A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have amjor insecurity and jealousy issues concerning my body and my boyfriend. I know for instance he likes big breasts, I have small, and feel lacking. He's tired f discussing my insecurities all the time and told me to stop or he'll break up with me. I just don't like my body, I'm not fat, so it's not something fizable. He likes women like Katy Perry, Scarlet Johansson, Salma Hayek, etc. I once asked him if he thought they looked better and he said yes, but that they're unreachable and would never even give him the time of day. I understand he was trying to be reassuring and that in his head it probably sounded a lot better, but to this day just remembering about those things he said makes my heart break. Sadly I can't talk to him about this, because he says he's truly fed up already and that he thinks it's stupid anyway because it's too trivial. I don't know how to get over this. I hate my body, always have, and now, being with him and knowing the type of body he thinks is ideal, makes me feel all the more insecure and jealous, especially 'cause he won't talk about it. Whenever we're watching TV for instance and he leaves a Katy Perry video on (he doesn't even like her music), I get this burning jealousy inside and sometimes I'll make snide remarks. I can't help it, how can I control it? I have tried therapy but the guy just told me to understand that men are dogs and they'll always look, and blah blah, which wasn't all that helpful. I feel like I can't get over it. I want to be perfect for him. I also don't know if this means he wants me to let him do whatever he wants, for instance if he wants to go to a strip club I have to put up with it etc. (he hasn't mentioned he wants to go, but I know he went to this tacky strip show once before we were dating, I mentioned how it made me a bit jealous and he got really upset and refused to talk about it).When he gets insecure about whatever I'm always considerate and respect his feelings 'cause I know that if he needs to talk about anything that bothers him he just needs a bit of reassurance and even if we've talked about it like a thousand times, I know that the more I cooperate, the easier it is for him to get over it.
View related questions:
breasts, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 "That if you really care for someone you put their happiness before yours and do everything you can to make them happy"
Women often use this line... if you loved me, then my happiness is all that matters.
But in a partnership, what about the man, what should a woman in love do to make him happy as well, or dosen't his happiness matter?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Read through your post and all the answers posted here and agree with most of them!
I do think your boyf isnt acting as well as he could be though...
Telling you he'd leave you if you lost too much weight and got flatchested and he lost attraction to you unless you got implants...
That sounds a totally sad and shallow thing to say - without a trace of love!
I really do think he is the reason for a good deal of your insecurities!
Also telling you to stop or he'd break up with you... and what is he doing to help you with these insecurities? He is acting quite completely crass and unfair and uncaring in my opinion...
A good boyf in my opinion would do his best to help you with your insecurities and issues no matter how tiring/annoying/bad it got. He would just want you to be happy and put your feelings before his own. He would actively do things such as go and help you find a good therapist and shower you with compliments and take you out on special dates and do lovely special things for you so you would feel loved and it would help with your issues.
He would 'set aside' his preferences- as in not make comments about how he prefers big tits to yours etc. in front of you! Not to lie to you- but to be nice to your feelings and because he's putting your feelings before himself.
Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I believe more in the romantic than the 'realistic'
If a partner truly cares for someone- then they should 'lie' and say 'oh you are the most beautiful one ever to me' - meaning it in a poetic and romantic sense and said to make their loved one happy. Of course they might be more physically attracted to some celeb or something- but physically/mentally/emotionally they should (hopefully) be more attracted to their loved one and remind them of this at every chance they get.
Also in my personal opinion and having small tits, I would not have a boyf who prefers big tits over mine. I would want him to love/want me as i am and not be second/third etc. best.
I know heaps of people will strongly disagree with what I've said-but it's just my personal opinion. That if you really care for someone you put their happiness before yours and do everything you can to make them happy- which isnt going 'stop or ill break up with you'
Be strong, Beautiful! :)
x
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2010):
Take care babes, I think you'll be fine.. your young and you've lots of growing left to do... :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have A/B cups, depending on the bra. Yes, in my country a lot of girls easily get implants. It's almost part of our culture and I'd say practically all glamour models have fake boobs.
I want to learn to be happy with who I am and I think it'll be way more rewarding than if I got fake breasts.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2010):
"It's just I know my boyfriend likes a 36-24-36 shape, and if I only I had D cups, then I'd be a bit closer to that."
D cups... that's well above the average woman.. girl what size are you?
I also re-read your posts, you were overweight once and bullied for being fat... that's a lot of damage right there. Your not seeing yourself properly, your not that vulnerable girl anymore.
