make sense and I know this in my heart, but he is lovely and we go on nice trips, he pushes my wheelchair when needed, if I give up SHE has won! Although after finding that letter I don't think I can trust what he says. (He did say he wants a quiet life) so doesn't want nasty scenes or confrontation with the lodger and sometimes he tells me what he thinks I want to hear.She is quite vulnerable (apparently) brought up in care, so he would feel responsible. I do wish he would be respectfully and tell me the truth truth about the letter. Thank you all.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (3 July 2018):
 This woman sounds like someone who has learned to live off others (or one other, in this case), a bit of a parasite. Yes, she probably COULD get a full time job and support herself but why should she when she has your boyfriend to support her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed?
Unless your boyfriend cares enough for you and wants you to move in with him, you will never be rid of her, I fear. She will always be there, the 3rd wheel in your relationship. She knows your boyfriend better than YOU do and knows he will not throw her out, regardless of how much you want it.
I fear you are on a hiding to nothing if you want to move in with him and her to move out. It's just a case of how long you are going to keep repeating yourself before you accept that NOTHING is going to change. This is what they are both comfortable with and YOU are the outsider.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 July 2018):
It’s hard to believe he respects his GFs wishes less than a woman that he lets lounge around his home. I don’t see there being a future here unless you want there to be another woman there for the rest of your life. I’d be very surprised if there’s been nothing sexual there in 25 years, I think you’re being a bit optimistic there tbh. The messages he sent her really don’t sound ‘friendly’.
You’ve put up with it for 5 years so why would things change? You’ve basically said it’s okay for all this to be happening. I’d either be giving an ultimatum of she goes and you concentrate on building your future or just walk away anyways. This is a truly bizarre situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2018): Thank you for all your feedback. I dont think there has been a sexual relationship but I suspect they are close. I dont see them together as she jeeps to her room when Im around. I repeat myself constantly about our future together but nothing changes. We get on really well otherwise which is why I keep trying. My bf says he hasn't 'the heart'to get her out and she would struggle to find some where cheap to rent with dogs, but I don't understand why she cant get a full time job to pay proper rent. My bf basically supports her lifestyle. I think my bf feels responsible for her and defends her behaviour, she hasnt many family or friends it seems, so I feel a bad person, but I have to think about my future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2018): I agree with the anonymous female reader..."bizarre" surely describes it. He has been holding-on with the intent to create a romantic-relationship; and she has been taking advantage of him. It was a make-believe relationship; and he has been more or less taking care of her. She's his live-in companion.
Continue refusing to move in. It's both inappropriate, and disrespectful of you as his legitimate girlfriend. Why would he invite you into such a creepy situation?
I find it strange you've put-up with this for 5 years!
This is just totally weird.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (3 July 2018):
 It doesn't sound as though your BF has tried very hard to have the lodger move out. Maybe he doesn't really want her to. If she has been there for 25 years, he must be OK with how things are. And really, why would she move out when she has it so good? I don't see things changing in your favour, I'm afraid.
Take care xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2018): What a bizarre situation!
Since your bf has done nothing to remove her from his house, then I suggest you remove yourself from his life.
It's obvious the both of them are having a (sexual) relationship. He gets to enjoy two women. He will happily keep both of you. You need to leave him. She'll never leave. He doesn't want her to.
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