A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've seen this type of post a few times on here, but I wanted to share my personal situation and get your input. Thanks in advance!My BF and I are 24. We've been officially dating for 5 months. These months have been extremely happy. He is so respectful, thoughtful and caring. He's been there for me through good times and bad. We spend about 5 nights a week together going on dates, cooking, exercising, going to movies, etc. We've had maybe 2 minor miscommunications- which resulted in us calmly sitting down and discussing our feelings and moving forward. So the problem? I'm still waiting on the L word. I know I've built it up in my head, but in my previous relationships I said it first and too fast. He told me at the beginning of us dating (I brought it up) that he doesn't say it until he's sure with his whole heart that he feels it. I respect that, but it does scare me that we won't get to that point. He isn't the best communicator (I'm not complaining- just that he isn't huge on sharing his feelings or sappy/emotional things) and has told me that, but has really made an effort to send me sweet texts and provide reassurance. This weekend out of the blue I asked him if we were serious. He looked at me like I was crazy and said " Of course we are! I wouldn't plan so many trips/dates and spend so much time together if we weren't. To which I said "Ok, because I'm falling for you." He responded that he was falling for me too and not to worry, that we were on the same page and feel the same way. He said all of this very confidently and put his arm around me. I can't help but think about his past relationships (I don't know much about them) and wonder if he told them. I get so insecure and worry if I should be doing something differently. I know it's 2017 and I can say it first, but I want to feel that amazing feeling of hearing him say it and know that he's in love with me. I'm just losing patience waiting and scared to put so much in and be vulnerable- what if he never says it? Am I ever allowed to broach the subject? I know he's scared ( I am too) and although its 5 months it feels like it hasn't been that much time. Please help!!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 March 2017):
 I really do not understand why people get hung up on the words. Anybody can tell you they love you, it is only words, it is how he treats you and how he acts is what is important. Reading your post the relationship seems great. You both sound happy and committed. It appears you are looking for a fault. Once he finally tells you he loves you will you be happy then? Or will you be looking for something else to be insecure about? Honestly you both sound like you are at a good place, their really is no need to be insecure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2017): There is no time limit in saying it.
Do you FEEL loved? Because that's the main thing.
We waited a whole year and in the end I said it first. But don't rush it. Five months isn't that long.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2017): If you reread your own post a couple of times, I'd say his actions speak louder than words. He also said the following:
" Of course we are! I wouldn't plan so many trips/dates and spend so much time together if we weren't."
"To which I said "Ok, because I'm falling for you." "He responded that he was falling for me too and not to worry, that we were on the same page and feel the same way. He said all of this very confidently and put his arm around me."
He also said:
"He told me at the beginning of us dating (I brought it up) that he doesn't say it until he's sure with his whole heart that he feels it."
Then when he does say it, he will mean it with all his heart. As I waited almost a year into our relationship with my boyfriend. We'll be celebrating four years this April. I have to really mean it, to say it. I want to be sure I can feel it and sense it coming back. I wait until it's strong enough.
Actions speak louder than words. Love is often a word used too soon, and without meaning it. Just to be cutesy and romantic.
Your impatience will only force him to say it prematurely; then you'll wonder if he really means it.
In a new relationship; love should be verbally-declared with maturity and most deliberately. Said sincerely, it is the sweetest thing you've ever heard, and the tone of it will melt your heart. When it's said unexpectedly, it's the bomb!!!
Little girls imagine hearing it for the first time, because they just want to hear the word. That's in-love with being in-love. Romanticizing the word "love" is childish! You're beyond the puppy-love stage.
An adult wants to hear that word only after it has been proven first. Be patient!!! The important thing is giving it and receiving it in return; then you'll never doubt it once it has been said.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 March 2017):
 Five months is too soon! Feeling infatuation is different than declaring love. You should be sitting back and enjoying spending time with him rather than analyzing who's saying what and when. Do NOT say it first, especially since you recognize that you bring it up too soon, and you even bringing it up at the beginning of this relationship is not the best thing to do, as it puts pressure that should not be on there. You can't open a rose before it's time, and you can't force him to say the words until he's ready.
There's another reason why you should not say it, because you saying it would not be for the right reasons. You'd say it to GET him to say it back to you. What you said, that you're "falling for him" is perfect. Let HIM make the next move on what to say, and stop being impatient. Otherwise, you'll blow this relationship.
And - ABSOLUTELY stop thinking about what he's said and when in his past relationships. That has ZERO bearing on you and him, and every relationship is different and unique, like people's fingerprints. No two are alike, meaning the moment you start thinking about his previous relationships or your previous ones, you start seriously corroding your present relationship with pressure that will cause it to explode around you, leaving you wishing you hadn't made the same mistake of impatience that you did with your prior ones.
You also have to accept him for who he is, and that means how you communicate together. If he's not sappy or emotional, then accept it.
Leave it for a year. If he hasn't said it by the end of the first year, then it's time to straight up ask him. But don't give him an ultimatum, as in "I really need to hear you say you love me by the time a year's over". That would be false, because then he'd say it to appease you, or NOT say it because he doesn't want to feel pressured.
For many guys, saying "I love you" isn't about emotions like it is with you. It's about taking the relationship to a whole new serious level, which is too much at the 5-month mark. It ranks with the meeting the parents level in relationships, and for a guy, it's more than a feeling declared, but a next step and what you would demand from him. It's a big deal second only to a guy proposing. So be patient and let him do it in his time. You don't want it said to appease you, and you don't want to ruin it.
This is different from a guy who is a commitment phobia a year down the line not saying it 2 years later. That's a different story. 5 months is too soon, and whenever it was that you brought LOVE into the conversation was WAY WAY WAY too soon. It also begs the question from me whether or not you hold love as seriously as the word warrants, or whether you say "love" to express infatuation or those butterfly feelings.
You said that in your previous relationships, you said Love way too fast. You didn't mention how many relationships you lost over talking about love, but it makes me wonder how you can love that quickly, and whether it WAS love or infatuation. I have only ever really loved 2 people in my entire life. I've dated many other people and had relationships with more than two, and there were a couple of them I considered whether I had fallen in love with them, but to me, there is so much weight behind the Love word that it's not FOR regular use. And yes, I'm me and you're you, but many guys feel that way as well, because "Love" is the most abused and overused word there is in relationships, and it's better you're with a guy who doesn't say it unless he does love you than a guy who uses it to manipulate women into bed with him.
So my advice? Drop the subject absolutely entirely for the next year. Don't hint around it or bring it up. Enjoy what you have, because his actions are speaking for themselves. Don't put pressure or impatience or insecurity behind what you do, and at the one year mark, you can say it if you like, or ask him if he loves you. If he doesn't, then that's different. A year is long enough for even the cautious to know whether or not they love someone.
Also, you spend 5 days a week with the guy. Try getting slightly distant and letting the relationship breathe a bit. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe when he's away from you, or you're doing something else that night, he may be at home and realize that he's in love with you. But being together constantly may be counterproductive for that to happen. Relationships have ebbs and flows like the ocean tides.
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