I also notice your from Argentina... I know that in many South American countries many girls go in for breast surgery and have massive breasts. What your judging yourself against isn't the reality of normal women. Your judging yourself against women who have had surgery, they've had breast enhancements to make their tits get bigger. Your getting yourself upset over women with plastic tits, and airbrushed computer enhanced bits... far better to reframe your mind, take up photography and see the reality of the world in all it's beauty.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (24 February 2010):
I love your new thinking! What a wonderful idea, to take up photography to look at our world with new eyes. That's marvelous. There is SO much beauty in the world, and in ourselves, if we would just take the time to look and really see it. Your post is making me smile from ear to ear. :-)
And I love most of all, that you will try to be kinder and gentler to yourself. This post has been really interesting in that it touches on some really universal human struggles, especially for women, and you have been brave enough to share and give voice to the pain and struggle that so many girls and women experience. From what you have shared I can tell that you have a very big and loving heart, and a strong, brave spirit. Those are powerful tools you can put to use in loving and accepting yourself. You will get there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2010):
You want to tit wank.. hey, I want some guy to be able to lift me up and do the sex thing in the air... can't lift me up, they'd end up in hospital if they tried.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2010):
Hi, :)
I love this new attitude you've decided to adopt. It's all about you and what you can do for yourself. It's about making you better for you. And if your happier in yourself, then your guy will be even happier. This is the best thing you can do for him. Guys in love like when their women are happy and comfortable with themselves.
Photography is brilliant, hope you pick this hobby up. It really helps you to see all the beauty and faults in the world. Even the most beautiful people have spots.
Try the mirror treatment, I'm told that it works, and I've seen people change using this. At first you feel stupid and don't believe the words you say, but little by little you start appreciating yourself. Look in the mirror, naked if possible and start saying "my tits are wonderful, they is small, cute and pretty, little raspberries instead of huge melons, they is small but they is still sweet."
I'm a tall woman, with the body of a porn star, and yes I got the tits. What do I want to be, what makes me feel insecure. I WANNA BE SMALL AND TINY, I want to be a small cute doll who can wear beautiful clothes.
Big tits are a problem for me.. guys don't look at me ugly face, they always stare at me tits, and sometimes they grab them. Then I got this big bum, that everyone makes fun off.. "come over here big ass, we need a table"... ahahahahaha... "hi, nice to meet tits.. sorry, nice to meet you"... help, there's a brain in here, trying to escape.
I was fully grown at 10, because of this, guys always thought I wanted sex, when all I wanted was me books and me dolls. This made me shy and violent around men. I can't just wear anything, unless I'm careful the bloody tit's pop out and I look like a prostitute looking for business..
Wish we could swap, you have my body and I'll take yours.. ahahahahaha.. you want bigger.. you have no idea what it's like. You begin to think that all men are sex mad pigs, and you try to hide away because you can't stand being gropped.
Now I dress very, very badly, as badly as I can.. so the men will stop looking at me like a piece of meat.. The grass is always greener on the other side, right.. lol
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tigerlily and PuzzleSolver. Those two sound like great strategies to start changing my thought patterns. Tigerlily what you said actually kind of made me think I may be even abusing myself emotionally. I would never like putting someone else through that so yes, that means I have to change how I treat myself.
PuzzleSolver, that game will surely put things in perspective. It will also help me realize there's beauty in everyone too, and start appreciating unconventional beauty. I've always been able to find at least one thing that's beautiful in every other people, I just fail at seeing my own beauty sometimes. Instead o seeing other people's beauty with envy, I'll start seeing it from a more objective point of view. Maybe I should even take up photography as a hobby to realize how many other things in life are beautiful, and not just human, physical beauty, but objects and nature. It'll also make me a more interesting person overall.
Thanks all of you. I've already had enough with my toxic thoughts and stubborness. You've opened my eyes to the possibilities. It won't happen overnight, but I'm sure I'll change for the better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (23 February 2010):
Oh honey. Trust me we DO understand where you are coming from and it's NOT that you are wrong and she is right, or that you are helplessly flawed, etc. You are coming to us with anxiety and a problem with how you feel about yourself, and how your BF is aggravating those feelings.
The tough part of that problem is it's mainly internal. You cannot -- and we cannot -- change your boyfriend. He is who he is, but really he's not the problem. You are the one who is being hurt by things that you think about yourself. Mia has been tough on you, but not as tough as you have been on yourself, ya know? And that's what they say about us humans, we are all our own worst critics.
And please, you are not alone in this problem. Most women feel like they don't measure up somehow. And we live in this society that idealizes/glamorizes these models/movie stars - who seem perfect and make us regular women feel bad about ourselves. Except those women have lighting and makeup and designers dressing them etc. Except who cares about that right? Our men just see the end product and go drool drool! GREAT. (sarcasm).
Of course we all dream that we will be #1 in our partner's eyes. But in pursuing this dream, you are putting yourself into competition with something larger than life, and setting a "standard" for yourself that is really unfair - to you! Please don't take this as criticism. I'm just trying to point out that this goal is pretty unrealistic, and instead of recognizing that and lowering your standards of what is okay for you, you are tormenting yourself and feeling hopeless that you will never be that.
Can we take a step back here? We all dream of being #1 in our partners eyes. Why? because it will make us feel good, and special. We ALL want to feel good... and special. and that's when our logic kicks in. If only x will happen then I will feel good. When that doesn't happen we feel bad. To feel good, we have two options. If we can't achieve x, then logically we have to change x.
Because that is the subjective part. We choose x in the first place, so we CAN choose something else, we have to or we will just be miserable. The goal was to find a way to feel good right? SO I know I'm probably getting all tangled up here, but if we can agree that the GOAL is to feel good and feel special about ourselves, how can we go about getting there?
