A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello everyone. i feel so mean at the moment. my fiancee and i are to be married in a few weeks and we have everything set. our wedding is to be a rather intimate affair consisting of 60 guests, close friends and family. we have booked a reception that can only accommodate 60 guests (health and safety regulations strictly prohibit any more). my problem is that both his cousins want to bring their partners whom we previously knew nothing about. we are now told that if we dont include them, the cousins will not come and it would cause a family arguement. one of these young ladies is actually a married woman having an affair with my fiancees cousin. we will not judge other people however we would prefer not to have a couple having an affair at our wedding. also if we bring these two girls then it leaves the door open for his two brothers who are also having affairs to bring their partners. this makes me feel uncomfortable. my fiancees family want me to reduce my guest list so the cousins partners can be included. they have refused to allow us to omit anyone from theirs. i have only invited 7 people, including my mum. i understand that my fiancee is caught between a rock and a hard place. he cannot help having a larger family than i do. he says he doesnt mind whether they come or not, but i am feeling under pressure to invite people we do not know to our wedding at the expense of my dear friends. any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, feejee +, writes (6 April 2007):
I have seen some of my friends going through this wedding invite list with similar problems. I think that it is unreasonable to ask you to reduce your numbers as your fiance has many more guests than you.
I dont think anyone has a right to bring a guest to a wedding unless they are invited. If the cousins dont want to come on their own then tough luck - they can just stay at home then in my opinion. People know full well that weddings can be very expensive and that people need to try to reduce costs where they can. Invite just the people you and your fiance want there.
To my friends who have been getting married in recent years I have normally been invited just on my own. I am quite happy with that - all that matters is that they are happy. I also know that at my own wedding my cousins wont be invited, not becuase I dont like them but that it is simply a matter of cost and numbers.
Congratulations anyway, I hope your big day goes well.
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (5 April 2007):
 (My point in asking about the cousins is if he's not that close with them, then they could be left off in any case. Everyone knows that you all need to keep the guests to a minimum, and they should be understanding of that.)
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 April 2007):
Hi there anonymous,
My own personal feeling is that if you invite someone, they should be able to bring their partner regardless of if you approve of the relationship or not. I also think that if your fiance is inviting many, many more people, then he should be the one to knock off some people from the guest list. How close is he with these cousins? If they're threatening him with family issues, then I can't imagine they're too close - nobody who cares about your fiance would act so selfish and immature about something so personal to him.
I think it would be a good idea to look up some guest list etiquette. Here are a few q & a's that I've found dealing with your problem:
-- Allowing Single Guests to Bring a Date? http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle.html?Object=AI980914201831&keywordID=220&keywordType=2&parentID=525
--How to Slim it Down? http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle.html?Object=A10717085937&keywordID=220&keywordType=2&parentID=525
-- Invite Groups without Guests? http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle.html?Object=AI990527174144&keywordID=220&keywordType=2&parentID=525
-- How to Explain a Small Guest List? http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle.html?Object=AI980914200253&keywordID=220&keywordType=2&parentID=525
You might want to also check around on the Wedding Channel site: http://www.weddingchannel.com/home.html
Also be sure to stop by the bookstore and check out any bridal/wedding magazines to get some more input from various wedding coordinators to see what the norm is.
I hope this helps!
Take care and congratulations! ^_^
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (5 April 2007):
 First of all I would like to congratulate you on the upcoming union.
Second, I would like to say I think it's very selfish of the cousins to threaten with a "family war" during an occasion that is supposed to be a joyous celebration of a marriage.
Perhaps the cousins can be reasoned with? After all, not even your fiancé's brothers' partners are coming.
According to the Swedish etiquette rules (this may be very different in the UK though) you don't need to invite the other half if the couple is not an established couple. Seeing as neither you nor your fiancé were aware that his cousins had partners, I think that you don't need to invite them.
If there are only 7 people coming from your side, I'm sure that each one of them are very close to you and you should not have to drop any of them from the guest list.
There are 51 people coming from his family's side, so my suggestion is that you let them know (ask your fiancé to tell them) that if they want to have the cousins' partners there, then they need to omit two people from their own side. I know that they have refused this, but it's the only possible way if the cousins are so adamant their partners should come.
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