Well, first of all, it might be a wise plan to stop giving that power away to other people, like your BF. in theory, do you agree? That one is really wicked hard. Most of us aspire to it but still look to others to make us happy. Okay lets try again.
Maybe a good place to start is by being our own best friends, instead of our worst critics. Can you see how you treat yourself? All mean and critical? Of course you are anxious and upset. But what if you could start by trying to be nicer to yourself? Would that maybe feel a bit better?
THIS may seem really hard, but THIS finally is an achievable goal. You CAN get there one step at a time. What you do is when you think something bad about yourself that makes you feel bad, you stop yourself and you reach for a better thought. A thought that makes you feel a bit better. Then you keep going like stepping stones like that.
For example. When you think "i hate my small boobs", try stopping and thinking, well they might not be huge, but they aren't THAT small. Hey at least I HAVE boobs. And they are healthy. Some women have lost their to mastectomies. Thank goodness I have nice healthy boobs. I should appreciate my boobs more. And really huge boobs would be kind of annoying to live with. Bra straps digging into my shoulders. Ouch. Back problems. And it's probably hard to find good clothes. My smaller boobs might be just the right size. Huh. They're kinda cool actually.
So you can make up your own things, but do you see where I'm going with this? If the goal is to feel good about yourself and feel special, then try doing it yourself one step at a time. And who knows... if you can get to that place where YOU feel like YOU are #1... that you love yourself so much you just glow with pride and happiness, no matter how big your hips are... that energy can be so infectious, that maybe you will look up and find your BF agrees.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): You should never feel a sense of embarassment but rather a sense of pride in yourself, for being able to admit your own faults. I'm sure I can speak for all of the answerers that they all feel as proud of you as I do, for admitting any imperfection, whether emotionally or otherwise. That's the first step to positive change, so there's nothing to feel guilty, ashamed or embarassed about. If you weren't searching for answers or guidance, then it might be different. To add to the part about you saying you wish you were perfect in some way, noone is perfect, but noone is a failure either. Noone is perfect looking, in fact most people aren't even close to model material if you look around at the average person. Do this for yourself when you go out on the town shopping or for whatever other reason...start by looking at someone, and count the next ten people after that, then tell yourself how many people you would consider REALLY good looking out of those ten. After doing this a few different times, you'll notice there are only less than three or four REALLY good looking people out of ten of them, no matter how many times you play that game..usually only one maybe two.. When you speak of looking at the humor of issues, that game will be something that will start to really make you laugh when you play it a few times. You'll realize how really beautiful and blessed you are in so many positive ways, both physically and other.. As long as you try not to really judge them, but play it for entertainment and learning, it's totally fine. Everyone has issues..most just don't open up about them because they are too afraid to change. You're very strong to come and search out help and answers. I have alot of faith in your approach to changing, and at least your boyfriend's opinion matters to you. It's the relationships where the partner's opinion isn't valued that there can be no hope to begin with. I'm not going to lie,..your bf and yourself both seem very innocent and normal, and most guys sin in the same ways as him, and most girls are just as concerned about their self-worth and place in life, only in many different ways. You're not very different at all, and neither is your bf. I hope you can feel a sense of comfort in that reality, when you go to sleep each night. Good job, and good luck with the future peace and contentment in your relationship, and in yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Mia. I think I'm gonna apologize to him too. I'm gonna start making my best effort to focus on the moment, and just thinking of other things and laughing at life. I was just watching this stand up comedian on TV, and in the end of his show he said something like "If you notice I only talked about common, real life situations which are shit. But I told you about them with humour, and it you laughed. Life can only be better if we laugh at the shit it throws". And he's right. I laughed the whole time I was watching that, and it wasn't until the end that and he said that, that I realized he was actually making jokes about shitty real life situations. So I guess it's true, I need to take myself less seriously. Life in general.
I'm gonna apologize to him and explain him how I feel. But I will also make the conscious effort to not speak my mind when I feel shitty and try to make a joke out of it in my head. And also start looking at my body for what it is and what it does. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. But reading my older posts on this questions I really do sound ridiculous and frustrating and I don't want to keep putting my boyfriend through this.
Thanks, even if it doesn't seem like it, you've helped me tremendousluy :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
Aw heck, you put tears in me eyes.. time for coffee I think.. lol
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
Damn... I'm sorry too.. I keep forgetting you are so young and just learning and we are older and know so much more. Sorry babes, and thank you for coming back to explain... I wish you could tell your boyfriend just what you told us now. :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry Mia, I apologize for my negative approach. It's just it makes me so upset being in this position. I know I need to reframe my mind but it seems so impossible and overwhelming. I know I'm the wrong here, but who likes admitting that? It's hard because not only do I keep feeling ugly, now I also feel like a failure of a girlfriend and misunderstood. I just don't know what to do about it, and I'm sorry that I've come across as single-track minded. It just hurts to know that i'm not perfect physically NOR emotionally/mentally. Let's face it, nobody wants to admit they have mental/psychological/emotional issues. Sure, I have cellulite and I can easily admit I have cellulite because it's something that can sorta be controlled easily, but admitting emotional problems is more embarassing and harder to come to terms with. It really puts me to tears to know that I'm not where I want to be either emotionally nor physically. At least if I were totally hot I'd know I have that.
I know being loved is way more important but you always want what you can't have, and I've never been beautiful. My friends always got the boys, the stares, and I always got the jokes and bullying. I've lost weight since then, but it still doesn't make me as beautiful as I'd like I guess. I don't know why I fixate on looks so much or give them so much importance, on me at least. I don't care how my boyfriend looks, how other guys I've liked look, how my parents look, how my sister looks, how my friends look... it doesn't really change what I feel about them. But when it comes to me i want to be recognized as beautiful, I want to be admired for my beauty and I can't have that. Like I said I think my boyfriend is really much hotter than George Clooney or whoever else. It hurts me not to have that same place in his eyes, I don't know why, but it does. I wish it didn't. I wish I was less shallow in that regard. But I'm not and I take all of it really personally.
No ammount of wishful thinking has changed me though. I've tried. I've tried looking at myself in the mirror telling myself I'm beautiful, i've tried telling myself it doesn't matter that my boyfriend lusts over other women, over and over, I've tried deep breathing when I focus on it, I try not thimking about it, I try doing something else to distract myself, I've tried exercising hoping it'll improve my mood and my self-image, but nothing has worked. It all comes back to the same. I feel like crying now, and I don't know why. I remember crying to my therapist for this same issue, but all he said was that men are dogs and that they will always look 'cause that's who they are.
I don't even want to be that perfect. It's just I know my boyfriend likes a 36-24-36 shape, and if I only I had D cups, then I'd be a bit closer to that. I wouldn't be all that, I probably still wouldn't be as hot as Katy Perry or Salma Hayek, but at least I wouldn't wonder what makes them more appealing than me. At least I'd see them with their cleavage and say "I have that, I can give my boyfriend a tit wank if he wants to!". But I can't, I don't have it. He has tried a tit wank on me and it just didn't work. I know just how much he likes big breasts and I can't take it out of my mind. And I've never even met a guy who prefers small breasts. Maybe it's immaturity, who knows. They "don't mind" a small pair, but they don't prefer it, it's not their favorite, and I wish it was.
I was blessed because my boyfriend matches my physical preferences: he has dark hair, dark eyes, medium build, and tan skin. He's also a musician. I'm not all too picky, but those are my basic preferences... especially the being a musician thing. I'm a musician, so it's something I really like in guys. I'm well aware he could be a blue eyed blonde and I'd still love him, because he's a good person inside (except for his obsession with my past, but I try helping him with that). I understand I have a double standard because I can't accept that he actually loves me even though I don't provide all he wants. I wish I could. He gives me great sex. Physically, he's gorgeous to look at. He's affectionate, funny, romantic, loving. I don't ask for much, but he gives me all I want and more. I'm fully satisfied by him. I just wish I could satisfy him the same. The one time we discussed my breasts he said he's noticed they've become smaller since I lost weight. I asked if it was a problem and he said not really, but that he didn't want a flat girlfriend. I asked him what would happen if I ended up flat chested... he said he'd probably be disappointed, because he likes bigger breasts than I have, and maybe would break up if he lost attraction to me, or maybe I could get implants. I was so hurt and upset by that, that he learned he shouldn't make any more negative comments about my breasts, but his comments stuck. He likes bigger breasts. He's technically not all satisfied with mine. He loves me, because I'm kind, we have a lot in common, I'm funny, I'm quirky and I'm smart, but he's not 100% satisfied with my body and that irks me.
Sorry for the long post, and again, sorry Mia and everyone else for being such a brick headed girl. I'm so stubborn sometimes I wanna slap myself. But I wasn't being sarcastic in my last post: I know I'm wrong. If a lot of people tell me there's something that's not so right about my way of thinking, then it's hard to argue with that logic, and yes, maybe it does mean I'm wrong. It hurts to admit you're wrong, and reluctantly I do. I am wrong. You are right. There's no question about that. You all possess a level of maturity that I yet don't, and that's evident to anyone who reads this. So don't take the last post badly, and apologies for all frustration I've caused.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
No.. look there's no point talking to you...
It's your life.. you've been given lots of advice.. now do whatever makes you happy... Leave this boyfreind, find another one and maybe he'll be able to make you happy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk fine. I'm wrong, I shoudl go to therapy, he's ok, he has a right, etc. You're right, I'm wrong. I don't like admitting it, but since everyone overwhelmingly told me that I have something wrong, then yeah, I can't disagree with that I guess. Of course it hurts not to be understood. What's so wrong with wanting to be the most attractive to a partner?
Plus he gets upset over stuff I did in my past too, so why couldn't I?
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
Oh one more thing. Why isn't your boyfriends love enough for you? When a guy loves you that's a very special thing. Why is looking better than a moviestar or a popstar more important to you than knowing you are loved and adored? Why isn't your boyfriends love more valuable than his attraction to beauty which can easily be destroyed by age or accident. He doesn't love Kate Perry more than you, why isn't that enough to make you happy?
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
"Not that he loves me less, but maybe he feels less attracted after seeing her or something. "
Ok, again some movement. He's allowed to find other people attractive as long as your not around. He loves you the best, even better than Kate Perry.
Right less go back to your orignial post.
1. You hate your body.. you hate it, but he probably dosen't.
2. You hate your small breasts, but he hasn't said there too small and probably thinks your breasts are beautiful.
3. You are angry because he likes Kate Perry. He is only allowed to like people who are uglier than you. If he likes someone prettier, then he must go and look at them in another room.
4. Your heart is breaking cause your not the prettiest woman in the world. You are upset because your boyfriend and told you that Katy Perry, Scarlet Johansson, and Salma Hayek are prettier. Unfortunately the world thinks this too, that's why they are worth millions and me and you are not movie stars or pop stars with thousands of fans.
5. You want your boyfriend to lie to you and pretend your the most prettiest woman in the world.
6. Your boyfriend must stop thinking the way he dose. He must change his thoughts and only think of you, and start believing you are the most beautiful woman ever. He must not look at women on the TV or in magazines because you will get jealous and upset. He must try and go blind or become like a gay man and not find any woman apart from you attractive.
7. You want to be perfect for him. But since you are jealous and already want him to change his thoughts and what he likes, you want him to become perfect for you first. You feel you could become perfect if he agrees that your the most beautiful. The only reason that your unhappy and feel bad about your body, is because he finds other people attractive. Once he finds everyone in the world more ugly than you, you will become beautiful and begin to love your body.
8. You are angry and jealous that he went to strip clubs before you ever dated him. You are jealous of things he done in the past when he didn't even know you. You are now upset that you will have to let him go to strip clubs, even though he hasn't ever once told you that he wants to do that again. Your upset about something that may never ever happen in the future.
Did I get cover some of your concerns, is this how your ego feels, is this what you need from him to make you feel beautiful and perfect?
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (22 February 2010):
 "Not that he loves me less, but maybe he feels less attracted after seeing her or something. "
This is speculation that it sounds like he, time and again, has tried to deny. also, i was under the impression he WASN'T masturbating to these videos right next to you but he just left the window open (original post)? big deal.
Like i said, if you're that miserable with the way "he" makes you feel why aren't you leaving him? no one's making you stay.
why are you resisting our ideas to thought/behavior modification? i would think, because it's difficult to change yourself, but i think you will find that you are just so stuck in this pattern of negativity you don't know your way out thus the suggestions of sites, activities, and other things you can do to become valuable to yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): He already does think you're the one special person in his heart, even if he doesn't tell you. Otherwise he wouldn't be with you. He also thinks you're the most attractive person, even if he says others are better looking. I think the problem lies in the fact that he told you they're better looking, but you mistake that as meaning more attractive.. Attractive includes the whole package, whereas better looking is just that..looks only. Who cares if he feels they are better looking, and don't think that means he feels they are more attractive, because it doesn't. There will always be someone better looking than your bf in one way or another, just like there will always be someone better looking than you. Whether one of you lusts over anybody other than each other is insignificant. Guys are stupid with words, so he just said they're unreachable to try to make you feel less paranoid, not to mistakenly do the opposite and sound like he would take advantage of any chance to be with them if it was possible. Guys, on average, think about sex once every 52 seconds, so to think all those times he thought about sex should have been about you is absurd. If you were stuck on a deserted island with only him, he would still lust over other people beside just you, if he could remember a general shape of a beautiful girl, because that's what guys minds are like. When he watches Katy Perry, it's his way of keeping his sick mind going, which ALL guys have, unless they have serious problems with their sex drive. For a guy, that just means he's healthy, and you should be happy for that, because you'll probably have a very healthy sex life for a very long time, because of it. If you think you'll ever take that way of thinking away from him to make yourself less jealous, you won't. And if you leave him because of that, the next guy you find, who thinks you're the world, and the most attractive person, will give you all the attention in the world...and still do the same things your bf now does, because he'll think on exactly the same wave lengths as every other guy. If you want to cure your jealousy, wanting something different from your bf is not part of the cure, even if some councellor ever tries to make you feel better in telling you that. The only way you can make yourself be less of a jealous person is by changing how you view things, not how your bf views anything or anyone. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot that he loves me less, but maybe he feels less attracted after seeing her or something. Being sexually attractive to him is really important to me. I mean, I feel mediocre compared to her huge blue eyes and big boobs. I know he likes that better, he's told me so. I know he can like us both at the same time, but I don't know, this anxiety is difficult to explain. I know it's anxiety.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
This compromise I can agree with.. If your man likes porn, and you don't, of course he should do it somewhere else, not stick it in your face. I guess the same goes for his favourite moviestar or popstar.. I'm the same about cricket, football and all kinds of sport myself.
Does this solve your problem now? He is allowed find attractive people as long as he dose it in a different room. Do you think he's loves you any less cause he likes Kate Perry as well?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not choosing what he can watch or read or whatever. Just that if he knows how i feel about his attraction to Katy Perry, at least respect it and watch it on your own. Not while I'm there, spending time with him. Like porn. I wouldn't like him watching porn while I'm in the room, that doesn't mean I forbid it and choose what he can or can't do. it's about respect. He doesn't want me talking to my exes because it makes him feel bad, well I respect that and don't do it, not even behind his back.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
He can watch (and wank over, if he wants to) Perry's "Hot N' Cold" video all he wants, just not while I'm there!
Now you want to choose what he watches on television. Can he do this to you as well. Can he tell you what to watch, what to read and what to like?
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
Yes, I am taking things out of context. I'm trying to challenge your view of the world. Just to see things from a different point of view to see if that might help you. :)
"I guess it's kind of just an ego thing. I make a huge effort to look good for him, yet he still thinks they have better faces and bodies."
If me and you were the prettiest women in the world, I could understand you getting upset. But we are not, we are just average nice looking ladies. Do you want him to lie, do you want him to tell the lie that many men do... "yes, you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and no one could ever compare to you".... But it's still a lie, if you were that beautiful, wouldn't you be a model or famous for your beauty?
Again, I'm trying to challenge how you think, or you'll have the same "attractiveness" problem with many people you meet. Your letting your ego make you unhappy, instead of feeling comfortable about who you are and why you are special to the world and him. Is beauty the most important thing in a relationship? Is beauty the most important value in your life?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWith all due respect, Miamine, I think you're taking what I'm saying out of context. It doesn't mean he can't look at anyone else, or that I think he should be the only one in his life. I am the way I am, he is the way he is. I have never suggested he changes.
What upsets me is he thinks they're better looking and I don't know what they have that I don't. Ok, I don't have huge blue eyes, or big tits. He can watch (and wank over, if he wants to) Perry's "Hot N' Cold" video all he wants, just not while I'm there!
I just wish he'd think I'm better looking than they are. It's not that he doesn't think anyone else is attractive, but why can't I, a real woman who he knows, be the hottest in his eyes over an untalented popstar?
Obviously he's not gonna run away with them, that's not my fear. I guess it's kind of just an ego thing. I make a huge effort to look good for him, yet he still thinks they have better faces and bodies. I know love is not about looks, I'm not 13 anymore. But it would be really nice if I had that special place in his eyes rather than women he doesn't know. At least if he liked her music (he doesn't, he told me so) I'd understand that he were a "fan".
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
Is it fair that he should be just like you. What happens to his wishes and desires. What happens to his freedom of choice. Because you think he's the most attractive man in the world, he must think the same or you'll feel unattractive, will get jealous and upset.
Seriously, this is not adult behaviour, it's very unrealistic. Adults are with people they love, and let me tell you, it's nothing to do with looks. It's about the whole package, your personality, your walk, your smell.
What about people who love Michael Jackson all their lives, or worship Kate Moss, Brittnay Spears, or any of them famous people. Do you think their partners get jealous and angry and say, "No! You can only love me, there's no room in the world for me, you and a famous person... I must be number one."
What do committed fans do, do they just stop loving that famous person because their partner gets upset? What are you frightened off, are you scared that he's gonna run away with the popstar in the magazine. Do you think she's gonna come to town and steal him away.
Again, like fishdish has suggested, you really need to work on your true self-image, reality and your out of proportion insecurities. I'm lucky, my partner never got upset, even though he knew I'd run off with Paul Newman, Richard Gere or Johnny Depp if I ever got the chance. Guess what, I'm still waiting on one of them famous men (except Paulie who is dead) to notice me and ask me for a dance.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that I don't notice other attractive people, it's simply that I don't think there are guys who're more attractive than him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
But thanks to everyone, I guess it's my problem, and my boyfriend can just ogle and I have to feel lucky that he picked me :(
No leave him.. you don't have to put up with anything you don't like in a relationship. If your offended and jealous by your guy watching a woman in a music video, maybe you'd be better off alone. It's hard to make a man blind, if you find a way of doing this, please come back and tell us all. Unfortunately your one of the rare women who can't see beauty in other people, and you can't see it in yourself. You never look at attractive men, your boyfriend is the only attractive human on earth. Unfortunately for you, he's like most of the rest of us, he notices other people, including you are beautiful.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
Sorry mistake.. here is the other website, and it's a good one, it's a free online CBT course that you can follow. You can do anything you want, your mind can be challenged, it can be made strong. http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
"I can't help it, how can I control it?
I feel like I can't get over it. I want to be perfect for him."
You are young, many young women feel like you do. As you get older you will get more confidence and stop with this form of self-hate.
Yes, your boyfriend will leave if you keep being insecure, and displaying jealousy. It's hard to be the centre of someone's world, even harder if they keep crying about how ugly they are and asking you to fix it. He's your boyfriend, not your doctor or your counsellor. Men and boys are attracted by confident women who love themselves. People who are needy and need constant reassurance are a headache. They act like children who are not independent yet and need constant reassurance.
You can't help it??? But of course you can, this type of talk is self defeating. You see yourself as some kind of victim, a child who can't control her behaviour or thoughts. You are now an adult, not a child.
Stop making him the centre of your world. Relax a bit, have fun, laugh. That's a fun relationship. A woman who can't even watch Television without getting upset is no fun to be with.
How can you change. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) will work wonders here. Your mind needs changing, you need to control your silly negative talk and replace it with more positive ones. Go back and ask your doctor for a course of CBT to help with your obsessive thoughts. A good book which has many projects for you to try is "The Feeling Good handbook" by Dr David Burns. Here is a couple of website which will help a great deal in helping you get rid of negative thoughts.
http://www.coping.org/
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx
Instead of getting perfect for your boyfriend, instead of looking at the world and comparing yourself badly, instead of getting angry and jealous and giving up because your defeated, try to change your life. The websites will help you to start getting what you want for you, and becoming more confident and more accepting about the way the world is and the way you look.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, and I didn't choose this question's title, I didn't say that my boyfriend makes it worse, that's just the title the mods picked.
But thanks to everyone, I guess it's my problem, and my boyfriend can just ogle and I have to feel lucky that he picked me :(
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut what if he wanted to go to a strip club again? Would I have to just say yes go even if it makes me burn with jealousy inside? I just don't get what they provide that I can't. And no, I don't think other guys are better looking, I guess since I'm a woman I prioritize things other than looks. But at the same time as a woman, I know the pressure of being gorgeous. And what does fantasy even mean? Of course if he fantasizes about them he'd like to have a girl that looked like them in real life. It's a no brainer.
I feel liek I'm screwed up, am I the only one that feels like this? What can I do, I didn't choose to be ugly! :( Why does some untalented skank have to be perfect in his eyes but not me? =(
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"First of all, forget about Scarlets and so on. A LOT of them don't even look that good without the usual fake make-ups and dresses. Besides, I'm sure you find Brad Pitt or George Clooney a lot more sexier than your boyfriend.
About breasts, I don't think it's a big issue... Are you sure he is such a "breast priority guy"? Does he dedicates any attention to them when you are intimate?
Wouldn't you like your boyfriend to have more muscles? Or different eye color? Or different hair?
Think about that perspective a little bit.
Also, wouldn't you like that if he would be more like those romantic guys on the movies? "
No, I don't think Hollywood actors are sexier than him. I wouldn't like him to have more muscles or different eye color, or any physical change for that matter. I think he's hot as he is, but I've never been too shallow to begin with, that's just me. Which means that yes, I'd like him to be a bit more romantic sometimes, although not like guys in movies (wouldn't that be expensive and corny?), but being more romantic is something that can be easily changed.
He's told me he likes big breasts. He does pay attention to mine in bed, but mostly because he knows that I get a lot of pleasure out of them. It wasn't until I told him this that he started paying more attention. He does watch a lot of "big tit" porn though.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (21 February 2010):
Honey, your guy is tired of discussing your insecurities all the time because discussing them isn't making you feel any better, so he's just frustrated. Clearly, he chose you for a girlfriend so he doesn't seem to agree with you about your body. Seems like he's really honest with you, which is good even though you may not like what you hear. how much worse would it be if he's oggling Katy Perry but then telling you no babe she's gross. That would be worse.
It's not other people's job to make us feel good about ourselves. Yes it's nice when they do, but we can't lean on that forever. This is about how YOU feel about yourself. You need to make the choice to love yourself as you are, and until you do, whatever anyone says is just going to be a quick fix.
Stop holding yourself up to some superstar standard. 99.9% of the women in the world AREN'T Salma Hayek. You don't expect your guy to be Brad Pitt and you love him anyway. Honey, you need to be your own best friend. The more you find to love about yourself, the more love you will attract to you. Stop fixating on how your guy looked at Katy Perry and think more about how he looked at you in good ways. The good times you share together. You have to take control of your own mind and focus on the positive things.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): Every straight guy with hormones and eyeballs will watch a Katy Perry video even though her music is a waste of time. Yes, Salma Hayek is crazy beautiful, but in a completely vane sense. It sounds like you have more of a jealousy problem than an insecurity problem. You know he can't reach Katy Perry physically, so he can't do anything physically, but it makes you jealous that he's admiring and studying her on television. You know you'd be lying if you said you've never thought one or two actors or entertainers, or even real life people were better looking that your bf. There's always going to be someone better looking than someone else in one way or another. If you were Katy Perry and you saw him lusting over Scarlett Johansson, you'd still be thinking she's better looking than you. Everyone thinks less of themselves than the next person, this is very common. You're never going to stop judging yourself until you stop judging your bf. If he hasn't cheated on you physically, which I suspect he hasn't, and he hasn't been at any strip club since before you were together, get over it and leave him alone. If you keep having a problem judging him and yourself, he'll eventually lose hope in feeling that he satisfies you and he'll just give up and leave you for someone who is less on his case, even if they're not as pretty as you may be, in one way or another. He doesn't have to feel you're a supermodel just to have a ticket to love you or be with you. Do you think he's a supermodel compared to other supermodels? Didn't think so.. So don't be so conceited or you'll ruin your relationship with him. The reason he tells you to stop going on about your low self esteem is because he is happy with who you are and is tired of hearing you go on and on about it. Salma Hayek might have a half decent personality in real life, but I can guarantee you by reading them on screen that Katy Perry and Scarlett Johansson would be horrible to live with in real life. So don't judge the book by its cover, and the cover of the book in the same sense has nothing to offer your bf either, so feel good about that.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (21 February 2010):
If your boyfriend makes it worse why are you with him? Personally, I don't think your boyfriend makes your insecurity worse, YOU make it worse by assuming his sole purpose is to boost your body confidence: if you didn't have him to rely on for the minimal ego cushioning you're getting as it is, then you'd have to try to provide it all yourself, and that's tougher since you're your own worse critic. You make it worse on yourself by questioning his taste in girls and sizing yourself up to them.You understand you're comparing yourself to hollywood right? Plasticville silicone-filled hollywood? If you want, you TOO can get breast implants and look like a porn star! When your bf says they're unreachable, he just means that they are fantasy, but a lot of guys actually want REAL bodies, and I think your guy IS one of them. he appreciates you not being a sillicone bag.
you also need to control your jealousy. have you never thought of another guy since your bf as remotely attractive? are you ready to pick everything up and leave your bf for that person? certainly not. your bf's getting fed up because jealousy and insecurity are 100 times bigger turn offs than small tits. Your boyfriend, while he is supposed to be emotionally supportive, is not supposed to be your guidance counselor. you need to find confidence within yourself, love you for you, if not, change something about it (if you really feel that bad about it, a boob job), but like i say, most guys will appreciate real skin, real you, quirks and imperfections are what makes you stand out, and in a good way, otherwise your bf wouldn't have chosen you over those lovelies he finds attractive too--they may make a for a good ride in the sack but maybe he actually saw a personality that matched what he wanted too!
you really have no right over what he did BEFORE he even got together with you (ie the strip club), the past is the past, and he probably wanted to have fun with his guys. clearly he's not taking a stripper home to Ma so think you should trust his judgment a little more.
You need to love you for you. If you try to get a new counselor, try to get one that specializes in body dysmorphic disorder, which is what afflicts people with eating disorders but I believe encompasses other forms of skewed self-perception. I would consider taking dance classes, or maybe yoga, where you will be with women of all body types and celebrate the way your own body moves and functions, and might actually appreciate the way your creator/genes made you different than the other dancers and special in your own way. karate classes can also be empowering because you stretch your body to your limits and you gain a newfound apprecation for its workings. finally, try to wean yourself off of asking ANYONE questions that you KNOW will just make you upset and insecure. insecurity can be like a drug, you don't want to be involved with it but you know no other life, and if you don't try to change the patterns of thinking, you will be like a hampster on a wheel, constantly chasing after that new low to obsess over. this can be an easy one you don't even need a counselor for: try to tally the amount of insecure thoughts/comments/questions you have, and even just through monitoring, you may notice that yourself working on keeping yourself in check. but as the week goes on you could see, oh hey, i thought/said/asked insecurely 20 times today, or 40 times this week, let's try to aim for 15 times today, or 30 times this week, you know?
The mind is a very difficult thing to trick. For me, my flaw tends to be to look at things cynically/negatively/glass half empty. But as soon as you recognize that you do this, you need to try to catch yourself, reframe it in a more positive way, and move on. soon you will start believing in yourself and will wean yourself into a more proud-bodied person. you can google "reframing techniques" and find a bunch more about this. here's one site i found
http://www.eruptingmind.com/reframing-techniques-positive-reframing/
...............................
A
male
reader, Darkened  +, writes (21 February 2010):
First of all, forget about Scarlets and so on. A LOT of them don't even look that good without the usual fake make-ups and dresses. Besides, I'm sure you find Brad Pitt or George Clooney a lot more sexier than your boyfriend.
About breasts, I don't think it's a big issue... Are you sure he is such a "breast priority guy"? Does he dedicates any attention to them when you are intimate?
Wouldn't you like your boyfriend to have more muscles? Or different eye color? Or different hair?
Think about that perspective a little bit.
Also, wouldn't you like that if he would be more like those romantic guys on the movies?
It's the same thing. Maybe he feels jealous too when you watch some type of romantic movies or TV shows.
There's a lot of things that make people attractive to a real relationship, not only the body, and there's no such thing as a perfect person.
Be more comfortable with your body, wear different clothes or try changing your look. You'll feel better and maybe he'll like it too, making it easier for him to compliment you more spontaneously.
He's a bit tired of those repetitive talks, but he needs to give you some support if you decide to raise a bit your self-esteem.
In any case, make it about you feeling good about yourself, not about just pleasing his eye. You don't even have to tell him, just go for it. If he detects something different on the way you look or your routine, just say to him that it makes you feel better, he'll understand and will be glad that the usual "talks" are not so frequent. If not, well, maybe he doesn't deserve you in the first place.
Not sure about that "stop or he'll break up with me"... but anyway, he's been with you until now, maybe he was bluffing.
...............................
|
